The Way the Night Works

I explained how the night works to Amy at lunch today.

See, there's that period where you get tired. It's different for different people, but for me it's usually around 11:30. For people who go to bed earlier, it's earlier for them. That's when people generally go to sleep, or are supposed to. During the tired time period.

But then, after a certain point, you're not tired anymore. Or at least I'm not. You get sleepier and sleepier, but then as you kind of get used to not being asleep... you just stop being tired. And you're almost wide awake. It's so weird. For me, this time varies. Sometimes it's around 1, sometimes later. Today it's early, right now it's like 12:20. Actually, I never got tired today... maybe it's because of the caffeine. I'll probably crash sometime soon tonight. ANYWAYS.

And then after that period... if you stay up really late... you get to the surreal period. (anyone who's pulled an all-nighter or almost-all-nighter knows what this is like I think). I think this normally happens around 4, maybe a little earlier (or later...). It's where nothing feels real anymore. Like you look around and you're like... what am I doing? But then you just keep doing it because... well. Just because. For different reasons. Really, I mean, let's say you're doing homework. The restrictions or guidelines for whatever your doing start to become like... blurred. You allow more to go into your paper or project... and it either ends up improved or not making sense. If you're reading... your whole world kind of becomes the world of your book because the world your in is asleep... so much so that when you look up from your book you're a little dizzy.

See... you kind of just go from being normal (tired because it's night) to not so normal (not tired in the middle of the night) to kind of insane (making stuff up in your head)

So. That's the way the night works.

you should beware... half of what I say is usually me making up stuff and improvising in my rambling. it's all true and relevant to me... but may have no truth or validity in your life.

"Volcanic Vehemence"

"I know no medium: I never in my life have known any medium in my dealings with positive submission and determined revolt. I have always faithfully observed the one, up to the very moment of bursting, sometimes with volcanic vehemence, into the other; and as neither present circumstances warranted, nor my present mood inclined me to mutiny"
-Jane Eyre

man, that's like, my LIFE right there

It's... Something

I mean, maybe it's just me. Maybe I just can't stay in one spot for too long, maybe I just can't stick permanently.

Because it's the same feeling I've always gotten. The gut feeling. The sinking feeling. I got it there... I get it here too.

Maybe I'm meant to just be flakey and inconsistent, maybe that's how I am. Everything about me. Everything, to what I say... to what I think... to what mood I'm in even. It's that roller coaster all over again. Never ending. Always going.

I'm always going 100 miles an hour, never stopping to breath. And then freezing. Fucking freezing. And sinking. And then going and going and going and running and being on top of the world and never... I don't know. Never being in the middle.

I'm kind of a mess.
But when I stop to think about it... it's how I've always been. 2nd grade. 3rd grade. 4th grade. 5th grade. 6th grade. 7th grade. 8th grade. and... 9th grade. every year, every time... I'm looking back at everything and just... feeling that same sinking feeling. Knowing something is wrong... but not knowing what.

Never knowing what.

"the secrets of the worlds"

It's weird, I first read Jane Eyre in 6th grade. I remember it clearly, I read the majority of the book in a condo in Las Vegas in the first week after the new year. We had driven there, my sister, my mom, and I, with my sister's friend and her mom on january 1, 2006. holy crap. 2006. I think I just realized... that really was a while ago. wow.

Anyways. There were a couple different reasons we all went there, I'm not going to go into those right now. But we know someone who owns a condo there, so that's where we stayed. And I just remember reading Jane Eyre whenever I got the chance, reading on the balcony, reading on the blow-up mattress, reading on the couch, on the carpet, at the table. It's like... ugh, so hard to explain the feeling. Like, remembering a place. I don't just remember the place, to remember it is to remember Jane Eyre, Casting Crowns, old mini ipods, that green roxy hat, the blue men, the blue men kiss on my cheek, sophia and victoria, the animals in the hotel, sudoku, the hospital, that tv (oh goodness), the blue and pink bathroom towels, that huge mirror, the bird's nest, the balcony, that car, making scrambled eggs, the card table... just. the whole thing. the whole trip for me, just kind of meshes into this whole blur of different... things. You know what I mean?

(haha... no, camille... I dont... you make no sense. we've never been there, camille)

Anyways. this post wasn't even supposed to be about that. It was supposed to be about Jane Eyre.

Ok, the point is, I had to read Jane Eyre over again for school this year. And... it's a completely different book for me. Like, the second time I read it... it just seemed completely different. I've reread books before, and they've changed for me in the past, but not to this extent. I guess the first time I read the book I didn't really understand all of it because of how it's written, but it's more than that. It's just... not the same book. It is, but it means different things now. And it doesn't really have anything to do with analyzing it in class.

I do remember some parts though. There are two spots in particular... that I remember, crystal clear. Like, not just remembering the scene, but remembering where I was, what I was thinking, while reading it. It was pretty insane. I mean, obviously usually when I read books I remember where I was reading it before, but it was different because I actually already knew what was going to happen in the book. This time, I really didn't remember a lot.

It just... brought me back to laying on that blow-up mattress, that barely fit in the space between the front of the bed and the drawers, reading late at night, after everyone else was alseep, and me trying to stay up and reading this- at the time kind of creepy- part of the book. It's a feeling I'm very familiar with, rereading books a lot and all... but I don't know. It was different this time.

I can't really explain it very well, sorry you had to read this atrocity of me failing to describe something that was pretty stupid in the first place. I kind of realize that there's really no way for someone to completely understand a feeling like that that's in someone else's head. Like, you could have something similar, but then again you can't really be sure that it's the same thing. And you don't have to be. That's kind of the beauty of each of our thoughts being our own in the first place.

You know?
just kidding.
Wait what?
haha... sorry.



On a completely different note... spell check is AMAZING =D

"crashing by desire"

Current Obsessions

Ballet Dancer- The Twins

Accidents Will Happen- Elvis Costello and the Attractions

The Equestrian Statue- Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band

Beard Lust- Natalie Portman's Shaved Head

Mr. Tambourine Man- The Byrds

Jane Eyre

soda in cans

cookie dough

extravagant doodles

bright colors

purple

high-tops

wildly-straight hair

~~~~*~~~~*~~~~*~~~~*~~~~

I'm coming to realize that I just don't have much to say.

Not much to say at all.

I'd much rather show you.

It's a feeling. A feeling of the sun coming back. Of walking with your ipod on, an inner bouncing, an inner laugh, an inner smile. of feeling a little bit too cool because of the shoes you're wearing. of uniform skirts, uniquely worn. of cement-on-converse-shoes. of psychedelic pictures and colors and sounds in your head from the music you hear. of bright, bright colors. bright... bright but soft. soft edges, soft and smooth swirls of pen. of making something pretty out of something ordinary. of having your own color code- making the petals of the flowers green and the stems pink. of making the grass blue, the water green and the sun purple. of chipped purple nail polish. of drinking from soda cans and feeling a bit too cool doing it. of bare-feet and late night studying. of the stillness of the house after everyone else is asleep. of sunglasses. of new ballet shoes replacing old beat-up ones. of the smell of... the smell of summer. of laughing in the midst of the end-of-school-year madness. of being stressed during the day... and carefree at night. of smileys and talks with mom and jokes with dad. of not taking things too seriously. it's a feeling. The oddest feeling. I can't tell you. I might just be able to show you. But probably not =D

It's livng. It's finding your own way. I'm not you, you're not me. Let's not pretend to be. Let's just... let's just be free.

*all pictures are mine- taken by me, edited by me* ... just to let y'all know