Becuase I apparently like offending people and being difficult...

My parents are Catholic. My aunts and uncles for the most part are either Catholic or Christian. I go to a Catholic school. I used to go to a Christian school. I go to a Catholic church. Most of the people in my life, are Christian.

Basically all of my life, I've been told about God. Not just any god, a certain kind. The Christian God. I was brought up to believe in this Christian God.

But... here's the thing. Here is, what I think. I think that what someone believes in is more personal than a religion and generalizing it to make it fit into a religion just doesn't really work.

I mean, it may work for some. Some people I'm sure can be stronger than this. Maybe I'm just not being strong, maybe I'm giving up. If that's the case, I'm not doing anything to stop it now.

Ok... this isn't working. We have to start at the beginning, the beginning for me. The beginning is 4th grade. 4th grade is when I started going to a Christian school. There is where I was "saved," if you believe in that. I believed it at the time. Right there, in Mrs. Gower's class. Yeah, Mrs. Gower. I know some people hate her.

And in 4th grade, is where I also decided I didn't want to be Catholic anymore. Maybe it was the reason I fooled myself into believing: that I never really became religious at all until I went to a Christian school, so I wanted to only be Christian, not Catholic too. But... maybe it was because my friends weren't. Maybe it was because of what we had learned about the original split. Maybe it was because of the stupid accusations I always heard coming from a certain little 4th grader in my class named Josh. Maybe... maybe I didn't want to be the stereotype everyone in my class seemed to believe at the time, even though I knew it wasn't true.

Yeah, that's right, the little 4th grader me bent to that kind of stuff. Oh well.

Thing is, as I got older, I never went back. In 8th grade, I just got sick of people asking me all of the time, so I gave everyone different answers. Yeah, so if you talked about my religion with me in 8th grade, chances are I lied to you at some point. Sorry.

Now in 9th grade, things are kind of changing. Really, a bunch of things are happening at once. A whole load of different information and opinions were kind of presented to me throughout the last semester... which is just the kind of thing I love. But it's also a little disconcerting.

On the one hand, my view had already started changing, to what I said at the beginning of this post. But on the other hand, I've kind of started to really appreciate Catholicism sooo much more. Like, I've learned more about it, in and outside of school.

But mostly... I've met some really amazing people. Really just... amazing, awesome, and yes, Catholic, people. It's like... there are two different forces pulling me in different directions. Like, if all of these people are this, if they all believe in this, they can't all be wrong, right? If they are this strong... there has to be something to it. Something substantial.

But on the other hand... something, else. I don't know. Just, something. Maybe it's some other people I know, or know about. Or maybe it's just some things I've gone through over and over in my head that just... make a whole lot more sense. Maybe it's that stubborn person in me who has always despised, to the point of ridiculousness, being like other people. Maybe it's the wrong choice. But it's the choice I... I'm close to making.

Thing is... there are all of these things that my mind puts into trying to decide... this. Whatever this is. I'm not sure what I'm deciding here.

I think what I need to do is take away all of the other factors. But when I do... it's like I have nothing left. Just... nothing. I'm trying to figure out who this "I" person is, what this "I" person should do... and "I" have a big, fat question mark. I just come back to... images. Of people, of places, of everything that is... that has made me. If that makes sense.

Like one thing people typically ask when trying to "help" someone like me is "well, what do you actually believe? What do you think?" But... I don't know. That's what I'm trying to say. I have no idea, no clue. I draw from other people... other things... but that doesn't work. I just... have. no. clue.

I think...

I think I don't want a name. I don't want to be in a group. Whether it be Catholic, Christian, Atheist, Agnostic, Jewish, Buddhist, Hindu... or anything else. I'm not saying I'm rejecting all belief, I'm not saying I'm objecting to religion... I'm saying... I don't know what I'm saying.

But I'm not rejecting anything right now.

That's all I had to say on the subject.

I have one other dilemma though:
Ok, so I kind of have a list in my head of things and people I'd like to "pray" for. Like, how I used to when I was sure about things. I used to just sit and close my eyes and just... talk in my head to God.

Now, I feel guilty doing that. Like, I don't know what I believe, honestly. So I feel guilty, like I'm only asking something from a ghost.
I don't get how to explain it. Like I want to "pray"... but I don't know how anymore.

I mean... what do you do when you can't even figure out what you believe?

Obligation

I kind of want out.

I kind of don't want to be tied down anymore.

I'm tired of having to say the right thing. I'm tired of having to not say things. I'm tired of having to make sure I do nothing that might even hint at something directed towards you.

I'm scared of saying this, and think that you might think this is about you.

It's not about a person. It's about an idea. It's about something that I somehow am attached to that, I want to be free from.

I have an obligation towards you. To tell you everything I say, everything I do. To make sure that you're all updated on everything.

I have an obligation towards you. To make you feel welcomed. To make you feel important, special. Like you matter. To make sure you don't get hurt. To lie to you so that you feel ok.

I have an obligation towards you. To clean up after you, before people notice. To make sure you are all pretty and polished and ready for the world.

I have many obligations to things and people and just... you. You big ugly monster. Responsibility.

I... want to cut the ties. I want to break... away. I want out.

There is this song by The Monkees called "I Wanna be Free." One time when I was [considerably] younger, I was listening to it in the car with my dad, and he said, "wow, he's being kind of selfish. Kind of whiny." It's true. He is. And I'm being just like him, him in the song. Different situations, but same feeling.

It's true.

I just... want out. Out of all of these invisible obligations.

Stubborn Little Me

One time, probably in (my second year of) 1st grade, I was over at Rebecca's house. Well, I was over her house a lot. Like, a lot a lot. We had this game, called the Indian and the Pilgrim. And also the Pharaoh game. But... that's besides the point. This is about one particular time.

Anyways. This one time I was at her house, I was a little frustrated with all of the screaming going on, I guess. You guys... it's hard to explain Rebecca's California house through the eyes of 1st grade-year-old me. But, yeah. So. What did I do? I decided to stop talking. Period.

I don't know if any of you guys have done that before... but it's really fun. I mean, it's horribly frustrating to the other person, but if you're the one not talking at all, it's really really fun. As mean as it sounds (and is) it's funny to watch them get frustrated. Especially when they tell you you're going to crack and say something. And then watch them be wrong. It's just... really really fun.

So anyways. Back to the story. Geez, I'm almost as bad at this as Sara is. =D

Yeah. I stopped talking. Rebecca and Gaby were like "camille, you're going to have to say something." "camille, you can't stay quiet forever." "camille, you shouldn't keep things bottled up inside."

I finally spoke. But because I decided to, not because they were driving me crazy. Because they weren't. I hate doing things that will umm... prove people right. I hate doing what people want me to do. This has gotten me in a lot of trouble with my parents over the years.

See, that's kind of a weakness for me. If certain people... tell me to do something that I was already going to do... I will most likely not do it. Even though I was going to. I don't know. It's kind of... not a good trait.

I mean, I'm not just saying this. This isn't me trying to like, "define myself" or crap like that. This is me... the same me I was in 1st grade. Like, ok example.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Kelly and I were at mom's work, and I was reading it, because it had just come out. Kelly had been asking me and asking me to play with her. I was going to, after I finished the chapter. I didn't tell her that though. I had like half a page left. Then she said "ok, after you finish the chapter." And of course, impossible me hated that. Impossible me did not want to do what she wanted me to do.

See, it's little things like that. Little silly things.
But like... things aren't always little like that. Like, being more reasonable would probably be a good idea.

Yeah. That's all I had to say.

Just... don't

I think I'm a little bit tired of this.

Everything... having to mean something else. Everything said... is remembered. Everything said... is turned over and over in someone's mind. Everything done... is scrutinized until you make it mean something that it was never meant to be.

Because... at a certain point, nothing is much more than it... is. Stop trying to find a hidden meaning. Because you will always find one. Which more often than not is just a figment of your imagination. You grossly misunderstand me by thinking I am saying something else that I'm not saying.

I want to be able to say something and not have it mean something else to you. When it fucking doesn't.

So... just... don't.

god. please?

I can ask all I want. But you do it without realizing it.
It's just so fucking annoying.

I hate that when I stopped feeding you things so that you could make it mean something, when I just started being, I can see what it's doing. I can see that I was wrong. I can see that I will always have to think... think about what you will think before I say anything.

Because... I just end up not saying it at all.

god, just let me be. Will you?

No.

And, god. Don't assume you know what I'm talking about.

Proud Mary

Let's talk about Mary.

No, not that Mary.
Not even that Mary.

No, the Mary in Pride and Prejudice.

Proud Mary. Proud, proud Mary. Reminds me of the song, Proud Mary.

She...
she is one of those people.
One of those people who... I don't know. Has a picture in their mind of what they think they are. And then they try to fit in to being that person. Instead of just... being. They go backwards. Instead of being and going from there, they try to fit into something they created. They be that person, that they want to be.

Well. Maybe I'm getting off topic. I haven't even read most of the book. I'm like, 10 chapters behind the rest of the class. I don't know if Jane Austen thought that about Mary. But, from what other people in the class said about her, and from what I've read, it seems like she's like that, to me.

Because... I know that kind of person. I definitely know that kind of person. I wrote a ficlet about it. (http://ficlets.com/stories/48914#review-107919 if you're interested)

I used to be like that, in a way. I guess. Just.
I don't know.
I know that when a person is like that, they can't really tell. They're usually... confused. Trying to figure out "who they are." Trying to "be themself." They feel like they're failing.

And you know why?
Because they're trying too hard.
Just stop.

Stop trying. Ok?
It sounds really stupid. And hard. Because yeah, it's really hard to stop trying. Stop trying to fit into that person you were trying to be, the person you decided to be, instead of doing it the other way around.

Just...
I don't know.
I feel like Mary is like that.
And I think some people in my class were being kind of harsh about her. I don't think they realized how hard she was trying. Because she's always going into these little sermon things in the book. Like, preaching a little. Trying to sound smart... philosophical. They ridiculed her about that a little. That's when I realized... in class... that she was a lot like me. That she was this kind of person, the kind I described. I think.

I mean, I don't like start preaching all of the time, like her.

But like... ok. This wasn't said in class, what I'm saying. Because I don't talk in class. That's probably partly why I got a B minus. Anyways. One thing my teacher said: "Mary is one of those people who has the curse of knowing what smart is, but isn't smart."

I turned that over in my head. Several times. I think... I'm like that too. Like, I know what I'd like to be. I know the things I should do, the people I should talk to, the things I should like... to be that person. But, I'm just not. I'm almost that person. But I'm a little different too, I think. And I know that because I'd have to try really hard if I were to be exactly that person. And that, that took me a long time to realize.

I could be wrong, but I think I know some other people like that. Like Mary. Like... me.

I don't... I don't know what I should say now.
I guess that's because that's all I had say.

Proud Mary. Proud, proud Mary.

Don't Wait

You know? I don't believe I'll ever be fully ok. Like, how some people believe... once I'm done with this... once I'm done with that... then I'll be fine.

I don't believe that.
At least, I don't believe that for me.

And I'm kind of starting to be ok with that.

I think... I don't know.
The thought is like... just out of grasp.
Maybe... if everything is real quiet... just give me a second... ok.

Ok.
So.

Here is the thing.
I'll never be done.

You know, the day you've been hoping for... where you'll be completely fine, you'll know exactly who you are, you'll be self-actualized?
That's never going to happen to me. Don't tell me it is. If I know one thing about myself- it's that.
Because I'd never be satisfied. Of course.

I'll never be done.
Because if I was... I'd be done doing something we all know no one is ever done with... and that's changing.

Of course.

So- I just have one more thing to say.
Please, please, don't wait around for that moment. Even if you're not like me- even if someday you think you will be perfectly fine- don't wait for that. Don't wait.

I'm probably not in any position to be giving advice, but that's never stopped me before.
Actually, it has.
But it's not now.

Sooo yeah-
I'm not waiting.
And even if you're not like me,
I don't think you should wait either.

Come on, let's be non-waiters together.
Let's go on adventures, let's take risks, let's be imperfect together.
Let's love it.
Let's actually have fun not waiting.
Let's live.

You wanna come?