there's honestly no point in having this anymore

"you smell just like Christmas"

Hi. Hello blog, how are you. Long time no see. I'm a little rusty.

I'm blogging again because Aren, my awesome blogger friend, said I should, and because I'm probably going to be staying home all day and since I've started posting on other websites I've been neglecting too (flickr, ficly) I thought maybe I should here too.

It's 13 hours and 46 minutes into 2010, and basically all I've done is sit in front of the computer, eat, text, and sleep. Great way to bring in the new year.

ok I'm really really rusty with this whole blogging thing... I'm not sure I even remember how to.

What do I want in 2010?

Truthfully, I'm scared to make my expectations too high. I think I just want to let happen what ever happens. I don't know. Maybe... do instead of think about doing. Does that make sense?

These past couple months have been stressful and crazy with a bunch of different things going on... but also pretty amazing. Some pretty awesome things have happened that I've been waiting for forever basically. And that's all I have to say about that =]

This winter break has been such a relief. Like, everything making my life stressful and crazy and busy all the time stopped for these two weeks, and it was like I could finally breath, you know? So basically this break I've been doing almost nothing productive, watching a ton of doctor who and random movies on the internet, spending too much time on the computer, staying up late and sleeping in, and spending time with the people I want to spend time with.

Oh! Also for christmas I got a new camera that's really super awesome so I've been taking a ton of pictures.

Also I got my hair dyed a while ago, like this really dark redish almost purpley color. It didn't turn out really how I wanted it to, but I liked it nonetheless. Since then it's faded into the color that I originally wanted it to be though... (like closer to brownish red instead of blackish red) so maybe the guy that did it knew that would happen. Or maybe I'm just lucky =D

You know what I love? Udon. Like I just can't get enough udon. Probably my all time favorite food ever. Closely followed by indian food and chow mein (but not together of course) and then spagetti. I'm going to stop talking about food now. It's kind of making me hungry.

I've started driving. I'm a little late, I've been 16 since August, but better late than never I guess. I got my permit near the end of October, and since then I've driven with my dad in the Rose Bowl parking lot, but I hadn't actually driven in the streets or anything until I had a lesson with a driving instructor last week. So basically she drove down from my house (because where I live is really hilly and curvy and not good for someone who's never driven before) and then pulled over and we changed seats. I was so scared- probably unreasonably scared, for like the first 5 minutes driving on the actual road. But it's weird, after those first moments my fear completely went away. I'm actually kind of excited for the next lesson =D

You know what soundtrack I can't get over? The 500 Days of Summer soundtrack. I got it in the summer when it first came out (well, George burned it for me) and since then I've been obsessed. Every song is so good by itself but they still go well together as a whole. They're so different from each other but they go so well together. I just love it. Also, the Paper Heart soundtrack. I've had it on repeat all day. I love that one too.

I think for me 2009 was a music discovery year (along with other things). I came across and found a lot of music and the amount that I knew kind of exploded. Don't you just love when that happens? I love it. And it's not hard... music is like everywhere if you're looking.

Some pictures

-People-

George

family

friends

-taken by me-

-experiments-

Abbey

Kelly

me

all I know

I'm hurting and I miss you and everything is going so fast and it's scaring me and I don't have time to breath or to think and I think something is wrong with me and I can't get past this and I'm always like this and I don't think I know an inbetween between happy and sad and I'm confused all of the time and my head hurts and my legs hurt and I don't know why I can't just not be like this and I don't know what's wrong and I need things to just stop and I need things to make sense in my head for just once and everything needs to stop spinning and all I know is I MISS YOU like crazy

I miss you

no time to catch up, need to keep up

I'm getting lost in the music.
in the craziness of times like these.
tons of stress and no free time.
people. old friends, new faces.
lots and lots of new faces.
changes. new replacing old.
a never ending whirlwind of crazy, busy times.
no time to catch up, need to keep up.
colors and faces and places
and music.
only stopping when you hear the music.
and the the happiness you give me,
making me stop and feel,
making me stop and listen
to the music.
I'm getting lost in it





but I like it there

sometimes,

my heart hurts a little

The Way the Night Works

I explained how the night works to Amy at lunch today.

See, there's that period where you get tired. It's different for different people, but for me it's usually around 11:30. For people who go to bed earlier, it's earlier for them. That's when people generally go to sleep, or are supposed to. During the tired time period.

But then, after a certain point, you're not tired anymore. Or at least I'm not. You get sleepier and sleepier, but then as you kind of get used to not being asleep... you just stop being tired. And you're almost wide awake. It's so weird. For me, this time varies. Sometimes it's around 1, sometimes later. Today it's early, right now it's like 12:20. Actually, I never got tired today... maybe it's because of the caffeine. I'll probably crash sometime soon tonight. ANYWAYS.

And then after that period... if you stay up really late... you get to the surreal period. (anyone who's pulled an all-nighter or almost-all-nighter knows what this is like I think). I think this normally happens around 4, maybe a little earlier (or later...). It's where nothing feels real anymore. Like you look around and you're like... what am I doing? But then you just keep doing it because... well. Just because. For different reasons. Really, I mean, let's say you're doing homework. The restrictions or guidelines for whatever your doing start to become like... blurred. You allow more to go into your paper or project... and it either ends up improved or not making sense. If you're reading... your whole world kind of becomes the world of your book because the world your in is asleep... so much so that when you look up from your book you're a little dizzy.

See... you kind of just go from being normal (tired because it's night) to not so normal (not tired in the middle of the night) to kind of insane (making stuff up in your head)

So. That's the way the night works.

you should beware... half of what I say is usually me making up stuff and improvising in my rambling. it's all true and relevant to me... but may have no truth or validity in your life.

"Volcanic Vehemence"

"I know no medium: I never in my life have known any medium in my dealings with positive submission and determined revolt. I have always faithfully observed the one, up to the very moment of bursting, sometimes with volcanic vehemence, into the other; and as neither present circumstances warranted, nor my present mood inclined me to mutiny"
-Jane Eyre

man, that's like, my LIFE right there