Don't Wait

You know? I don't believe I'll ever be fully ok. Like, how some people believe... once I'm done with this... once I'm done with that... then I'll be fine.

I don't believe that.
At least, I don't believe that for me.

And I'm kind of starting to be ok with that.

I think... I don't know.
The thought is like... just out of grasp.
Maybe... if everything is real quiet... just give me a second... ok.

Ok.
So.

Here is the thing.
I'll never be done.

You know, the day you've been hoping for... where you'll be completely fine, you'll know exactly who you are, you'll be self-actualized?
That's never going to happen to me. Don't tell me it is. If I know one thing about myself- it's that.
Because I'd never be satisfied. Of course.

I'll never be done.
Because if I was... I'd be done doing something we all know no one is ever done with... and that's changing.

Of course.

So- I just have one more thing to say.
Please, please, don't wait around for that moment. Even if you're not like me- even if someday you think you will be perfectly fine- don't wait for that. Don't wait.

I'm probably not in any position to be giving advice, but that's never stopped me before.
Actually, it has.
But it's not now.

Sooo yeah-
I'm not waiting.
And even if you're not like me,
I don't think you should wait either.

Come on, let's be non-waiters together.
Let's go on adventures, let's take risks, let's be imperfect together.
Let's love it.
Let's actually have fun not waiting.
Let's live.

You wanna come?

4 1/2 Topics.

Visiting.

It's 3:44 AM, December 31, 2008. I just read/scimmed through all the way back to my first post. It's... odd. Going back and seeing my old self. Especially seeing her... back in July. July and August I think. Back when she wrote a lot of those "serious" posts. It was interesting. I felt like I was going back and shaking her hand, looking her in the eye, and saying "I definitely know what you mean."

Really, that's what it feels like. I feel like I can see directly eye-to-eye with her, and even though she wasn't getting her thoughts out clearly at all, I know what she was saying. There is an understanding. But I could see the difference too. It was so clear, so so so so clear. I'm different than her. Just a few months, and I feel so different. Visiting those old feelings... I could almost smile. They are still true, still relevant, but... I don't know. I just... I felt like I really was looking her in eyes, the girl, the old me, who wrote those, and having a conversation with her.

It cleared some things up.


Future.

So... I really don't know what I'm doing with my life. I just know... one thing.

I'm leaving. I just... I want to go. Leave. Start over, in a new place. A new state. Maybe even a new country. I don't want to stay here.

And, I don't picture myself staying in one place. I mean, maybe once I like, get married and have a family and all of that stuff I'll stay in one place. But before that... I want to go places. I want to go all over. Not necessarily all over the world, but all over the country, definitely.

This isn't rational or anything. I don't know where I'd get the money. But I could just... picture myself moving around. Not settling in one spot for too long.

Now, I have no idea if that's gonna happen. It's just... what I could see. I don't know. It's just a crazy... picture I have in my head. Because I do, I actually have a picture... in my head.

I just know that... I'm already sick of high school. All of the little things everyone seems to worry about. That seem so irrelevant, once you leave high school. I can't wait to just leave. Get over that.


Pills

I hate pills. For some reason, I always feel like throwing up after I swallow one.

I've been sick. I've actually been better the past like, two days though. We went ice skating, which was fun.

My voice sounds odd, but I actually kind of like it like this. I think no one else agrees with me though. (except maybe George)

Missing/Remembering

I miss some people. In different ways. Some feelings... I'm kind of just now... digging up I guess.

First is easiest: you guys. I mean, I know I just saw you guys. I'm just going to miss this past year. I already miss seeing you guys everyday at school, because I don't anymore. I've gotten used to the way things are now, but I think sometimes reminding myself how much I actually miss you guys is important. I don't know why.

Um. next. harder.
Um. An old friend... I just kind of miss an old friend. Like, it was years ago, but sometimes I still miss them. Miss the closeness, I guess.

Next.
I miss my uncle. Thinking about heaven and hell always reminds me of how scared I was for him when I was younger... at his funeral. And it reminds me of how mad I used to get at God. Still do, actually. Part of the reason I'm so... conflicted.
And I keep remembering my grandparents. My dad's parents. I remember wishing I could have gotten to know them better, because of how amazing everyone says they were.


Family is important. Whether blood related or not, family is important. I take that for granted, I don't really think about my [big] family much. But I've kind of been remembering important things... lately.


There. Four and a half topics for you, fleshed out a little by me. I started writing this just because I wanted to do a blog post, but didn't know what to write. It's now 4:12 AM December 31, 2008. This year will be over soon. It was a... big year for me. I hope you had a good time too. I hope you learned some things, and I hope you remembered some things. I hope you didn't throw it away. I hope 2009 will be a year to remember... I hope for the best. For all of you.

Now, I really should be going to sleep.

so tired.

I'm so tired of you acting like it's all my fault.

I don't care how sick you are... it doesn't give you the right to treat everyone around you like crap.

I'm so tired of you not listening to me. I'm so tired no one around here listening to me.

I'm so tired of all of this.

I went outside. Even after I turned off the camera... I wished the tape hadn't ended. Because I wanted to stay out there longer. I wanted to stay out there for hours and hours and hours. Because I'm so tired of all of this. I wanted to leave. I love you, but I wanted to leave. Not just this. Everything.

Staying out there would be much easier.

Way Back When

Way back when... back in those Crestview days. Even the first couple of years at PCS. Way back when...

The people I used to know. The schedule I used to follow. The things I used to do, the things I used to believe.

Oh my god... wow

The Conservatory.
Those white walls... white, quiet walls. You'd understand what I mean if you'd been there. Maybe you have, I don't know.

I remember the first time I went there, to meet Phillip, and for my first class. I was in, what was it, 2nd grade? I think so. I was scared that if I talked above a whisper in the hall that someone would appear out of no where and yell at me. The hall was always empty. And silent, except for the occasional violin or piano.

I haven't been there if over 3 years, but I remember it perfectly.
I loved that place.
Almost as much as I loved what I played.
still do, by the way

But it wasn't that kind of love that you might be thinking of. Like, a passion or anything. I wasn't even 12 years old. Some 11 year olds probably think like that... not me. ha, not me.

I miss Phillip.
And I miss Andrew.
And I miss that place.
This isn't a sad blog or anything though. I'm smiling =] Because sometimes you forget those feelings and vibes. Like, that you get at a certain place. A certain feel. It's cool to remember them again.

And, oh my god, I'm not even going to get started about the karate studio. Because that place is so loaded with stuff I could write about... yeah, no. And I'm not going to talk about LACC either. Or the armory. Or... anywhere else.

But... I don't know. This isn't for you, it's for me, so not knowing what I'm saying is ok. I kind of prefer it. Um... yeah. You can just discard this last paragraph. Why am I talking to someone? Saying "you"? I'm not talking to anyone. When I write these, I'm not talking to anyone. (except for a couple posts... but those, for the most part, it's pretty clear that I'm talking to someone. well. kind of clear.)

ANYWAYS. Just... that last paragraph... you can ignore that. ^^

I kind of... have a "thing" for places. Buildings, rooms. My whole life.

coffee doesn't go with candy canes *more has beed added... a lot more*

"English is a language that lurks in dark corners, beats up on other languages, and rifles through their pockets looking for spare vocabulary" -I don't know where it came from, but it's hanging in the latin room"

"We as humans can't be perfect unless we're dead" -latin teacher


"the unforunate part of learning is that it's embarassing" -latin teacher


"this is my favorite, I think it's the most beautiful molecule in the universe" -bio teacher


"we're all creatures of our context" -english teacher


"perversion of human nature" -english teacher


"aftificial affection" -english teacher


"I hate you because you can make pretty things with pens" -kelly


"really good literature asks more questions than it answers" -english teacher


"you can't assume anything in the English language" -latin teacher


"English has more acceptions then there are rules" -latin teacher


"If you had learned English as a second language, you would have a completely different understanding of how it worked" -latin teacher

"Living the life of a gentleman" -english teacher

"our stud is going to be an obese man" -sara

"Mary (from Pride and Prejudice) is one of those people who has the curse of knowing what it is to be smart, but isn't smart" -english teacher

"It's so much fun being a teacher, it's a contact sport really" -latin teacher

"empathy is a necessity for knowledge" -english teacher

"they don't have any sense of self-worth because they don't have anything to base it on" -english teacher


"I can see the courage in your eyes, right next to the absolute fear" -Chris Stefanick (he talked at this thing I went to Saturday night)

"I hate the word crowd, I love the word multitude" -Pope John Paul II

"Test everything, retain what is good" -somewhere in the bible


so... um...
what about the goats?
you're not supposed to get that, don't worry

Torn

This roller coaster is making me sick... I want to get off now

Up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down with no breaks in between.

I'm really happy... really excited... really optimistic... smiling... laughing... hugging . . . then comes the down part

I'm sad... I'm angry... I'm worried... I'm paranoid... I'm shaking... I'm crying... I'm second-guessing...

And it seems to never stop.

This isn't new, no, the new part is feeling sick about it.

Every time I feel the bad part coming...
I'm shaking, my throat blocks up, my stomach hurts, I feel like I'm going to puke, I don't want to eat

I'm nervous.

I'm so behind in school... I can't concentrate with all of this.
It's mostly in my head, but I live in my head.

I only have so many hands.

Finals.

a lot of late work...

It's 11:44
that's my time.
I don't know.

I think I just need to quit all of this for right now.

It's 11:45 now.

Anyways, just wanted to say, I don't think I should be hiding behind a different blog. I think everything I need to say I should be able to say on here.

because this isn't for anyone else.
this is for me.
I'm done monitoring what I say on here.

god, memememememememe.

do whatever you want.

Some Thoughts

Doubt... does it make you weaker or stronger?


You can never go back to ignorance.


One of the most important parts of education is learning how to learn.