I explained how the night works to Amy at lunch today.
See, there's that period where you get tired. It's different for different people, but for me it's usually around 11:30. For people who go to bed earlier, it's earlier for them. That's when people generally go to sleep, or are supposed to. During the tired time period.
But then, after a certain point, you're not tired anymore. Or at least I'm not. You get sleepier and sleepier, but then as you kind of get used to not being asleep... you just stop being tired. And you're almost wide awake. It's so weird. For me, this time varies. Sometimes it's around 1, sometimes later. Today it's early, right now it's like 12:20. Actually, I never got tired today... maybe it's because of the caffeine. I'll probably crash sometime soon tonight. ANYWAYS.
And then after that period... if you stay up really late... you get to the surreal period. (anyone who's pulled an all-nighter or almost-all-nighter knows what this is like I think). I think this normally happens around 4, maybe a little earlier (or later...). It's where nothing feels real anymore. Like you look around and you're like... what am I doing? But then you just keep doing it because... well. Just because. For different reasons. Really, I mean, let's say you're doing homework. The restrictions or guidelines for whatever your doing start to become like... blurred. You allow more to go into your paper or project... and it either ends up improved or not making sense. If you're reading... your whole world kind of becomes the world of your book because the world your in is asleep... so much so that when you look up from your book you're a little dizzy.
See... you kind of just go from being normal (tired because it's night) to not so normal (not tired in the middle of the night) to kind of insane (making stuff up in your head)
So. That's the way the night works.
you should beware... half of what I say is usually me making up stuff and improvising in my rambling. it's all true and relevant to me... but may have no truth or validity in your life.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
"Volcanic Vehemence"
"I know no medium: I never in my life have known any medium in my dealings with positive submission and determined revolt. I have always faithfully observed the one, up to the very moment of bursting, sometimes with volcanic vehemence, into the other; and as neither present circumstances warranted, nor my present mood inclined me to mutiny"
-Jane Eyre
man, that's like, my LIFE right there
-Jane Eyre
man, that's like, my LIFE right there
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
It's... Something
I mean, maybe it's just me. Maybe I just can't stay in one spot for too long, maybe I just can't stick permanently.
Because it's the same feeling I've always gotten. The gut feeling. The sinking feeling. I got it there... I get it here too.
Maybe I'm meant to just be flakey and inconsistent, maybe that's how I am. Everything about me. Everything, to what I say... to what I think... to what mood I'm in even. It's that roller coaster all over again. Never ending. Always going.
I'm always going 100 miles an hour, never stopping to breath. And then freezing. Fucking freezing. And sinking. And then going and going and going and running and being on top of the world and never... I don't know. Never being in the middle.
I'm kind of a mess.
But when I stop to think about it... it's how I've always been. 2nd grade. 3rd grade. 4th grade. 5th grade. 6th grade. 7th grade. 8th grade. and... 9th grade. every year, every time... I'm looking back at everything and just... feeling that same sinking feeling. Knowing something is wrong... but not knowing what.
Never knowing what.
Because it's the same feeling I've always gotten. The gut feeling. The sinking feeling. I got it there... I get it here too.
Maybe I'm meant to just be flakey and inconsistent, maybe that's how I am. Everything about me. Everything, to what I say... to what I think... to what mood I'm in even. It's that roller coaster all over again. Never ending. Always going.
I'm always going 100 miles an hour, never stopping to breath. And then freezing. Fucking freezing. And sinking. And then going and going and going and running and being on top of the world and never... I don't know. Never being in the middle.
I'm kind of a mess.
But when I stop to think about it... it's how I've always been. 2nd grade. 3rd grade. 4th grade. 5th grade. 6th grade. 7th grade. 8th grade. and... 9th grade. every year, every time... I'm looking back at everything and just... feeling that same sinking feeling. Knowing something is wrong... but not knowing what.
Never knowing what.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
"the secrets of the worlds"
It's weird, I first read Jane Eyre in 6th grade. I remember it clearly, I read the majority of the book in a condo in Las Vegas in the first week after the new year. We had driven there, my sister, my mom, and I, with my sister's friend and her mom on january 1, 2006. holy crap. 2006. I think I just realized... that really was a while ago. wow.
Anyways. There were a couple different reasons we all went there, I'm not going to go into those right now. But we know someone who owns a condo there, so that's where we stayed. And I just remember reading Jane Eyre whenever I got the chance, reading on the balcony, reading on the blow-up mattress, reading on the couch, on the carpet, at the table. It's like... ugh, so hard to explain the feeling. Like, remembering a place. I don't just remember the place, to remember it is to remember Jane Eyre, Casting Crowns, old mini ipods, that green roxy hat, the blue men, the blue men kiss on my cheek, sophia and victoria, the animals in the hotel, sudoku, the hospital, that tv (oh goodness), the blue and pink bathroom towels, that huge mirror, the bird's nest, the balcony, that car, making scrambled eggs, the card table... just. the whole thing. the whole trip for me, just kind of meshes into this whole blur of different... things. You know what I mean?
(haha... no, camille... I dont... you make no sense. we've never been there, camille)
Anyways. this post wasn't even supposed to be about that. It was supposed to be about Jane Eyre.
Ok, the point is, I had to read Jane Eyre over again for school this year. And... it's a completely different book for me. Like, the second time I read it... it just seemed completely different. I've reread books before, and they've changed for me in the past, but not to this extent. I guess the first time I read the book I didn't really understand all of it because of how it's written, but it's more than that. It's just... not the same book. It is, but it means different things now. And it doesn't really have anything to do with analyzing it in class.
I do remember some parts though. There are two spots in particular... that I remember, crystal clear. Like, not just remembering the scene, but remembering where I was, what I was thinking, while reading it. It was pretty insane. I mean, obviously usually when I read books I remember where I was reading it before, but it was different because I actually already knew what was going to happen in the book. This time, I really didn't remember a lot.
It just... brought me back to laying on that blow-up mattress, that barely fit in the space between the front of the bed and the drawers, reading late at night, after everyone else was alseep, and me trying to stay up and reading this- at the time kind of creepy- part of the book. It's a feeling I'm very familiar with, rereading books a lot and all... but I don't know. It was different this time.
I can't really explain it very well, sorry you had to read this atrocity of me failing to describe something that was pretty stupid in the first place. I kind of realize that there's really no way for someone to completely understand a feeling like that that's in someone else's head. Like, you could have something similar, but then again you can't really be sure that it's the same thing. And you don't have to be. That's kind of the beauty of each of our thoughts being our own in the first place.
You know?
just kidding.
Wait what?
haha... sorry.
On a completely different note... spell check is AMAZING =D
Anyways. There were a couple different reasons we all went there, I'm not going to go into those right now. But we know someone who owns a condo there, so that's where we stayed. And I just remember reading Jane Eyre whenever I got the chance, reading on the balcony, reading on the blow-up mattress, reading on the couch, on the carpet, at the table. It's like... ugh, so hard to explain the feeling. Like, remembering a place. I don't just remember the place, to remember it is to remember Jane Eyre, Casting Crowns, old mini ipods, that green roxy hat, the blue men, the blue men kiss on my cheek, sophia and victoria, the animals in the hotel, sudoku, the hospital, that tv (oh goodness), the blue and pink bathroom towels, that huge mirror, the bird's nest, the balcony, that car, making scrambled eggs, the card table... just. the whole thing. the whole trip for me, just kind of meshes into this whole blur of different... things. You know what I mean?
(haha... no, camille... I dont... you make no sense. we've never been there, camille)
Anyways. this post wasn't even supposed to be about that. It was supposed to be about Jane Eyre.
Ok, the point is, I had to read Jane Eyre over again for school this year. And... it's a completely different book for me. Like, the second time I read it... it just seemed completely different. I've reread books before, and they've changed for me in the past, but not to this extent. I guess the first time I read the book I didn't really understand all of it because of how it's written, but it's more than that. It's just... not the same book. It is, but it means different things now. And it doesn't really have anything to do with analyzing it in class.
I do remember some parts though. There are two spots in particular... that I remember, crystal clear. Like, not just remembering the scene, but remembering where I was, what I was thinking, while reading it. It was pretty insane. I mean, obviously usually when I read books I remember where I was reading it before, but it was different because I actually already knew what was going to happen in the book. This time, I really didn't remember a lot.
It just... brought me back to laying on that blow-up mattress, that barely fit in the space between the front of the bed and the drawers, reading late at night, after everyone else was alseep, and me trying to stay up and reading this- at the time kind of creepy- part of the book. It's a feeling I'm very familiar with, rereading books a lot and all... but I don't know. It was different this time.
I can't really explain it very well, sorry you had to read this atrocity of me failing to describe something that was pretty stupid in the first place. I kind of realize that there's really no way for someone to completely understand a feeling like that that's in someone else's head. Like, you could have something similar, but then again you can't really be sure that it's the same thing. And you don't have to be. That's kind of the beauty of each of our thoughts being our own in the first place.
You know?
just kidding.
Wait what?
haha... sorry.
On a completely different note... spell check is AMAZING =D
Friday, May 8, 2009
"crashing by desire"
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It's a feeling. A feeling of the sun coming back. Of walking with your ipod on, an inner bouncing, an inner laugh, an inner smile. of feeling a little bit too cool because of the shoes you're wearing. of uniform skirts, uniquely worn. of cement-on-converse-shoes. of psychedelic pictures and colors and sounds in your head from the music you hear. of bright, bright colors. bright... bright but soft. soft edges, soft and smooth swirls of pen. of making something pretty out of something ordinary. of having your own color code- making the petals of the flowers green and the stems pink. of making the grass blue, the water green and the sun purple. of chipped purple nail polish. of drinking from soda cans and feeling a bit too cool doing it. of bare-feet and late night studying. of the stillness of the house after everyone else is asleep. of sunglasses. of new ballet shoes replacing old beat-up ones. of the smell of... the smell of summer. of laughing in the midst of the end-of-school-year madness. of being stressed during the day... and carefree at night. of smileys and talks with mom and jokes with dad. of not taking things too seriously. it's a feeling. The oddest feeling. I can't tell you. I might just be able to show you. But probably not =D
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Ballet Dancer- The Twins
Accidents Will Happen- Elvis Costello and the Attractions
The Equestrian Statue- Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band
Beard Lust- Natalie Portman's Shaved Head
Mr. Tambourine Man- The Byrds
Jane Eyre
soda in cans
cookie dough
extravagant doodles
bright colors
purple
high-tops
wildly-straight hair
~~~~*~~~~*~~~~*~~~~*~~~~
I'm coming to realize that I just don't have much to say.
Not much to say at all.
I'd much rather show you.
It's a feeling. A feeling of the sun coming back. Of walking with your ipod on, an inner bouncing, an inner laugh, an inner smile. of feeling a little bit too cool because of the shoes you're wearing. of uniform skirts, uniquely worn. of cement-on-converse-shoes. of psychedelic pictures and colors and sounds in your head from the music you hear. of bright, bright colors. bright... bright but soft. soft edges, soft and smooth swirls of pen. of making something pretty out of something ordinary. of having your own color code- making the petals of the flowers green and the stems pink. of making the grass blue, the water green and the sun purple. of chipped purple nail polish. of drinking from soda cans and feeling a bit too cool doing it. of bare-feet and late night studying. of the stillness of the house after everyone else is asleep. of sunglasses. of new ballet shoes replacing old beat-up ones. of the smell of... the smell of summer. of laughing in the midst of the end-of-school-year madness. of being stressed during the day... and carefree at night. of smileys and talks with mom and jokes with dad. of not taking things too seriously. it's a feeling. The oddest feeling. I can't tell you. I might just be able to show you. But probably not =D
It's livng. It's finding your own way. I'm not you, you're not me. Let's not pretend to be. Let's just... let's just be free.
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*all pictures are mine- taken by me, edited by me* ... just to let y'all know
Thursday, April 30, 2009
BEDA 21: Epic Spontanious Shakespearian Harry Potter Stories
I haven't done a post in a week. I'm not sure if we classify that as me just missing a LOT of days... or me just giving up.
oh well. either way... it's a FAIL.
But anyways... it's the last day! Last April post! or... last day feeling guilty for not posting! Except I'm not going to feel guilty about that today, since I'm actually posting =D
Today is Thursday, I get out of school early. I'm not sure why. And I don't have school tomorrow, I just have this mother-daughter thing to go to at my school. So that's pretty awesome.
These past two weeks back from break have been crazy. And busy. The dance concert went really well, by the way. Everyone pretty much loved our dance =D. It's really different from the rest of the dances in the concert. I'm not quite sure how that happened. Now my next show is in June, which is with the company and studio I'm with. I'm excited for that =]
On Tuesday, my friends and I had a potluck at lunch. We did it on Tuesday because that's my video day for 7awesomehorcruxes. But... alas... I forgot my camera. fail. But it was really fun. We're going to have one next week I think too. And they toasted to me! It was awesome =D
Yesterday, Wednesday, was pretty awesome too. There was a theater club meeting, where they were having a "talentless show". Only for theater club (theater club is HUGE at my school). Now, I'm not in theater club. The only one in our little group of friends that IS in theater club is my friend Nora. But she wanted to do something, so she got us to do it with her. Well actually she got Cathy to do it with her, and then I decided I wanted to do it with them, and then Cathy and I kind of put two other friends in it too (this was all that yesterday before lunch). Soo at the talentless show, people were doing the kinds of things you would expect, little skits, little one-person act things, little dances, even one person being Fred. She was pretty awesome too.
And then... we go up. It starts off with Cathy and Nora being Romeo and Juliet at the balcony scene, and then they somehow start singing The Circle of Life. Then I come on (I'm Harry Potter) and my friend Amy comes on from the opposite side of the stage (we never decided if she was voldemort or snape) and interrupt them, by me shouting "adavera kadavera!" and Amy falling, dead, to the floor. Then my friend Ali (who is Draco) comes on behind me, and we get into an epic slap fight. This whole time, romeo and juliet are wondering what harry potter characters are doing in their play. Then they decide to break up our slap fight, and amy rises from the dead, and we all do the Macarena. The end.
It was pretty awesome. I just found it really funny that only one of us was actually supposed to be there. The rest of us pretty much crashed =D
Soo... I have to leave in 20 minutes to go to school, and I still have to do my math homework. So, bye everyone. To everyone who ever commented, or even just read, any of my posts... thank you so much. Like, I really mean it. Thanks =]
Goodbye now =]
oh well. either way... it's a FAIL.
But anyways... it's the last day! Last April post! or... last day feeling guilty for not posting! Except I'm not going to feel guilty about that today, since I'm actually posting =D
Today is Thursday, I get out of school early. I'm not sure why. And I don't have school tomorrow, I just have this mother-daughter thing to go to at my school. So that's pretty awesome.
These past two weeks back from break have been crazy. And busy. The dance concert went really well, by the way. Everyone pretty much loved our dance =D. It's really different from the rest of the dances in the concert. I'm not quite sure how that happened. Now my next show is in June, which is with the company and studio I'm with. I'm excited for that =]
On Tuesday, my friends and I had a potluck at lunch. We did it on Tuesday because that's my video day for 7awesomehorcruxes. But... alas... I forgot my camera. fail. But it was really fun. We're going to have one next week I think too. And they toasted to me! It was awesome =D
Yesterday, Wednesday, was pretty awesome too. There was a theater club meeting, where they were having a "talentless show". Only for theater club (theater club is HUGE at my school). Now, I'm not in theater club. The only one in our little group of friends that IS in theater club is my friend Nora. But she wanted to do something, so she got us to do it with her. Well actually she got Cathy to do it with her, and then I decided I wanted to do it with them, and then Cathy and I kind of put two other friends in it too (this was all that yesterday before lunch). Soo at the talentless show, people were doing the kinds of things you would expect, little skits, little one-person act things, little dances, even one person being Fred. She was pretty awesome too.
And then... we go up. It starts off with Cathy and Nora being Romeo and Juliet at the balcony scene, and then they somehow start singing The Circle of Life. Then I come on (I'm Harry Potter) and my friend Amy comes on from the opposite side of the stage (we never decided if she was voldemort or snape) and interrupt them, by me shouting "adavera kadavera!" and Amy falling, dead, to the floor. Then my friend Ali (who is Draco) comes on behind me, and we get into an epic slap fight. This whole time, romeo and juliet are wondering what harry potter characters are doing in their play. Then they decide to break up our slap fight, and amy rises from the dead, and we all do the Macarena. The end.
It was pretty awesome. I just found it really funny that only one of us was actually supposed to be there. The rest of us pretty much crashed =D
Soo... I have to leave in 20 minutes to go to school, and I still have to do my math homework. So, bye everyone. To everyone who ever commented, or even just read, any of my posts... thank you so much. Like, I really mean it. Thanks =]
Goodbye now =]
Thursday, April 23, 2009
BEDA 20: Hey... you
Hellooo everyone. Yeah, I missed three days of blogs. Um... yeah. sorry about that.
This weekend (actually tonight is the first show) is the dance concert at my school. I'm only in one dance, but I've been really busy with it. I'm doing video for the first half of the show since I'm only in the second half too. The rehearsals have been from 5-10 for the past three days, so basically I've been coming home for like an hour then going back to school for rehearsal. Then I haven't been getting home till about 10:30 or 40, and doing homework until I fall asleep basically. Soo yeah. sorry about that.
I guess I could have written the posts during that one hour at home... but honestly... I've been lazy about it. Oh well. I guess I fail =D
So I guess I don't really have that much else to say... and not really any more time to say it anyways... since I have to get ready to leave now... but the first show (of 4 shows) is tonight, and I'm actually getting a little excited.
The dance I'm in is really cool (well I think it is). It's hard to explain, but it has to do with little kind of creepy baby dolls for 5 of us, and long wedding 1800's style wedding dresses for the other 5. It's the "creepy dance" of the show I guess. I'm just worried I'm going to start laughing, because we know the audience is going to at a couple points in the dance. This show is cool because each dance or video (there are some videos being shown that were done by the video production classes) is based off of a piece or pieces of art.
Ok, I'm running late (in case you haven't noticed, I'm one of those people that's late to almost everything) so I gotta go now.
uggh 4 days back at school and I'm already behind on homework =/
This weekend (actually tonight is the first show) is the dance concert at my school. I'm only in one dance, but I've been really busy with it. I'm doing video for the first half of the show since I'm only in the second half too. The rehearsals have been from 5-10 for the past three days, so basically I've been coming home for like an hour then going back to school for rehearsal. Then I haven't been getting home till about 10:30 or 40, and doing homework until I fall asleep basically. Soo yeah. sorry about that.
I guess I could have written the posts during that one hour at home... but honestly... I've been lazy about it. Oh well. I guess I fail =D
So I guess I don't really have that much else to say... and not really any more time to say it anyways... since I have to get ready to leave now... but the first show (of 4 shows) is tonight, and I'm actually getting a little excited.
The dance I'm in is really cool (well I think it is). It's hard to explain, but it has to do with little kind of creepy baby dolls for 5 of us, and long wedding 1800's style wedding dresses for the other 5. It's the "creepy dance" of the show I guess. I'm just worried I'm going to start laughing, because we know the audience is going to at a couple points in the dance. This show is cool because each dance or video (there are some videos being shown that were done by the video production classes) is based off of a piece or pieces of art.
Ok, I'm running late (in case you haven't noticed, I'm one of those people that's late to almost everything) so I gotta go now.
uggh 4 days back at school and I'm already behind on homework =/
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