Sonnet

This is the Shakespearean style sonnet I wrote for school. I posted it on ficlets too.

Helping Hand

Why would they go to such extremities?
Sometimes you cannot help but wonder why
Had their life gotten to such bad degrees
That the only answer left was to die?
Please listen, don’t follow their example
There is another way for you, you know
Stop me before I get emotional
But I think I’d die if you were to go
I wish I had the answers here and now
But I’m trying to be strong, as much as you
I cannot offer much, but this I vow
To be there always if you do feel blue
For if there was one thing that I would lend,
I’d be my helping hand to help my friend.

Today

A week ago today... I was trying to make the collage for Religion.

A month ago today... I was silently freaking out because school started the next day.

Half a year ago today... I posted two ficlets: a poem for school, and a sequel for George's story challenge on ficlets, with an (exaggerated) true story

A year ago today... I had an english worksheet, p. 125 in my math book, and ch. 2 science terms for homework.

A year ago today... John Green was at an awesome hotel at M.I.T. (but I hadn't heard of him yet...)

A year ago today... I had never written a ficlet.

A year ago today... I was probably listening to The Hush Sound, considering they were all I listened to for like a month

A year ago today... I had no idea where I was going for high school (but I was dreading it)

A year ago today... I had dance class with Diane

A year ago today... I had no idea I would become who I am today

In just a year from today... so much had changed

Quotes... from all over, and a ficlet

http://ficlets.com/stories/42747#review-94330

This is my way of describing the past week:

"you've gotta face with a view"

"ballet is pure geometry"

"my dreams aren't as empty, as my concience seems to be"

"you learn more from the person sitting next to you, than from the person sitting at the front of the room"

"can only imagine what you've been through, I know what it is to be an outcast too."

(on the English language) "It needs to follow rules because it has so many exceptions"

"Last week I had the strangest dream, where everything was exactly how it seemed"

Well...

The ringing is back.

So... I wrote a lot of ficlets this past week. 10. This used to be pretty normal for me, but not lately. I've really missed it. But for a long time I just couldn't write. I still kind of can't. Well, not like before. The ficlets don't just come out anymore, at least not as often.

My last post. I meant what I said. That took a lot to write. More than it seems like. More than it probably should have. I don't really know what anyone thought... that might actually be a good thing. (Um, no offense, really. I'm sorry.) Well, I know Camille's thoughts on it. Thank you Camille =]

So you know those ficlets I was talking about? I wrote the last 5 in the past two and a half hours. And they aren't really... ficlets. Well they are, technically, but not like normal. And neither is one other one that I wrote this past week. But I wanted to get it out.

Anyways, I just want to say this. Thanks for putting up with me.

If you don't like reading about religion... or God... or anything like that... then don't read

I'm trying to do this collage that's due tomorrow. I'm supposed to show my "faith journey" through experiences in my life.

What?

I can't really think of anything. I don't remember in terms of events, or even in terms of how old I was, what grade I was in. I remember things through people. That's why I recognize so many people, who don't remember me at all. I remember, people... their faces... their personality... not events.

So I find myself just wanting to put all of these people who I guess have "influenced my faith journey." (Not my own words... that's the assignment) instead of events. Because I can't think of any.

So I did something that I don't normally do. I let my mom help me. She told me about this time when I was in kindergarten. Now, I don't remember this. At all. But apparently I came up to her and asked her when I was going to start "learning about God"

She enrolled me in Religious Ed at the church we [sometimes] went to the next year. (The one we still go to, the Catholic one.)

We were talking about this. She kept wondering out loud, "What influenced you to say that, to wonder about things like that?" Because we didn't go to church often, and the school I went to at the time definitely didn't push religion. It was "progressive" to use my mom's word. I love that school so much.

I realized something though. I realized that that kindergarten kid is a lot like me today.

She was curious. She had heard some things I guess, and she wanted to know what the truth was. Like me today. I've heard different opinions about religion. I've heard Catholics' point of view, since my parents are Catholic so we go to a Catholic church. I've definitely heard Christians' point of view. At PCS, for the 5 years I went there. And I've also heard a lot of Atheists' and Agnostic's point of view on the nerdfighter ning. Not like hater comments and stuff, but real, actual debates. Most of the time I've watched, not really participating.

So sometimes I don't really know what to think.

Yes I believe in God. I definitely believe in God. And Jesus, and about Him dying to save us. But, I don't want to have to choose between something like being Catholic, and being Christian. I almost just want to be "spiritual" without being "religious". (which is something we've been talking about in religion class.) I mean, I understand the split and everything, but I just really don't want to choose things like which denomination and things like that. And I don't really know much about it. All I know is that I want to have a relationship with God. And everything about the Catholic Church, and the Christian Church is kind of confusing me. And distracting me from what is important.

And now I've gone off on a rant, when I really need to be doing my collage. I just had to get something out. *feeble smile*

Religion... Whining... Unrealistic Expectations (on my part)

Ok so when school first started, I loved my religion class. I loved it sooooo much. I was so excited for the discussions every day, the collage project we're doing (which is due on Thursday... crap), and EVEN sometimes doing the assigned reading. I participated in the discussions everyday even though it was hard for me... I actually raised my hand.

But now... it's kind of deflated. I'm not really sure why. But now during discussions I just listen with my head down, doodling. (My agenda and binders look cool from it too) But I don't... try extra hard anymore. For a couple of days I tried harder than I usually do in classes. Now I'm turning back into the old me... the one who just does enough to get by.

And I'm not sure why. I try a couple of times to form an opinion and raise my hand... but then I get frustrated. Get frustrated because I can't come up with anything original to say. And so I stop trying so hard. And doodle.

Where did the ethusiasm go? My love of the class? It was like I was proud of having a cupcake and then someone else comes in with a huge layered cake, and it makes my tiny cupcake look like crap.

And I heard some things about the teacher that kind of... made me lose a little respect, I guess. That's a horrible thing to say. He's still awesome, just... I don't know

Maybe I realized he's human. He's not some amazing genius, he's a regular person. His class won't always be amazing and completely out of the ordinary.

And it doesn't have to be. I think I was just looking for something to look forward to at that school.

Maybe tomorrow... maybe tomorrow I'll participate a little bit more. Maybe I'll get back into it.

I just have to get enough sleep tonight...

Sometimes

I'm not perfect ok? God, I'm so far from it. Sometimes people make mistakes, forget things. Sometimes they do it over and over, in a row. Sometimes it may fucking infuriate you. Sometimes you may wonder how the hell I may have made a mistake, or the same mistake, over and over and over. Sometimes you don't understand. And you're not going to. I'm not gonna try to get it into your head, when I know you're not going to listen.

Sometimes there is more than one side to the story, more than your own side. Sometimes they are both right. So how come I never get a say? How come the only one that is allowed to be told is yours? How come I always have to stand there sucking it up?

Sometimes there are no answers.

oh darn...

Maybe I don't belong anywhere. Maybe I wasn't meant for that. Maybe I was meant to just watch everyone else belong, from the outside. Maybe I'm supposed to know all of the facts, but never be a part of it. Maybe I'm supposed to know about life... but not experience it for myself. Maybe I'm not supposed to be known. Maybe I'm the one pulling the curtain, controlling the lights. Maybe I did what Mrs. Farrar-Perkins hoped we wouldn't. Maybe I peaked in junior high.

I'm too picky. Whenever I'm with the two people I talk to at school, I just sit there wishing I was with you guys while they talk about the Jonas Brothers and a bunch of actors and movies I've never heard of. I'm closing myself away from anyone else, because they're not you guys. Why? Why do I act like they're not good enough or something? It's horrible. Damn. When I write it out like that, it's even more horrible. See? Can't you guys see it? The selfishness? No matter how much I say it... people refuse to believe me.

What do you think of me?

I... somehow people come up with ideas about other people very quickly. (yah... I know that was like, a "duh" statement) But... I don't even know what to think about myself anymore. What made we interesting was... you guys. Without you, at dance... at school... I feel empty.

You guys hold me up, and you're so amazing that you don't even realize it. You guys keep me from thinking my life is worthless. You guys keep me from completely falling apart. Well, falling apart more than I do.

How do you make friends? I've been wondering... my whole life. I'm just... so bad at it. Whenever I've had friends, it's because they've started talking to me. Seriously, for most of my elementary career (hehe... career) I played by myself, walked around the playground over and over and over, and my imaginary friends' lives were WAY too planned out. Seriously, I made up a whole new imaginary world. With bad guys that we had to defeat and everything.

There were a few good friends over the years... but they usually left me after a while. Except for you guys, you guys are... so amazing.