4 1/2 Topics.

Visiting.

It's 3:44 AM, December 31, 2008. I just read/scimmed through all the way back to my first post. It's... odd. Going back and seeing my old self. Especially seeing her... back in July. July and August I think. Back when she wrote a lot of those "serious" posts. It was interesting. I felt like I was going back and shaking her hand, looking her in the eye, and saying "I definitely know what you mean."

Really, that's what it feels like. I feel like I can see directly eye-to-eye with her, and even though she wasn't getting her thoughts out clearly at all, I know what she was saying. There is an understanding. But I could see the difference too. It was so clear, so so so so clear. I'm different than her. Just a few months, and I feel so different. Visiting those old feelings... I could almost smile. They are still true, still relevant, but... I don't know. I just... I felt like I really was looking her in eyes, the girl, the old me, who wrote those, and having a conversation with her.

It cleared some things up.


Future.

So... I really don't know what I'm doing with my life. I just know... one thing.

I'm leaving. I just... I want to go. Leave. Start over, in a new place. A new state. Maybe even a new country. I don't want to stay here.

And, I don't picture myself staying in one place. I mean, maybe once I like, get married and have a family and all of that stuff I'll stay in one place. But before that... I want to go places. I want to go all over. Not necessarily all over the world, but all over the country, definitely.

This isn't rational or anything. I don't know where I'd get the money. But I could just... picture myself moving around. Not settling in one spot for too long.

Now, I have no idea if that's gonna happen. It's just... what I could see. I don't know. It's just a crazy... picture I have in my head. Because I do, I actually have a picture... in my head.

I just know that... I'm already sick of high school. All of the little things everyone seems to worry about. That seem so irrelevant, once you leave high school. I can't wait to just leave. Get over that.


Pills

I hate pills. For some reason, I always feel like throwing up after I swallow one.

I've been sick. I've actually been better the past like, two days though. We went ice skating, which was fun.

My voice sounds odd, but I actually kind of like it like this. I think no one else agrees with me though. (except maybe George)

Missing/Remembering

I miss some people. In different ways. Some feelings... I'm kind of just now... digging up I guess.

First is easiest: you guys. I mean, I know I just saw you guys. I'm just going to miss this past year. I already miss seeing you guys everyday at school, because I don't anymore. I've gotten used to the way things are now, but I think sometimes reminding myself how much I actually miss you guys is important. I don't know why.

Um. next. harder.
Um. An old friend... I just kind of miss an old friend. Like, it was years ago, but sometimes I still miss them. Miss the closeness, I guess.

Next.
I miss my uncle. Thinking about heaven and hell always reminds me of how scared I was for him when I was younger... at his funeral. And it reminds me of how mad I used to get at God. Still do, actually. Part of the reason I'm so... conflicted.
And I keep remembering my grandparents. My dad's parents. I remember wishing I could have gotten to know them better, because of how amazing everyone says they were.


Family is important. Whether blood related or not, family is important. I take that for granted, I don't really think about my [big] family much. But I've kind of been remembering important things... lately.


There. Four and a half topics for you, fleshed out a little by me. I started writing this just because I wanted to do a blog post, but didn't know what to write. It's now 4:12 AM December 31, 2008. This year will be over soon. It was a... big year for me. I hope you had a good time too. I hope you learned some things, and I hope you remembered some things. I hope you didn't throw it away. I hope 2009 will be a year to remember... I hope for the best. For all of you.

Now, I really should be going to sleep.

so tired.

I'm so tired of you acting like it's all my fault.

I don't care how sick you are... it doesn't give you the right to treat everyone around you like crap.

I'm so tired of you not listening to me. I'm so tired no one around here listening to me.

I'm so tired of all of this.

I went outside. Even after I turned off the camera... I wished the tape hadn't ended. Because I wanted to stay out there longer. I wanted to stay out there for hours and hours and hours. Because I'm so tired of all of this. I wanted to leave. I love you, but I wanted to leave. Not just this. Everything.

Staying out there would be much easier.

Way Back When

Way back when... back in those Crestview days. Even the first couple of years at PCS. Way back when...

The people I used to know. The schedule I used to follow. The things I used to do, the things I used to believe.

Oh my god... wow

The Conservatory.
Those white walls... white, quiet walls. You'd understand what I mean if you'd been there. Maybe you have, I don't know.

I remember the first time I went there, to meet Phillip, and for my first class. I was in, what was it, 2nd grade? I think so. I was scared that if I talked above a whisper in the hall that someone would appear out of no where and yell at me. The hall was always empty. And silent, except for the occasional violin or piano.

I haven't been there if over 3 years, but I remember it perfectly.
I loved that place.
Almost as much as I loved what I played.
still do, by the way

But it wasn't that kind of love that you might be thinking of. Like, a passion or anything. I wasn't even 12 years old. Some 11 year olds probably think like that... not me. ha, not me.

I miss Phillip.
And I miss Andrew.
And I miss that place.
This isn't a sad blog or anything though. I'm smiling =] Because sometimes you forget those feelings and vibes. Like, that you get at a certain place. A certain feel. It's cool to remember them again.

And, oh my god, I'm not even going to get started about the karate studio. Because that place is so loaded with stuff I could write about... yeah, no. And I'm not going to talk about LACC either. Or the armory. Or... anywhere else.

But... I don't know. This isn't for you, it's for me, so not knowing what I'm saying is ok. I kind of prefer it. Um... yeah. You can just discard this last paragraph. Why am I talking to someone? Saying "you"? I'm not talking to anyone. When I write these, I'm not talking to anyone. (except for a couple posts... but those, for the most part, it's pretty clear that I'm talking to someone. well. kind of clear.)

ANYWAYS. Just... that last paragraph... you can ignore that. ^^

I kind of... have a "thing" for places. Buildings, rooms. My whole life.

coffee doesn't go with candy canes *more has beed added... a lot more*

"English is a language that lurks in dark corners, beats up on other languages, and rifles through their pockets looking for spare vocabulary" -I don't know where it came from, but it's hanging in the latin room"

"We as humans can't be perfect unless we're dead" -latin teacher


"the unforunate part of learning is that it's embarassing" -latin teacher


"this is my favorite, I think it's the most beautiful molecule in the universe" -bio teacher


"we're all creatures of our context" -english teacher


"perversion of human nature" -english teacher


"aftificial affection" -english teacher


"I hate you because you can make pretty things with pens" -kelly


"really good literature asks more questions than it answers" -english teacher


"you can't assume anything in the English language" -latin teacher


"English has more acceptions then there are rules" -latin teacher


"If you had learned English as a second language, you would have a completely different understanding of how it worked" -latin teacher

"Living the life of a gentleman" -english teacher

"our stud is going to be an obese man" -sara

"Mary (from Pride and Prejudice) is one of those people who has the curse of knowing what it is to be smart, but isn't smart" -english teacher

"It's so much fun being a teacher, it's a contact sport really" -latin teacher

"empathy is a necessity for knowledge" -english teacher

"they don't have any sense of self-worth because they don't have anything to base it on" -english teacher


"I can see the courage in your eyes, right next to the absolute fear" -Chris Stefanick (he talked at this thing I went to Saturday night)

"I hate the word crowd, I love the word multitude" -Pope John Paul II

"Test everything, retain what is good" -somewhere in the bible


so... um...
what about the goats?
you're not supposed to get that, don't worry

Torn

This roller coaster is making me sick... I want to get off now

Up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down with no breaks in between.

I'm really happy... really excited... really optimistic... smiling... laughing... hugging . . . then comes the down part

I'm sad... I'm angry... I'm worried... I'm paranoid... I'm shaking... I'm crying... I'm second-guessing...

And it seems to never stop.

This isn't new, no, the new part is feeling sick about it.

Every time I feel the bad part coming...
I'm shaking, my throat blocks up, my stomach hurts, I feel like I'm going to puke, I don't want to eat

I'm nervous.

I'm so behind in school... I can't concentrate with all of this.
It's mostly in my head, but I live in my head.

I only have so many hands.

Finals.

a lot of late work...

It's 11:44
that's my time.
I don't know.

I think I just need to quit all of this for right now.

It's 11:45 now.

Anyways, just wanted to say, I don't think I should be hiding behind a different blog. I think everything I need to say I should be able to say on here.

because this isn't for anyone else.
this is for me.
I'm done monitoring what I say on here.

god, memememememememe.

do whatever you want.

Some Thoughts

Doubt... does it make you weaker or stronger?


You can never go back to ignorance.


One of the most important parts of education is learning how to learn.

I really don't care that it sounds melodramatic

Ficlets...

I can't even begin to describe how much ficlets means to me. I've been trying to... I can't.

I don't know what I'm going to do after January 15.

January 15... the day the world stops. Or at least... it will seem like it to me.

It seems silly...

Yeah. It seems really silly.

But seriously, that's how I feel about it.

Lone Writer started a petition: http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/ficlets?e

THX came up with some good ideas too.

We (the ficleteers) need to do anything we can. But I don't know how much it will help. The only thing I know is... my life will be worse without ficlets.

I'm copying everyone else because I'm lame and don't want to clean my room or do any of the other things my mom told me to do

I'm copying Camille and Keegan, but mostly Keegan because Camille copied her in the first place.

mwhahahahahhahah. a.

I'm thankful for...

my sister

my mom

the one and only: dad-i-o-da


my baby

the cool people

one of our main ways of communicating:

books, and the people who write them =]

photography


music

harry potter. I'm serious.


Nerdfighters. And nerds in general. They make the world suck less.




John.





Hank.


ficlets and writing


Dance

"up north" and Morro Bay

the Otter Rock Cafe

and all of the memories

happy thanksgiving

=]

A Day to Remember

So like... what Camille said about certain things sparking memories, that's kind of what I meant in the song post I did a couple weeks ago. I didn't get that across very well.

So I don't really have much to say.

Except that, a year ago today I published my first ficlet.

That just shows... how far we've come. I mean, just think about everything that's happened since then.

This past year has been stuffed so much awesome, and so much crazy, and so many things, worth remembering. More than any other year in my life.

And I know Camille and Keegan just did posts kind of about 8th grade. I'm not really... writing because of those. (though I did love both of them)

I'm writing because of Ficlets. I'm writing because I remember November 24, 2007. It was a Saturday. I was getting ready to go to dance. But I had gotten a note from another ficleteer, because I had left them a lot of comments about a week before. They said that they had looked at my page and saw that I hadden't written anything yet.

And so I wrote my first Ficlet. "3 Years Ago" That's the title.

And that kind of seemed like the start. I mean, it wasn't really. But it was around the time when The Island first came into existance.

Can you believe that was only a year ago? Because it seems like a million. It seems like the rest of my life before then, and since then, has been gray in comparison to how bright that year was.

It's kind of ironic, because my first ficlet is about a girl leaning against a tree, looking up at the sky, remembering what had happened at that spot exactly 3 years ago. And I'm sitting here at my desk remembering what happened here one year ago. And everything in between.

I guess I did have a lot to say.

mm

FUCK

did I offend you? I'm sorry.

I'm lying... I'm not sorry at all.

because I'm speaking my fucking mind.

For once.

On Religion... again

You know, I never realized what a small world I was in at PCS. I never realized that what you see is... such a small part of the big picture.

When I first came to PCS in 4th grade, bible class was hard. I had never gone to a religious school before that, and everyone at PCS seemed to know so much more than me.

For example, looking up a verse in the bible. Those of you who came before 7th grade, do you remember the sword drills? Those were so hard for me, seeing as before PCS I had never learned how to look up anything in the Bible.

And all of those Bible stories that everyone just seemed to know. I had gone to Religious Ed when I was little, but that didn't even begin to cover it.

So for the little 4th grade me it seemed like the whole world (or at least the whole Christian world) knew all of this, and I didn't.

But now, at a Catholic school, where a lot of these girls went to Catholic middle schools, the tables have turned.

We were taught how to look up a bible verse. We watched The Prince of Egypt and people didn't know how it ended. I was kind of amazed that people didn't know the Moses story. And now that I think about it, I don't know why I was amazed. What did I think, everyone knew it? How ignorant is that?

I guess because even before PCS I knew the Moses story well. Because of Religious Ed, but also because of Rebecca. Rebecca and I used to pretend we were Jewish slaves trying to escape from Egypt. We played this every day at recess in (my second year of) first grade.

Anyways. I digress. I point is, PCS is a really great school, with really great Bible classes. I owe a lot to those teachers, from 4th grade on. But it's really only one side of a several-sided story. Story isn't the right word... I don't know the right word.

The thing is, now at a Catholic school, at Confirmation classes, at the last couple of retreats I've been to this year, I've started to see the other sides. There is so much I don't know. So much about religion, all of the differences, all of the different beliefs, practices. It's kind of amazing. All of the different things you learn once you leave a strict school like PCS. Please get what I mean by strict. I mean, what they taught was one belief. And they taught it like "this is what is true," whereas the school I'm at now and at confirmation classes, they teach like "this is what some people believe, and this is what other people believe. Now what do you think?"

The first way of being taught is so much easier. They lay it out, so you can understand it. So when you go from that to where I am now, where it seems like all of these different things are being thrown at me from all directions, it's disconcerting. But it's also eye-opening, and really, really, interesting. It's like taking a risk, scary but thrilling. I wouldn't say this is thrilling really, but it is interesting. Seeing different people's point of view.

Thing is, I'm not really sure where I belong. Kelly and I were talking about this last night. (by the way, there is a blog post about that under this one.) I almost just don't want to give myself a title at all, I just want to believe what I believe and not have to stick to a certain group. I'm not saying groups are bad, because they're not. I'm just not really sure where I am at the moment.

So don't challenge me, don't ask me "why aren't you this?" or "why are you that?" because the thing is I don't know either. It's, (I know, I know, this is going to sound cheesy and cliche) it's kind of a journey. Because Taylor Mali is right, "changing your mind is one of the best ways of figuring out whether or not you still have one."

I wrote that on the back of my Religion notebook to remind me to keep my mind open. I want to know as many different people's views as I can in life. Not just on religion, on everything. That's why when I ask people "why?" about their views, I'm not being condescending. I really, genuinely want to know. I want to hear their side of the story, I want to see their point of view. I want to give them the ear to listen to what they have to say without judging, the ear that they want so badly.

Do you get it?

Intellectual Discussion

Kelly and I had Intellectual Discussion last night.

Let me tell you what that means.

We have a "spot" in old town. I've taken you guys there, it's not secret or anything. We just go there whenever we go to old town and stay there for like, hours.

Like last night we stayed up there talking and eating Johnny Rockets and Starbucks for like 2 hours.

Seriously though, it seems so much easier to talk up there. But it seems so much easier to talk to Kelly then anyone else, sooo yah. But we won't be overheard by our parents up there in old town, so it's easier.

We talked about religion, we talked about high school, we talked about theology, we talked about observing, we talked about minds, we talked about mom, we talked about cars, we talked about harry potter, we talked about solitare, we talked about Yoko Ono (well not really, but there was a short documentary thing showing in One Colorado last night and she was talking in it), we talked about hair, we talked about... I don't know. A lot.

It's our favorite thing to do in old town, go up there and pig out and talk.

I really hope she gets over this emo-loving phase thing that she's in. I can get where she's coming from though, I was the same a couple years ago. But she's like, really "popular" or whatever so it's different. And when she's with her friends it's way too hard to talk to her...

ANYWAYS
and then we hung out for like, the rest of the night in my room, and then her room. And then we decided to have a sleepover on the floor in her room. And then after my dance rehearsal today we're going to the mall. And then we're going to watch old Monkees episodes. (because you know, I have the box set) =]

It's a good thing I don't have homework this weekend.

Straightening out some thoughts... came up with this..

There are songs that... bring back, not really a memory or emotion... but a certain feel.
And whether it is bitter or sweet... you find yourself almost missing those old times, that feel, who you were back then

So this is my timeline... those songs, for me.
[some of these may be a little surprising...]

6th

What if His People Prayed- Casting Crowns
Sweet Child of Mine- Guns N' Roses (Sheryl Crow version, really)
I'll Stand by You- The Pretenders
Brass In Pocket- The Pretenders
1921- The Who
Janie's Got a Gun- Aerosmith
Neighdorhood #1 (Tunnels)- Arcade Fire

7th

Used To- Daughtry
Over You- Daughtry
All These Lives- Daughtry
Runaway Love- Ludacris
Sweet Escape- Gwen Stephani
Outside Looking In- Jordan Pruitt
Unfaithful- Rihanna
Welcome to the Black Parade- MCR

Summer before 8th

Basket Case- Green Day
Collide- Howie Day
Waiting on the World to Change- John Mayer
Crawling Towards the Sun- The Hush Sound
Wannabe- The Spice Girls

8th
Magnolia- The Hush Sound
Lighthouse- The Hush Sound
A Martyr For My Love For You- The White Stripes

I Am the Walrus- The Beatles (Across the Universe Version)
Hourglass- The Hush Sound
Slow My Down- Emmy Rossum
For a Pessimist I'm Pretty Optomistic- Paramore
Summer Skin- Death Cab for Cutie
She Had the World- Panic at the Disco
Born for This- Paramore
Antonia- Motion City Soundtrack
Wine Red- The Hush Sound



..
If you have some of your own, you should post them (if you want to) =]


...
I think it's kind of interesting... seeing the past couple of years just shown through the songs you remember most, or rather what make you remember the most, and no other explanation. What do you think?

hey...

If you were fully human... why didn't you ever mess up?

I'm not like you

All that we needed

Sometimes all someone wants... needs... is a hug.

http://ficlets.com/stories/43055
http://ficlets.com/stories/43221

I don't care if you read them or not, but if you do decide to, please read both of them. Not just one or the other. Please.

Also.

You Are

You are my foundation.
You are my handle, my railing.
You are what keeps me from falling.

You are the green skittle,
the red m&m.
You are the little piece of chocolate,
at the bottom of the drumstick.
You are my favorite, the one I wait for,
the one I get excited over.

But you are a wall.
My wall.
My barrier.
My cage,
closing me in, limiting me.
Keeping me from going where I want to go…

So I have to let you go,
and take my chances.

But you will always be my memory
The one I look back on,
and smile.

I posted this on ficlets a couple weeks ago

Efforts

My efforts often go unnoticed.

All I did was try to make people happy...

but it always backfires.

And then they get mad at me instead.

Because I guess I can't make keep one person happy without pissing another person off.

I'm just really tired of trying.

stupid people...

...with their stupid condescending tones of voice...

Something isn't right

I don't know

It just isn't

Nothing works right... I always seem to mess them up. And don't go saying that's not true before you even know what I'm talking about.

Why do I always pretend like everything is alright?

Because it's just easier that way.
Because I'm not good at confrontations, or explaining. Anything.
Because whenever someone tries to help me, I get extremely pissed and annoyed at them, and I'd rather not get pissed off at anyone. It's completely irrational.
Because I find those situations extremely awkward... or maybe it's just that I trusted someone as much as I trusted you guys. And then I think he gave up on me. I told him a lot. But I didn't make myself very clear, and I think he got tired of me being depressed all of the time, for no apparant reason. I don't blame him.

This was a while ago, by the way. None of you guys are this person.

Right now I can't see straight. It's not like I'm dizzy, just that my vision is like a video, and the person's hands that were holding the camera were shaking.

I have a lot of homework. Why does she insist we come up with "something creative" for like, every scene in Romeo and Juliet? And I'm already practically failng bio, and only getting A's in three classes.

I need sleep. But that's just not going to happen.

Sonnet

This is the Shakespearean style sonnet I wrote for school. I posted it on ficlets too.

Helping Hand

Why would they go to such extremities?
Sometimes you cannot help but wonder why
Had their life gotten to such bad degrees
That the only answer left was to die?
Please listen, don’t follow their example
There is another way for you, you know
Stop me before I get emotional
But I think I’d die if you were to go
I wish I had the answers here and now
But I’m trying to be strong, as much as you
I cannot offer much, but this I vow
To be there always if you do feel blue
For if there was one thing that I would lend,
I’d be my helping hand to help my friend.

Today

A week ago today... I was trying to make the collage for Religion.

A month ago today... I was silently freaking out because school started the next day.

Half a year ago today... I posted two ficlets: a poem for school, and a sequel for George's story challenge on ficlets, with an (exaggerated) true story

A year ago today... I had an english worksheet, p. 125 in my math book, and ch. 2 science terms for homework.

A year ago today... John Green was at an awesome hotel at M.I.T. (but I hadn't heard of him yet...)

A year ago today... I had never written a ficlet.

A year ago today... I was probably listening to The Hush Sound, considering they were all I listened to for like a month

A year ago today... I had no idea where I was going for high school (but I was dreading it)

A year ago today... I had dance class with Diane

A year ago today... I had no idea I would become who I am today

In just a year from today... so much had changed

Quotes... from all over, and a ficlet

http://ficlets.com/stories/42747#review-94330

This is my way of describing the past week:

"you've gotta face with a view"

"ballet is pure geometry"

"my dreams aren't as empty, as my concience seems to be"

"you learn more from the person sitting next to you, than from the person sitting at the front of the room"

"can only imagine what you've been through, I know what it is to be an outcast too."

(on the English language) "It needs to follow rules because it has so many exceptions"

"Last week I had the strangest dream, where everything was exactly how it seemed"

Well...

The ringing is back.

So... I wrote a lot of ficlets this past week. 10. This used to be pretty normal for me, but not lately. I've really missed it. But for a long time I just couldn't write. I still kind of can't. Well, not like before. The ficlets don't just come out anymore, at least not as often.

My last post. I meant what I said. That took a lot to write. More than it seems like. More than it probably should have. I don't really know what anyone thought... that might actually be a good thing. (Um, no offense, really. I'm sorry.) Well, I know Camille's thoughts on it. Thank you Camille =]

So you know those ficlets I was talking about? I wrote the last 5 in the past two and a half hours. And they aren't really... ficlets. Well they are, technically, but not like normal. And neither is one other one that I wrote this past week. But I wanted to get it out.

Anyways, I just want to say this. Thanks for putting up with me.

If you don't like reading about religion... or God... or anything like that... then don't read

I'm trying to do this collage that's due tomorrow. I'm supposed to show my "faith journey" through experiences in my life.

What?

I can't really think of anything. I don't remember in terms of events, or even in terms of how old I was, what grade I was in. I remember things through people. That's why I recognize so many people, who don't remember me at all. I remember, people... their faces... their personality... not events.

So I find myself just wanting to put all of these people who I guess have "influenced my faith journey." (Not my own words... that's the assignment) instead of events. Because I can't think of any.

So I did something that I don't normally do. I let my mom help me. She told me about this time when I was in kindergarten. Now, I don't remember this. At all. But apparently I came up to her and asked her when I was going to start "learning about God"

She enrolled me in Religious Ed at the church we [sometimes] went to the next year. (The one we still go to, the Catholic one.)

We were talking about this. She kept wondering out loud, "What influenced you to say that, to wonder about things like that?" Because we didn't go to church often, and the school I went to at the time definitely didn't push religion. It was "progressive" to use my mom's word. I love that school so much.

I realized something though. I realized that that kindergarten kid is a lot like me today.

She was curious. She had heard some things I guess, and she wanted to know what the truth was. Like me today. I've heard different opinions about religion. I've heard Catholics' point of view, since my parents are Catholic so we go to a Catholic church. I've definitely heard Christians' point of view. At PCS, for the 5 years I went there. And I've also heard a lot of Atheists' and Agnostic's point of view on the nerdfighter ning. Not like hater comments and stuff, but real, actual debates. Most of the time I've watched, not really participating.

So sometimes I don't really know what to think.

Yes I believe in God. I definitely believe in God. And Jesus, and about Him dying to save us. But, I don't want to have to choose between something like being Catholic, and being Christian. I almost just want to be "spiritual" without being "religious". (which is something we've been talking about in religion class.) I mean, I understand the split and everything, but I just really don't want to choose things like which denomination and things like that. And I don't really know much about it. All I know is that I want to have a relationship with God. And everything about the Catholic Church, and the Christian Church is kind of confusing me. And distracting me from what is important.

And now I've gone off on a rant, when I really need to be doing my collage. I just had to get something out. *feeble smile*

Religion... Whining... Unrealistic Expectations (on my part)

Ok so when school first started, I loved my religion class. I loved it sooooo much. I was so excited for the discussions every day, the collage project we're doing (which is due on Thursday... crap), and EVEN sometimes doing the assigned reading. I participated in the discussions everyday even though it was hard for me... I actually raised my hand.

But now... it's kind of deflated. I'm not really sure why. But now during discussions I just listen with my head down, doodling. (My agenda and binders look cool from it too) But I don't... try extra hard anymore. For a couple of days I tried harder than I usually do in classes. Now I'm turning back into the old me... the one who just does enough to get by.

And I'm not sure why. I try a couple of times to form an opinion and raise my hand... but then I get frustrated. Get frustrated because I can't come up with anything original to say. And so I stop trying so hard. And doodle.

Where did the ethusiasm go? My love of the class? It was like I was proud of having a cupcake and then someone else comes in with a huge layered cake, and it makes my tiny cupcake look like crap.

And I heard some things about the teacher that kind of... made me lose a little respect, I guess. That's a horrible thing to say. He's still awesome, just... I don't know

Maybe I realized he's human. He's not some amazing genius, he's a regular person. His class won't always be amazing and completely out of the ordinary.

And it doesn't have to be. I think I was just looking for something to look forward to at that school.

Maybe tomorrow... maybe tomorrow I'll participate a little bit more. Maybe I'll get back into it.

I just have to get enough sleep tonight...

Sometimes

I'm not perfect ok? God, I'm so far from it. Sometimes people make mistakes, forget things. Sometimes they do it over and over, in a row. Sometimes it may fucking infuriate you. Sometimes you may wonder how the hell I may have made a mistake, or the same mistake, over and over and over. Sometimes you don't understand. And you're not going to. I'm not gonna try to get it into your head, when I know you're not going to listen.

Sometimes there is more than one side to the story, more than your own side. Sometimes they are both right. So how come I never get a say? How come the only one that is allowed to be told is yours? How come I always have to stand there sucking it up?

Sometimes there are no answers.

oh darn...

Maybe I don't belong anywhere. Maybe I wasn't meant for that. Maybe I was meant to just watch everyone else belong, from the outside. Maybe I'm supposed to know all of the facts, but never be a part of it. Maybe I'm supposed to know about life... but not experience it for myself. Maybe I'm not supposed to be known. Maybe I'm the one pulling the curtain, controlling the lights. Maybe I did what Mrs. Farrar-Perkins hoped we wouldn't. Maybe I peaked in junior high.

I'm too picky. Whenever I'm with the two people I talk to at school, I just sit there wishing I was with you guys while they talk about the Jonas Brothers and a bunch of actors and movies I've never heard of. I'm closing myself away from anyone else, because they're not you guys. Why? Why do I act like they're not good enough or something? It's horrible. Damn. When I write it out like that, it's even more horrible. See? Can't you guys see it? The selfishness? No matter how much I say it... people refuse to believe me.

What do you think of me?

I... somehow people come up with ideas about other people very quickly. (yah... I know that was like, a "duh" statement) But... I don't even know what to think about myself anymore. What made we interesting was... you guys. Without you, at dance... at school... I feel empty.

You guys hold me up, and you're so amazing that you don't even realize it. You guys keep me from thinking my life is worthless. You guys keep me from completely falling apart. Well, falling apart more than I do.

How do you make friends? I've been wondering... my whole life. I'm just... so bad at it. Whenever I've had friends, it's because they've started talking to me. Seriously, for most of my elementary career (hehe... career) I played by myself, walked around the playground over and over and over, and my imaginary friends' lives were WAY too planned out. Seriously, I made up a whole new imaginary world. With bad guys that we had to defeat and everything.

There were a few good friends over the years... but they usually left me after a while. Except for you guys, you guys are... so amazing.

...

I'm pretty sure you're gonna hate me after this. You... I love you. Do you not know how much I care about you? You are one of the best friends I could ever hope of having. But I don't know what to do. What I can do, considering what you think of me. You must think I'm horrible. I'm sorry that I made it seem like that. I mean, I am pretty horrible. I just... I'm not ignorant. I'm not oblivious. I don't want to have to tiptoe around people.

Don't... if you leave, I don't really know how I could really, survive. I'm selfish, I know it, but you're one of my best friends, I've known you forever, and I've kind of always thought of you as one of my best friends. Someone who would always be there. Yes, that's incredibly selfish, and I'm a bitch. But I couldn't stand losing you.

Just, I don't know. Just continue talking to the person you want to talk to. She's more stable, and smarter. Wiser. More considerate. She can help.

I want to help. But I don't know if that's possible.

God, I'm like, in tears. I'm so weak.

Oh God, you're gonna hate me so much when you read this, if you do.

because everyone else seems to be doing one

I'm seriously enjoying this David Bowie cd.

I just recently noticed something. I've started saying pwn. Like, a lot. vlogbrothers, what have you done? Well you know what, it's an awesome word.

My latin teacher was talking about that today. About the our changing language, and how Latin will never change. Because it's a "dead" language. But really she wasn't talking about Latin, but about English. Yah. It was cool. She is one of those teachers who will just spend the whole class talking to the class, and telling us stories about her life and stuff. But, she is so interesting to listen to. Like, it's not boring, like you would expect it to be. She's awesome. And really interesting, and like, intriguing to listen to.

And my religion class is awesome. Every class is just basically discussion. It's awesome. I really like discussion classes, except for the fact that I can't talk in them. I hate talking out loud in class. I can never get my thoughts straight, and then say them out loud. It just, doesn't work for me. Anyone who has seen me do a presentation or heard me in like bible or something can attest to that. But I do like the discussion classes. Especially this one. The topics are actually interesting, and not all religion-y like at PCS. This class (or maybe just the teacher) is so much more like, open. And you know what? I actually talked! Like, voluntarily! More than once! And the first project is a collage. lol. =]

I also love my english class. Again, discussions. And I love listening to this teacher talk too. This may sound weird, but I love the way she talks. It makes you want to listen. I'm so excited.

I don't like biology. not at all.

I'm still seriously enjoying this cd. Something about glam rock makes me smile. =] lol see?

I want to go vegan. Like really. I do. At least vegetarian. I might just go vegetarian, partly because I don't to make it hard on my parents. There's actually a lot of options of food for vegans these days, you just have to do your research. But, I might just be vegetarian. My mom is already started lecturing me when I told her I wanted to be vegetarian.

hehe, I love this cd.

Roller Coaster

So. Um. Today is John Green's birthday. I know, you probably don't care. But. I do, because he's really a great writer, and a great role model, and inspiration, and just, an awesome person. So yah.

I just used a lot of commas, but I really don't feel like going back and editing. Ok this is strange. There was like a really really loud ringing in my ears, but now it just went away. And now it's coming back. It's the same ringing I kept hearing at Harry's house, remember? Ugh, it's so annoying. I can't concentrate. It's so hot in here, I should probably turn the air on. But I kind of have the chills. So I'm not.

School starts tomorrow. Ugh. I want to write some more stuff about school, but I'm going to get contradicted again. So I'm not.

I love the armory. The classes there are awesome. And I was going to take this class there, but I can't. So I'm going to try to take this other class that my mom's friend's friend wants to start, if she starts it. And then I'm gonna try to take the class at the armory next year, and I'll get high school credit for it. I love volenteering with the little kids. In the last class, one of the girls was deaf, so my job teh whole time was to like, help her and write stuff down for her. She was awesome. She was so funny. And one day I was wearing my Draco and the Malfoys shirt and she knew it was Harry Potter!! =]=]=]

I finally finished my summer reading. But I didn't write in the book or take notes or anything. Oh well. Oh Camille, I need to give you your book don't I?

uumm. What else. I get mad, or sad, or happy, or excited, or depressed really easily. Like any emotion, once it's there, it's on high. It's like a roller coaster. That sounds really... ugh I don't know. Just.

Ok. Don't judge.

That's pretty much impossible though.

How come whenever I actually try to do a normal blogpost for once, it always turns out all weird and impossible to figure out?

wow I won't blame you if you stopped reading a long time ago.

Bye. sorry

ok I changed it

bah bah bah, bah bah, sha do be do

I did it!!!

I have a better, more normal, post under this one, if you would prefer (yah, they're two days apart)

I really have no reason to be writing this. It's kind of sad, I post blog posts for reassurance, for clarity, and for letting stuff out. But I'm not really accomplishing, or getting any of that anymore. I just post, and post, and post, because I'm hopeful. And this post is more for me than ever, because I'm not making myself clear to anyone but me. That's nothing different than usual I know, but this time it's kind of on purpose. So I don't expect anything from this. The 0 is always frustrating, but never unexpected. This may seem selfish to you, and that's because you're right. I don't know if anyone will read this, but that doesn't really matter. Because all I needed was to write it out. This probably doesn't seem like anything, but it's kind of meant that way. I don't really know what I meant by that, but whatever. I'm not gonna take it out. Because I like it. A lot.

=]

Cheater Cheater Napkin Eater. lol. wow.

Yay!! I can get to my blog now!! I don't know why my computer wasn't letting me before...

Anyways, Breaking Dawn is awesome so far. Kind of disturbing, but not like really bad disturbing, just like Peeps and The Last Days by Scott Westerfeld disturbing. Camille, I'm jealous. How can you read so fast?! I'm such a slow reader.I'm on 305. Ugh.

Footloose last night was AWESOME!!! Everyone was so good. And yes, that guy was eating a napkin. It was so funny. My phone and george's phone kept vibrating at like the same time. The person behind me was breathing REALLY LOUDLY, which was annoying. But whatever, it was so good. And I have seen the movie before! Or at least the second half of it... When I was little. I remember the bridge scene, and the big dance at the end. And my mom explaining it to me. That's it.

So camp is over. I'm kind of sad, because I was in senior outpost, which means that was my last year as a camper. =[ But I didn't start crying or get really depressed or anything, like some people did. Because, I never really made any friends except for Becca and kind of Abbey and Tatiana. I'm always really quiet at camp. When I was little I think some of the other kids were a little scared of me because I never talked. I think the only other reason I was a little sad on the last day of camp (other than that I would never be a camper again) was because I was watching everyone say goodbye to all their friends that they had made. Yeah, kind of stupid, but I was.

So now I have to rush to post this because we're leaving to go to the movies. And I'll probably end of up reading a little during the movie if it isn't good. So yeah. Bye. =]

Pleasing People

I'm sorry Keegan, the only reason I say it is because... I tiptoe. Yah. Tiptoe. Whenever I'm around my parents. I'm walking on... um.. something fragile. I can't make a mistake, or everything will crumble. I can't fall, make one wrong move, say one wrong thing. They just don't see through the same lense as me. They view me differently than I view myself, so they expect me to be something different than I expect from myself. That's not completely their fault. I don't know whose fault that is. But in a way, it's kind of mine.

I tiptoe a lot. See, all my life, I've wanted to please people. I've tried to please people. I've kept a lot to myself, theres been a lot I've wanted to say, but I haven't. Because, man this is hard to explain. I think you're getting the wrong picture. The picture of someone who wants to please other people by being like them, doing what they say, keeping things to themselves so as not to upset other people. That picture is not me.

That picture is too simple, too cliche. Though I am cliche, in a way. Hm. maybe only I see that. I see a lot. A lot more than I let on. I keep it to myself. I'm not sure why.

Anyway, I try to please people. I become what they want me to be, in a way. I don't mean like peer pressure or whatever. I just mean, I'll become a listener if they want me to. I'll become that quiet girl, or the silly one laughing at everything, or the fall-back friend. More like I become what people have expected me to be, what I have become in their mind. It's simpler that way. I just, I want them to be happy, I want them to know I want them to be happy, but I don't want them to know how much I tried to make them happy.

In a way I'm a manipulator.

Add that to the list of bad things I am.

I think that's what I meant when I said I think a lot. You know? When I said that in the hotel room on the east coast trip, and then I think I said it on my blog a while ago.

Everything I'm saying right here, about pleasing people, and being what they want me to be, this all comes second-nature. It's subconscious. I'm just now beginning to realize it myself. That's why it's jumbled, and my thoughts aren't in the right order. It's exactly how it came out of my mind. [minus a few points I decided to take out. for my own reasons]

I'm going to ask a selfish favor. Just, if you have any thoughts, please say them. Not only on this post. On my blog in general. If you're reading my blog and you think you have something to add, please do. It doesn't have to make sense, it doesn't have to be related to the current topic at all, just anything you really thought. I just, I kind of want to know that I'm not completely crazy, and you haven't given up on my just yet.

Told you what I was gonna ask was selfish.

Decisions

Decisions scare me. They scare the crap out of me. I'm not as worried of making the wrong decisions, as what will happen as a result of my decisions. But I'm most scared of making decisions that other people won't like. Well, that my parents won't like. Because they might not be according to plan, they might not be logical, they might not be what seems like the right decision to them. And when they want an explanation, I can't give them one. I take one look at their faces, and immediatly regret it, or change my mind. Anything than having to expalin myself. And I'm not sure why. It just scares me so fucking much.

No one is forcing you to read this. if you think I'm being stupid, just don't read it.

I feel really stupid about posting this, but I'm going to anyway. I'm overreacting, but I told Sachi that this is the place where I could say whatever was on my mind without being interupted. So I'm going to do that. Even though I'm overreacting. I'm not forcing anyone to read it if they don't want.

I am so mad right now. and confused, and sad, and just, really hurt.

God. I can't even... ugh.

If you had done anything else, called me fat, stupid, ugly, slutty, ANYTHING else. Just, not what you did. If people don't trust me, if my friends can't trust me, I have nothing.

Do you really hate me that much? Where the hell did you get that idea anyway?

I'm probably making a big deal about something not that big, but it seems kind of big to me. If I lose my friends, then I will have nothing left. I need them. You have no idea how much I love them, and how much I miss them.

And if they really thought I said something bad about them, I wouldn't blame them for leaving me.

But I didn't. God, I didn't. And I never said anything bad to you either. I don't know who "anonymous" was, but it wasn't me.

And, "she might have said that"

oh my god. That almost killed me.

Camp, Haters, Classes, and Baby Steps

Um. So. Camp started on Monday. It's fun. I'm in Steve's group, senior outpost. But I don't think any of you know what that means, so... yah. Nevermind. We don't have a name yet. It's gonna be awesome though.

So, Becca is in my group, so that's cool. But Alex isn't going this session =[=[. So this other girl started hanging out with me and Becca. (grammar's wrong. oops. oh well.) She's pretty cool. But, I don't know. They keep singing. The same songs. Over and over. It's kind of annoying. And then I kind of overheard them talking about how they hate cheerleaders and ballerinas. (I don't think they knew I was listening.) It was kind of... upsetting. I mean, god, there is so much more to ballet then the general public knows, you know? And same with cheer, I'm sure. It just bugs me that they automatically hate them, this stereotype of girls twirling in tutus. Ballet is so hard. I mean, you guys who know me, you've heard me complaining over and over? Right?

I really don't like haters.

I got my classes for Sacred Heart! ok:
Biology,
Theatre 1,
PE/Health,
Honors Geometry,
Catholic Christianity (first semester),
Ethnics/Morality (second semester),
Advanced English 1,
Latin 1

No dance =[ I think they ran out of space or it didn't work with my classes or something. Oh well, I'm excited for theatre!! I was kind of hoping I would get theatre actually... shhh don't tell

umm what else. I've been going to bed too late I think. I mean, it was ok when I didn't have to get up early and do a lot of activity the next day. But now I have camp all day and then dance at night. So I should probably go to bed earlier than 2. *gasp*

Maybe I'll go to bed at sometime before 1 tonight. baby steps, baby steps...

I'm sorry if my language offends...

fuck it. fuck all of it.

selfish selfish selfish

I want it to mean something. I want to mean something. I want someone to mean the world to me. I want to care.

Sometimes I cry too hard. Sometimes it hurts so bad, but I don't know what, or why. I feel like it's right there in front of me, but I can't reach. And I'll always be in that state; always reaching, never actually knowing.

I have so much. And I still cry. And I hate myself for it. I'm so selfish, always wanting something. God, just read it. "I want, I want, I want." never satified. When you get to know me, you really have no idea what you're getting into. Selfish and moody. It's not really worth it.

"Graceless in the state of grace"

"getting what you want is fine, it's alright. And if you feel so inclined, then let's fight. Everyone has things they hide, deep inside. But I have nothing but my pride, as my guide."

"I'd like to know, do you think of me? Because I think of you, in everything I do"

"My favorite thing, about my voice, is that I can turn it off, cause I have that choice."

"The greatest thing, about the Hollywood sky, is it's the brightest stars, you can see at night. Reflected back, and rearranged, from then till now, they are unchanged."

how cool do I feel that my cousin was in a band that wrote lyrics like this?

oh so cool.

So yes, we saw Hancock Friday night. It was fun. And then today I had nothing to do, so I asked people on plurk if they wanted to see a movie. So we saw WallE. And then my sister wanted to see Hancock, so later I saw that with her. lol the waitress recongized us a Islands.

"The girl's a crossing guard, the boy's a motorway"

Kelly and I were making cookies, but then we decided to make it into one big cookie-cake thing. And it's awesome.

"Never think that thinking's, the trick to being complete. Never hug yourself, and never admit defeat. never stay neglected, and never say never."

So apparently the next movie marathon is going to be at my house at night. On the big screne and projector outside.

"being me is pretty sad, I'm dead weight. but if you would only smile, I'd wake up. And if you wanna stay a while, we'll break up"

By the way these lyrics, -------> "Through everything, that I've been taught, I've never had, an original thought." Story of my life.

Shuffle Survey

- Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
- Put it on shuffle
- Press play
- For every question, type the song that's playing
- When you go to a new question, press the next button.
- Don't lie =]
(this reminds me of one of the first challenges I ever sequeled on ficlets)

1) Opening Credits:
"Stained Glass Masquerade" by Casting Crowns
2) Waking Up:
"My Apologies" by The Hush Sound
3) First Day At School:
"Who Am I" by Casting Crowns
4) Falling In Love:
"Yellow Submarine" by The Beatles
5) Fight Song:
"If I Fell" by The Beatles (Across the Universe version)
6) Breaking Up:
"Sweet Child O' Mine" by Guns N' Roses
7) Prom:
"Fox on the Run" by Sweet
8) Life's Ok:
"Randy House Git" by The Monkees
9) Mental Breakdown:
"Never Again" by Kelly Clarkson
10) Driving:
"Even If It Kills Me" by Motion City Soundtrack
11) Flashback:
"1985" by Bowling for Soup
12) Getting Back Together:
"You Don't Know What Love Is (You Just Do As You're Told)" by The White Stripes
13) Birth of Child:
"When I Come Around" by Green Day
14) Final Battle:
"What Is This Feeling?" from Wicked
15) Death Scene:
"With A Little Help from My Friends" by The Beatles (Across the Universe version)
16) Funeral Song:
"John, I'm Only Dancing" by David Bowie
17) End Credits: "Blue Moon" by The Alley Cats

Wow... some really odd songs came up.

Try this if you want =]

dun dun dun

So I feel like doing a blog post. I said I was going to go to bed on Plurk... I lied. mhahaha. Ugh. I feel sick. Like I'm gonna throw up. I feel clammy, and twitchy. I need to go to bed. But I felt like doing a blog post.

Wow. I really do make bad decisions.

I drank hansens, that didn't help. I can't believe hansens failed me. Actually I started feeling sick after the hansens.

ugghh.

I keep a lot to myself. eh. this is going to be hard to explain. I'm trying to decide whether I should attempt to or not. I already know it will be a failure, but I'm trying to decide if I should post that failure.

Oh well. Here goes.

I really do keep a lot to myself. Getting to know people, and opening up to new people, is hard for me. I like to keep to myself. Most of my thoughts never leave my head. A lot of my thoughts, I want to tell people, but, it wouldn't really work. Because they are only thoughts, not complete ideas. Just, half-ideas. And if I (and I don't have very good communication skills) try to explain them out loud with words, I won't do them justice. It won't make sense. And people will think I'm weird.

I mean, not you guys. You guys know me more, you're used to me saying things that don't really make sense (um, if that makes sense. no pun intended.) But other people, they'll look at me like I'm crazy. And I don't really blame them. I mean, I have these thoughts that are trying to come out as ideas, but I'm the only one who can communicate them, and I can't do it.

uuuugggghhhh

This happens so much, especially on this blog. I try to say something (or type something), but I can't make it make sense. It makes sense in my head, but then I say it (or most of the time type it) and it makes no sense at all. It's just rambling. I mean, I guess it kind of makes sense, but it's not what I wanted to say.

Oh well, I'm just going to post this because I have to be up in 5 hours and I feel sick.

ugh. why do I let myself stay up until 2 when I have to get up at 7? Why self, why??
I feel like golum/smeegle (sorry I can't spell). Fighting with myself. It happens a lot. I actually wrote a ficlet about that.

OMG. quote. "I feel something, a slight tingle in my fingers. I think it's affecting me." -Legolas, The Return of the King (only in the movie, according to my dad) (my dad also said that it took him around 3 times watching the movie to accept that party scene. in the movie.)

ummm. bye.

hm

I can't think of anything interesting to say. Like, nothing. I'm completely empty. I've gone from, um, being Camille, to being this boring, empty, person. With nothing to say. I have no interesting, I don't know, facts. No useless rambling. No stories. No rants. No thoughts, no life-lessons. No song lyrics for you.

Because nothing is me. Everything I know, I've learned. And now, I don't know, I have nothing to say. Nothing you haven't heard before.

I'm empty. I need to start over. Maybe it'll turn out better than last time.

Short and Sweet. actually no, not very Sweet. So just Short then.

In 1000 years, no one is going to remember most of us. No one will know what the Island was, who was in it, anything about it. Our friends, our songs, our website, our inside jokes, will all be forgotten. What seems like my life, what I'm losing now, what we all love/loved, no one will know about decades from now.

And surprisingly, I'm ok with that.

=]

"These rules were made to break, and these walls were built to fall"

I'm in Hawaii. In the hotel room. There is a three hour difference. It's almost 11 here. Kelly Belly and I just got back from swimming. And she is reading everything I'm typing right now. hi kelly.

And I"m the only one who can call her kelly belly without it being jsut strange. [that includes you, keegan]

I'm on my mom's laptop and not being able to scroll easily is really annoying me. Ugh.

Um, I was gonna say something else, but then I forgot.

I have an idea! I'm not gonna say what it is right now, besides you guys will probably think it's stupid. Let's just say it has to do with vlogging.

My shoes are awesome! I got new shoes! (yah, I probably should have switched around the first two sentences, but whatever) They're hard to esplain though. Well, nto really, I'm just too lazy. You'll see them, sometime.

"All we need, isa little bit of momentum"

Sometimes I randomly break into song.

Isn't that right Kelly?

Kelly is being secretive. O.o

Haha I used Johan's face thingy!!

Ok I'm rambling. but that is the name of this blog right?

yah... ok.

bye.

"to break that these walls, that we built around ouselves."

"In a field outside of town"

Alex says hi!!
[and let's pretend Becca says hi too, except she's still asleep]
wait... I'm not the last one awake! Amazing!

OMG. I just ate a thin mint!! lol George.

I'm tired...
but not really, cause 4:30 is only like an hour/hour and a half away from how late I usually stay up.

We listened to the Hush Sound. And watched the music videos. And talked to Spike Dog on AIM or whatever his name is. You know, that white rapper guy? Yah... you probably don't know who he is, I just know because of one of my dance friends. Actually, Alex and Becca were doing that while I was typing the post last night.

We should go to the movies! Like, while I'm not in Hawaii!

"like vines we intertwined"

Sleepovers, Harry Potter, and Hawaii

I'm at Becca's house. On her computer. So this is gonna be short. Partly because I'm at a sleepover and partly because I really don't have anything to say.
We watched The Ringer. It was funny!!
Then we prank called. a lot. Even a couple random numbers, which Iyes I know) you're never supposed to do.
Now we're listening to Weezer =]
Oh wait, she just changed it to... Camp Rock. =I
Oh, goodness.

I love the Harry Potter computer games!!! (I've had them for years, this is not a new obsession)
lol... Marilyn and her younger brother.

Me, kelly, and my mom are going to Hawaii!! I'm not sure when, sometime in the next couple of days. I'm excited, I've never been to Hawaii. =]=]
I hope my karma on Plurk doesn't go down too much...
(yah, I worry about this kind of stuff)

Ok bye.

"and when I see you, I really see you upside down"

The concert was amazing. For those of you who didn't know, I went to a Death Cab for Cutie concert. It was, like I [kinda] said, awesome!! It was fun, right Keegan? Even though we didn't know all of the songs...

They played my song!! Marching Bands of Manhattan... I was so excited when they started playing it. Keegan was laughing at me.

And then I bought a t-shirt! And a CD! Which I am currently listening to, hence the title.

So yesterday I went to my cousin's party thing for her graduation. As usual, the whole time my sister and I were just sitting there talking [or in my case reading] or playing with the little kids. Our second cousin [she's 5] ended up staying with us! She slept over last night, and she's sleeping over again tonight. We're baking a cake tomorrow =]=]

So um, I think I should probably go to bed soon. Even though I don't really want to, or feel like it. Maybe I'll just read. And fall asleep reading. I'm kind of nervous to start reading this book. Like a lot of books I read, I know about the author, or have heard of the book, or it's reccomended or something. But sometimes I just pick up a random one and read the back. Actually, I do that a lot, but I rarely buy them. But when I do buy them, I get really nervous before I start to read it. So now I'm nervous.

I finished The Bermudez Triangle at like exactly 2 in the morning last night. It was really good. Good job, Maureen Johnson. As usual. lol.

And I can't believe Barnes n Nobles and Borders both didn't have An Abundance of Katherines!! I'll have to look in Vromans.

Ok I'll stop rambling now.

"but my brain knows better, it picks you up, and turns you round"

I'm an INFP

Yes I know it's one in the morning. I just don't really care.

So I just took this personality test, right? Like, the ultimate personality test.

Turns out I'm an INFP.

INFP - "Questor". High capacity for caring. Emotional face to the world. High sense of honor derived from internal values. 4.4% of total population.

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

So I look at the description for what I am. (There is a link to that in the results thing. Just click on "INFP")

And I'm kind of freaked out because it's like EXACTLY RIGHT. All the charactistics described me like, perfectly. I could like, relate to all of them. Except where it says creative and smart. That's debatable, a matter of opinion. But other than that, it was like PERFECT. It's kinda creepy.

You guys should take the test! I'm kind of curious about what you would get...

Also, I took this other personality test. It's called your personalDNA. Here's a link thing to the results I got:
My personalDNA Report

The wasps are out to get me!!

So I went outside to read for a while like I said on Plurk, right? So I'm laying down in the grass reading, and then the wasps come! I started to have an arguement with them. But they weren't listening. Everytime I thought they went away, I would see another one!! Eventually they kicked me off of the grass. =[=[ I read somewhere else outside instead.

And then, I saw a hummingbird!! Really up-close!! It was so cool!! I wish I could have gotten a picture...

So yesterday I was really bored. So I went outside and started playing around with the timer thing on my camera. And took some weird, random pictures of myself. I'll probably put them on later.

But right now I'm gonna go clean my room then go back outside and read some more.

=]=]

Flickr Game

I saw this on another blog and decided to do it =]=]

Rules:
a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
b. Using only the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into fd's mosaic maker

Questions:
1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. Favorite drink?
7. Dream vacation?
8. Favorite dessert?
9. What you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. One Word to describe you.
12. Your flickr name.



1. Camille 2. Thin Mints 3. Sacred Heart 4. Green 5. George Weasley 6. diet black cherry hansens 7. Morro Bay 8. chocolate ice cream 9. happy 10. friends 11. spontaneous 12. wytherwings (when I get an account on Flickr, which I plan to)

they didn't have anything when I searched for wytherwings!! I had to search witherwings instead.

and my high school doesn't look like that

Plurk, addicted, and the plot that bees have against me.

I got stung by a bee! Actually, it was just laying there (maybe it was dead...) but I didn't know it was there, so I put my hand on it, and yah...

But my hand feels fine now. lol.

After I got stung though, they were completely out to get me!! I'm serious! They wouldn't stop following me!! So I started yelling at them and arguing with them, just like the spider. I don't think bugs listen to me.

Umm that's really all I have to say. Though I do love Plurk. It's cool. But you don't really do anything... I don't know, it's probably more fun when you have more friends. Harry needs to accept my friend request thing!!

I love nerdighters.
I love ficlets.
I love Plurk.
I love Flickr.
I (kinda) love Youtube.
I'm addicted, and this is not a good thing.

I kind of feel like going outside though...
But my mom is right there in the kitchen.
uugghhh.

Ok leaving now.

By the way, I still refuse to get a Facebook.

When do I change my mind about that George?

Camille how did you manage to log in to my account? lol

oh

oopps, this is camillo's account. this is camille. sorry. im logging out now.

Quiz results again

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||| 38% Schizoid |||||||||||| 50% Schizotypal |||||||||||||| 58% Antisocial |||||||||| 38% Borderline |||||||||||||||||| 74% Histrionic |||||||||| 38% Narcissistic |||| 14% Avoidant |||||| 26% Dependent |||||||||||||| 54% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||| 58%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Brain Lateralization Test Results

Right Brain (68%) The right hemisphere is the visual, figurative, artistic, and intuitive side of the brain. Left Brain (36%) The left hemisphere is the logical, articulate, assertive, and practical side of the brain

Are You Right or Left Brained?(word test)
personality tests by similarminds.com

"We shed what was left of our summer skin"

I have nothing to say. Walking around aimlessly, sitting and staring, pretending the people in the forrums and on ficlets care what I say, trying to forget that I'm alone.

That high of being by yourself and doing whatever you want lasts about 5 seconds. And then your like- what the hell?

I'm in a weird mood that I can only describe as- sluggish, sick of everything, confused, bored, numb, desperate.

I was having an argument with this spider that wouldn't leave today. It was rather one-sided.

I'm gonna go outside. See what is new out there. Even though there is nothing new out there. Maybe I'll- I don't know.

I have dance later. Auditions. Ugh. Auditions at my studio are hard to explain. I will not attempt it now. Because, I don't really feel like explaining it again.

"We frolicked about in our summer skin."

I'm listening to Bright Eyes. this has nothing to do with the post. just can't think of a title. or a good one anyways.

Ok. I found the silver-lining. Well, I didn't just find it. It's basically the only thing I've been looking forward to about high school for... years. Starting over. Guess what? One person is going to know me at Sacred Heart. One person!! So I have a clean slate. I can be whoever I want to be. Make whatever name for myself that I want.

Starting over freaks me out too. I have to make friends. I suck at that.

But no one (except Drew) will know anything about who I am! It's a second chance.

I don't know how to explain this. I've been trying for the past like 13 minutes. But I can't really... I don't know. I'm not good at explaining my thoughts.

But the reason I've been scared- which is what I can't really explain- will be gone. I know, I shouldn't be scared to be myself, but just because you shouldn't be scared of something, doesn't mean you aren't, right?

There will be different reasons, of course. But I will be unknown, until someone gets to know me. Once again. I'm not making myself clear.

But. I will miss.. everything. You know that safe feeling? Maybe you don't. Maybe only shy people know that feeling. Or maybe just me. The one where you feel yourself cracking a shell when you're with the people your confortable with, and then going back into the shell when you're not. Everything is unknown next year, and I'll miss being around people I'm totally confortable being myself with.

That's incredibly selfish.

I"m so lucky to know you guys.

I"m not going through this again, ok? I'll miss you, and I'm never going to forget you. And I hope you know that by now because I'm not writing about it again.

And what's also incredibly selfish is that I hope you guys won't forget me, your stubborn, indecisive, selfish friend.

KFC'S CRUETLY TO ANIMALS

Make your own KFC sign at peta2.com

Um, Bye I Guess

So yesterday was Graduation. And today was the dance. They were both fun. and depressing. I mean, my friends have kind of been my life this year, and now we're all leaving. And seeing everyone cry, including Mrs. Farrar-Perkins, made me want to cry. It's just starting to hit me- that we're leaving. I mean, I've been freaking out about it all year, and then when it comes to the end, I'm kind of numb. Strange. But now, I'm just really, sad I guess. And nervous.

I'm not big on hugs. I don't hug people very often, I like to avoid awkward situations. But everyone was hugging. And I really, kind of wanted to. I'm not making sense. But, I don't know. I'm really going to miss everyone. I'm not very good at saying it, or writing it in letters, but I am.

I just don't see how anything could be better than being friends with you guys.

Crap.

Bye.

See you on Tuesday.

"Tell me tell me do you feel the pressure now?"

I'm listening to Paramore, as you can kinda tell from the title.

Talent Show was today!! Lol that was fun.

"everybody sing, like it's the last time you will ever sing"

I remember the ficlet I wrote to this song...

Thinking about that ficlet makes me want to write a ficlet. Or do something creative. I get that feeling a lot, but I usually can't come up with anything creative enough to satisfy... um, me?

Yah ok.

Well. Keegan is telling me to come on AIM. Ok I'm coming.
I'll go on ficlets later.
Or at the same time...
Or most likely both.

lol k bye Keegan and Camille are waiting.

Kinda

"We were born for this"

On Thinking, Alaska, Movies, and Vinegar.

So today and yesterday I've been doing a lot of sitting and staring off into space in my room. And not sitting in normal places in my room. (which is tiny, if you haven't seen it. But I love my tiny room) Like, in on the ground in the middle of the room, or on the ground against my bed, or in the corner, or against my door, or sideways on my bed, or hanging off of it or something strange like that. And I've just been thinking. About what? Random things. If a random person saw me they would think "Oh, she's thinking about something really important." But I'm really not. I mean sometimes I am, I guess. But mostly I'm just rambling... but in my head.

I think too much. Over think, analyzed, or just, THINK. All the time!! My brain just won't be quiet!!! I mean, I know it's like impossible to stop thinking, but I think my brain does extra. Which is impossible, I know. Ok, I'm not making any sense. I can't explain it in words. I've tried explaining this before, and the people just looked at me strangely. (is that a word?) But I know what I mean. So it's ok. =]=]

ANYWAYS. I finally put Bright Eyes on my computer!!! I mean, I've only had the cd for like months, right? lol. Except the person who burned the cd for me doesn't read my blog so whatever.

I finished Looking for Alaska!!! It was really good!!! It has occurred to me that I have read very few books that I actually didn't like. Same with movies. I guess I am easily pleased when it comes to books and movies.

But ones that I have really loved, that's a different story.

I'm seeing Prince Caspian tonight with my family. I'm excited because Kelly Belly and I are Movie Buddies, but since I've been going to the movies with my friends more this year we haven't been Movie Buddies as often. =[=[

But seriously no matter what we are seeing it's really fun going to the movies with my sister. =]=] lol we are so strange together. You should have seen us last night after we got home from that pizza place. OMG ITS WINE VINEGAR!! yah...

I think Kelly Belly and I will um... "continue" making cookies from scratch tonight.

THAT IS SO JOKES (no one gets it =[=[)

Yah... I'm beginning to become obsessed with Nerdfighters. And also Botherhood 2.0. They kind of go hand-in-hand don't they? So it's kind of frustrating that no one at lunch knew who John Green was today. And that if I start to say jokes instead of cool and add In Your Pants at the end of random book titles people will have no idea what I'm talking about. And the Yeti? DFTBA? Song Wednesdays? Made of Awesome? Forget it.

But at the same time I kind of like it. Like being part of this thing that barely anyone that I know personally know about. Is that incredibly selfish? Yah probably. Oh. Well.

I love nerdfighters. I love it!!! It's exactly my kind of thing. A big organization made up of people who are just as nerdy/enthusiastic/strange as me. And fighting against world-suck? What could be better?

Don't think I've forgotten about Ficlets. I haven't. I'm still addicted.

This is kind of bad though. I still need to get off the computer and go outside. I don't want to become like a vombie, practically living in front of the computer.

But... so... many... websites!!! That I love!!

Ugh. Man, I'm a conflicted person. (and I had a conversation about that with someone on Nerdfighters too. lol.)

Oh My Gooodness. I haven't written a ficlet forever it seems like. I'm worried that I'm replacing my ficlets addiction with a nerdfighters addiction. This is really not good. Because I love ficlets.

Man I'm beginning to talk [type] like them too.

Now off to watch B20, read Looking for Alaska, WRITE A FICLET [or a couple], take a shower, and make a house of cards!!

[not all at the same time of course]

Who shot that arrow in your throat?

Today was...
hmmm.
A lot of different things. Very strange. At lunch I was... yah. Sorry if I snapped at anyone, it's all kind of a blur. I was in a bad mood. Cuz my back huuurts. And I was also just... mad. For no reason. Why does this keep happening? For no particular reason? Maybe there's something wrong with me...

Anyway so after school it got better. Amara's house was fun. Yaaaah, our talent show things... ok...
lol.

And then I went on Nerdfighters! And Ficlets! And after this I'm gonna go on Youtube and do my homework. Ugh, I'm slowly killing myself. I know, you're saying, "then get off the computer and do your work! Get some sleep! You will have time for that later!"
Well, I don't exactly make the smartest decisions, and I'm saying that to myself, but I'm just not listening. Ugh, I'm stupid.

Can you tell I'm in a strange mood right now? And my back... ugh I want to lay down. It feels good when I lay down.

Oh, I have a new comment on my Nerdfighter page... (according to Gmail) I should probably check it... Actually I probably shouldn't but I probably will anyways.

Yah, I'm slowly killing myself.

I'm not good with titles

I keep thinking about the "future." Like on the trip, after we played truth that one night I kept thinking about what I would do after high school, what I would do after college. I don't know why. Maybe because of the road trip idea thing. lol the road trip. ok. ANYWAYS

Saw Indiana Jones yesterday. The bugs were creepy. It was a good movie. Probably going to the movies again today to see Made of Honor. But first I need to get new pointe shoes. Seriously, I cannot take another class in those shoes, I've had then since November. You're not supposed to have them for more than like 3 months. Oops.

Lock and Key was a good book. But I still like some of her (Sarah Dessen) other books better. And now since Sarah Dessen hasn't written anymore I'm reading The Nature of Jade by Deb Caletti. She's supposed to be a good author. So far she is.

I bought a CD! At Starbucks! The Starbucks at Trump Tower! Yah, I'm serious. It's Narrow Stairs, Death Cab for Cutie. Hm. It's good. I love Plans though, nothing can beat Plans. Watch me change my mind.

I vow not to say kk bibi anymore.

For now I will say bye.

=]

Home!

So I'm back! From the East Coast trip! Yay! Seriously, I'm actually glad to be home. Is it horrible that I'm surprised about that?

Now I just have a couple of things to do, but after that hopefully I won't be as stressed-out as before.

Yyeeesss!!! Like two more weeks of school!!! I'm so happy!!!

But also sad. I'm gonna miss my friends, the **island**

I'm gonna have to make new friends next year... uh... yah. ok.

But I'm not gonna worry about that. I'm not gonna worry about anything. I'm gonna do AR, the East Coast notebook, and organize the math and bible binders. And try not to think ahead.

Taking each step at a time, and getting some sleep. At least for the summer.

hm. Am I missing something? I feel like I'm missing something.

Like what you ask? I don't know. But something.

quiz results

What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Social Nerd   You're interested in things such as politics, psychology, child care, and peace. I wouldn't go so far as to call you a hippie, but some of you may be tree-huggers. You're the type of people who are interested in bettering the world. You're possible the least nerdy of them all; unless you participate in other activies that paled your nerdiness compared to your involvement in social activities. Whatever the case, we could still use more of you around. ^_^
Literature Nerd
Drama Nerd
Musician
Artistic Nerd
Gamer/Computer Nerd
Science/Math Nerd
Anime Nerd
What Be Your Nerd Type? Quizzes for MySpace

I"m really happy. Why? I don't know. These days I cannot decipher my moods very well. Maybe it's cause the science fair is over!!!! Or that all the other projects are over!! Or because the east coast is next week!! Or because I'm missing two weeks of dance!! (that's bad- I know) Or maybe it's cause I'm listening to Motion City Soundtrack and they put me in a good mood. I don't know. But I'm happy. =] See? Happy! lol

And, nervous. Cause of two things.

One, math test. I'm pretty confident about it, but that's why I'm scared. Whatch me fail because I think I might acually get the chapter.

Two, dance auditions for High School. I'm nervous. She thinks I'm good just because I dance at PCB, so I think I won't be as good as she thinks I am. And she's never even seen me dance!! I'm not very good...
And, it's not even the normal auditions because I'll be on the east coast trip during the real ones. So I'm taking on of her classes instead. I'm nnneeerrrrvvvvooouuuussss.
And, I'm missing the math test to take her class so I have to take it at some other time of the day. Probably 6th period. Or lunch. Yup.

I like this song. =]=]

I'm still happy. uummmm I have to leave now to go... somewhere. oooooo mysterious!! Not really, kk bibi.

(and by the way I said bibi first)

hahahahaha k bye

I love this, it's the thing for open house
I love mine =]=]

Camille
Observant, creative, indecisive, and spontaneous
Sibling of Kelly Belly
Lover of GREEN, The Hush Sound, ficlets, photography, and Hansens soda
Fears spiders and closed minds
Needs my friends, my parents, my sister and my dog
Gives (lends) so many books to my friends that I’m considered the NetFlix of books
Would like to see The Hush Sound live again =]=]
Amber Tamblyn would star in a movie of my life
Dream job is a photographer
Resident of P-
O-

yah, I figured I probably shouldn't put where I live. or my last name.

She said she won the world at carnival

"She held the world apon a string"
So I've been listening to this Pretty Odd by Panic! At the Disco a lot. Like, over and over while I'm doing homework (Or doing something else while the homework is on the desk in front of me.)I mean, I've listened to other stuff too, I currently have 90 songs in the Recently Added playlist, but mainly this.

but it never made her happy, cuase she couldn't ever have me
I've been so busy. So. Many. Projects. (lol George, "we do?") Even Mr Bailey was like "the administrators are kind of worried." And I was thinking, "great, change it the year AFTER i leave.

I don't love you I'm just passing the time. You could love me if I knew how to lie. But who could love me I am out of my mind? I can't wait for a break. The East Coast Trip is next week!! Yay!!! I probably won't be able to post on here though... or OMG NO!! ficlets!!! Two weeks without ficlets... omg. Wow, I am addicted.

(btw all the italics are lyrics. She Had the World. By, if you couldn't guess, Panic! At the Disco)

Throwing a line out to sea, to see if I can catch a dream

Even More Quiz Results. lol.

Your Eyes Should Be Violet

Your eyes reflect: Mystery and allure What's hidden behind your eyes: A quiet passion

What Color Should Your Eyes Be?