Becuase I apparently like offending people and being difficult...

My parents are Catholic. My aunts and uncles for the most part are either Catholic or Christian. I go to a Catholic school. I used to go to a Christian school. I go to a Catholic church. Most of the people in my life, are Christian.

Basically all of my life, I've been told about God. Not just any god, a certain kind. The Christian God. I was brought up to believe in this Christian God.

But... here's the thing. Here is, what I think. I think that what someone believes in is more personal than a religion and generalizing it to make it fit into a religion just doesn't really work.

I mean, it may work for some. Some people I'm sure can be stronger than this. Maybe I'm just not being strong, maybe I'm giving up. If that's the case, I'm not doing anything to stop it now.

Ok... this isn't working. We have to start at the beginning, the beginning for me. The beginning is 4th grade. 4th grade is when I started going to a Christian school. There is where I was "saved," if you believe in that. I believed it at the time. Right there, in Mrs. Gower's class. Yeah, Mrs. Gower. I know some people hate her.

And in 4th grade, is where I also decided I didn't want to be Catholic anymore. Maybe it was the reason I fooled myself into believing: that I never really became religious at all until I went to a Christian school, so I wanted to only be Christian, not Catholic too. But... maybe it was because my friends weren't. Maybe it was because of what we had learned about the original split. Maybe it was because of the stupid accusations I always heard coming from a certain little 4th grader in my class named Josh. Maybe... maybe I didn't want to be the stereotype everyone in my class seemed to believe at the time, even though I knew it wasn't true.

Yeah, that's right, the little 4th grader me bent to that kind of stuff. Oh well.

Thing is, as I got older, I never went back. In 8th grade, I just got sick of people asking me all of the time, so I gave everyone different answers. Yeah, so if you talked about my religion with me in 8th grade, chances are I lied to you at some point. Sorry.

Now in 9th grade, things are kind of changing. Really, a bunch of things are happening at once. A whole load of different information and opinions were kind of presented to me throughout the last semester... which is just the kind of thing I love. But it's also a little disconcerting.

On the one hand, my view had already started changing, to what I said at the beginning of this post. But on the other hand, I've kind of started to really appreciate Catholicism sooo much more. Like, I've learned more about it, in and outside of school.

But mostly... I've met some really amazing people. Really just... amazing, awesome, and yes, Catholic, people. It's like... there are two different forces pulling me in different directions. Like, if all of these people are this, if they all believe in this, they can't all be wrong, right? If they are this strong... there has to be something to it. Something substantial.

But on the other hand... something, else. I don't know. Just, something. Maybe it's some other people I know, or know about. Or maybe it's just some things I've gone through over and over in my head that just... make a whole lot more sense. Maybe it's that stubborn person in me who has always despised, to the point of ridiculousness, being like other people. Maybe it's the wrong choice. But it's the choice I... I'm close to making.

Thing is... there are all of these things that my mind puts into trying to decide... this. Whatever this is. I'm not sure what I'm deciding here.

I think what I need to do is take away all of the other factors. But when I do... it's like I have nothing left. Just... nothing. I'm trying to figure out who this "I" person is, what this "I" person should do... and "I" have a big, fat question mark. I just come back to... images. Of people, of places, of everything that is... that has made me. If that makes sense.

Like one thing people typically ask when trying to "help" someone like me is "well, what do you actually believe? What do you think?" But... I don't know. That's what I'm trying to say. I have no idea, no clue. I draw from other people... other things... but that doesn't work. I just... have. no. clue.

I think...

I think I don't want a name. I don't want to be in a group. Whether it be Catholic, Christian, Atheist, Agnostic, Jewish, Buddhist, Hindu... or anything else. I'm not saying I'm rejecting all belief, I'm not saying I'm objecting to religion... I'm saying... I don't know what I'm saying.

But I'm not rejecting anything right now.

That's all I had to say on the subject.

I have one other dilemma though:
Ok, so I kind of have a list in my head of things and people I'd like to "pray" for. Like, how I used to when I was sure about things. I used to just sit and close my eyes and just... talk in my head to God.

Now, I feel guilty doing that. Like, I don't know what I believe, honestly. So I feel guilty, like I'm only asking something from a ghost.
I don't get how to explain it. Like I want to "pray"... but I don't know how anymore.

I mean... what do you do when you can't even figure out what you believe?