oh darn...

Maybe I don't belong anywhere. Maybe I wasn't meant for that. Maybe I was meant to just watch everyone else belong, from the outside. Maybe I'm supposed to know all of the facts, but never be a part of it. Maybe I'm supposed to know about life... but not experience it for myself. Maybe I'm not supposed to be known. Maybe I'm the one pulling the curtain, controlling the lights. Maybe I did what Mrs. Farrar-Perkins hoped we wouldn't. Maybe I peaked in junior high.

I'm too picky. Whenever I'm with the two people I talk to at school, I just sit there wishing I was with you guys while they talk about the Jonas Brothers and a bunch of actors and movies I've never heard of. I'm closing myself away from anyone else, because they're not you guys. Why? Why do I act like they're not good enough or something? It's horrible. Damn. When I write it out like that, it's even more horrible. See? Can't you guys see it? The selfishness? No matter how much I say it... people refuse to believe me.

What do you think of me?

I... somehow people come up with ideas about other people very quickly. (yah... I know that was like, a "duh" statement) But... I don't even know what to think about myself anymore. What made we interesting was... you guys. Without you, at dance... at school... I feel empty.

You guys hold me up, and you're so amazing that you don't even realize it. You guys keep me from thinking my life is worthless. You guys keep me from completely falling apart. Well, falling apart more than I do.

How do you make friends? I've been wondering... my whole life. I'm just... so bad at it. Whenever I've had friends, it's because they've started talking to me. Seriously, for most of my elementary career (hehe... career) I played by myself, walked around the playground over and over and over, and my imaginary friends' lives were WAY too planned out. Seriously, I made up a whole new imaginary world. With bad guys that we had to defeat and everything.

There were a few good friends over the years... but they usually left me after a while. Except for you guys, you guys are... so amazing.

...

I'm pretty sure you're gonna hate me after this. You... I love you. Do you not know how much I care about you? You are one of the best friends I could ever hope of having. But I don't know what to do. What I can do, considering what you think of me. You must think I'm horrible. I'm sorry that I made it seem like that. I mean, I am pretty horrible. I just... I'm not ignorant. I'm not oblivious. I don't want to have to tiptoe around people.

Don't... if you leave, I don't really know how I could really, survive. I'm selfish, I know it, but you're one of my best friends, I've known you forever, and I've kind of always thought of you as one of my best friends. Someone who would always be there. Yes, that's incredibly selfish, and I'm a bitch. But I couldn't stand losing you.

Just, I don't know. Just continue talking to the person you want to talk to. She's more stable, and smarter. Wiser. More considerate. She can help.

I want to help. But I don't know if that's possible.

God, I'm like, in tears. I'm so weak.

Oh God, you're gonna hate me so much when you read this, if you do.

because everyone else seems to be doing one

I'm seriously enjoying this David Bowie cd.

I just recently noticed something. I've started saying pwn. Like, a lot. vlogbrothers, what have you done? Well you know what, it's an awesome word.

My latin teacher was talking about that today. About the our changing language, and how Latin will never change. Because it's a "dead" language. But really she wasn't talking about Latin, but about English. Yah. It was cool. She is one of those teachers who will just spend the whole class talking to the class, and telling us stories about her life and stuff. But, she is so interesting to listen to. Like, it's not boring, like you would expect it to be. She's awesome. And really interesting, and like, intriguing to listen to.

And my religion class is awesome. Every class is just basically discussion. It's awesome. I really like discussion classes, except for the fact that I can't talk in them. I hate talking out loud in class. I can never get my thoughts straight, and then say them out loud. It just, doesn't work for me. Anyone who has seen me do a presentation or heard me in like bible or something can attest to that. But I do like the discussion classes. Especially this one. The topics are actually interesting, and not all religion-y like at PCS. This class (or maybe just the teacher) is so much more like, open. And you know what? I actually talked! Like, voluntarily! More than once! And the first project is a collage. lol. =]

I also love my english class. Again, discussions. And I love listening to this teacher talk too. This may sound weird, but I love the way she talks. It makes you want to listen. I'm so excited.

I don't like biology. not at all.

I'm still seriously enjoying this cd. Something about glam rock makes me smile. =] lol see?

I want to go vegan. Like really. I do. At least vegetarian. I might just go vegetarian, partly because I don't to make it hard on my parents. There's actually a lot of options of food for vegans these days, you just have to do your research. But, I might just be vegetarian. My mom is already started lecturing me when I told her I wanted to be vegetarian.

hehe, I love this cd.

Roller Coaster

So. Um. Today is John Green's birthday. I know, you probably don't care. But. I do, because he's really a great writer, and a great role model, and inspiration, and just, an awesome person. So yah.

I just used a lot of commas, but I really don't feel like going back and editing. Ok this is strange. There was like a really really loud ringing in my ears, but now it just went away. And now it's coming back. It's the same ringing I kept hearing at Harry's house, remember? Ugh, it's so annoying. I can't concentrate. It's so hot in here, I should probably turn the air on. But I kind of have the chills. So I'm not.

School starts tomorrow. Ugh. I want to write some more stuff about school, but I'm going to get contradicted again. So I'm not.

I love the armory. The classes there are awesome. And I was going to take this class there, but I can't. So I'm going to try to take this other class that my mom's friend's friend wants to start, if she starts it. And then I'm gonna try to take the class at the armory next year, and I'll get high school credit for it. I love volenteering with the little kids. In the last class, one of the girls was deaf, so my job teh whole time was to like, help her and write stuff down for her. She was awesome. She was so funny. And one day I was wearing my Draco and the Malfoys shirt and she knew it was Harry Potter!! =]=]=]

I finally finished my summer reading. But I didn't write in the book or take notes or anything. Oh well. Oh Camille, I need to give you your book don't I?

uumm. What else. I get mad, or sad, or happy, or excited, or depressed really easily. Like any emotion, once it's there, it's on high. It's like a roller coaster. That sounds really... ugh I don't know. Just.

Ok. Don't judge.

That's pretty much impossible though.

How come whenever I actually try to do a normal blogpost for once, it always turns out all weird and impossible to figure out?

wow I won't blame you if you stopped reading a long time ago.

Bye. sorry

ok I changed it

bah bah bah, bah bah, sha do be do

I did it!!!

I have a better, more normal, post under this one, if you would prefer (yah, they're two days apart)

I really have no reason to be writing this. It's kind of sad, I post blog posts for reassurance, for clarity, and for letting stuff out. But I'm not really accomplishing, or getting any of that anymore. I just post, and post, and post, because I'm hopeful. And this post is more for me than ever, because I'm not making myself clear to anyone but me. That's nothing different than usual I know, but this time it's kind of on purpose. So I don't expect anything from this. The 0 is always frustrating, but never unexpected. This may seem selfish to you, and that's because you're right. I don't know if anyone will read this, but that doesn't really matter. Because all I needed was to write it out. This probably doesn't seem like anything, but it's kind of meant that way. I don't really know what I meant by that, but whatever. I'm not gonna take it out. Because I like it. A lot.

=]