Pleasing People

I'm sorry Keegan, the only reason I say it is because... I tiptoe. Yah. Tiptoe. Whenever I'm around my parents. I'm walking on... um.. something fragile. I can't make a mistake, or everything will crumble. I can't fall, make one wrong move, say one wrong thing. They just don't see through the same lense as me. They view me differently than I view myself, so they expect me to be something different than I expect from myself. That's not completely their fault. I don't know whose fault that is. But in a way, it's kind of mine.

I tiptoe a lot. See, all my life, I've wanted to please people. I've tried to please people. I've kept a lot to myself, theres been a lot I've wanted to say, but I haven't. Because, man this is hard to explain. I think you're getting the wrong picture. The picture of someone who wants to please other people by being like them, doing what they say, keeping things to themselves so as not to upset other people. That picture is not me.

That picture is too simple, too cliche. Though I am cliche, in a way. Hm. maybe only I see that. I see a lot. A lot more than I let on. I keep it to myself. I'm not sure why.

Anyway, I try to please people. I become what they want me to be, in a way. I don't mean like peer pressure or whatever. I just mean, I'll become a listener if they want me to. I'll become that quiet girl, or the silly one laughing at everything, or the fall-back friend. More like I become what people have expected me to be, what I have become in their mind. It's simpler that way. I just, I want them to be happy, I want them to know I want them to be happy, but I don't want them to know how much I tried to make them happy.

In a way I'm a manipulator.

Add that to the list of bad things I am.

I think that's what I meant when I said I think a lot. You know? When I said that in the hotel room on the east coast trip, and then I think I said it on my blog a while ago.

Everything I'm saying right here, about pleasing people, and being what they want me to be, this all comes second-nature. It's subconscious. I'm just now beginning to realize it myself. That's why it's jumbled, and my thoughts aren't in the right order. It's exactly how it came out of my mind. [minus a few points I decided to take out. for my own reasons]

I'm going to ask a selfish favor. Just, if you have any thoughts, please say them. Not only on this post. On my blog in general. If you're reading my blog and you think you have something to add, please do. It doesn't have to make sense, it doesn't have to be related to the current topic at all, just anything you really thought. I just, I kind of want to know that I'm not completely crazy, and you haven't given up on my just yet.

Told you what I was gonna ask was selfish.