Pleasing People

I'm sorry Keegan, the only reason I say it is because... I tiptoe. Yah. Tiptoe. Whenever I'm around my parents. I'm walking on... um.. something fragile. I can't make a mistake, or everything will crumble. I can't fall, make one wrong move, say one wrong thing. They just don't see through the same lense as me. They view me differently than I view myself, so they expect me to be something different than I expect from myself. That's not completely their fault. I don't know whose fault that is. But in a way, it's kind of mine.

I tiptoe a lot. See, all my life, I've wanted to please people. I've tried to please people. I've kept a lot to myself, theres been a lot I've wanted to say, but I haven't. Because, man this is hard to explain. I think you're getting the wrong picture. The picture of someone who wants to please other people by being like them, doing what they say, keeping things to themselves so as not to upset other people. That picture is not me.

That picture is too simple, too cliche. Though I am cliche, in a way. Hm. maybe only I see that. I see a lot. A lot more than I let on. I keep it to myself. I'm not sure why.

Anyway, I try to please people. I become what they want me to be, in a way. I don't mean like peer pressure or whatever. I just mean, I'll become a listener if they want me to. I'll become that quiet girl, or the silly one laughing at everything, or the fall-back friend. More like I become what people have expected me to be, what I have become in their mind. It's simpler that way. I just, I want them to be happy, I want them to know I want them to be happy, but I don't want them to know how much I tried to make them happy.

In a way I'm a manipulator.

Add that to the list of bad things I am.

I think that's what I meant when I said I think a lot. You know? When I said that in the hotel room on the east coast trip, and then I think I said it on my blog a while ago.

Everything I'm saying right here, about pleasing people, and being what they want me to be, this all comes second-nature. It's subconscious. I'm just now beginning to realize it myself. That's why it's jumbled, and my thoughts aren't in the right order. It's exactly how it came out of my mind. [minus a few points I decided to take out. for my own reasons]

I'm going to ask a selfish favor. Just, if you have any thoughts, please say them. Not only on this post. On my blog in general. If you're reading my blog and you think you have something to add, please do. It doesn't have to make sense, it doesn't have to be related to the current topic at all, just anything you really thought. I just, I kind of want to know that I'm not completely crazy, and you haven't given up on my just yet.

Told you what I was gonna ask was selfish.

Decisions

Decisions scare me. They scare the crap out of me. I'm not as worried of making the wrong decisions, as what will happen as a result of my decisions. But I'm most scared of making decisions that other people won't like. Well, that my parents won't like. Because they might not be according to plan, they might not be logical, they might not be what seems like the right decision to them. And when they want an explanation, I can't give them one. I take one look at their faces, and immediatly regret it, or change my mind. Anything than having to expalin myself. And I'm not sure why. It just scares me so fucking much.

No one is forcing you to read this. if you think I'm being stupid, just don't read it.

I feel really stupid about posting this, but I'm going to anyway. I'm overreacting, but I told Sachi that this is the place where I could say whatever was on my mind without being interupted. So I'm going to do that. Even though I'm overreacting. I'm not forcing anyone to read it if they don't want.

I am so mad right now. and confused, and sad, and just, really hurt.

God. I can't even... ugh.

If you had done anything else, called me fat, stupid, ugly, slutty, ANYTHING else. Just, not what you did. If people don't trust me, if my friends can't trust me, I have nothing.

Do you really hate me that much? Where the hell did you get that idea anyway?

I'm probably making a big deal about something not that big, but it seems kind of big to me. If I lose my friends, then I will have nothing left. I need them. You have no idea how much I love them, and how much I miss them.

And if they really thought I said something bad about them, I wouldn't blame them for leaving me.

But I didn't. God, I didn't. And I never said anything bad to you either. I don't know who "anonymous" was, but it wasn't me.

And, "she might have said that"

oh my god. That almost killed me.

Camp, Haters, Classes, and Baby Steps

Um. So. Camp started on Monday. It's fun. I'm in Steve's group, senior outpost. But I don't think any of you know what that means, so... yah. Nevermind. We don't have a name yet. It's gonna be awesome though.

So, Becca is in my group, so that's cool. But Alex isn't going this session =[=[. So this other girl started hanging out with me and Becca. (grammar's wrong. oops. oh well.) She's pretty cool. But, I don't know. They keep singing. The same songs. Over and over. It's kind of annoying. And then I kind of overheard them talking about how they hate cheerleaders and ballerinas. (I don't think they knew I was listening.) It was kind of... upsetting. I mean, god, there is so much more to ballet then the general public knows, you know? And same with cheer, I'm sure. It just bugs me that they automatically hate them, this stereotype of girls twirling in tutus. Ballet is so hard. I mean, you guys who know me, you've heard me complaining over and over? Right?

I really don't like haters.

I got my classes for Sacred Heart! ok:
Biology,
Theatre 1,
PE/Health,
Honors Geometry,
Catholic Christianity (first semester),
Ethnics/Morality (second semester),
Advanced English 1,
Latin 1

No dance =[ I think they ran out of space or it didn't work with my classes or something. Oh well, I'm excited for theatre!! I was kind of hoping I would get theatre actually... shhh don't tell

umm what else. I've been going to bed too late I think. I mean, it was ok when I didn't have to get up early and do a lot of activity the next day. But now I have camp all day and then dance at night. So I should probably go to bed earlier than 2. *gasp*

Maybe I'll go to bed at sometime before 1 tonight. baby steps, baby steps...

I'm sorry if my language offends...

fuck it. fuck all of it.

selfish selfish selfish

I want it to mean something. I want to mean something. I want someone to mean the world to me. I want to care.

Sometimes I cry too hard. Sometimes it hurts so bad, but I don't know what, or why. I feel like it's right there in front of me, but I can't reach. And I'll always be in that state; always reaching, never actually knowing.

I have so much. And I still cry. And I hate myself for it. I'm so selfish, always wanting something. God, just read it. "I want, I want, I want." never satified. When you get to know me, you really have no idea what you're getting into. Selfish and moody. It's not really worth it.

"Graceless in the state of grace"

"getting what you want is fine, it's alright. And if you feel so inclined, then let's fight. Everyone has things they hide, deep inside. But I have nothing but my pride, as my guide."

"I'd like to know, do you think of me? Because I think of you, in everything I do"

"My favorite thing, about my voice, is that I can turn it off, cause I have that choice."

"The greatest thing, about the Hollywood sky, is it's the brightest stars, you can see at night. Reflected back, and rearranged, from then till now, they are unchanged."

how cool do I feel that my cousin was in a band that wrote lyrics like this?

oh so cool.

So yes, we saw Hancock Friday night. It was fun. And then today I had nothing to do, so I asked people on plurk if they wanted to see a movie. So we saw WallE. And then my sister wanted to see Hancock, so later I saw that with her. lol the waitress recongized us a Islands.

"The girl's a crossing guard, the boy's a motorway"

Kelly and I were making cookies, but then we decided to make it into one big cookie-cake thing. And it's awesome.

"Never think that thinking's, the trick to being complete. Never hug yourself, and never admit defeat. never stay neglected, and never say never."

So apparently the next movie marathon is going to be at my house at night. On the big screne and projector outside.

"being me is pretty sad, I'm dead weight. but if you would only smile, I'd wake up. And if you wanna stay a while, we'll break up"

By the way these lyrics, -------> "Through everything, that I've been taught, I've never had, an original thought." Story of my life.