I'm hurting and I miss you and everything is going so fast and it's scaring me and I don't have time to breath or to think and I think something is wrong with me and I can't get past this and I'm always like this and I don't think I know an inbetween between happy and sad and I'm confused all of the time and my head hurts and my legs hurt and I don't know why I can't just not be like this and I don't know what's wrong and I need things to just stop and I need things to make sense in my head for just once and everything needs to stop spinning and all I know is I MISS YOU like crazy
I miss you
Monday, October 19, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
no time to catch up, need to keep up
I'm getting lost in the music.
in the craziness of times like these.
tons of stress and no free time.
people. old friends, new faces.
lots and lots of new faces.
changes. new replacing old.
a never ending whirlwind of crazy, busy times.
no time to catch up, need to keep up.
colors and faces and places
and music.
only stopping when you hear the music.
and the the happiness you give me,
making me stop and feel,
making me stop and listen
to the music.
I'm getting lost in it
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but I like it there
in the craziness of times like these.
tons of stress and no free time.
people. old friends, new faces.
lots and lots of new faces.
changes. new replacing old.
a never ending whirlwind of crazy, busy times.
no time to catch up, need to keep up.
colors and faces and places
and music.
only stopping when you hear the music.
and the the happiness you give me,
making me stop and feel,
making me stop and listen
to the music.
I'm getting lost in it
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but I like it there
Monday, July 27, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
The Way the Night Works
I explained how the night works to Amy at lunch today.
See, there's that period where you get tired. It's different for different people, but for me it's usually around 11:30. For people who go to bed earlier, it's earlier for them. That's when people generally go to sleep, or are supposed to. During the tired time period.
But then, after a certain point, you're not tired anymore. Or at least I'm not. You get sleepier and sleepier, but then as you kind of get used to not being asleep... you just stop being tired. And you're almost wide awake. It's so weird. For me, this time varies. Sometimes it's around 1, sometimes later. Today it's early, right now it's like 12:20. Actually, I never got tired today... maybe it's because of the caffeine. I'll probably crash sometime soon tonight. ANYWAYS.
And then after that period... if you stay up really late... you get to the surreal period. (anyone who's pulled an all-nighter or almost-all-nighter knows what this is like I think). I think this normally happens around 4, maybe a little earlier (or later...). It's where nothing feels real anymore. Like you look around and you're like... what am I doing? But then you just keep doing it because... well. Just because. For different reasons. Really, I mean, let's say you're doing homework. The restrictions or guidelines for whatever your doing start to become like... blurred. You allow more to go into your paper or project... and it either ends up improved or not making sense. If you're reading... your whole world kind of becomes the world of your book because the world your in is asleep... so much so that when you look up from your book you're a little dizzy.
See... you kind of just go from being normal (tired because it's night) to not so normal (not tired in the middle of the night) to kind of insane (making stuff up in your head)
So. That's the way the night works.
you should beware... half of what I say is usually me making up stuff and improvising in my rambling. it's all true and relevant to me... but may have no truth or validity in your life.
See, there's that period where you get tired. It's different for different people, but for me it's usually around 11:30. For people who go to bed earlier, it's earlier for them. That's when people generally go to sleep, or are supposed to. During the tired time period.
But then, after a certain point, you're not tired anymore. Or at least I'm not. You get sleepier and sleepier, but then as you kind of get used to not being asleep... you just stop being tired. And you're almost wide awake. It's so weird. For me, this time varies. Sometimes it's around 1, sometimes later. Today it's early, right now it's like 12:20. Actually, I never got tired today... maybe it's because of the caffeine. I'll probably crash sometime soon tonight. ANYWAYS.
And then after that period... if you stay up really late... you get to the surreal period. (anyone who's pulled an all-nighter or almost-all-nighter knows what this is like I think). I think this normally happens around 4, maybe a little earlier (or later...). It's where nothing feels real anymore. Like you look around and you're like... what am I doing? But then you just keep doing it because... well. Just because. For different reasons. Really, I mean, let's say you're doing homework. The restrictions or guidelines for whatever your doing start to become like... blurred. You allow more to go into your paper or project... and it either ends up improved or not making sense. If you're reading... your whole world kind of becomes the world of your book because the world your in is asleep... so much so that when you look up from your book you're a little dizzy.
See... you kind of just go from being normal (tired because it's night) to not so normal (not tired in the middle of the night) to kind of insane (making stuff up in your head)
So. That's the way the night works.
you should beware... half of what I say is usually me making up stuff and improvising in my rambling. it's all true and relevant to me... but may have no truth or validity in your life.
Friday, May 22, 2009
"Volcanic Vehemence"
"I know no medium: I never in my life have known any medium in my dealings with positive submission and determined revolt. I have always faithfully observed the one, up to the very moment of bursting, sometimes with volcanic vehemence, into the other; and as neither present circumstances warranted, nor my present mood inclined me to mutiny"
-Jane Eyre
man, that's like, my LIFE right there
-Jane Eyre
man, that's like, my LIFE right there
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
It's... Something
I mean, maybe it's just me. Maybe I just can't stay in one spot for too long, maybe I just can't stick permanently.
Because it's the same feeling I've always gotten. The gut feeling. The sinking feeling. I got it there... I get it here too.
Maybe I'm meant to just be flakey and inconsistent, maybe that's how I am. Everything about me. Everything, to what I say... to what I think... to what mood I'm in even. It's that roller coaster all over again. Never ending. Always going.
I'm always going 100 miles an hour, never stopping to breath. And then freezing. Fucking freezing. And sinking. And then going and going and going and running and being on top of the world and never... I don't know. Never being in the middle.
I'm kind of a mess.
But when I stop to think about it... it's how I've always been. 2nd grade. 3rd grade. 4th grade. 5th grade. 6th grade. 7th grade. 8th grade. and... 9th grade. every year, every time... I'm looking back at everything and just... feeling that same sinking feeling. Knowing something is wrong... but not knowing what.
Never knowing what.
Because it's the same feeling I've always gotten. The gut feeling. The sinking feeling. I got it there... I get it here too.
Maybe I'm meant to just be flakey and inconsistent, maybe that's how I am. Everything about me. Everything, to what I say... to what I think... to what mood I'm in even. It's that roller coaster all over again. Never ending. Always going.
I'm always going 100 miles an hour, never stopping to breath. And then freezing. Fucking freezing. And sinking. And then going and going and going and running and being on top of the world and never... I don't know. Never being in the middle.
I'm kind of a mess.
But when I stop to think about it... it's how I've always been. 2nd grade. 3rd grade. 4th grade. 5th grade. 6th grade. 7th grade. 8th grade. and... 9th grade. every year, every time... I'm looking back at everything and just... feeling that same sinking feeling. Knowing something is wrong... but not knowing what.
Never knowing what.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
"the secrets of the worlds"
It's weird, I first read Jane Eyre in 6th grade. I remember it clearly, I read the majority of the book in a condo in Las Vegas in the first week after the new year. We had driven there, my sister, my mom, and I, with my sister's friend and her mom on january 1, 2006. holy crap. 2006. I think I just realized... that really was a while ago. wow.
Anyways. There were a couple different reasons we all went there, I'm not going to go into those right now. But we know someone who owns a condo there, so that's where we stayed. And I just remember reading Jane Eyre whenever I got the chance, reading on the balcony, reading on the blow-up mattress, reading on the couch, on the carpet, at the table. It's like... ugh, so hard to explain the feeling. Like, remembering a place. I don't just remember the place, to remember it is to remember Jane Eyre, Casting Crowns, old mini ipods, that green roxy hat, the blue men, the blue men kiss on my cheek, sophia and victoria, the animals in the hotel, sudoku, the hospital, that tv (oh goodness), the blue and pink bathroom towels, that huge mirror, the bird's nest, the balcony, that car, making scrambled eggs, the card table... just. the whole thing. the whole trip for me, just kind of meshes into this whole blur of different... things. You know what I mean?
(haha... no, camille... I dont... you make no sense. we've never been there, camille)
Anyways. this post wasn't even supposed to be about that. It was supposed to be about Jane Eyre.
Ok, the point is, I had to read Jane Eyre over again for school this year. And... it's a completely different book for me. Like, the second time I read it... it just seemed completely different. I've reread books before, and they've changed for me in the past, but not to this extent. I guess the first time I read the book I didn't really understand all of it because of how it's written, but it's more than that. It's just... not the same book. It is, but it means different things now. And it doesn't really have anything to do with analyzing it in class.
I do remember some parts though. There are two spots in particular... that I remember, crystal clear. Like, not just remembering the scene, but remembering where I was, what I was thinking, while reading it. It was pretty insane. I mean, obviously usually when I read books I remember where I was reading it before, but it was different because I actually already knew what was going to happen in the book. This time, I really didn't remember a lot.
It just... brought me back to laying on that blow-up mattress, that barely fit in the space between the front of the bed and the drawers, reading late at night, after everyone else was alseep, and me trying to stay up and reading this- at the time kind of creepy- part of the book. It's a feeling I'm very familiar with, rereading books a lot and all... but I don't know. It was different this time.
I can't really explain it very well, sorry you had to read this atrocity of me failing to describe something that was pretty stupid in the first place. I kind of realize that there's really no way for someone to completely understand a feeling like that that's in someone else's head. Like, you could have something similar, but then again you can't really be sure that it's the same thing. And you don't have to be. That's kind of the beauty of each of our thoughts being our own in the first place.
You know?
just kidding.
Wait what?
haha... sorry.
On a completely different note... spell check is AMAZING =D
Anyways. There were a couple different reasons we all went there, I'm not going to go into those right now. But we know someone who owns a condo there, so that's where we stayed. And I just remember reading Jane Eyre whenever I got the chance, reading on the balcony, reading on the blow-up mattress, reading on the couch, on the carpet, at the table. It's like... ugh, so hard to explain the feeling. Like, remembering a place. I don't just remember the place, to remember it is to remember Jane Eyre, Casting Crowns, old mini ipods, that green roxy hat, the blue men, the blue men kiss on my cheek, sophia and victoria, the animals in the hotel, sudoku, the hospital, that tv (oh goodness), the blue and pink bathroom towels, that huge mirror, the bird's nest, the balcony, that car, making scrambled eggs, the card table... just. the whole thing. the whole trip for me, just kind of meshes into this whole blur of different... things. You know what I mean?
(haha... no, camille... I dont... you make no sense. we've never been there, camille)
Anyways. this post wasn't even supposed to be about that. It was supposed to be about Jane Eyre.
Ok, the point is, I had to read Jane Eyre over again for school this year. And... it's a completely different book for me. Like, the second time I read it... it just seemed completely different. I've reread books before, and they've changed for me in the past, but not to this extent. I guess the first time I read the book I didn't really understand all of it because of how it's written, but it's more than that. It's just... not the same book. It is, but it means different things now. And it doesn't really have anything to do with analyzing it in class.
I do remember some parts though. There are two spots in particular... that I remember, crystal clear. Like, not just remembering the scene, but remembering where I was, what I was thinking, while reading it. It was pretty insane. I mean, obviously usually when I read books I remember where I was reading it before, but it was different because I actually already knew what was going to happen in the book. This time, I really didn't remember a lot.
It just... brought me back to laying on that blow-up mattress, that barely fit in the space between the front of the bed and the drawers, reading late at night, after everyone else was alseep, and me trying to stay up and reading this- at the time kind of creepy- part of the book. It's a feeling I'm very familiar with, rereading books a lot and all... but I don't know. It was different this time.
I can't really explain it very well, sorry you had to read this atrocity of me failing to describe something that was pretty stupid in the first place. I kind of realize that there's really no way for someone to completely understand a feeling like that that's in someone else's head. Like, you could have something similar, but then again you can't really be sure that it's the same thing. And you don't have to be. That's kind of the beauty of each of our thoughts being our own in the first place.
You know?
just kidding.
Wait what?
haha... sorry.
On a completely different note... spell check is AMAZING =D
Friday, May 8, 2009
"crashing by desire"
Current Obsessions .jpg)
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It's a feeling. A feeling of the sun coming back. Of walking with your ipod on, an inner bouncing, an inner laugh, an inner smile. of feeling a little bit too cool because of the shoes you're wearing. of uniform skirts, uniquely worn. of cement-on-converse-shoes. of psychedelic pictures and colors and sounds in your head from the music you hear. of bright, bright colors. bright... bright but soft. soft edges, soft and smooth swirls of pen. of making something pretty out of something ordinary. of having your own color code- making the petals of the flowers green and the stems pink. of making the grass blue, the water green and the sun purple. of chipped purple nail polish. of drinking from soda cans and feeling a bit too cool doing it. of bare-feet and late night studying. of the stillness of the house after everyone else is asleep. of sunglasses. of new ballet shoes replacing old beat-up ones. of the smell of... the smell of summer. of laughing in the midst of the end-of-school-year madness. of being stressed during the day... and carefree at night. of smileys and talks with mom and jokes with dad. of not taking things too seriously. it's a feeling. The oddest feeling. I can't tell you. I might just be able to show you. But probably not =D
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Ballet Dancer- The Twins
Accidents Will Happen- Elvis Costello and the Attractions
The Equestrian Statue- Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band
Beard Lust- Natalie Portman's Shaved Head
Mr. Tambourine Man- The Byrds
Jane Eyre
soda in cans
cookie dough
extravagant doodles
bright colors
purple
high-tops
wildly-straight hair
~~~~*~~~~*~~~~*~~~~*~~~~
I'm coming to realize that I just don't have much to say.
Not much to say at all.
I'd much rather show you.
It's a feeling. A feeling of the sun coming back. Of walking with your ipod on, an inner bouncing, an inner laugh, an inner smile. of feeling a little bit too cool because of the shoes you're wearing. of uniform skirts, uniquely worn. of cement-on-converse-shoes. of psychedelic pictures and colors and sounds in your head from the music you hear. of bright, bright colors. bright... bright but soft. soft edges, soft and smooth swirls of pen. of making something pretty out of something ordinary. of having your own color code- making the petals of the flowers green and the stems pink. of making the grass blue, the water green and the sun purple. of chipped purple nail polish. of drinking from soda cans and feeling a bit too cool doing it. of bare-feet and late night studying. of the stillness of the house after everyone else is asleep. of sunglasses. of new ballet shoes replacing old beat-up ones. of the smell of... the smell of summer. of laughing in the midst of the end-of-school-year madness. of being stressed during the day... and carefree at night. of smileys and talks with mom and jokes with dad. of not taking things too seriously. it's a feeling. The oddest feeling. I can't tell you. I might just be able to show you. But probably not =D
It's livng. It's finding your own way. I'm not you, you're not me. Let's not pretend to be. Let's just... let's just be free.
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*all pictures are mine- taken by me, edited by me* ... just to let y'all know
Thursday, April 30, 2009
BEDA 21: Epic Spontanious Shakespearian Harry Potter Stories
I haven't done a post in a week. I'm not sure if we classify that as me just missing a LOT of days... or me just giving up.
oh well. either way... it's a FAIL.
But anyways... it's the last day! Last April post! or... last day feeling guilty for not posting! Except I'm not going to feel guilty about that today, since I'm actually posting =D
Today is Thursday, I get out of school early. I'm not sure why. And I don't have school tomorrow, I just have this mother-daughter thing to go to at my school. So that's pretty awesome.
These past two weeks back from break have been crazy. And busy. The dance concert went really well, by the way. Everyone pretty much loved our dance =D. It's really different from the rest of the dances in the concert. I'm not quite sure how that happened. Now my next show is in June, which is with the company and studio I'm with. I'm excited for that =]
On Tuesday, my friends and I had a potluck at lunch. We did it on Tuesday because that's my video day for 7awesomehorcruxes. But... alas... I forgot my camera. fail. But it was really fun. We're going to have one next week I think too. And they toasted to me! It was awesome =D
Yesterday, Wednesday, was pretty awesome too. There was a theater club meeting, where they were having a "talentless show". Only for theater club (theater club is HUGE at my school). Now, I'm not in theater club. The only one in our little group of friends that IS in theater club is my friend Nora. But she wanted to do something, so she got us to do it with her. Well actually she got Cathy to do it with her, and then I decided I wanted to do it with them, and then Cathy and I kind of put two other friends in it too (this was all that yesterday before lunch). Soo at the talentless show, people were doing the kinds of things you would expect, little skits, little one-person act things, little dances, even one person being Fred. She was pretty awesome too.
And then... we go up. It starts off with Cathy and Nora being Romeo and Juliet at the balcony scene, and then they somehow start singing The Circle of Life. Then I come on (I'm Harry Potter) and my friend Amy comes on from the opposite side of the stage (we never decided if she was voldemort or snape) and interrupt them, by me shouting "adavera kadavera!" and Amy falling, dead, to the floor. Then my friend Ali (who is Draco) comes on behind me, and we get into an epic slap fight. This whole time, romeo and juliet are wondering what harry potter characters are doing in their play. Then they decide to break up our slap fight, and amy rises from the dead, and we all do the Macarena. The end.
It was pretty awesome. I just found it really funny that only one of us was actually supposed to be there. The rest of us pretty much crashed =D
Soo... I have to leave in 20 minutes to go to school, and I still have to do my math homework. So, bye everyone. To everyone who ever commented, or even just read, any of my posts... thank you so much. Like, I really mean it. Thanks =]
Goodbye now =]
oh well. either way... it's a FAIL.
But anyways... it's the last day! Last April post! or... last day feeling guilty for not posting! Except I'm not going to feel guilty about that today, since I'm actually posting =D
Today is Thursday, I get out of school early. I'm not sure why. And I don't have school tomorrow, I just have this mother-daughter thing to go to at my school. So that's pretty awesome.
These past two weeks back from break have been crazy. And busy. The dance concert went really well, by the way. Everyone pretty much loved our dance =D. It's really different from the rest of the dances in the concert. I'm not quite sure how that happened. Now my next show is in June, which is with the company and studio I'm with. I'm excited for that =]
On Tuesday, my friends and I had a potluck at lunch. We did it on Tuesday because that's my video day for 7awesomehorcruxes. But... alas... I forgot my camera. fail. But it was really fun. We're going to have one next week I think too. And they toasted to me! It was awesome =D
Yesterday, Wednesday, was pretty awesome too. There was a theater club meeting, where they were having a "talentless show". Only for theater club (theater club is HUGE at my school). Now, I'm not in theater club. The only one in our little group of friends that IS in theater club is my friend Nora. But she wanted to do something, so she got us to do it with her. Well actually she got Cathy to do it with her, and then I decided I wanted to do it with them, and then Cathy and I kind of put two other friends in it too (this was all that yesterday before lunch). Soo at the talentless show, people were doing the kinds of things you would expect, little skits, little one-person act things, little dances, even one person being Fred. She was pretty awesome too.
And then... we go up. It starts off with Cathy and Nora being Romeo and Juliet at the balcony scene, and then they somehow start singing The Circle of Life. Then I come on (I'm Harry Potter) and my friend Amy comes on from the opposite side of the stage (we never decided if she was voldemort or snape) and interrupt them, by me shouting "adavera kadavera!" and Amy falling, dead, to the floor. Then my friend Ali (who is Draco) comes on behind me, and we get into an epic slap fight. This whole time, romeo and juliet are wondering what harry potter characters are doing in their play. Then they decide to break up our slap fight, and amy rises from the dead, and we all do the Macarena. The end.
It was pretty awesome. I just found it really funny that only one of us was actually supposed to be there. The rest of us pretty much crashed =D
Soo... I have to leave in 20 minutes to go to school, and I still have to do my math homework. So, bye everyone. To everyone who ever commented, or even just read, any of my posts... thank you so much. Like, I really mean it. Thanks =]
Goodbye now =]
Thursday, April 23, 2009
BEDA 20: Hey... you
Hellooo everyone. Yeah, I missed three days of blogs. Um... yeah. sorry about that.
This weekend (actually tonight is the first show) is the dance concert at my school. I'm only in one dance, but I've been really busy with it. I'm doing video for the first half of the show since I'm only in the second half too. The rehearsals have been from 5-10 for the past three days, so basically I've been coming home for like an hour then going back to school for rehearsal. Then I haven't been getting home till about 10:30 or 40, and doing homework until I fall asleep basically. Soo yeah. sorry about that.
I guess I could have written the posts during that one hour at home... but honestly... I've been lazy about it. Oh well. I guess I fail =D
So I guess I don't really have that much else to say... and not really any more time to say it anyways... since I have to get ready to leave now... but the first show (of 4 shows) is tonight, and I'm actually getting a little excited.
The dance I'm in is really cool (well I think it is). It's hard to explain, but it has to do with little kind of creepy baby dolls for 5 of us, and long wedding 1800's style wedding dresses for the other 5. It's the "creepy dance" of the show I guess. I'm just worried I'm going to start laughing, because we know the audience is going to at a couple points in the dance. This show is cool because each dance or video (there are some videos being shown that were done by the video production classes) is based off of a piece or pieces of art.
Ok, I'm running late (in case you haven't noticed, I'm one of those people that's late to almost everything) so I gotta go now.
uggh 4 days back at school and I'm already behind on homework =/
This weekend (actually tonight is the first show) is the dance concert at my school. I'm only in one dance, but I've been really busy with it. I'm doing video for the first half of the show since I'm only in the second half too. The rehearsals have been from 5-10 for the past three days, so basically I've been coming home for like an hour then going back to school for rehearsal. Then I haven't been getting home till about 10:30 or 40, and doing homework until I fall asleep basically. Soo yeah. sorry about that.
I guess I could have written the posts during that one hour at home... but honestly... I've been lazy about it. Oh well. I guess I fail =D
So I guess I don't really have that much else to say... and not really any more time to say it anyways... since I have to get ready to leave now... but the first show (of 4 shows) is tonight, and I'm actually getting a little excited.
The dance I'm in is really cool (well I think it is). It's hard to explain, but it has to do with little kind of creepy baby dolls for 5 of us, and long wedding 1800's style wedding dresses for the other 5. It's the "creepy dance" of the show I guess. I'm just worried I'm going to start laughing, because we know the audience is going to at a couple points in the dance. This show is cool because each dance or video (there are some videos being shown that were done by the video production classes) is based off of a piece or pieces of art.
Ok, I'm running late (in case you haven't noticed, I'm one of those people that's late to almost everything) so I gotta go now.
uggh 4 days back at school and I'm already behind on homework =/
Sunday, April 19, 2009
BEDA 19: creating, dancing, movie-making, and indian food
Hi everyone! I'm pretty pretty, goffy, awesome, and fantabulous. (haha pretty pretty)
I didn't really feel like writing my blog today, thats why George wrote it for me instead.
Notice how it's not three in the morning!? I'm going to go to sleep at a reasonable time tonight, because I have school tomorrow.
Today started off badly because I was still feeling really guilty because I mercilessly slaughtered a mosquito last night.
But then it got better because I had soggy rice chex!! About that...I kind of like soggy cereal, even though most people think that it is gross.
Anyways- cereal for lunch. pretty cool
Then I went to a dance rehearsal at my school. (I did amazing) My mom went with me too, and for some reason spent more time there than me.
I also sent off my wonderful "Creator" piece (that I wrote for YWS) to my teacher. I'm really nervous about that. I have no idea what other people will think of it. I really hope they like it.
After dance I went to the park with my AWESOME friends, and made a movie/short film/thing. It kind of has a complicated story line, but basically it's about a guy (a pretty cool guy too) who kills himself... by eating tic tacs.
I got to pretend to be dead in it!! I couldn't stop giggling though.
The movie isn't ready to be shown yet, but it will be eventually.
You should watch it when it's done! Look for it at:
http://www.youtube.com/user/7awesomehorcruxes
Also, watch the videos on tuesday.
Well.... the videos that are supposed to be made on tuesdays.
OH MY GOD!!! new postsecrets today!!
For dinner I got indian food!! I really like indian food. only vegetarian indian food though. cause im a vegetable.
Okay. Tomorrow
Bleh.
I have to go to school tomorrow. I really, really, really don't want to. I guess seeing my friends will be fun, and latin will be good. I really love my latin teacher.
Classes will suck though.
After school I have dance!! I'm such a lava rock. but im not actually going to go, because I have to go to another rehearsal for the dance show at my school. Sooo much dancing.
AND IM SOOOOOOO EXCITED FOR MONACO. (speaking of monaco, don't forget: may 24- monaco grand prix)
I didn't really feel like writing my blog today, thats why George wrote it for me instead.
Notice how it's not three in the morning!? I'm going to go to sleep at a reasonable time tonight, because I have school tomorrow.
Today started off badly because I was still feeling really guilty because I mercilessly slaughtered a mosquito last night.
But then it got better because I had soggy rice chex!! About that...I kind of like soggy cereal, even though most people think that it is gross.
Anyways- cereal for lunch. pretty cool
Then I went to a dance rehearsal at my school. (I did amazing) My mom went with me too, and for some reason spent more time there than me.
I also sent off my wonderful "Creator" piece (that I wrote for YWS) to my teacher. I'm really nervous about that. I have no idea what other people will think of it. I really hope they like it.
After dance I went to the park with my AWESOME friends, and made a movie/short film/thing. It kind of has a complicated story line, but basically it's about a guy (a pretty cool guy too) who kills himself... by eating tic tacs.
I got to pretend to be dead in it!! I couldn't stop giggling though.
The movie isn't ready to be shown yet, but it will be eventually.
You should watch it when it's done! Look for it at:
http://www.youtube.com/user/7awesomehorcruxes
Also, watch the videos on tuesday.
Well.... the videos that are supposed to be made on tuesdays.
OH MY GOD!!! new postsecrets today!!
For dinner I got indian food!! I really like indian food. only vegetarian indian food though. cause im a vegetable.
Okay. Tomorrow
Bleh.
I have to go to school tomorrow. I really, really, really don't want to. I guess seeing my friends will be fun, and latin will be good. I really love my latin teacher.
Classes will suck though.
After school I have dance!! I'm such a lava rock. but im not actually going to go, because I have to go to another rehearsal for the dance show at my school. Sooo much dancing.
AND IM SOOOOOOO EXCITED FOR MONACO. (speaking of monaco, don't forget: may 24- monaco grand prix)
BEDA 18: Busy-ness, Movies, and Barbecues
Hello, whoever you are, reading my blog.
I'm going to tell you about these last two days. Because that's all I seem to do in these BEDA posts these days, tell you about what I've been doing in my life. I've been strangely busy this spring break. I expected to have a lot of free time, hanging out at home, kind of wondering what to do, like what I usually do during breaks. But these past two weeks I really haven't spent that much time not doing anything. I've been on vacation, visiting family, hanging out with friends, just, doing different things. It's a nice breath away from my usual life. Which I'm also busy in, very busy, with homework and such. But I also usually spend an ungodly amount of time on the computer. It's been a nice break from that. I really like it.
Anyways. So. the last two days.
Friday.
My cousin, my sister, and I decided to walk to the movie theater near old town (did I tell you guys about old town? I don't remember...). Anyways, we walked to the movie theater from my house, it took us like 40 minutes. And we saw 17 Again. It was pretty good, better than I expected actually. Zac Efron did a good job, I think. Also, it had good music =] There was a Santogold song, and a song by The Virgins, both of which I got really excited for when we were watching the movie.
Then after the movie my cousin decided to go back to grandpa's and stay with him for a while before she and her dad go back to their home. And my sister had to leave for dance. I ended up meeting up with my friend Ali from school, she rode her bike over to where I was and we saw Monsters vs. Aliens in 3D. (yeah, I'm seeing all the movies for the kids. oh well =D) And then afterwards we ended up going back to my house, and my cousin, uncle, and grandpa came over, and we barbecued.
It was actually a really fun night, my parents, my sister, my grandpa, my uncle, my cousin, Ali, and I all hanging out and eating Mexican barbecued food. It was awesome =D. Later that night my sister, Ali, and I stayed in my room watching MadTV clips and other random youtube videos until we took her home at like 11:30 at night. That's why I didn't do my post, because when I came back home from taking Ali home I just watched more MadTV clips until I fell asleep.
ok. today. Saturday.
so like usual I had dance from 10:30-5. Then after dance I ended up going to the movies with some other friends from school, and we saw 17 Again. Then got Coldstone ice cream =D
So... I went to the movies 3 times over the past 2 days, but only saw 2 different movies. haha. fun times.
And tomorrow I have pretty interesting plans. A dance rehearsal at school, then making a movie/video with some friends at a park near my house. But you'll hear about that tomorrow =D
Ok, well, it's 1 now and I'm not tired at all. Earlier there was one of those HUGE mosquitoes in my room, and now I'm freaked out that it's still in here, even though I SAW it in the living room. I get really paranoid about bugs. Like once I see one, I feel them crawling all over me, even though there's nothing there. and I SEE them everywhere, when they're really not there. darn creepy bugs. It's going to take me a long time to get to sleep tonight...
anyways, goodbye now! hope everyone has/had a WONDERFUL day! =D
I'm going to tell you about these last two days. Because that's all I seem to do in these BEDA posts these days, tell you about what I've been doing in my life. I've been strangely busy this spring break. I expected to have a lot of free time, hanging out at home, kind of wondering what to do, like what I usually do during breaks. But these past two weeks I really haven't spent that much time not doing anything. I've been on vacation, visiting family, hanging out with friends, just, doing different things. It's a nice breath away from my usual life. Which I'm also busy in, very busy, with homework and such. But I also usually spend an ungodly amount of time on the computer. It's been a nice break from that. I really like it.
Anyways. So. the last two days.
Friday.
My cousin, my sister, and I decided to walk to the movie theater near old town (did I tell you guys about old town? I don't remember...). Anyways, we walked to the movie theater from my house, it took us like 40 minutes. And we saw 17 Again. It was pretty good, better than I expected actually. Zac Efron did a good job, I think. Also, it had good music =] There was a Santogold song, and a song by The Virgins, both of which I got really excited for when we were watching the movie.
Then after the movie my cousin decided to go back to grandpa's and stay with him for a while before she and her dad go back to their home. And my sister had to leave for dance. I ended up meeting up with my friend Ali from school, she rode her bike over to where I was and we saw Monsters vs. Aliens in 3D. (yeah, I'm seeing all the movies for the kids. oh well =D) And then afterwards we ended up going back to my house, and my cousin, uncle, and grandpa came over, and we barbecued.
It was actually a really fun night, my parents, my sister, my grandpa, my uncle, my cousin, Ali, and I all hanging out and eating Mexican barbecued food. It was awesome =D. Later that night my sister, Ali, and I stayed in my room watching MadTV clips and other random youtube videos until we took her home at like 11:30 at night. That's why I didn't do my post, because when I came back home from taking Ali home I just watched more MadTV clips until I fell asleep.
ok. today. Saturday.
so like usual I had dance from 10:30-5. Then after dance I ended up going to the movies with some other friends from school, and we saw 17 Again. Then got Coldstone ice cream =D
So... I went to the movies 3 times over the past 2 days, but only saw 2 different movies. haha. fun times.
And tomorrow I have pretty interesting plans. A dance rehearsal at school, then making a movie/video with some friends at a park near my house. But you'll hear about that tomorrow =D
Ok, well, it's 1 now and I'm not tired at all. Earlier there was one of those HUGE mosquitoes in my room, and now I'm freaked out that it's still in here, even though I SAW it in the living room. I get really paranoid about bugs. Like once I see one, I feel them crawling all over me, even though there's nothing there. and I SEE them everywhere, when they're really not there. darn creepy bugs. It's going to take me a long time to get to sleep tonight...
anyways, goodbye now! hope everyone has/had a WONDERFUL day! =D
Saturday, April 18, 2009
BEDA 17: BLEH
I fail.
I didn't write a blog post yesterday. I mean, I was going to, but I fell asleep watching old MadTV clips on youtube. I know, pathetic, right?
Ok. So. I fail. fail fail fail.
I'll write a better post after dance tonight.
...I'm so late right now
I didn't write a blog post yesterday. I mean, I was going to, but I fell asleep watching old MadTV clips on youtube. I know, pathetic, right?
Ok. So. I fail. fail fail fail.
I'll write a better post after dance tonight.
...I'm so late right now
Friday, April 17, 2009
BEDA 16: Writings, Videos, and Bad Habits
So today it's not 2 in the morning... today it's 3 in the morning. Haha. But oddly, I'm not as tired. Probably because I haven't just been sitting here not really doing anything... but being busy. Well, kind of busy.
Ok. The first half of today was pretty uneventful. I woke up kind of late, it took me like an hour to actually get out of bed. And then I finally wrote this thing that has been kind of hanging over my head since the friday before break. You know that feeling? Where even when you're happy, you can't really ever be in a good mood because you keep being reminded by this THING that you can't get over being... nervous, anxious, or worried about. I don't know. Little things get like that for me.
So anyways. At school I'm in Young Writers' Society, and every year the club puts out this "literary magazine" thing. So I had to submit something since I'm in the club. But like... I really didn't like my submission, so the teacher said I could email her something during break to use instead. Now, those of you who've read past blog entries know, that I haven't really had a ton of free time just sitting in front of the computer. Well, not as much as usual during breaks anyways, for me at least. This was the first day I really had time to do it, so I decided I might as well. But it's been bugging me, I can't really... get it. I just, haven't been able to. For months. Just, ever since the writing website I used to go on shut down (ficlets), I haven't been able to do it. Just... I don't know. I can't explain it. It frustrates me. It frustrates me practically to tears sometimes. I just... the feeling just makes me want to rip my hair out.
Well, I wrote something. I don't know if I like it though. I don't know if I want people to read it.
Anways...
So then later on in the day my sister and I started filming a video. But then we had to stop because we had to go to dance. So that was... the usual. Hard.
After dance, my cousin (same cousin as earlier this week) came over, and is staying the night again (yay!). She's leaving to go back to her home tomorrow night though =[ The nights she wasn't here she was staying at our grandpa's house.
So anyways, from after dance to about 2:30 or 3 in the morning, we were making and editing the video. It's just a silly thing, but I'm actually kind of proud of it =D (I mean, come on, it took hours to do)
See, I have this bad habit of not admitting I'm proud of things. Like, for fear of other people not liking it or something, or people not taking it seriously, or something like that, I don't know, I kind of just wave it off. Hours of work. Whether it's something I've written, something I've made, something I've done, I'll just call it stupid. Say it's not good. Whatever. Beat the viewers to the punch I guess.
It's a bad, stupid habit. But I don't know, I do it, all the time. I mean, sometimes things really are bad or stupid, and I know it. But then sometimes I really actually like what I did. But, you know, it's easier to handle people's reactions if you act like you don't take it seriously in the first place.
haha, I'm getting off topic.
Video. We were just having fun =]
Here's the address if you want to watch it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MNj2vGSshoQ
There's no obligation to watch it if you don't want to though. Just, it's there if you happen to want to =]
goodbye! hope everyone has/had a great day! =]
Ok. The first half of today was pretty uneventful. I woke up kind of late, it took me like an hour to actually get out of bed. And then I finally wrote this thing that has been kind of hanging over my head since the friday before break. You know that feeling? Where even when you're happy, you can't really ever be in a good mood because you keep being reminded by this THING that you can't get over being... nervous, anxious, or worried about. I don't know. Little things get like that for me.
So anyways. At school I'm in Young Writers' Society, and every year the club puts out this "literary magazine" thing. So I had to submit something since I'm in the club. But like... I really didn't like my submission, so the teacher said I could email her something during break to use instead. Now, those of you who've read past blog entries know, that I haven't really had a ton of free time just sitting in front of the computer. Well, not as much as usual during breaks anyways, for me at least. This was the first day I really had time to do it, so I decided I might as well. But it's been bugging me, I can't really... get it. I just, haven't been able to. For months. Just, ever since the writing website I used to go on shut down (ficlets), I haven't been able to do it. Just... I don't know. I can't explain it. It frustrates me. It frustrates me practically to tears sometimes. I just... the feeling just makes me want to rip my hair out.
Well, I wrote something. I don't know if I like it though. I don't know if I want people to read it.
Anways...
So then later on in the day my sister and I started filming a video. But then we had to stop because we had to go to dance. So that was... the usual. Hard.
After dance, my cousin (same cousin as earlier this week) came over, and is staying the night again (yay!). She's leaving to go back to her home tomorrow night though =[ The nights she wasn't here she was staying at our grandpa's house.
So anyways, from after dance to about 2:30 or 3 in the morning, we were making and editing the video. It's just a silly thing, but I'm actually kind of proud of it =D (I mean, come on, it took hours to do)
See, I have this bad habit of not admitting I'm proud of things. Like, for fear of other people not liking it or something, or people not taking it seriously, or something like that, I don't know, I kind of just wave it off. Hours of work. Whether it's something I've written, something I've made, something I've done, I'll just call it stupid. Say it's not good. Whatever. Beat the viewers to the punch I guess.
It's a bad, stupid habit. But I don't know, I do it, all the time. I mean, sometimes things really are bad or stupid, and I know it. But then sometimes I really actually like what I did. But, you know, it's easier to handle people's reactions if you act like you don't take it seriously in the first place.
haha, I'm getting off topic.
Video. We were just having fun =]
Here's the address if you want to watch it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MNj2vGSshoQ
There's no obligation to watch it if you don't want to though. Just, it's there if you happen to want to =]
goodbye! hope everyone has/had a great day! =]
BEDA 15: another one
Soo... it's 2 in the morning again. I really shouldn't let myself not do a blog until this late. This post is going to be just as crappy as yesterday's, because I'm just as tired.
hahaha I read that post again this morning... all of the spelling mistakes and stuff... definitely showed how tired I was =D
So today was really fun. I went to a theme park with my sister and my dad. I LOVE roller coasters, so it was awesome =D big, fast, upside-down ones. The last time I went to this theme park, I hurt my back pretty badly, and i ended up having back problems for a couple months after (which is bad, for a dancer like me). So it was nice going back and still being able to WALK by the end of the night =D
ugghh I'm tired. Every time I yawn my eyes water up A LOT and it's like I'm crying. Tired. going to sleep now. sorry for 2 crappy posts in a row.
(grrrr blogger is unavailable right now. I guess I'll have to put this on my blog on blogspot in the morning =/)
hahaha I read that post again this morning... all of the spelling mistakes and stuff... definitely showed how tired I was =D
So today was really fun. I went to a theme park with my sister and my dad. I LOVE roller coasters, so it was awesome =D big, fast, upside-down ones. The last time I went to this theme park, I hurt my back pretty badly, and i ended up having back problems for a couple months after (which is bad, for a dancer like me). So it was nice going back and still being able to WALK by the end of the night =D
ugghh I'm tired. Every time I yawn my eyes water up A LOT and it's like I'm crying. Tired. going to sleep now. sorry for 2 crappy posts in a row.
(grrrr blogger is unavailable right now. I guess I'll have to put this on my blog on blogspot in the morning =/)
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
BEDA 14: crappy post
ah-ha, so I've kind of be freaking out a little bit about what this should be about.
It's 2 in the morning, and I'm so tired, I would like ot be asleep now.
I went to my grampa's today, it was night seeing and talking to the family that was there.
oh geez, I'm really tired.
tomorrow my dad, my sister, and I are going to an amusment park, I'm excited.
ok. sorry this is crappy. I need to sleep now. bye
It's 2 in the morning, and I'm so tired, I would like ot be asleep now.
I went to my grampa's today, it was night seeing and talking to the family that was there.
oh geez, I'm really tired.
tomorrow my dad, my sister, and I are going to an amusment park, I'm excited.
ok. sorry this is crappy. I need to sleep now. bye
Monday, April 13, 2009
BEDA 13: And another day goes by...
Today has been an interesting day.
The morning was pretty uneventful, just the three of us (my cousin, my sister, and I) getting ready, hanging out, and watching gilmore girls. Then later on we decided to go walk around Old Town (basically like a town with a bunch of shops and restaurants and stuff). It's funny because my cousin doesn't live around here, she lives like 5 hours away, so she was very surprised by the crosswalks in Old Town. There are these two big intersections where you can cross diagonally too, so they have a point where no cars are going and everyone is crossing in all directions.
After old town, I met up with this guy and took pictures for his album cover. haha, there is a story behind this.
So this guy, he's a freshman at my school's 'brother school' because, you know, I go to an all girls school. He does confirmation with me, that's how I met him. In confirmation, he's in the same group as me when we go into our small little 'discussion groups'. So anyways. We're friends on facebook, and I posted some pictures I had edited and stuff, because I'm in to that. Photography and such. So yeah, he saw the pictures and asked me to help with his album cover for the album he's making. So that's what I did today, I met up with him and took some pictures. His friend was supposed to come who likes photography too, but he couldn't come apparently. So now I need to edit and email them to him.
Then after that I went to dance class. Our next show is in June, and we're doing this one Hades dance. There are demons and fire rocks, and some smaller kids are going to be flames or something like that. And there is going to be scaffolds that we dance and climb on too. It should be a really cool dance when it's done.
And then at night my uncle and grandpa came over and ate dinner with us, and we all visited and talked for like an hour or two. It was nice. My grandpa was telling stories from the war. I learned more about some of my cousins and one of my aunts. I'm always learning more about my family's history and lives and things, because I'm one of the youngest on both sides (since both my parents were the youngest siblings). I love my family.
And that was my day =D
Sorry this was just another update blog. Well actually I'm not really sorry, just, I don't know.
haha, anyways.
I'm going to go back and watch tv with my sister, mom, and cousin now probably. Oh yeah, my cousin is sleeping over again. It'll be fun =]
goodbye! =]
The morning was pretty uneventful, just the three of us (my cousin, my sister, and I) getting ready, hanging out, and watching gilmore girls. Then later on we decided to go walk around Old Town (basically like a town with a bunch of shops and restaurants and stuff). It's funny because my cousin doesn't live around here, she lives like 5 hours away, so she was very surprised by the crosswalks in Old Town. There are these two big intersections where you can cross diagonally too, so they have a point where no cars are going and everyone is crossing in all directions.
After old town, I met up with this guy and took pictures for his album cover. haha, there is a story behind this.
So this guy, he's a freshman at my school's 'brother school' because, you know, I go to an all girls school. He does confirmation with me, that's how I met him. In confirmation, he's in the same group as me when we go into our small little 'discussion groups'. So anyways. We're friends on facebook, and I posted some pictures I had edited and stuff, because I'm in to that. Photography and such. So yeah, he saw the pictures and asked me to help with his album cover for the album he's making. So that's what I did today, I met up with him and took some pictures. His friend was supposed to come who likes photography too, but he couldn't come apparently. So now I need to edit and email them to him.
Then after that I went to dance class. Our next show is in June, and we're doing this one Hades dance. There are demons and fire rocks, and some smaller kids are going to be flames or something like that. And there is going to be scaffolds that we dance and climb on too. It should be a really cool dance when it's done.
And then at night my uncle and grandpa came over and ate dinner with us, and we all visited and talked for like an hour or two. It was nice. My grandpa was telling stories from the war. I learned more about some of my cousins and one of my aunts. I'm always learning more about my family's history and lives and things, because I'm one of the youngest on both sides (since both my parents were the youngest siblings). I love my family.
And that was my day =D
Sorry this was just another update blog. Well actually I'm not really sorry, just, I don't know.
haha, anyways.
I'm going to go back and watch tv with my sister, mom, and cousin now probably. Oh yeah, my cousin is sleeping over again. It'll be fun =]
goodbye! =]
Sunday, April 12, 2009
BEDA 12: My Lovely Day
So today was Easter! And for me that means seeing family. Because I have a huge family.
So... this blog post is just going to consist of me talking about my day. To let you know in advance.
This morning I woke up at like 7 to do video at mass at church in the morning. I love doing video, because then I can be at church and not pay attention at all, but concentrate on something I have fun doing. (that's kind of horrible... the liking-not-paying-attention part... but oh well) And the thing is, I LIKE things like that. I mean, not only to I love video, but I just like... work. Like, being part of something like that, being on a crew, using a skill and getting better at it through routine. I don't really know how to explain it, so I just call it 'work'.
Anyways.
After mass my cousin in law came over early to cook prime rib, because apparently it takes like 4 hours. Which it did. It took 4 hours. I don't know anything about prime rib... it's not like I would really... being vegetarian and all. There were a bunch of people over at my house today, and they didn't all know each other. A lot of my mom's side of the family, a lot of my dad's side of the family, some family friends of ours, and even our neighbors from across the street. It was really fun.
There were 4 little kids here today too: 2 of my second cousins, my cousin's husband's second cousin (or something like that...), and our neighbor. So we had an easter egg hunt for them. Kelly and I had the pleasure of hiding that eggs =D.
And... my aunt dressed up as a Peep. I'm betting you guys probably know what peeps are... you know... the marshmallow easter candy things. She dressed up as one. It was so funny. Nerdfighter status right there.
Soo there are 12 minutes left of today, I'm going to wrap this up since my sister and my cousin are probably wondering where I am and why I'm being "anti-social" again, even though it's almost midnight and everyone has gone home except for my cousin. Because she's sleeping over. We actually just finished watching Slumdog Millionaire (yeah, I know, I FINALLY saw it). And it was really really good. But I'm betting that either you've seen it so you know that, or someone has told you how good it is already.
Anyways. Goodbye. Hope you had an awesome day, and an awesome easter for those of you who, you know, celebrate it and all.
I got chocolate too! It was awesome =D
So... this blog post is just going to consist of me talking about my day. To let you know in advance.
This morning I woke up at like 7 to do video at mass at church in the morning. I love doing video, because then I can be at church and not pay attention at all, but concentrate on something I have fun doing. (that's kind of horrible... the liking-not-paying-attention part... but oh well) And the thing is, I LIKE things like that. I mean, not only to I love video, but I just like... work. Like, being part of something like that, being on a crew, using a skill and getting better at it through routine. I don't really know how to explain it, so I just call it 'work'.
Anyways.
After mass my cousin in law came over early to cook prime rib, because apparently it takes like 4 hours. Which it did. It took 4 hours. I don't know anything about prime rib... it's not like I would really... being vegetarian and all. There were a bunch of people over at my house today, and they didn't all know each other. A lot of my mom's side of the family, a lot of my dad's side of the family, some family friends of ours, and even our neighbors from across the street. It was really fun.
There were 4 little kids here today too: 2 of my second cousins, my cousin's husband's second cousin (or something like that...), and our neighbor. So we had an easter egg hunt for them. Kelly and I had the pleasure of hiding that eggs =D.
And... my aunt dressed up as a Peep. I'm betting you guys probably know what peeps are... you know... the marshmallow easter candy things. She dressed up as one. It was so funny. Nerdfighter status right there.
Soo there are 12 minutes left of today, I'm going to wrap this up since my sister and my cousin are probably wondering where I am and why I'm being "anti-social" again, even though it's almost midnight and everyone has gone home except for my cousin. Because she's sleeping over. We actually just finished watching Slumdog Millionaire (yeah, I know, I FINALLY saw it). And it was really really good. But I'm betting that either you've seen it so you know that, or someone has told you how good it is already.
Anyways. Goodbye. Hope you had an awesome day, and an awesome easter for those of you who, you know, celebrate it and all.
I got chocolate too! It was awesome =D
BEDA 11: A Quiz Because I'm Tired
There are 10 more minutes left of today and I don't really have the energy to come up with a topic and I know I say that a lot and I'm sorry about that but it's true right now and now this run-on is becoming a little bit ridiculous.
So... today I'm just going to do one of those slightly-annoying facebook survey things. Hey, you can read and get to know me a little bit more, or you can skip it and not miss anything =]. Well actually you can always skip these and not miss anything, but whatever.
Here goes nothing...
STEP ONE:
Spell your name with songs.
Crawling Towards the Sun- The Hush Sound
After the Gold Rush- Neil Young
Marching Bands of Manhattan- Death Cab for Cutie
I Can't Explain- The Who
Lady Stardust- David Bowie
L.E.S. Artistes- Santogold
Even If It Kills Me- Motion City Sountrack
STEP TWO:
– Name: Camille
– Birth date: 8/26/93
– Nickname: camillo, camillie, millie, camillio
– Eye Color: brown
– Hair Color: brown (and pinkish...)
– Zodiac Sign: virgo?
STEP THREE:
– The shoes you wore today: yellow converse (the rubber part was partly black and partly white
– Your weaknesses: a lot...
– Your fear(s): suffocation
– Goal you’d like to achieve: to be happy
STEP FOUR:
– Your best physical feature: eyes
– Your bedtime: HA right
– Most missed memory: late night ficlet-writing
STEP FIVE:
This Or That…
– Pepsi or Coke?: ew.. (HA sorry george)
– McDonald’s or Burger King: bleh, it all has meat
– Adidas or Nike: neither...
– Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: again, neither
- Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate all the way
– Cappuccino or coffee: ...neither...
STEP SIX:
Do You…
– Sing: not around people other than kelly belly
– Dance: haha... yeah... =D
– Take a shower: um, yes, I do take showers.
– Have a crush: =]
– Do you think you’ve been in love?: I don't think so
– Want to go to college: mhm
– Like high school: sometimes
--Want to get married: maybe
– Get motion sickness: sometimes
– Think you’re attractive: not really
– Think you’re a health freak: about SOME things
– Get along with your parents: ...sometimes
STEP SEVEN:
In the past month…
– Gone to the mall: nope, I don't think so
– Eaten an entire box of Oreos: nope
– Eaten Sushi: haha, nope. bleh.
– Been on stage: yep =D
– Gone skating: no...
– Made homemade cookies: haha yeah =D
Do you like candy necklaces?: mhm =]
When was the last time you fell over or ran into something?: a couple hours ago =D while hugging kelly belly (my sister)
Do you listen to music every day?: um, of course
Do you still go trick or treating? : well I did last year =D
What was the last thing you ate?: dibs and pocky with kelly. HA. it was funny.
Do you type fast?: yep
What is your favorite type of soda?: HANSENS. all the way.
Have you ever moved?: yep
Have you ever won an award?: mhm
Are you listening to music right now?: of course
How long ’till your birthday?: 4 months
When were you the saddest in your whole life?: I don't know...
Do you use Ebay to buy or sell?: no..
Who makes you mad?: people who try to act like they know what they're talking about.
Have you ever heard a song written about you?: no...
Something you want to happen in 2010?: be... better. at a lot of things.
Summer 2009: figure stuff out
Honestly, do you miss 2008?: kind of
HONESTY SECTION
1. Honestly, what color is your underwear? : what a stupid question
2. Honestly, whats on your mind?: god, so much
3. Honestly, what are you doing right now? : ...this quiz... and pretending to clean my room
6. Honestly, have you done something bad today?: probably
8. Honestly, who is the last person you talked to on the phone?: haha, dad
9. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?: mhm
10. Honestly, what makes you mad most of the time?: when you don't LISTEN
11. Honestly, do you bite your nails?: nope
13. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very moment?: mhm
14. Honestly, are you keeping a big secret?: ...maybe... =D
15. Honestly, do you have a friend you don’t actually like?: um...
17. Honestly, are you in denial?: about...?
18. Honestly, do you get up in the middle of the night and eat?: haha, sometimes
19. Honestly, do you like anyone?: wasn't this already asked?
20. Honestly, does anyone like you?: no
ANGER SECTION
1. What do you do when you’re mad?: pace
2. What’s the worst thing you’ve done when you were mad?: said things I didn't mean
3. Ever made anyone cry when you were mad?: mhm
CRYING SECTION
1. When was the last time you actually cried?: um
2. Ever cried yourself to sleep?: mhm
3. Do certain songs make you cry?: definitely
4. What usually makes you cry?: a lot
HAPPY SECTION
1. Are you usually a happy person?: depends on who I'm with
2. What makes you the happiest?: certain people
3. Do you believe in yourself?: not really
5. When people say they think you are good looking/pretty, do you get happy?: well, kind of yeah =D for a little while
alright... goodbye now =D
So... today I'm just going to do one of those slightly-annoying facebook survey things. Hey, you can read and get to know me a little bit more, or you can skip it and not miss anything =]. Well actually you can always skip these and not miss anything, but whatever.
Here goes nothing...
STEP ONE:
Spell your name with songs.
Crawling Towards the Sun- The Hush Sound
After the Gold Rush- Neil Young
Marching Bands of Manhattan- Death Cab for Cutie
I Can't Explain- The Who
Lady Stardust- David Bowie
L.E.S. Artistes- Santogold
Even If It Kills Me- Motion City Sountrack
STEP TWO:
– Name: Camille
– Birth date: 8/26/93
– Nickname: camillo, camillie, millie, camillio
– Eye Color: brown
– Hair Color: brown (and pinkish...)
– Zodiac Sign: virgo?
STEP THREE:
– The shoes you wore today: yellow converse (the rubber part was partly black and partly white
– Your weaknesses: a lot...
– Your fear(s): suffocation
– Goal you’d like to achieve: to be happy
STEP FOUR:
– Your best physical feature: eyes
– Your bedtime: HA right
– Most missed memory: late night ficlet-writing
STEP FIVE:
This Or That…
– Pepsi or Coke?: ew.. (HA sorry george)
– McDonald’s or Burger King: bleh, it all has meat
– Adidas or Nike: neither...
– Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: again, neither
- Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate all the way
– Cappuccino or coffee: ...neither...
STEP SIX:
Do You…
– Sing: not around people other than kelly belly
– Dance: haha... yeah... =D
– Take a shower: um, yes, I do take showers.
– Have a crush: =]
– Do you think you’ve been in love?: I don't think so
– Want to go to college: mhm
– Like high school: sometimes
--Want to get married: maybe
– Get motion sickness: sometimes
– Think you’re attractive: not really
– Think you’re a health freak: about SOME things
– Get along with your parents: ...sometimes
STEP SEVEN:
In the past month…
– Gone to the mall: nope, I don't think so
– Eaten an entire box of Oreos: nope
– Eaten Sushi: haha, nope. bleh.
– Been on stage: yep =D
– Gone skating: no...
– Made homemade cookies: haha yeah =D
Do you like candy necklaces?: mhm =]
When was the last time you fell over or ran into something?: a couple hours ago =D while hugging kelly belly (my sister)
Do you listen to music every day?: um, of course
Do you still go trick or treating? : well I did last year =D
What was the last thing you ate?: dibs and pocky with kelly. HA. it was funny.
Do you type fast?: yep
What is your favorite type of soda?: HANSENS. all the way.
Have you ever moved?: yep
Have you ever won an award?: mhm
Are you listening to music right now?: of course
How long ’till your birthday?: 4 months
When were you the saddest in your whole life?: I don't know...
Do you use Ebay to buy or sell?: no..
Who makes you mad?: people who try to act like they know what they're talking about.
Have you ever heard a song written about you?: no...
Something you want to happen in 2010?: be... better. at a lot of things.
Summer 2009: figure stuff out
Honestly, do you miss 2008?: kind of
HONESTY SECTION
1. Honestly, what color is your underwear? : what a stupid question
2. Honestly, whats on your mind?: god, so much
3. Honestly, what are you doing right now? : ...this quiz... and pretending to clean my room
6. Honestly, have you done something bad today?: probably
8. Honestly, who is the last person you talked to on the phone?: haha, dad
9. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?: mhm
10. Honestly, what makes you mad most of the time?: when you don't LISTEN
11. Honestly, do you bite your nails?: nope
13. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very moment?: mhm
14. Honestly, are you keeping a big secret?: ...maybe... =D
15. Honestly, do you have a friend you don’t actually like?: um...
17. Honestly, are you in denial?: about...?
18. Honestly, do you get up in the middle of the night and eat?: haha, sometimes
19. Honestly, do you like anyone?: wasn't this already asked?
20. Honestly, does anyone like you?: no
ANGER SECTION
1. What do you do when you’re mad?: pace
2. What’s the worst thing you’ve done when you were mad?: said things I didn't mean
3. Ever made anyone cry when you were mad?: mhm
CRYING SECTION
1. When was the last time you actually cried?: um
2. Ever cried yourself to sleep?: mhm
3. Do certain songs make you cry?: definitely
4. What usually makes you cry?: a lot
HAPPY SECTION
1. Are you usually a happy person?: depends on who I'm with
2. What makes you the happiest?: certain people
3. Do you believe in yourself?: not really
5. When people say they think you are good looking/pretty, do you get happy?: well, kind of yeah =D for a little while
alright... goodbye now =D
Friday, April 10, 2009
BEDA 10: Reconnecting
So tonight I'm going to the movies with a couple of old friends on mine. Well actually, one of them I'm still really good friends with. The other one, I haven't talked to in a long time, except for the past few days.
See, a couple years ago I had a group of friends that have all kind of spread apart now. I'm still really good friends with 2 of them, the rest I don't really talk to anymore. A week ago I kind of started talking to one of those people again, and we decided it would be cool to all go to the movies sometime, and hang out with that old group of people.
So, that's what we're doing tonight. Except it kind of failed, because the only people that could go or that answered their phone were the one who I started talking to again, my friend who I'm still close to, and me. There was one other person we thought maybe would go, but he still hasn't answered us. We don't think he'll be going, since it's in an hour.
So our plan kind of failed, but it will still be a fun night. It's really cool, getting back in touch with people you never really thought you'd talk to again. There are a lot of old friends I remember that I wish I could see again. It's nice that we're doing this, or that we tried to do this. I don't know, it's just cool.
So that's what I'm doing tonight. Should be fun =]
See, a couple years ago I had a group of friends that have all kind of spread apart now. I'm still really good friends with 2 of them, the rest I don't really talk to anymore. A week ago I kind of started talking to one of those people again, and we decided it would be cool to all go to the movies sometime, and hang out with that old group of people.
So, that's what we're doing tonight. Except it kind of failed, because the only people that could go or that answered their phone were the one who I started talking to again, my friend who I'm still close to, and me. There was one other person we thought maybe would go, but he still hasn't answered us. We don't think he'll be going, since it's in an hour.
So our plan kind of failed, but it will still be a fun night. It's really cool, getting back in touch with people you never really thought you'd talk to again. There are a lot of old friends I remember that I wish I could see again. It's nice that we're doing this, or that we tried to do this. I don't know, it's just cool.
So that's what I'm doing tonight. Should be fun =]
BEDA 9: Regret
I'm late. It's 1 AM, and I haven't written a blog post for today (technically yesterday) yet.
Today I got back home from the trip with my mom about 8:30, it was an awesome trip, I had a lot of fun.
Ok, I kind of bad about these posts. They're getting worse and worse. I just feel like I have nothing to say at all, which is weird for me, because it's kind of a first.
But I feel bad because these posts are kind of pointless. Ok. You know what? They're not going to be pointless anymore. Starting tonight. I was going to start tomorrow, but I have something I want to talk about today. It's pretty short, but it's exactly what I want to say.
It's about... regretting. For a couple of years, I've been kind of regretting this whole big thing that happened with someone. I'm usually pretty good about letting things go. I mean, for a while I wasn't, I held onto everything. But after a while, I decided to let things go, and things were a lot better after that. But I always kind of held onto this. I always regretted everything about it, I couldn't even stand to think about it without hating how stupid I was all over again. For a while I would get a little sick at the thought of it.
And you know, it's weird. It's really strange, what life does to you. I honestly thought I would go through the rest of my life hating this person and regretting everything. But you know... all it takes is one conversation, one honest conversation, to change things. See, I'm a lot more honest and open than I used to be, so when I started talking to this person a little again, that's how I was.
It wasn't like a big deal. I just... said sorry. Admitted how pathetic I acted, and we kind of figured out stuff that went wrong. It wasn't really a big deal, but just because of that, I can move on. I can, not regret it anymore, I can actually let it go. And I don't hate this person. Not at all. I don't have any hate or dislike for this person, and no more huge regret, at least about this. Something that had been kind of eating me up, is gone now.
It's a great feeling =]
Today I got back home from the trip with my mom about 8:30, it was an awesome trip, I had a lot of fun.
Ok, I kind of bad about these posts. They're getting worse and worse. I just feel like I have nothing to say at all, which is weird for me, because it's kind of a first.
But I feel bad because these posts are kind of pointless. Ok. You know what? They're not going to be pointless anymore. Starting tonight. I was going to start tomorrow, but I have something I want to talk about today. It's pretty short, but it's exactly what I want to say.
It's about... regretting. For a couple of years, I've been kind of regretting this whole big thing that happened with someone. I'm usually pretty good about letting things go. I mean, for a while I wasn't, I held onto everything. But after a while, I decided to let things go, and things were a lot better after that. But I always kind of held onto this. I always regretted everything about it, I couldn't even stand to think about it without hating how stupid I was all over again. For a while I would get a little sick at the thought of it.
And you know, it's weird. It's really strange, what life does to you. I honestly thought I would go through the rest of my life hating this person and regretting everything. But you know... all it takes is one conversation, one honest conversation, to change things. See, I'm a lot more honest and open than I used to be, so when I started talking to this person a little again, that's how I was.
It wasn't like a big deal. I just... said sorry. Admitted how pathetic I acted, and we kind of figured out stuff that went wrong. It wasn't really a big deal, but just because of that, I can move on. I can, not regret it anymore, I can actually let it go. And I don't hate this person. Not at all. I don't have any hate or dislike for this person, and no more huge regret, at least about this. Something that had been kind of eating me up, is gone now.
It's a great feeling =]
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
BEDA 8: Great Day
Today has been a really fun day. It might not still be April 8th where you are, but it still is here, and will be for aomost 2 hours.
Today I woke up at like 8 and went with my mom out to the ocean and took like 150 pictures (then deleted like 30). Then we drove about an hour to where my some of our family live and hung out with them the rest of the day. It was a really great day =]
And I got new shoes! They excite me =D
I really don't have anything to say, and not enough energy, or will, to come up with anything interesting or blog-worthy. Not that what I usually say is.
So goodbye, hope you had a great day too!
Today I woke up at like 8 and went with my mom out to the ocean and took like 150 pictures (then deleted like 30). Then we drove about an hour to where my some of our family live and hung out with them the rest of the day. It was a really great day =]
And I got new shoes! They excite me =D
I really don't have anything to say, and not enough energy, or will, to come up with anything interesting or blog-worthy. Not that what I usually say is.
So goodbye, hope you had a great day too!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
BEDA 7: Produce and youtube
It's almost 8 AM right now, usually there is no way I would be up right now during break. But today I've been up since 5, getting ready to leave to go on vacation with my mom.
My mom works in the produce business, so basically buying fruit and vegetables from growers and selling it to like markets and stuff. So right now I'm at my mom's office, because we had to stop at her work before leaving. I'm not sure how long we're going to be here, probably like an hour. But before we came here we went to the grower's market, where they have all of the produce. So that was cool. I kinda felt like people were looking at us like "who is this lady with this teenage girl with a camera, and what are they doing here?" But it was cool.
Last night was really fun. As you (might) know, I went over my friend Nora's house. We swam in her pool, ate Chinese food, and played rock band. We played rock band for soo long. I suck so much at rock band. Like, it's not even funny. So basically I sang the whole time. It was so fun. I was rapping to Beastie Boys =D I brought my camera and we video-taped, because I had to make a Tuesday video.
See, I'm part of one of those many rip-off 5awesome/7awesome channels. We didn't meet online, however, we met in real life. The reason we made the channel was to help us stay in touch, when we all stopped going to the same school.
Anyways.
So yeah, when I got home last night I edited that video, and I guess you can watch it if you really want to. (it has really bad lighting though, which made the quality horrible)
I can't post a link though, because youtube is blocked at my mom's office. Our channel is called 7awesomehorcruxes though. I don't expect you to start watching our channel or anything, I'm just saying, if you're interested =D
Soo I don't really have anything to say. Haha, I've been saying that every day haven't I? Oh well. Blogging every day is odd, because usually I only blog when I have something to say, here it's the opposite. I know I need to blog, so I kind of create something to say. All you other BEDAers probably already know all of this though, since you're doing the same thing =D
Alright, so that's it from me today.
Have a great day!
My mom works in the produce business, so basically buying fruit and vegetables from growers and selling it to like markets and stuff. So right now I'm at my mom's office, because we had to stop at her work before leaving. I'm not sure how long we're going to be here, probably like an hour. But before we came here we went to the grower's market, where they have all of the produce. So that was cool. I kinda felt like people were looking at us like "who is this lady with this teenage girl with a camera, and what are they doing here?" But it was cool.
Last night was really fun. As you (might) know, I went over my friend Nora's house. We swam in her pool, ate Chinese food, and played rock band. We played rock band for soo long. I suck so much at rock band. Like, it's not even funny. So basically I sang the whole time. It was so fun. I was rapping to Beastie Boys =D I brought my camera and we video-taped, because I had to make a Tuesday video.
See, I'm part of one of those many rip-off 5awesome/7awesome channels. We didn't meet online, however, we met in real life. The reason we made the channel was to help us stay in touch, when we all stopped going to the same school.
Anyways.
So yeah, when I got home last night I edited that video, and I guess you can watch it if you really want to. (it has really bad lighting though, which made the quality horrible)
I can't post a link though, because youtube is blocked at my mom's office. Our channel is called 7awesomehorcruxes though. I don't expect you to start watching our channel or anything, I'm just saying, if you're interested =D
Soo I don't really have anything to say. Haha, I've been saying that every day haven't I? Oh well. Blogging every day is odd, because usually I only blog when I have something to say, here it's the opposite. I know I need to blog, so I kind of create something to say. All you other BEDAers probably already know all of this though, since you're doing the same thing =D
Alright, so that's it from me today.
Have a great day!
Monday, April 6, 2009
BEDA 6: Favorites
So today I've just been wondering around the house, watching gilmore girls, spending too much time online, not doing anything productive. I'm going over to my friend nora's house tonight, which should be exciting =D
Anyways, today I'm going to list favorite things. Because... I don't know. I don't really have anything interesting to say.
These are in no particular order
8 authors
-John Green
-J.K. Rowling
-Scott Westerfeld
-Roald Dahl
-Maureen Johnson
-Sarah Dessen
-Lemony Snicket
-Joan Bauer
8 books NOT by the authors mentioned above
-Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
-Flipped by Wendelin Van Draanen
-Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
-A Mango Shaped Space by Wendy Mass
-The Nature of Jade by Deb Caletti
-Bar Code Tattoo by Suzanne Weyn
-Loser by Jerry Spinelli
-Pay the Piper by Jane Yojen and Adam Stemple
8 bands/musicians
-The Who
-David Bowie
-The Beatles
-The Hush Sound
-Santogold
-Lauren Fairweather
-Harry and the Potters
-Death Cab for Cutie
4 tv shows
-Gilmore Girls
-Doctor Who
-Freaks and Geeks
-House
4 movies
-School of Rock
-Across the Universe
-My Cousin Vinny
-Rain Man
Anyways, today I'm going to list favorite things. Because... I don't know. I don't really have anything interesting to say.
These are in no particular order
8 authors
-John Green
-J.K. Rowling
-Scott Westerfeld
-Roald Dahl
-Maureen Johnson
-Sarah Dessen
-Lemony Snicket
-Joan Bauer
8 books NOT by the authors mentioned above
-Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
-Flipped by Wendelin Van Draanen
-Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
-A Mango Shaped Space by Wendy Mass
-The Nature of Jade by Deb Caletti
-Bar Code Tattoo by Suzanne Weyn
-Loser by Jerry Spinelli
-Pay the Piper by Jane Yojen and Adam Stemple
8 bands/musicians
-The Who
-David Bowie
-The Beatles
-The Hush Sound
-Santogold
-Lauren Fairweather
-Harry and the Potters
-Death Cab for Cutie
4 tv shows
-Gilmore Girls
-Doctor Who
-Freaks and Geeks
-House
4 movies
-School of Rock
-Across the Universe
-My Cousin Vinny
-Rain Man
Sunday, April 5, 2009
BEDA 5: Rant
Alright so I have 10 minutes to write this before I have to leave...
Seirously, why do I always wait till the last minute to do this? I've been home all day, not really doing anything important.
Ok. So I'm going to use these 10 minutes to rant. Because I'm just in a ranting mood. If you've read some older posts on my blog on blogspot you might get a little bored with this because it's a little repitious of some things I've said on there. But it's a little different too.
also, I'm warning you, there is some language. I know some people care about that... so I'm giving you fair warning now.
So, if you've read my other posts you'll know that I go to a Catholic school. My parents are Catholic. I go to a Catholic church (because my parents basically make me). I was baptized Catholic as a baby. I have to leave right now to go to a confirmation class at church (parents).
But what if I don't want to be Catholic?
I don't. I don't want to be Catholic.
But you know what? I was never given a choice. No, because I was baptized as a freakin BABY. I mean, that doesn't seem very meaningful to me, baptizing babies. It's not like the babies were making a choice or anything. But, according to the church, and according to my parents, that means I'm fucking Catholic.
And, I don't want to be Catholic. By my standards, I'm not. I'm not Catholic. I never chose to be baptized.
The problem is the rest of the world. I mean, I've told my parents this. Everyone, my whole fucking family, whenever I say I'm not they just look at me and say, "Camille, you are Catholic."
And other people, people who aren't my family, then they ask, "then what are you?" It's a reasonable question I guess. But like... I dont' know. You know what? I don't. I'm not done figuring things out, I'm fucking 15. But the whole time I was at a Christian (not Catholic) school from 4th-8th grade, people have been making me choose. Like I have everything figured out. I've told people many different things. But I don't even know. I change my mind, like every day. I feel like I don't know enough of the possibilities to figure out what I believe. If that makes sense.
But don't call me Agnostic. Please, just don't put a name on me.
I kind of... just want to be my own thing. My own kind of Christian, I think. Like, don't give me a name, don't sort me into a denomination, don't give me rules. I want to find my own God, whoever that is, and believe what I think is right. And I want people to stop forcing me to have my mind figured out now, and stop forcing me to be what they want me to be.
I'm so late to confirmation right now.
Seirously, why do I always wait till the last minute to do this? I've been home all day, not really doing anything important.
Ok. So I'm going to use these 10 minutes to rant. Because I'm just in a ranting mood. If you've read some older posts on my blog on blogspot you might get a little bored with this because it's a little repitious of some things I've said on there. But it's a little different too.
also, I'm warning you, there is some language. I know some people care about that... so I'm giving you fair warning now.
So, if you've read my other posts you'll know that I go to a Catholic school. My parents are Catholic. I go to a Catholic church (because my parents basically make me). I was baptized Catholic as a baby. I have to leave right now to go to a confirmation class at church (parents).
But what if I don't want to be Catholic?
I don't. I don't want to be Catholic.
But you know what? I was never given a choice. No, because I was baptized as a freakin BABY. I mean, that doesn't seem very meaningful to me, baptizing babies. It's not like the babies were making a choice or anything. But, according to the church, and according to my parents, that means I'm fucking Catholic.
And, I don't want to be Catholic. By my standards, I'm not. I'm not Catholic. I never chose to be baptized.
The problem is the rest of the world. I mean, I've told my parents this. Everyone, my whole fucking family, whenever I say I'm not they just look at me and say, "Camille, you are Catholic."
And other people, people who aren't my family, then they ask, "then what are you?" It's a reasonable question I guess. But like... I dont' know. You know what? I don't. I'm not done figuring things out, I'm fucking 15. But the whole time I was at a Christian (not Catholic) school from 4th-8th grade, people have been making me choose. Like I have everything figured out. I've told people many different things. But I don't even know. I change my mind, like every day. I feel like I don't know enough of the possibilities to figure out what I believe. If that makes sense.
But don't call me Agnostic. Please, just don't put a name on me.
I kind of... just want to be my own thing. My own kind of Christian, I think. Like, don't give me a name, don't sort me into a denomination, don't give me rules. I want to find my own God, whoever that is, and believe what I think is right. And I want people to stop forcing me to have my mind figured out now, and stop forcing me to be what they want me to be.
I'm so late to confirmation right now.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
BEDA 4: It's been a long day...
It's Saturday. To a lot of people (at least a lot of people I know) Saturday means a day off, sleeping in, seeing friends, do no-productive things all day. Not to me. To me, Saturday means dance, from 10:30 to 5. joy.
Yeah, so on Saturdays there is a ballet class in the morning, 10:30-12:15. Then there is a one hour lunch break, where my friends and I usually walk two blocks to mcdonalds or to the mexican place across the street. Usually we go to mcdonalds, because we don't have enough money for the mexican place. (it is a REALLY good mexican resaurant though. really really good.) And then after lunch we go back to the studio and either have a jazz/modern or hiphop class. After that, is rehearsal until 5.
Tiring. I get a headache almost every Saturday from it. Afterwards though I have the rest of the night free, which is nice =]
So, last night was ok. The play (well, musical) that my friend was in was really good. It brought back memories from when I did that musical...
After the musical, we walked to a sushi place. I only ate rice, and the waiter was a little annoyed. But whatever. He got his tip. He was a funny waiter. My friend was like, "so what's the difference between a california roll and a california handroll?" and he when he was explaining it, when he got to the part about the handroll, he was like "you hold it, like the statue of liberty!" And he gestured like the statue of liberty holding the torch up in her hand. It was funny. (this is probably one of those "you had to be there" moments, but I don't know because I can't see your face as your reading this, whoever you are. so. if that was a completely boring and pointless story, sorry =D)
BLEH I wish I had something interesting to say.
I'm really just... not in the mood to be doing this right now. I started off ok... just... I don't know. Things.
I really want to just get out of this house and find somewhere quiet and just sit and listen to music or read a book and be away from everything. I really just want to go away
Yeah, so on Saturdays there is a ballet class in the morning, 10:30-12:15. Then there is a one hour lunch break, where my friends and I usually walk two blocks to mcdonalds or to the mexican place across the street. Usually we go to mcdonalds, because we don't have enough money for the mexican place. (it is a REALLY good mexican resaurant though. really really good.) And then after lunch we go back to the studio and either have a jazz/modern or hiphop class. After that, is rehearsal until 5.
Tiring. I get a headache almost every Saturday from it. Afterwards though I have the rest of the night free, which is nice =]
So, last night was ok. The play (well, musical) that my friend was in was really good. It brought back memories from when I did that musical...
After the musical, we walked to a sushi place. I only ate rice, and the waiter was a little annoyed. But whatever. He got his tip. He was a funny waiter. My friend was like, "so what's the difference between a california roll and a california handroll?" and he when he was explaining it, when he got to the part about the handroll, he was like "you hold it, like the statue of liberty!" And he gestured like the statue of liberty holding the torch up in her hand. It was funny. (this is probably one of those "you had to be there" moments, but I don't know because I can't see your face as your reading this, whoever you are. so. if that was a completely boring and pointless story, sorry =D)
BLEH I wish I had something interesting to say.
I'm really just... not in the mood to be doing this right now. I started off ok... just... I don't know. Things.
I really want to just get out of this house and find somewhere quiet and just sit and listen to music or read a book and be away from everything. I really just want to go away
Friday, April 3, 2009
BEDA 3: Mites, David Bowie, and Break
Alas, I've been sitting here trying to come up with something to say for too long. It's only the third day, and I'm already failing.
Guess what I learned today?
We can get MITES on our EYELASHES. That creeps me out a little. I think about them whenever I rub my eyes now, which I have been for the past 5 minutes, coincidentally enough.
I mean, I don't know if this is common knowledge or not... but I just heard about it today.
Speaking of random facts... did you know that David Bowie's left eye is permanently dilated? When he was 15 his friend punched him in the face. The guy had a ring on his finger, which (I guess) hit is eye. It took like 8 months for the doctors to repair his eye, which they couldn't fully do, which left his eye permanently dilated.
I just thought that was interesting. During earth hour, my dad and I were talking and that somehow came up in conversation. We decided to look it up. So there we were on my dad's computer, in the dark, looking up David Bowie on wikipedia and google images.
In other news...
Spring break!!! I am SO happy. Just, really really happy. I'm excited for these two weeks off =]
Tonight I'm excited because I'm going to a play that a friend on mine is in, and then (maybe) going to dinner or something afterwards (like a group of us).
And then on monday I'm (probably) going to my friend from school's house with a bunch of people (different group of people than friday) and going swimming (if weather permits) or something.
Then monday night or tuesday morning my mom and I are going to drive up to a bunch of places a couple hours away from where I live and just hang out there for a couple of days. My sister will still be in school and my dad has to work, so it will just be the two of us. It will be fun =]
I don't have any other plans for spring break (yet). I plan (or hope) to be spending a lot of time just at home reading, making videos, writing BEDA blogs, spending time outside. Basically spending time not being busy. The teachers at my school weren't allowed to give any homework to us unless it's an AP class. At all. So that means no work for me =]
Alright, that's it from me today. I'm going to go watch Freaks and Geeks until my friend comes over in two hours to go to the play.
Hope everyone has an awesome rest of the day!
Guess what I learned today?
We can get MITES on our EYELASHES. That creeps me out a little. I think about them whenever I rub my eyes now, which I have been for the past 5 minutes, coincidentally enough.
I mean, I don't know if this is common knowledge or not... but I just heard about it today.
Speaking of random facts... did you know that David Bowie's left eye is permanently dilated? When he was 15 his friend punched him in the face. The guy had a ring on his finger, which (I guess) hit is eye. It took like 8 months for the doctors to repair his eye, which they couldn't fully do, which left his eye permanently dilated.
I just thought that was interesting. During earth hour, my dad and I were talking and that somehow came up in conversation. We decided to look it up. So there we were on my dad's computer, in the dark, looking up David Bowie on wikipedia and google images.
In other news...
Spring break!!! I am SO happy. Just, really really happy. I'm excited for these two weeks off =]
Tonight I'm excited because I'm going to a play that a friend on mine is in, and then (maybe) going to dinner or something afterwards (like a group of us).
And then on monday I'm (probably) going to my friend from school's house with a bunch of people (different group of people than friday) and going swimming (if weather permits) or something.
Then monday night or tuesday morning my mom and I are going to drive up to a bunch of places a couple hours away from where I live and just hang out there for a couple of days. My sister will still be in school and my dad has to work, so it will just be the two of us. It will be fun =]
I don't have any other plans for spring break (yet). I plan (or hope) to be spending a lot of time just at home reading, making videos, writing BEDA blogs, spending time outside. Basically spending time not being busy. The teachers at my school weren't allowed to give any homework to us unless it's an AP class. At all. So that means no work for me =]
Alright, that's it from me today. I'm going to go watch Freaks and Geeks until my friend comes over in two hours to go to the play.
Hope everyone has an awesome rest of the day!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
BEDA 2: almost lateness
So I just got home from school, I was at a rehearsal for the dance concert that's in JUST A FEW SHORT WEEKS
Actually, just a few hopefully long weeks, because that's when I'm on break =D
So... that's the reason for this being late in the day. It's only 5 here, but it's probably later where most of you are reading this =D (you and your different timezones, causing trouble =/)
And also, I have almost no time to be writing this, because I have to go to dance class for the company I'm in outside of school in 20 minutes.
I'm a busy busy girl =D
I promise I'll read and comment on my new friends' (yay!) posts on the ning after dance tonight
So sorry if this is a kind of crappy and not thought-out post. Not all of my posts will be like this, I swear because I only have ONE MORE DAY till spring break! I'm SO excited for those two weeks off. Like, ridiculously excited. I'll actually have FREE TIME.
I'm using a lot of all-caps. Sorry if it offends your eyes.
Now... on to the meat of the post. (except not really meat, I'm vegetarian)
I'm going to talk about ME. Introduce myself (you know, what I probably should have done yesterday =D)
umm, I'm Camille, I'm 15. I'm a freshman at, get this, an all-girls, catholic, private high school. joy. It's not that bad, I just kind of feel like I'm missing out on the whole "high school experience". You know?
anyways. I like...
hm.
I like minty gum. candy canes. sour patch kids. cards games. doodles on jeans. david bowie. harry and the potters. thin mints. mountain dew. green nail polish. beat-up shoes. cheerios. harry potter. and more =]
I definitely would have kept going with that, but I'M SO LATE RIGHT NOW
Actually, just a few hopefully long weeks, because that's when I'm on break =D
So... that's the reason for this being late in the day. It's only 5 here, but it's probably later where most of you are reading this =D (you and your different timezones, causing trouble =/)
And also, I have almost no time to be writing this, because I have to go to dance class for the company I'm in outside of school in 20 minutes.
I'm a busy busy girl =D
I promise I'll read and comment on my new friends' (yay!) posts on the ning after dance tonight
So sorry if this is a kind of crappy and not thought-out post. Not all of my posts will be like this, I swear because I only have ONE MORE DAY till spring break! I'm SO excited for those two weeks off. Like, ridiculously excited. I'll actually have FREE TIME.
I'm using a lot of all-caps. Sorry if it offends your eyes.
Now... on to the meat of the post. (except not really meat, I'm vegetarian)
I'm going to talk about ME. Introduce myself (you know, what I probably should have done yesterday =D)
umm, I'm Camille, I'm 15. I'm a freshman at, get this, an all-girls, catholic, private high school. joy. It's not that bad, I just kind of feel like I'm missing out on the whole "high school experience". You know?
anyways. I like...
hm.
I like minty gum. candy canes. sour patch kids. cards games. doodles on jeans. david bowie. harry and the potters. thin mints. mountain dew. green nail polish. beat-up shoes. cheerios. harry potter. and more =]
I definitely would have kept going with that, but I'M SO LATE RIGHT NOW
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
BEDA 1: Here We Go...
hi =]
So this is it... the first day of BEDA.
I'm a little nervous, to be honest. all these people... who might read this...
how about some LISTS to break the ice =D
Things that are TODAY
-april fools day (bleh...)
-FRED AND GEORGE'S BIRTHDAY! happy birthday weasley twins =D
-wednesday =/... middle of the week
-the day that marks 3 more days till spring break!!!!!!! (even though I'm not at school again today)
Things I'm going to do today
-stupid reading logs for english
-make top ramen
-make TOAST
-play piano
-eat too much dry cereal
-procrastinate
-read outside again
-call kelly
-go to ballet (maybe)
-wish I wasn't at ballet (if previous one occurs)
-make sure I have no more goddamn homework I haven't done yet =/
-do the homework I inadvertently forgot I had =/ (or don't know I have yet)
-watch Freaks and Geeks
-watch Gilmore Girls
-(probably) watch House
-watch Doctor Who (I WISH)
(haha, when you're sick you do a lot of tv-watching)
-solitare
-edit pictures
-wish I had the rest of my pictures
-take more pictures!
Things I am particularly in favor of today
-my bed
-the piano
-the couch
-my computer
-the interwebz
-Lauren Fairweather's music
-Jane Eyre (and finally being caught up)
-my dog =D
-my calculator (and the fact that I did the math right =] thanks to george obviously, thank you george!! again)
-windows live photo gallery
-my backyard
-sweats
-mini bagels
-headphones (and my ipod)
-solitare
-spellcheck
Things I am particularly NOT in favor of today
-indecisive weather (just make up your mind already!)
-homework
-my messy room =/
-responsibility =/ (god, I'm so lazy)
-runny noses
-the heavy feeling your head gets after SNEEZING so much
-wasps and the wasps NESTS in my BACKYARD
-april fools day pranks =/
-my own procrastination =D
-things that STILL aren't working for me: windows movie maker and youtube uploaders
-pills
So... that's basically it for today =] it's 11 and gilmore girls is starting =D
happy first day of BEDA!
So this is it... the first day of BEDA.
I'm a little nervous, to be honest. all these people... who might read this...
how about some LISTS to break the ice =D
Things that are TODAY
-april fools day (bleh...)
-FRED AND GEORGE'S BIRTHDAY! happy birthday weasley twins =D
-wednesday =/... middle of the week
-the day that marks 3 more days till spring break!!!!!!! (even though I'm not at school again today)
Things I'm going to do today
-stupid reading logs for english
-make top ramen
-make TOAST
-play piano
-eat too much dry cereal
-procrastinate
-read outside again
-call kelly
-go to ballet (maybe)
-wish I wasn't at ballet (if previous one occurs)
-make sure I have no more goddamn homework I haven't done yet =/
-do the homework I inadvertently forgot I had =/ (or don't know I have yet)
-watch Freaks and Geeks
-watch Gilmore Girls
-(probably) watch House
-watch Doctor Who (I WISH)
(haha, when you're sick you do a lot of tv-watching)
-solitare
-edit pictures
-wish I had the rest of my pictures
-take more pictures!
Things I am particularly in favor of today
-my bed
-the piano
-the couch
-my computer
-the interwebz
-Lauren Fairweather's music
-Jane Eyre (and finally being caught up)
-my dog =D
-my calculator (and the fact that I did the math right =] thanks to george obviously, thank you george!! again)
-windows live photo gallery
-my backyard
-sweats
-mini bagels
-headphones (and my ipod)
-solitare
-spellcheck
Things I am particularly NOT in favor of today
-indecisive weather (just make up your mind already!)
-homework
-my messy room =/
-responsibility =/ (god, I'm so lazy)
-runny noses
-the heavy feeling your head gets after SNEEZING so much
-wasps and the wasps NESTS in my BACKYARD
-april fools day pranks =/
-my own procrastination =D
-things that STILL aren't working for me: windows movie maker and youtube uploaders
-pills
So... that's basically it for today =] it's 11 and gilmore girls is starting =D
happy first day of BEDA!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
BEDA and nings =D
I've decided I'm going to embark on this wonderful journey called BEDA (Blog Every Day April) something that the wonderful author Maureen Johnson made up.
I might run out of ideas, but I usually don't have a problem coming up with things to say (which means that I might go on and on without actually saying something important or making any kind of point. if you've read my blog before you might know this already)
So...read if you like =]
I'm supposed to be at school right now, but I left because I kind of feel like crap. So now I'm sitting at home, sick, and I'm about to go make some toast, maybe some soup, and sit down with a nice book.
Would sound like the perfect way to spend the time if I didn't feel so... bleh.
So anyways
hello
I am going to attempt BEDA.
See you =]
Also, I'm going to be posting on the ning Maureen Johnson has made too
( http://maureenjohnson.ning.com/profile/Camille if you're wondering)
I've been on there for only an hour, and people seem nice =D
I might run out of ideas, but I usually don't have a problem coming up with things to say (which means that I might go on and on without actually saying something important or making any kind of point. if you've read my blog before you might know this already)
So...read if you like =]
I'm supposed to be at school right now, but I left because I kind of feel like crap. So now I'm sitting at home, sick, and I'm about to go make some toast, maybe some soup, and sit down with a nice book.
Would sound like the perfect way to spend the time if I didn't feel so... bleh.
So anyways
hello
I am going to attempt BEDA.
See you =]
Also, I'm going to be posting on the ning Maureen Johnson has made too
( http://maureenjohnson.ning.com/profile/Camille if you're wondering)
I've been on there for only an hour, and people seem nice =D
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Faces and Places
Real
Maybe this one will actually make it to being more than a draft.
Mom
Mom is sweet. Mom is sad. Mom is trying. Mom works hard.
Mom is irrational, but mom is loving. Mom is unfair sometimes, but at least she tries.
Basically, the way she smiles when she talks about grandpa, makes up for it. I don't get how she genuinely cares so much, about every single person she knows.
I like listening to her talk about her family, her friends, her coworkers, these random people she knows. I like it when she gets on a role, and goes on and on about all of these people. Because it's actually real.
Grandpa
Grandpa has sad eyes, he misses his wife. It makes me want to cry.
Grandpa loves his children and his grandkids, every single one of them.
Grandpa doesn't have a shield, blocking him from saying what he thinks, grandpa doesn't need one. More people shouldn't, I think. In the right context.
He has his own way of saying things, and it's always worth hearing.
He's so sweet. He's so loving. He's so... I don't know. Grandpa. He... he lives for his family. He really does.
this family.
I'm not going to say their names, but just this family I know.
The parents are broken up, I don't know why, I can't imagine how.
How can two people deteriorate so fast?
And the daughter... got hit by a car. She can barely walk, but she looks healthy. She looked a lot better than I expected her to when I talked to her. She's not like, sick. Not like "woe is me, I got hit by a car." She's happy and laughing and talking, and healing.
I'm sure they'll make it through ok, they're such wonderful, strong people.
Ali
Ali is so cool. Ali likes to make things, ali likes to create. Ali goes to anime cons, ali makes kimonos.
Ali is so real. Ali never isn't ali, like sometimes I'm not me.
Ali and I have a lot of fun. We dance around to the tetris song, and throw notes across the religion room.
I probably think more of her than she thinks of me. But that's ok, we have fun. Maybe one day she'll actually see me "freak out", like we were talking about.
Teresa
One thing she said to me stuck out, it was about ballet. One thing she said, back in September, about how she liked it, how it was pretty, graceful. (She's not a ballerina)
I remember thinking then... that that was the realest statement I'd heard from someone my age in a long time.
Maybe I'm exaggerating a little, maybe not everything said around me was fake.
But people say so much crap that they don't mean. They don't even realize it. Even when they're writing like this, "honestly."
It's fluff.
It's stupid, it's fake, it's unnecessary.
But we all do it, including me.
It's not that I first realized it was there or anything, but it actually hit me when she said that.
Basically, when she said anything, it was real. And she doesn't say the truth like it's a treasure. She says it normally. That's probably why I think it's so incredibly cool.
Rick
Rick, someone I haven't seen for a while. Since a retreat, at church, near the beginning of the school year.
We had these groups they called "families." He was our group leader, our group of 5.
The 6 of us, we got kind of close. Just at the retreat though.
But he... some things he said in our "discussions", or in the letter he wrote, or even in some of the KK's he sent, meant a lot to me. Because I knew he actually meant them.
He actually believed the things he said, he didn't just say them because he was our group leader.
In the group "discussions" we had, the group leaders shared too. I'm not going to say anything about what anyone said, we're not supposed to. I wouldn't anyways.
But... I hope he gets through everything. I'm sure he will.
Irene
my aunt, Irene. Irene lives in my most favorite place in the world.
Irene is a talker, but she's one of those special talkers. The kind that listens too. The kind that's more of a sharer than a talker.
Irene tells stories in the best ways, not because she's a great story-teller, but because she means what she's saying.
Because her eyes smile that whole time, they sparkle and crinkle at the edges.
Irene is incredible in how down-to-earth she is, how sure she is. How her sureness actually has something behind it instead of just ego.
Irene notices a lot, but she doesn't say that, which is what I like. You can tell not because she tells you, but because she shows you. Not on purpose, but because of how she acts, what she says.
Because she's real.
Just some thoughts. Just some things.
Last year I was so wrapped up in a tiny world. It's not that my friends aren't awesome and wonderful, because they are, but last year I made them practically my whole life.
This year... nothing is my whole life. This year I've really, actually seen a lot more people.
This year, I might still be wrapped up, but I'm not in a tiny little world.
Now... I don't know what to call it.
Not... open, exactly. Just, out.
And it's scary.
And that's all I have to say.
Maybe this one will actually make it to being more than a draft.
Mom
Mom is sweet. Mom is sad. Mom is trying. Mom works hard.
Mom is irrational, but mom is loving. Mom is unfair sometimes, but at least she tries.
Basically, the way she smiles when she talks about grandpa, makes up for it. I don't get how she genuinely cares so much, about every single person she knows.
I like listening to her talk about her family, her friends, her coworkers, these random people she knows. I like it when she gets on a role, and goes on and on about all of these people. Because it's actually real.
Grandpa
Grandpa has sad eyes, he misses his wife. It makes me want to cry.
Grandpa loves his children and his grandkids, every single one of them.
Grandpa doesn't have a shield, blocking him from saying what he thinks, grandpa doesn't need one. More people shouldn't, I think. In the right context.
He has his own way of saying things, and it's always worth hearing.
He's so sweet. He's so loving. He's so... I don't know. Grandpa. He... he lives for his family. He really does.
this family.
I'm not going to say their names, but just this family I know.
The parents are broken up, I don't know why, I can't imagine how.
How can two people deteriorate so fast?
And the daughter... got hit by a car. She can barely walk, but she looks healthy. She looked a lot better than I expected her to when I talked to her. She's not like, sick. Not like "woe is me, I got hit by a car." She's happy and laughing and talking, and healing.
I'm sure they'll make it through ok, they're such wonderful, strong people.
Ali
Ali is so cool. Ali likes to make things, ali likes to create. Ali goes to anime cons, ali makes kimonos.
Ali is so real. Ali never isn't ali, like sometimes I'm not me.
Ali and I have a lot of fun. We dance around to the tetris song, and throw notes across the religion room.
I probably think more of her than she thinks of me. But that's ok, we have fun. Maybe one day she'll actually see me "freak out", like we were talking about.
Teresa
One thing she said to me stuck out, it was about ballet. One thing she said, back in September, about how she liked it, how it was pretty, graceful. (She's not a ballerina)
I remember thinking then... that that was the realest statement I'd heard from someone my age in a long time.
Maybe I'm exaggerating a little, maybe not everything said around me was fake.
But people say so much crap that they don't mean. They don't even realize it. Even when they're writing like this, "honestly."
It's fluff.
It's stupid, it's fake, it's unnecessary.
But we all do it, including me.
It's not that I first realized it was there or anything, but it actually hit me when she said that.
Basically, when she said anything, it was real. And she doesn't say the truth like it's a treasure. She says it normally. That's probably why I think it's so incredibly cool.
Rick
Rick, someone I haven't seen for a while. Since a retreat, at church, near the beginning of the school year.
We had these groups they called "families." He was our group leader, our group of 5.
The 6 of us, we got kind of close. Just at the retreat though.
But he... some things he said in our "discussions", or in the letter he wrote, or even in some of the KK's he sent, meant a lot to me. Because I knew he actually meant them.
He actually believed the things he said, he didn't just say them because he was our group leader.
In the group "discussions" we had, the group leaders shared too. I'm not going to say anything about what anyone said, we're not supposed to. I wouldn't anyways.
But... I hope he gets through everything. I'm sure he will.
Irene
my aunt, Irene. Irene lives in my most favorite place in the world.
Irene is a talker, but she's one of those special talkers. The kind that listens too. The kind that's more of a sharer than a talker.
Irene tells stories in the best ways, not because she's a great story-teller, but because she means what she's saying.
Because her eyes smile that whole time, they sparkle and crinkle at the edges.
Irene is incredible in how down-to-earth she is, how sure she is. How her sureness actually has something behind it instead of just ego.
Irene notices a lot, but she doesn't say that, which is what I like. You can tell not because she tells you, but because she shows you. Not on purpose, but because of how she acts, what she says.
Because she's real.
Just some thoughts. Just some things.
Last year I was so wrapped up in a tiny world. It's not that my friends aren't awesome and wonderful, because they are, but last year I made them practically my whole life.
This year... nothing is my whole life. This year I've really, actually seen a lot more people.
This year, I might still be wrapped up, but I'm not in a tiny little world.
Now... I don't know what to call it.
Not... open, exactly. Just, out.
And it's scary.
And that's all I have to say.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
"then her soul sat on her lips, and language flowed"
"The refreshing meal, the brilliant fire, the presence and kindness of her beloved instructress, or, perhaps, more than all these, something in her own unique mind, had roused her powers within her. They woke, they kindled; first, they glowed in the bright tint of her cheek, which till this hour I had never seen but pale and bloodless; then they shone in the liquid lustre of her eyes, which had suddenly acquired a beauty more singular than that of Miss Temple's- a beauty neither of fine colour nor long eyelash, nor pencilled brow, but of meaning, of movement, of radiance. Then her soul sat on her lips, and language flowed, from what source I cannot tell; has a girl of fourteen a heart large enough, vigorous enough to hold the swelling spring of pure, full, fervid eloquence? Such was the characteristic of Helen's discourse on that, to me, memorable evening; her spirit seemed hastening to live within a very brief span as much as many live during a protracted existence."
-Jane Eyre
-Jane Eyre
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Wiping off makeup, laughing at the sky
How come I'm so honest with you? I really... trust you. I hope you know.
Like, I don't think you get it. I don't think you get how much it... it helps.
I'm trying not to say too much here. I'm trying to not add fluff to make it sound pretty, like I always do. I'm trying not to make stuff up. You get what I mean, I think.
Just... yeah.
I just wanted to say that.
I think this may be a thanks.
Like, I don't think you get it. I don't think you get how much it... it helps.
I'm trying not to say too much here. I'm trying to not add fluff to make it sound pretty, like I always do. I'm trying not to make stuff up. You get what I mean, I think.
Just... yeah.
I just wanted to say that.
I think this may be a thanks.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Red Lipstick and White Chocolate, Grey Tights and Overcast skies
"Can I keep you?"
-Casper
"Do not consider me now as an elegant female, intending to plague you, but as a rational creature, speaking the truth from her heart"
-Pride and Prejudice
"every view was pointed out with a minuteness which left beauty entirely behind"
-Pride and Prejudice
"I certainly have not the talent which some people possess, of conversing easily with those I have never seen before. I cannot catch their tone of conversation, or appear interested in their concerns, as I often see done."
-Pride and Prejudice
"Miss Darcy looked as if she wished for courage enough to join in it; and sometimes did venture a short sentence when there was least danger of its being heard"
-Pride and Prejudice
"Elizabeth, agitated and confused, rather knew that she was happy, than felt herself to be so"
-Pride and Prejudice
“Gratiano: You look not well, Signior Antonio;
You have too much respect upon the world.
They lose it that do buy it with much care:
Believe me, you are marvellously changed.
Antonio: I hold the world but as the world, Gratiano;
A stage, where every man must play a part,
And mine a sad one.”
-The Merchant of Venice
“Christ what I wouldn’t give to live through an era where pop music, youth culture, social change & some intelligent ideals went arm in arm, tongue on tongue together. Did one ever exist? Can I create one? Do I need anything more than energy & a photocopier. I want to create a band that people will be sorry to miss, and obliged to adore. The Smiths had a special power. As did the Roses, the Jam, and, according to taste, many others. Something very English - imagine having melody, range, emotion, something to say and wear that attracts, interests and informs even instructs those that buy your records & mouth your words. I want to have a crack before I outgrow this youthful urge to be worshipped….”
-Peter Doherty, journal entry from 1999.
"To share the same space for a minute or two"
-Talking Heads
"I'll give him that blissful oblivion, I bet I can make the room spin"
-Lauren Fairweather
"Isn't it funny how some people have problems with freedom?"
-Mrs. Hunnewell
"Cause rain drops will hide my teardrops and no one will ever know, that I’m crying"
-The Temptations
"I don’t mind living in a man’s world as long as I can be a woman in it."
-Marilyn Monroe
"best thing I know is to do exactly what you want for a while"
-Roman Holiday
"You've got a lovely way with words, must be the way you see the world"
-The Virgins
-Casper
"Do not consider me now as an elegant female, intending to plague you, but as a rational creature, speaking the truth from her heart"
-Pride and Prejudice
"every view was pointed out with a minuteness which left beauty entirely behind"
-Pride and Prejudice
"I certainly have not the talent which some people possess, of conversing easily with those I have never seen before. I cannot catch their tone of conversation, or appear interested in their concerns, as I often see done."
-Pride and Prejudice
"Miss Darcy looked as if she wished for courage enough to join in it; and sometimes did venture a short sentence when there was least danger of its being heard"
-Pride and Prejudice
"Elizabeth, agitated and confused, rather knew that she was happy, than felt herself to be so"
-Pride and Prejudice
“Gratiano: You look not well, Signior Antonio;
You have too much respect upon the world.
They lose it that do buy it with much care:
Believe me, you are marvellously changed.
Antonio: I hold the world but as the world, Gratiano;
A stage, where every man must play a part,
And mine a sad one.”
-The Merchant of Venice
“Christ what I wouldn’t give to live through an era where pop music, youth culture, social change & some intelligent ideals went arm in arm, tongue on tongue together. Did one ever exist? Can I create one? Do I need anything more than energy & a photocopier. I want to create a band that people will be sorry to miss, and obliged to adore. The Smiths had a special power. As did the Roses, the Jam, and, according to taste, many others. Something very English - imagine having melody, range, emotion, something to say and wear that attracts, interests and informs even instructs those that buy your records & mouth your words. I want to have a crack before I outgrow this youthful urge to be worshipped….”
-Peter Doherty, journal entry from 1999.
"To share the same space for a minute or two"
-Talking Heads
"I'll give him that blissful oblivion, I bet I can make the room spin"
-Lauren Fairweather
"Isn't it funny how some people have problems with freedom?"
-Mrs. Hunnewell
"Cause rain drops will hide my teardrops and no one will ever know, that I’m crying"
-The Temptations
"I don’t mind living in a man’s world as long as I can be a woman in it."
-Marilyn Monroe
"best thing I know is to do exactly what you want for a while"
-Roman Holiday
"You've got a lovely way with words, must be the way you see the world"
-The Virgins
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Ridiculously Happy Times
Eating chocolate cake on the kitchen floor at midnight with my sister, laughing our asses off and falling on top of each other the whole time... it doesn't get much better than that.
Tired of serious things.
Exhausted actually.
Let's break the rules.
=D
Tired of serious things.
Exhausted actually.
Let's break the rules.
=D
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Books and Toast and Other Things
"'Look at that. Look at all those people. They look like ants. Sometimes I get the feeling that's all we are- ants. Do you ever feel that way?'
'Sometimes'
'I told it to my father once.'
'What did he say?'
'He didn't say anything. I told you, he never talks to me except when we study. But a few days later, while we were studying, he said that man was created by God, and Jews had a mission in life.'
'What mission is that?'
'To obey God.'
'Don't you believe that?'
'Sure I believe it. Sometimes I'm not sure I know what God wants though.'
'That's a funny thing for you to say.'
'Isn't it? I've never said that to anyone before.'"
-The Chosen
"I had lived in it all my life, but I never really saw it until I went through it that Friday afternoon"-The Chosen
"It's awful to have someone give you an image like that of yourself"-The Chosen
"There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of merit or sense."-Pride and Prejudice
"'Your defect is a propensity to hate everybody.'
'And yours, is wilfully to misunderstand them'"
-Pride and Prejudice"
Both, for I have always seen a great similarity in the turn of our minds. We are each of an unsocial, taciturn disposition, unwilling to speak, unless we expect to say something that will amaze the whole room, and be handed down to posterity with all the eclat of a proverb."
-Pride and Prejudice
"When someone sees the same people every day, as had happened with him at the seminary, they wind up becoming a part of that person's life. And then they want the person to change. If someone isn't what others want them to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own."-The Alchemist
“We live in this culture where everything is supposed to be so hip and so cool, and it’s not cool to love, and it’s not cool to take care of each other, and it’s not cool to stand up for ourselves. But you know what? Fuck all of that. I believe in love, and I believe that the only way that we are going to survive this fucking craziness that’s going on in our world today is if we just learn to look at love, turn our heads the other way from all the bullshit, and fucking love.”
-Andrew McMahon
“When I was a girl, my life was music that was always getting louder. Everything moved me. A dog following a stranger. That made me feel so much. A calendar that showed the wrong month. I could have cried over it. I did. Where the smoke from a chimney ended. How an overturned bottle rested at the edge of a table. I spent my life learning to feel less. Every day I felt less. Is that growing old? Or is it something worse? You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”
— Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
"The world is hungry to hear about ideas"
-Monsignor
"I know if I feel this sad, then I'm alive"
-Sarah (sarahtheteenager)
"The thing I love most about life is you don't know where it's gonna go"
-Alex Day
"It's because it's not easy to tell a story that makes sense"
-John Green
I love Sunday mornings like these. The ones where I wake up in yesterday's clothes and Breakfast with the Beatles is on in the kitchen, where there is actually some beakfast-y food cooking (rare in this house). The whole house is loud from the sounds in the kitchen, and I can hear it from my room when I wake up. These only come around once in a while.
I love it because they don't change. Because no matter how different my life was last time one of these mornings came around, this is the same.
'Sometimes'
'I told it to my father once.'
'What did he say?'
'He didn't say anything. I told you, he never talks to me except when we study. But a few days later, while we were studying, he said that man was created by God, and Jews had a mission in life.'
'What mission is that?'
'To obey God.'
'Don't you believe that?'
'Sure I believe it. Sometimes I'm not sure I know what God wants though.'
'That's a funny thing for you to say.'
'Isn't it? I've never said that to anyone before.'"
-The Chosen
"I had lived in it all my life, but I never really saw it until I went through it that Friday afternoon"-The Chosen
"It's awful to have someone give you an image like that of yourself"-The Chosen
"There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of merit or sense."-Pride and Prejudice
"'Your defect is a propensity to hate everybody.'
'And yours, is wilfully to misunderstand them'"
-Pride and Prejudice"
Both, for I have always seen a great similarity in the turn of our minds. We are each of an unsocial, taciturn disposition, unwilling to speak, unless we expect to say something that will amaze the whole room, and be handed down to posterity with all the eclat of a proverb."
-Pride and Prejudice
"When someone sees the same people every day, as had happened with him at the seminary, they wind up becoming a part of that person's life. And then they want the person to change. If someone isn't what others want them to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own."-The Alchemist
“We live in this culture where everything is supposed to be so hip and so cool, and it’s not cool to love, and it’s not cool to take care of each other, and it’s not cool to stand up for ourselves. But you know what? Fuck all of that. I believe in love, and I believe that the only way that we are going to survive this fucking craziness that’s going on in our world today is if we just learn to look at love, turn our heads the other way from all the bullshit, and fucking love.”
-Andrew McMahon
“When I was a girl, my life was music that was always getting louder. Everything moved me. A dog following a stranger. That made me feel so much. A calendar that showed the wrong month. I could have cried over it. I did. Where the smoke from a chimney ended. How an overturned bottle rested at the edge of a table. I spent my life learning to feel less. Every day I felt less. Is that growing old? Or is it something worse? You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”
— Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
"The world is hungry to hear about ideas"
-Monsignor
"I know if I feel this sad, then I'm alive"
-Sarah (sarahtheteenager)
"The thing I love most about life is you don't know where it's gonna go"
-Alex Day
"It's because it's not easy to tell a story that makes sense"
-John Green
I love Sunday mornings like these. The ones where I wake up in yesterday's clothes and Breakfast with the Beatles is on in the kitchen, where there is actually some beakfast-y food cooking (rare in this house). The whole house is loud from the sounds in the kitchen, and I can hear it from my room when I wake up. These only come around once in a while.
I love it because they don't change. Because no matter how different my life was last time one of these mornings came around, this is the same.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Becuase I apparently like offending people and being difficult...
My parents are Catholic. My aunts and uncles for the most part are either Catholic or Christian. I go to a Catholic school. I used to go to a Christian school. I go to a Catholic church. Most of the people in my life, are Christian.
Basically all of my life, I've been told about God. Not just any god, a certain kind. The Christian God. I was brought up to believe in this Christian God.
But... here's the thing. Here is, what I think. I think that what someone believes in is more personal than a religion and generalizing it to make it fit into a religion just doesn't really work.
I mean, it may work for some. Some people I'm sure can be stronger than this. Maybe I'm just not being strong, maybe I'm giving up. If that's the case, I'm not doing anything to stop it now.
Ok... this isn't working. We have to start at the beginning, the beginning for me. The beginning is 4th grade. 4th grade is when I started going to a Christian school. There is where I was "saved," if you believe in that. I believed it at the time. Right there, in Mrs. Gower's class. Yeah, Mrs. Gower. I know some people hate her.
And in 4th grade, is where I also decided I didn't want to be Catholic anymore. Maybe it was the reason I fooled myself into believing: that I never really became religious at all until I went to a Christian school, so I wanted to only be Christian, not Catholic too. But... maybe it was because my friends weren't. Maybe it was because of what we had learned about the original split. Maybe it was because of the stupid accusations I always heard coming from a certain little 4th grader in my class named Josh. Maybe... maybe I didn't want to be the stereotype everyone in my class seemed to believe at the time, even though I knew it wasn't true.
Yeah, that's right, the little 4th grader me bent to that kind of stuff. Oh well.
Thing is, as I got older, I never went back. In 8th grade, I just got sick of people asking me all of the time, so I gave everyone different answers. Yeah, so if you talked about my religion with me in 8th grade, chances are I lied to you at some point. Sorry.
Now in 9th grade, things are kind of changing. Really, a bunch of things are happening at once. A whole load of different information and opinions were kind of presented to me throughout the last semester... which is just the kind of thing I love. But it's also a little disconcerting.
On the one hand, my view had already started changing, to what I said at the beginning of this post. But on the other hand, I've kind of started to really appreciate Catholicism sooo much more. Like, I've learned more about it, in and outside of school.
But mostly... I've met some really amazing people. Really just... amazing, awesome, and yes, Catholic, people. It's like... there are two different forces pulling me in different directions. Like, if all of these people are this, if they all believe in this, they can't all be wrong, right? If they are this strong... there has to be something to it. Something substantial.
But on the other hand... something, else. I don't know. Just, something. Maybe it's some other people I know, or know about. Or maybe it's just some things I've gone through over and over in my head that just... make a whole lot more sense. Maybe it's that stubborn person in me who has always despised, to the point of ridiculousness, being like other people. Maybe it's the wrong choice. But it's the choice I... I'm close to making.
Thing is... there are all of these things that my mind puts into trying to decide... this. Whatever this is. I'm not sure what I'm deciding here.
I think what I need to do is take away all of the other factors. But when I do... it's like I have nothing left. Just... nothing. I'm trying to figure out who this "I" person is, what this "I" person should do... and "I" have a big, fat question mark. I just come back to... images. Of people, of places, of everything that is... that has made me. If that makes sense.
But I'm not rejecting anything right now.
That's all I had to say on the subject.
I have one other dilemma though:
Ok, so I kind of have a list in my head of things and people I'd like to "pray" for. Like, how I used to when I was sure about things. I used to just sit and close my eyes and just... talk in my head to God.
Now, I feel guilty doing that. Like, I don't know what I believe, honestly. So I feel guilty, like I'm only asking something from a ghost.
I don't get how to explain it. Like I want to "pray"... but I don't know how anymore.
I mean... what do you do when you can't even figure out what you believe?
Basically all of my life, I've been told about God. Not just any god, a certain kind. The Christian God. I was brought up to believe in this Christian God.
But... here's the thing. Here is, what I think. I think that what someone believes in is more personal than a religion and generalizing it to make it fit into a religion just doesn't really work.
I mean, it may work for some. Some people I'm sure can be stronger than this. Maybe I'm just not being strong, maybe I'm giving up. If that's the case, I'm not doing anything to stop it now.
Ok... this isn't working. We have to start at the beginning, the beginning for me. The beginning is 4th grade. 4th grade is when I started going to a Christian school. There is where I was "saved," if you believe in that. I believed it at the time. Right there, in Mrs. Gower's class. Yeah, Mrs. Gower. I know some people hate her.
And in 4th grade, is where I also decided I didn't want to be Catholic anymore. Maybe it was the reason I fooled myself into believing: that I never really became religious at all until I went to a Christian school, so I wanted to only be Christian, not Catholic too. But... maybe it was because my friends weren't. Maybe it was because of what we had learned about the original split. Maybe it was because of the stupid accusations I always heard coming from a certain little 4th grader in my class named Josh. Maybe... maybe I didn't want to be the stereotype everyone in my class seemed to believe at the time, even though I knew it wasn't true.
Yeah, that's right, the little 4th grader me bent to that kind of stuff. Oh well.
Thing is, as I got older, I never went back. In 8th grade, I just got sick of people asking me all of the time, so I gave everyone different answers. Yeah, so if you talked about my religion with me in 8th grade, chances are I lied to you at some point. Sorry.
Now in 9th grade, things are kind of changing. Really, a bunch of things are happening at once. A whole load of different information and opinions were kind of presented to me throughout the last semester... which is just the kind of thing I love. But it's also a little disconcerting.
On the one hand, my view had already started changing, to what I said at the beginning of this post. But on the other hand, I've kind of started to really appreciate Catholicism sooo much more. Like, I've learned more about it, in and outside of school.
But mostly... I've met some really amazing people. Really just... amazing, awesome, and yes, Catholic, people. It's like... there are two different forces pulling me in different directions. Like, if all of these people are this, if they all believe in this, they can't all be wrong, right? If they are this strong... there has to be something to it. Something substantial.
But on the other hand... something, else. I don't know. Just, something. Maybe it's some other people I know, or know about. Or maybe it's just some things I've gone through over and over in my head that just... make a whole lot more sense. Maybe it's that stubborn person in me who has always despised, to the point of ridiculousness, being like other people. Maybe it's the wrong choice. But it's the choice I... I'm close to making.
Thing is... there are all of these things that my mind puts into trying to decide... this. Whatever this is. I'm not sure what I'm deciding here.
I think what I need to do is take away all of the other factors. But when I do... it's like I have nothing left. Just... nothing. I'm trying to figure out who this "I" person is, what this "I" person should do... and "I" have a big, fat question mark. I just come back to... images. Of people, of places, of everything that is... that has made me. If that makes sense.
Like one thing people typically ask when trying to "help" someone like me is "well, what do you actually believe? What do you think?" But... I don't know. That's what I'm trying to say. I have no idea, no clue. I draw from other people... other things... but that doesn't work. I just... have. no. clue.
I think...
I think I don't want a name. I don't want to be in a group. Whether it be Catholic, Christian, Atheist, Agnostic, Jewish, Buddhist, Hindu... or anything else. I'm not saying I'm rejecting all belief, I'm not saying I'm objecting to religion... I'm saying... I don't know what I'm saying.But I'm not rejecting anything right now.
That's all I had to say on the subject.
I have one other dilemma though:
Ok, so I kind of have a list in my head of things and people I'd like to "pray" for. Like, how I used to when I was sure about things. I used to just sit and close my eyes and just... talk in my head to God.
Now, I feel guilty doing that. Like, I don't know what I believe, honestly. So I feel guilty, like I'm only asking something from a ghost.
I don't get how to explain it. Like I want to "pray"... but I don't know how anymore.
I mean... what do you do when you can't even figure out what you believe?
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Obligation
I kind of want out.
I kind of don't want to be tied down anymore.
I'm tired of having to say the right thing. I'm tired of having to not say things. I'm tired of having to make sure I do nothing that might even hint at something directed towards you.
I'm scared of saying this, and think that you might think this is about you.
It's not about a person. It's about an idea. It's about something that I somehow am attached to that, I want to be free from.
I have an obligation towards you. To tell you everything I say, everything I do. To make sure that you're all updated on everything.
I have an obligation towards you. To make you feel welcomed. To make you feel important, special. Like you matter. To make sure you don't get hurt. To lie to you so that you feel ok.
I have an obligation towards you. To clean up after you, before people notice. To make sure you are all pretty and polished and ready for the world.
I have many obligations to things and people and just... you. You big ugly monster. Responsibility.
I... want to cut the ties. I want to break... away. I want out.
There is this song by The Monkees called "I Wanna be Free." One time when I was [considerably] younger, I was listening to it in the car with my dad, and he said, "wow, he's being kind of selfish. Kind of whiny." It's true. He is. And I'm being just like him, him in the song. Different situations, but same feeling.
It's true.
I just... want out. Out of all of these invisible obligations.
I kind of don't want to be tied down anymore.
I'm tired of having to say the right thing. I'm tired of having to not say things. I'm tired of having to make sure I do nothing that might even hint at something directed towards you.
I'm scared of saying this, and think that you might think this is about you.
It's not about a person. It's about an idea. It's about something that I somehow am attached to that, I want to be free from.
I have an obligation towards you. To tell you everything I say, everything I do. To make sure that you're all updated on everything.
I have an obligation towards you. To make you feel welcomed. To make you feel important, special. Like you matter. To make sure you don't get hurt. To lie to you so that you feel ok.
I have an obligation towards you. To clean up after you, before people notice. To make sure you are all pretty and polished and ready for the world.
I have many obligations to things and people and just... you. You big ugly monster. Responsibility.
I... want to cut the ties. I want to break... away. I want out.
There is this song by The Monkees called "I Wanna be Free." One time when I was [considerably] younger, I was listening to it in the car with my dad, and he said, "wow, he's being kind of selfish. Kind of whiny." It's true. He is. And I'm being just like him, him in the song. Different situations, but same feeling.
It's true.
I just... want out. Out of all of these invisible obligations.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Stubborn Little Me
One time, probably in (my second year of) 1st grade, I was over at Rebecca's house. Well, I was over her house a lot. Like, a lot a lot. We had this game, called the Indian and the Pilgrim. And also the Pharaoh game. But... that's besides the point. This is about one particular time.
Anyways. This one time I was at her house, I was a little frustrated with all of the screaming going on, I guess. You guys... it's hard to explain Rebecca's California house through the eyes of 1st grade-year-old me. But, yeah. So. What did I do? I decided to stop talking. Period.
I don't know if any of you guys have done that before... but it's really fun. I mean, it's horribly frustrating to the other person, but if you're the one not talking at all, it's really really fun. As mean as it sounds (and is) it's funny to watch them get frustrated. Especially when they tell you you're going to crack and say something. And then watch them be wrong. It's just... really really fun.
So anyways. Back to the story. Geez, I'm almost as bad at this as Sara is. =D
Yeah. I stopped talking. Rebecca and Gaby were like "camille, you're going to have to say something." "camille, you can't stay quiet forever." "camille, you shouldn't keep things bottled up inside."
I finally spoke. But because I decided to, not because they were driving me crazy. Because they weren't. I hate doing things that will umm... prove people right. I hate doing what people want me to do. This has gotten me in a lot of trouble with my parents over the years.
See, that's kind of a weakness for me. If certain people... tell me to do something that I was already going to do... I will most likely not do it. Even though I was going to. I don't know. It's kind of... not a good trait.
I mean, I'm not just saying this. This isn't me trying to like, "define myself" or crap like that. This is me... the same me I was in 1st grade. Like, ok example.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Kelly and I were at mom's work, and I was reading it, because it had just come out. Kelly had been asking me and asking me to play with her. I was going to, after I finished the chapter. I didn't tell her that though. I had like half a page left. Then she said "ok, after you finish the chapter." And of course, impossible me hated that. Impossible me did not want to do what she wanted me to do.
See, it's little things like that. Little silly things.
But like... things aren't always little like that. Like, being more reasonable would probably be a good idea.
Yeah. That's all I had to say.
Anyways. This one time I was at her house, I was a little frustrated with all of the screaming going on, I guess. You guys... it's hard to explain Rebecca's California house through the eyes of 1st grade-year-old me. But, yeah. So. What did I do? I decided to stop talking. Period.
I don't know if any of you guys have done that before... but it's really fun. I mean, it's horribly frustrating to the other person, but if you're the one not talking at all, it's really really fun. As mean as it sounds (and is) it's funny to watch them get frustrated. Especially when they tell you you're going to crack and say something. And then watch them be wrong. It's just... really really fun.
So anyways. Back to the story. Geez, I'm almost as bad at this as Sara is. =D
Yeah. I stopped talking. Rebecca and Gaby were like "camille, you're going to have to say something." "camille, you can't stay quiet forever." "camille, you shouldn't keep things bottled up inside."
I finally spoke. But because I decided to, not because they were driving me crazy. Because they weren't. I hate doing things that will umm... prove people right. I hate doing what people want me to do. This has gotten me in a lot of trouble with my parents over the years.
See, that's kind of a weakness for me. If certain people... tell me to do something that I was already going to do... I will most likely not do it. Even though I was going to. I don't know. It's kind of... not a good trait.
I mean, I'm not just saying this. This isn't me trying to like, "define myself" or crap like that. This is me... the same me I was in 1st grade. Like, ok example.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Kelly and I were at mom's work, and I was reading it, because it had just come out. Kelly had been asking me and asking me to play with her. I was going to, after I finished the chapter. I didn't tell her that though. I had like half a page left. Then she said "ok, after you finish the chapter." And of course, impossible me hated that. Impossible me did not want to do what she wanted me to do.
See, it's little things like that. Little silly things.
But like... things aren't always little like that. Like, being more reasonable would probably be a good idea.
Yeah. That's all I had to say.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Just... don't
I think I'm a little bit tired of this.
Everything... having to mean something else. Everything said... is remembered. Everything said... is turned over and over in someone's mind. Everything done... is scrutinized until you make it mean something that it was never meant to be.
Because... at a certain point, nothing is much more than it... is. Stop trying to find a hidden meaning. Because you will always find one. Which more often than not is just a figment of your imagination. You grossly misunderstand me by thinking I am saying something else that I'm not saying.
I want to be able to say something and not have it mean something else to you. When it fucking doesn't.
So... just... don't.
god. please?
I can ask all I want. But you do it without realizing it.
It's just so fucking annoying.
I hate that when I stopped feeding you things so that you could make it mean something, when I just started being, I can see what it's doing. I can see that I was wrong. I can see that I will always have to think... think about what you will think before I say anything.
Because... I just end up not saying it at all.
god, just let me be. Will you?
No.
And, god. Don't assume you know what I'm talking about.
Everything... having to mean something else. Everything said... is remembered. Everything said... is turned over and over in someone's mind. Everything done... is scrutinized until you make it mean something that it was never meant to be.
Because... at a certain point, nothing is much more than it... is. Stop trying to find a hidden meaning. Because you will always find one. Which more often than not is just a figment of your imagination. You grossly misunderstand me by thinking I am saying something else that I'm not saying.
I want to be able to say something and not have it mean something else to you. When it fucking doesn't.
So... just... don't.
god. please?
I can ask all I want. But you do it without realizing it.
It's just so fucking annoying.
I hate that when I stopped feeding you things so that you could make it mean something, when I just started being, I can see what it's doing. I can see that I was wrong. I can see that I will always have to think... think about what you will think before I say anything.
Because... I just end up not saying it at all.
god, just let me be. Will you?
No.
And, god. Don't assume you know what I'm talking about.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Proud Mary
Let's talk about Mary.
No, not that Mary.
Not even that Mary.
No, the Mary in Pride and Prejudice.
Proud Mary. Proud, proud Mary. Reminds me of the song, Proud Mary.
She...
she is one of those people.
One of those people who... I don't know. Has a picture in their mind of what they think they are. And then they try to fit in to being that person. Instead of just... being. They go backwards. Instead of being and going from there, they try to fit into something they created. They be that person, that they want to be.
Well. Maybe I'm getting off topic. I haven't even read most of the book. I'm like, 10 chapters behind the rest of the class. I don't know if Jane Austen thought that about Mary. But, from what other people in the class said about her, and from what I've read, it seems like she's like that, to me.
Because... I know that kind of person. I definitely know that kind of person. I wrote a ficlet about it. (http://ficlets.com/stories/48914#review-107919 if you're interested)
I used to be like that, in a way. I guess. Just.
I don't know.
I know that when a person is like that, they can't really tell. They're usually... confused. Trying to figure out "who they are." Trying to "be themself." They feel like they're failing.
And you know why?
Because they're trying too hard.
Just stop.
Stop trying. Ok?
It sounds really stupid. And hard. Because yeah, it's really hard to stop trying. Stop trying to fit into that person you were trying to be, the person you decided to be, instead of doing it the other way around.
Just...
I don't know.
I feel like Mary is like that.
And I think some people in my class were being kind of harsh about her. I don't think they realized how hard she was trying. Because she's always going into these little sermon things in the book. Like, preaching a little. Trying to sound smart... philosophical. They ridiculed her about that a little. That's when I realized... in class... that she was a lot like me. That she was this kind of person, the kind I described. I think.
I mean, I don't like start preaching all of the time, like her.
But like... ok. This wasn't said in class, what I'm saying. Because I don't talk in class. That's probably partly why I got a B minus. Anyways. One thing my teacher said: "Mary is one of those people who has the curse of knowing what smart is, but isn't smart."
I turned that over in my head. Several times. I think... I'm like that too. Like, I know what I'd like to be. I know the things I should do, the people I should talk to, the things I should like... to be that person. But, I'm just not. I'm almost that person. But I'm a little different too, I think. And I know that because I'd have to try really hard if I were to be exactly that person. And that, that took me a long time to realize.
I could be wrong, but I think I know some other people like that. Like Mary. Like... me.
I don't... I don't know what I should say now.
I guess that's because that's all I had say.
Proud Mary. Proud, proud Mary.
No, not that Mary.
Not even that Mary.
No, the Mary in Pride and Prejudice.
Proud Mary. Proud, proud Mary. Reminds me of the song, Proud Mary.
She...
she is one of those people.
One of those people who... I don't know. Has a picture in their mind of what they think they are. And then they try to fit in to being that person. Instead of just... being. They go backwards. Instead of being and going from there, they try to fit into something they created. They be that person, that they want to be.
Well. Maybe I'm getting off topic. I haven't even read most of the book. I'm like, 10 chapters behind the rest of the class. I don't know if Jane Austen thought that about Mary. But, from what other people in the class said about her, and from what I've read, it seems like she's like that, to me.
Because... I know that kind of person. I definitely know that kind of person. I wrote a ficlet about it. (http://ficlets.com/stories/48914#review-107919 if you're interested)
I used to be like that, in a way. I guess. Just.
I don't know.
I know that when a person is like that, they can't really tell. They're usually... confused. Trying to figure out "who they are." Trying to "be themself." They feel like they're failing.
And you know why?
Because they're trying too hard.
Just stop.
Stop trying. Ok?
It sounds really stupid. And hard. Because yeah, it's really hard to stop trying. Stop trying to fit into that person you were trying to be, the person you decided to be, instead of doing it the other way around.
Just...
I don't know.
I feel like Mary is like that.
And I think some people in my class were being kind of harsh about her. I don't think they realized how hard she was trying. Because she's always going into these little sermon things in the book. Like, preaching a little. Trying to sound smart... philosophical. They ridiculed her about that a little. That's when I realized... in class... that she was a lot like me. That she was this kind of person, the kind I described. I think.
I mean, I don't like start preaching all of the time, like her.
But like... ok. This wasn't said in class, what I'm saying. Because I don't talk in class. That's probably partly why I got a B minus. Anyways. One thing my teacher said: "Mary is one of those people who has the curse of knowing what smart is, but isn't smart."
I turned that over in my head. Several times. I think... I'm like that too. Like, I know what I'd like to be. I know the things I should do, the people I should talk to, the things I should like... to be that person. But, I'm just not. I'm almost that person. But I'm a little different too, I think. And I know that because I'd have to try really hard if I were to be exactly that person. And that, that took me a long time to realize.
I could be wrong, but I think I know some other people like that. Like Mary. Like... me.
I don't... I don't know what I should say now.
I guess that's because that's all I had say.
Proud Mary. Proud, proud Mary.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Don't Wait
You know? I don't believe I'll ever be fully ok. Like, how some people believe... once I'm done with this... once I'm done with that... then I'll be fine
.
I don't believe that.
At least, I don't believe that for me.
And I'm kind of starting to be ok with that.
I think... I don't know.
The thought is like... just out of grasp.
Maybe... if everything is real quiet... just give me a second... ok.
Ok.
So.
Here is the thing.
I'll never be done.
You know, the day you've been hoping for... where you'll be completely fine, you'll know exactly who you are, you'll be self-actualized?
That's never going to happen to me. Don't tell me it is. If I know one thing about myself- it's that.
Because I'd never be satisfied. Of course.
I'll never be done.
Because if I was... I'd be done doing something we all know no one is ever done with... and that's changing.
Of course.
So- I just have one more thing to say.
Please, please, don't wait around for that moment. Even if you're not like me- even if someday you think you will be perfectly fine- don't wait for that. Don't wait.
I'm probably not in any position to be giving advice, but that's never stopped me before.
Actually, it has.
But it's not now.
Sooo yeah-
I'm not waiting.
And even if you're not like me,
I don't think you should wait either.
Come on, let's be non-waiters together.
Let's go on adventures, let's take risks, let's be imperfect together.
Let's love it.
Let's actually have fun not waiting.
Let's live.
You wanna come?
.I don't believe that.
At least, I don't believe that for me.
And I'm kind of starting to be ok with that.
I think... I don't know.
The thought is like... just out of grasp.
Maybe... if everything is real quiet... just give me a second... ok.
Ok.
So.
Here is the thing.
I'll never be done.
You know, the day you've been hoping for... where you'll be completely fine, you'll know exactly who you are, you'll be self-actualized?
That's never going to happen to me. Don't tell me it is. If I know one thing about myself- it's that.
Because I'd never be satisfied. Of course.
I'll never be done.
Because if I was... I'd be done doing something we all know no one is ever done with... and that's changing.
Of course.
So- I just have one more thing to say.
Please, please, don't wait around for that moment. Even if you're not like me- even if someday you think you will be perfectly fine- don't wait for that. Don't wait.
I'm probably not in any position to be giving advice, but that's never stopped me before.
Actually, it has.
But it's not now.
Sooo yeah-
I'm not waiting.
And even if you're not like me,
I don't think you should wait either.
Come on, let's be non-waiters together.
Let's go on adventures, let's take risks, let's be imperfect together.
Let's love it.
Let's actually have fun not waiting.
Let's live.
You wanna come?
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