Wiping off makeup, laughing at the sky

How come I'm so honest with you? I really... trust you. I hope you know.

Like, I don't think you get it. I don't think you get how much it... it helps.



I'm trying not to say too much here. I'm trying to not add fluff to make it sound pretty, like I always do. I'm trying not to make stuff up. You get what I mean, I think.



Just... yeah.

I just wanted to say that.
I think this may be a thanks.

Red Lipstick and White Chocolate, Grey Tights and Overcast skies

"Can I keep you?"
-Casper

"Do not consider me now as an elegant female, intending to plague you, but as a rational creature, speaking the truth from her heart"
-Pride and Prejudice

"every view was pointed out with a minuteness which left beauty entirely behind"
-Pride and Prejudice

"I certainly have not the talent which some people possess, of conversing easily with those I have never seen before. I cannot catch their tone of conversation, or appear interested in their concerns, as I often see done."
-Pride and Prejudice

"Miss Darcy looked as if she wished for courage enough to join in it; and sometimes did venture a short sentence when there was least danger of its being heard"
-Pride and Prejudice

"Elizabeth, agitated and confused, rather knew that she was happy, than felt herself to be so"
-Pride and Prejudice

“Gratiano: You look not well, Signior Antonio;
You have too much respect upon the world.
They lose it that do buy it with much care:
Believe me, you are marvellously changed.
Antonio: I hold the world but as the world, Gratiano;
A stage, where every man must play a part,
And mine a sad one.”
-The Merchant of Venice

“Christ what I wouldn’t give to live through an era where pop music, youth culture, social change & some intelligent ideals went arm in arm, tongue on tongue together. Did one ever exist? Can I create one? Do I need anything more than energy & a photocopier. I want to create a band that people will be sorry to miss, and obliged to adore. The Smiths had a special power. As did the Roses, the Jam, and, according to taste, many others. Something very English - imagine having melody, range, emotion, something to say and wear that attracts, interests and informs even instructs those that buy your records & mouth your words. I want to have a crack before I outgrow this youthful urge to be worshipped….”
-Peter Doherty, journal entry from 1999.


"To share the same space for a minute or two"
-Talking Heads

"I'll give him that blissful oblivion, I bet I can make the room spin"
-Lauren Fairweather

"Isn't it funny how some people have problems with freedom?"
-Mrs. Hunnewell

"Cause rain drops will hide my teardrops and no one will ever know, that I’m crying"
-The Temptations

"I don’t mind living in a man’s world as long as I can be a woman in it."
-Marilyn Monroe



"best thing I know is to do exactly what you want for a while"
-Roman Holiday



"You've got a lovely way with words, must be the way you see the world"
-The Virgins

clickable circles and squares

Ridiculously Happy Times

Eating chocolate cake on the kitchen floor at midnight with my sister, laughing our asses off and falling on top of each other the whole time... it doesn't get much better than that.

Tired of serious things.
Exhausted actually.


Let's break the rules.

=D

Books and Toast and Other Things

"'Look at that. Look at all those people. They look like ants. Sometimes I get the feeling that's all we are- ants. Do you ever feel that way?'
'Sometimes'
'I told it to my father once.'
'What did he say?'
'He didn't say anything. I told you, he never talks to me except when we study. But a few days later, while we were studying, he said that man was created by God, and Jews had a mission in life.'
'What mission is that?'
'To obey God.'
'Don't you believe that?'
'Sure I believe it. Sometimes I'm not sure I know what God wants though.'
'That's a funny thing for you to say.'
'Isn't it? I've never said that to anyone before.'"
-The Chosen

"I had lived in it all my life, but I never really saw it until I went through it that Friday afternoon"-The Chosen

"It's awful to have someone give you an image like that of yourself"-The Chosen

"There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of merit or sense."-Pride and Prejudice

"'Your defect is a propensity to hate everybody.'
'And yours, is wilfully to misunderstand them'"
-Pride and Prejudice"

Both, for I have always seen a great similarity in the turn of our minds. We are each of an unsocial, taciturn disposition, unwilling to speak, unless we expect to say something that will amaze the whole room, and be handed down to posterity with all the eclat of a proverb."
-Pride and Prejudice

"When someone sees the same people every day, as had happened with him at the seminary, they wind up becoming a part of that person's life. And then they want the person to change. If someone isn't what others want them to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own."-The Alchemist

“We live in this culture where everything is supposed to be so hip and so cool, and it’s not cool to love, and it’s not cool to take care of each other, and it’s not cool to stand up for ourselves. But you know what? Fuck all of that. I believe in love, and I believe that the only way that we are going to survive this fucking craziness that’s going on in our world today is if we just learn to look at love, turn our heads the other way from all the bullshit, and fucking love.”
-Andrew McMahon

“When I was a girl, my life was music that was always getting louder. Everything moved me. A dog following a stranger. That made me feel so much. A calendar that showed the wrong month. I could have cried over it. I did. Where the smoke from a chimney ended. How an overturned bottle rested at the edge of a table. I spent my life learning to feel less. Every day I felt less. Is that growing old? Or is it something worse? You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”
— Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

"The world is hungry to hear about ideas"
-Monsignor

"I know if I feel this sad, then I'm alive"
-Sarah (sarahtheteenager)

"The thing I love most about life is you don't know where it's gonna go"
-Alex Day

"It's because it's not easy to tell a story that makes sense"
-John Green

I love Sunday mornings like these. The ones where I wake up in yesterday's clothes and Breakfast with the Beatles is on in the kitchen, where there is actually some beakfast-y food cooking (rare in this house). The whole house is loud from the sounds in the kitchen, and I can hear it from my room when I wake up. These only come around once in a while.
I love it because they don't change. Because no matter how different my life was last time one of these mornings came around, this is the same.

Becuase I apparently like offending people and being difficult...

My parents are Catholic. My aunts and uncles for the most part are either Catholic or Christian. I go to a Catholic school. I used to go to a Christian school. I go to a Catholic church. Most of the people in my life, are Christian.

Basically all of my life, I've been told about God. Not just any god, a certain kind. The Christian God. I was brought up to believe in this Christian God.

But... here's the thing. Here is, what I think. I think that what someone believes in is more personal than a religion and generalizing it to make it fit into a religion just doesn't really work.

I mean, it may work for some. Some people I'm sure can be stronger than this. Maybe I'm just not being strong, maybe I'm giving up. If that's the case, I'm not doing anything to stop it now.

Ok... this isn't working. We have to start at the beginning, the beginning for me. The beginning is 4th grade. 4th grade is when I started going to a Christian school. There is where I was "saved," if you believe in that. I believed it at the time. Right there, in Mrs. Gower's class. Yeah, Mrs. Gower. I know some people hate her.

And in 4th grade, is where I also decided I didn't want to be Catholic anymore. Maybe it was the reason I fooled myself into believing: that I never really became religious at all until I went to a Christian school, so I wanted to only be Christian, not Catholic too. But... maybe it was because my friends weren't. Maybe it was because of what we had learned about the original split. Maybe it was because of the stupid accusations I always heard coming from a certain little 4th grader in my class named Josh. Maybe... maybe I didn't want to be the stereotype everyone in my class seemed to believe at the time, even though I knew it wasn't true.

Yeah, that's right, the little 4th grader me bent to that kind of stuff. Oh well.

Thing is, as I got older, I never went back. In 8th grade, I just got sick of people asking me all of the time, so I gave everyone different answers. Yeah, so if you talked about my religion with me in 8th grade, chances are I lied to you at some point. Sorry.

Now in 9th grade, things are kind of changing. Really, a bunch of things are happening at once. A whole load of different information and opinions were kind of presented to me throughout the last semester... which is just the kind of thing I love. But it's also a little disconcerting.

On the one hand, my view had already started changing, to what I said at the beginning of this post. But on the other hand, I've kind of started to really appreciate Catholicism sooo much more. Like, I've learned more about it, in and outside of school.

But mostly... I've met some really amazing people. Really just... amazing, awesome, and yes, Catholic, people. It's like... there are two different forces pulling me in different directions. Like, if all of these people are this, if they all believe in this, they can't all be wrong, right? If they are this strong... there has to be something to it. Something substantial.

But on the other hand... something, else. I don't know. Just, something. Maybe it's some other people I know, or know about. Or maybe it's just some things I've gone through over and over in my head that just... make a whole lot more sense. Maybe it's that stubborn person in me who has always despised, to the point of ridiculousness, being like other people. Maybe it's the wrong choice. But it's the choice I... I'm close to making.

Thing is... there are all of these things that my mind puts into trying to decide... this. Whatever this is. I'm not sure what I'm deciding here.

I think what I need to do is take away all of the other factors. But when I do... it's like I have nothing left. Just... nothing. I'm trying to figure out who this "I" person is, what this "I" person should do... and "I" have a big, fat question mark. I just come back to... images. Of people, of places, of everything that is... that has made me. If that makes sense.

Like one thing people typically ask when trying to "help" someone like me is "well, what do you actually believe? What do you think?" But... I don't know. That's what I'm trying to say. I have no idea, no clue. I draw from other people... other things... but that doesn't work. I just... have. no. clue.

I think...

I think I don't want a name. I don't want to be in a group. Whether it be Catholic, Christian, Atheist, Agnostic, Jewish, Buddhist, Hindu... or anything else. I'm not saying I'm rejecting all belief, I'm not saying I'm objecting to religion... I'm saying... I don't know what I'm saying.

But I'm not rejecting anything right now.

That's all I had to say on the subject.

I have one other dilemma though:
Ok, so I kind of have a list in my head of things and people I'd like to "pray" for. Like, how I used to when I was sure about things. I used to just sit and close my eyes and just... talk in my head to God.

Now, I feel guilty doing that. Like, I don't know what I believe, honestly. So I feel guilty, like I'm only asking something from a ghost.
I don't get how to explain it. Like I want to "pray"... but I don't know how anymore.

I mean... what do you do when you can't even figure out what you believe?

Obligation

I kind of want out.

I kind of don't want to be tied down anymore.

I'm tired of having to say the right thing. I'm tired of having to not say things. I'm tired of having to make sure I do nothing that might even hint at something directed towards you.

I'm scared of saying this, and think that you might think this is about you.

It's not about a person. It's about an idea. It's about something that I somehow am attached to that, I want to be free from.

I have an obligation towards you. To tell you everything I say, everything I do. To make sure that you're all updated on everything.

I have an obligation towards you. To make you feel welcomed. To make you feel important, special. Like you matter. To make sure you don't get hurt. To lie to you so that you feel ok.

I have an obligation towards you. To clean up after you, before people notice. To make sure you are all pretty and polished and ready for the world.

I have many obligations to things and people and just... you. You big ugly monster. Responsibility.

I... want to cut the ties. I want to break... away. I want out.

There is this song by The Monkees called "I Wanna be Free." One time when I was [considerably] younger, I was listening to it in the car with my dad, and he said, "wow, he's being kind of selfish. Kind of whiny." It's true. He is. And I'm being just like him, him in the song. Different situations, but same feeling.

It's true.

I just... want out. Out of all of these invisible obligations.