Proud Mary

Let's talk about Mary.

No, not that Mary.
Not even that Mary.

No, the Mary in Pride and Prejudice.

Proud Mary. Proud, proud Mary. Reminds me of the song, Proud Mary.

She...
she is one of those people.
One of those people who... I don't know. Has a picture in their mind of what they think they are. And then they try to fit in to being that person. Instead of just... being. They go backwards. Instead of being and going from there, they try to fit into something they created. They be that person, that they want to be.

Well. Maybe I'm getting off topic. I haven't even read most of the book. I'm like, 10 chapters behind the rest of the class. I don't know if Jane Austen thought that about Mary. But, from what other people in the class said about her, and from what I've read, it seems like she's like that, to me.

Because... I know that kind of person. I definitely know that kind of person. I wrote a ficlet about it. (http://ficlets.com/stories/48914#review-107919 if you're interested)

I used to be like that, in a way. I guess. Just.
I don't know.
I know that when a person is like that, they can't really tell. They're usually... confused. Trying to figure out "who they are." Trying to "be themself." They feel like they're failing.

And you know why?
Because they're trying too hard.
Just stop.

Stop trying. Ok?
It sounds really stupid. And hard. Because yeah, it's really hard to stop trying. Stop trying to fit into that person you were trying to be, the person you decided to be, instead of doing it the other way around.

Just...
I don't know.
I feel like Mary is like that.
And I think some people in my class were being kind of harsh about her. I don't think they realized how hard she was trying. Because she's always going into these little sermon things in the book. Like, preaching a little. Trying to sound smart... philosophical. They ridiculed her about that a little. That's when I realized... in class... that she was a lot like me. That she was this kind of person, the kind I described. I think.

I mean, I don't like start preaching all of the time, like her.

But like... ok. This wasn't said in class, what I'm saying. Because I don't talk in class. That's probably partly why I got a B minus. Anyways. One thing my teacher said: "Mary is one of those people who has the curse of knowing what smart is, but isn't smart."

I turned that over in my head. Several times. I think... I'm like that too. Like, I know what I'd like to be. I know the things I should do, the people I should talk to, the things I should like... to be that person. But, I'm just not. I'm almost that person. But I'm a little different too, I think. And I know that because I'd have to try really hard if I were to be exactly that person. And that, that took me a long time to realize.

I could be wrong, but I think I know some other people like that. Like Mary. Like... me.

I don't... I don't know what I should say now.
I guess that's because that's all I had say.

Proud Mary. Proud, proud Mary.