4 1/2 Topics.

Visiting.

It's 3:44 AM, December 31, 2008. I just read/scimmed through all the way back to my first post. It's... odd. Going back and seeing my old self. Especially seeing her... back in July. July and August I think. Back when she wrote a lot of those "serious" posts. It was interesting. I felt like I was going back and shaking her hand, looking her in the eye, and saying "I definitely know what you mean."

Really, that's what it feels like. I feel like I can see directly eye-to-eye with her, and even though she wasn't getting her thoughts out clearly at all, I know what she was saying. There is an understanding. But I could see the difference too. It was so clear, so so so so clear. I'm different than her. Just a few months, and I feel so different. Visiting those old feelings... I could almost smile. They are still true, still relevant, but... I don't know. I just... I felt like I really was looking her in eyes, the girl, the old me, who wrote those, and having a conversation with her.

It cleared some things up.


Future.

So... I really don't know what I'm doing with my life. I just know... one thing.

I'm leaving. I just... I want to go. Leave. Start over, in a new place. A new state. Maybe even a new country. I don't want to stay here.

And, I don't picture myself staying in one place. I mean, maybe once I like, get married and have a family and all of that stuff I'll stay in one place. But before that... I want to go places. I want to go all over. Not necessarily all over the world, but all over the country, definitely.

This isn't rational or anything. I don't know where I'd get the money. But I could just... picture myself moving around. Not settling in one spot for too long.

Now, I have no idea if that's gonna happen. It's just... what I could see. I don't know. It's just a crazy... picture I have in my head. Because I do, I actually have a picture... in my head.

I just know that... I'm already sick of high school. All of the little things everyone seems to worry about. That seem so irrelevant, once you leave high school. I can't wait to just leave. Get over that.


Pills

I hate pills. For some reason, I always feel like throwing up after I swallow one.

I've been sick. I've actually been better the past like, two days though. We went ice skating, which was fun.

My voice sounds odd, but I actually kind of like it like this. I think no one else agrees with me though. (except maybe George)

Missing/Remembering

I miss some people. In different ways. Some feelings... I'm kind of just now... digging up I guess.

First is easiest: you guys. I mean, I know I just saw you guys. I'm just going to miss this past year. I already miss seeing you guys everyday at school, because I don't anymore. I've gotten used to the way things are now, but I think sometimes reminding myself how much I actually miss you guys is important. I don't know why.

Um. next. harder.
Um. An old friend... I just kind of miss an old friend. Like, it was years ago, but sometimes I still miss them. Miss the closeness, I guess.

Next.
I miss my uncle. Thinking about heaven and hell always reminds me of how scared I was for him when I was younger... at his funeral. And it reminds me of how mad I used to get at God. Still do, actually. Part of the reason I'm so... conflicted.
And I keep remembering my grandparents. My dad's parents. I remember wishing I could have gotten to know them better, because of how amazing everyone says they were.


Family is important. Whether blood related or not, family is important. I take that for granted, I don't really think about my [big] family much. But I've kind of been remembering important things... lately.


There. Four and a half topics for you, fleshed out a little by me. I started writing this just because I wanted to do a blog post, but didn't know what to write. It's now 4:12 AM December 31, 2008. This year will be over soon. It was a... big year for me. I hope you had a good time too. I hope you learned some things, and I hope you remembered some things. I hope you didn't throw it away. I hope 2009 will be a year to remember... I hope for the best. For all of you.

Now, I really should be going to sleep.