I don't even know man

I guess graduating is just kind of weird.

Like I'm oddly sentimental right now and it's strange because I don't even really LIKE my class. Or like. I've never really thought of high school as something I've enjoyed. I just. I don't know. Like I'm going to puke. When the fuck did I change so much from when I started. Like I fucking grew up but I feel like a little kid. I mean I AM just a little kid, really. But I feel so much older than that naive little girl who used to write on this blog.

I don't really know how I'm supposed to feel. I can't stop feeling guilty. It's like I'm looking for things to be wrong. Honestly like all the time I just wanna be high so that these things will go away. Like I just fucking love weed and I wish I didn't have to sneak around so much to smoke it, that seems dumb to me. I just can't stop thinking about money and dependence and how no one seems to want to hire me and how I'm going to college for art but I feel like I'm gonna be wasting everyone's time and money and I don't know because I can't really trust my emotions anymore. And I can't stop thinking about food and how I hate it and how nothing ever changes. I just feel kind of numb and I really really want something to make me feel not numb anymore. I need to snap out of this because things are changing and I don't feel like I'm realizing that as much as I should be

I'm just whining ignore me

word vomit

I've been so absentminded lately.

Just kind of bored with everything.

Something needs to happen. I think. But if something did I probably wouldn't even notice, or like it.

It's like I don't even need ~substances~ to fuck myself up sometimes, but I do it anyway.

Cause I like it and fuck the ones who judge

I don't know where I'm going to be half a year from now, and that should probably scare me a little more. But I'm finding it hard to feel a lot of things currently. Or well. That's not really true at all. I don't know. Maybe just... fear?

Pierce said I was a space case and I got annoyed that he said that but I guess it's pretty fucking true.

You know, I'm actually in a pretty good mood right now.

This is usually the blog where I spend a long time writing and editing my posts, and where I write specifically about my life and it's happenings, you know, all the boring shit or whatever. Or not so boring shit. But you know, fuck it here's some word vomit for you now.

Christmas and Things

Hi. Let's skip the part where I say how bad I am about blogging regularly and jump right into the actual post, shall we?

So it's two days after Christmas and I'm sitting here in a towel (not even gonna lie), drinking some coffee and enjoying the empty house (for once). I definitely wouldn't be home if I had a car... but we'll get to that in a bit.

So far winter break has been an adventure. Mostly a good one. Started off the first night of break going on an actual adventure , trying to find a certain *event* in a sketch area of downtown LA with Pierce and Ian, kind of being followed by some cops, ending the evening at the Pantry, sleeping in my car (well trying to), and wandering around starbucks and petco at early hours of the morning with Pierce.

The rest of last week was just full of seeing family and friends and Pierce, some Christmas shopping and baking and just preparing for Christmas in general. Pretty low key, just relaxing you know. It's been nice. There's been a lot of tea and coffee involved. I do need my caffeine.

I've been making a lot of kandi! I think I'm getting pretty good at cuffs. My three year old neighbor saw mine in my room and wanted one so I made her a 3-year-old-sized mini cuff, it was pretty adorable. I should have gotten a picture of it.

Anyway so Christmas Eve and day were both... eventful. Christmas Eve was nice, my neighbor (the 3-year-old) came over and baked cookies with Kelly and I in the morning. She is the most adorable little girl... she legit looks like a pixar character. Big round eyes, roundish face, freckles, soft brown hair that like waves in just the right way, you know. She is so cute. It was so much fun.

And then later my family and I met up with some other families and we served dinner at this shelter like we do every year, which is always fun because the people there remember us from year to year, and they always get so happy. And then my family, just the four of us, actually sat down at a restaurant and all ate dinner together, which almost never happens. Which was nice.

Then later I picked up Pierce and we went to one of his family gatherings for a little bit. I really love his family, they're the nicest people. You know how when you meet someone's parents, that person starts to make more sense to you? Getting to know his parents over the past year (almost), it is SO true with Pierce. Just, so true. I don't know how to explain it.

Christmas morning was the same as always, my family sat by the tree and exchanged gifts. Then I went to pick up Pierce, and before I even got to the freeway, I got into a car accident. I don't really want to go into it, but basically I was an idiot. And I felt so bad... and now I don't have a car, which is why I'm sitting at home waiting for Ian and Pierce to pick me up later. But yeah. It was pretty bad. But it could have gone a lot worse if the other car had hit just a little farther back on the drivers' side, and I probably would be a lot more injured. So I'm just glad everyone is okay. But still... with expenses and insurance and everything... I'm just an idiot. But yeah. So that happened.

Anyway, the rest of Christmas was actually nice, apart from all the car crash jokes going around. We picked up Pierce and surprised my grampa, who thought he wasn't gonna see any of his family on Christmas. And then we went to my uncle's house for Christmas like we do every year, which again, was fun, apart from the car crash jokes. They mean it lovingly, haha.

Then we went back home and Pierce and I watched the long-awaited Doctor Who Christmas special! I thought it was... pretty good. Like it got really good in the last 10-15 minutes I feel like, but the rest was just okay. Adorable, but not great til the end. I don't know. It was very Christmas-y though.

Yesterday was fun, just chillin with Pierce and Ian and such. Today/tonight is probably going to be much of the same thing, which I'm looking forward to. We have a new spot that isn't the Crest, but is a mini-adventure to get to, I guess. I'll just leave it at that. Fun times, haha

This post has been long, so I'll cut it off here. I need to get better at blogging again, I feel like I probably just bored to death anyone who read this post. If you got through the whole thing, I congratulate you. You should let me know that you did :D

Stuck at the Crest, an Adventure

Just a little story time...

Pierce and I decided to take a drive up Angeles Crest last night, which we do a lot because it's close by. Angeles Crest is this highway that goes through the mountains, and driving through it, especially with the windows down and the music blasting, is such an awesome experience. Pierce and I go a lot, sometimes bringing along other people. But last night it was just us.

It was around 9 at night, and it was pretty cold and foggy, but the fog actually looked really cool up there, with the full moon and the wide open space just under us. We have this one turnout that we always go to, and it's pretty high up the Crest. Last night we decided to go and film some light show videos, but we were really dumb about it. Because for the videos we needed music... like my car radio... which means leaving the battery on... basically we're just idiots.

But okay. I swear it wasn't even on for that long. I've been with people who left their car batteries on for a lot longer than we did, and their cars were fine. We just... have really bad luck I guess.

So anyway we filmed a couple videos and then I turned the radio off and the car and took out the keys etc etc so the battery was definitely OFF for a long time. And we just chilled out there... and it was nice. Going to the Crest during the summer is one thing, but during the winter... whoa. It looked so cool. And it was just really peaceful, even though it was freezing cold.

But anyway at around 10 we decided to go back, and so we got in my car and got ready and stuff. But then, of course, my car doesn't start. It doesn't start multiple times. At first we thought the engine was cold, so we waited a bit and tried to like move the car in neutral towards the highway and away from the edge of the mountain, hoping that would help start the engine, but as we did that my headlights and the lights in the car started to dim and we realized oh fuck it's the battery. We're idiots. We drained the battery.

So immediately we turned the car off cause we figured that if the battery dies we're even more fucked, and tried to call someone to bring up jumper cables. But of course, we're in the mountains, and we have no service. So we were stuck in the mountains in the middle of December at 10 at night in heavy fog, freezing cold, with a car that won't start and no service to call.

We started waving people down on the highway. And we actually met some really nice people! No one could help us though. The big trucks that drove by definitely would have had jumper cables... but they were the assholes that saw us waving and didn't stop. So that was cool -_-.

By that time you couldn't see outside of my car windows because it was so foggy, and we probably would have thought it was cool under different circumstances. But we were both FREEZING. And okay I know it's Southern California and all... and maybe we're just wusses because of that... but whatever we were COLD man. We were just like in my back seat for probably 20 minutes cuddling for warmth thinking like... shit what I are we gonna do...

And then my phone vibrated and lit up, and we thought it was a message but it turned out it was just saying it was low battery. But that gave me an idea, and so we decided to try to send a text even though the calls hadn't worked before. And the message sent! And so we decided to try calling again, and somehow that call actually went through!

So we got a hold of Pierce's brother, and like half an hour later he came up, completely pissed at us, with jumper cables. By this time it was probably around 11:15. When my car started... so relieved. Just so relieved man. But yeah. So that was a thing that happened last night. Never ever leaving my car on just for the radio for that long ever again. I will not be a dumbass twice.

A POST!

Karen has posted and it's making me want to post! So here I go

Hi internet.

It's currently Thanksgiving break, I'm lucky enough to get the whole week off, which has been nice. The past two days have felt like summer again, which has been the best honestly. Spending hours in Pierce's garage with whoever else shows up, playing with lights and doing light shows, blasting edm, driving up the crest and spending hours at magpies... it has been great.

Pierce has gotten me so obsessed with gloving and edm, it's crazy. It started about a year ago, when Pierce gave me my first light show. We've gone to FNL, a glover thing kind of, a couple of times, but I sucked so badly back then that I was too scared to trade shows with anyone (not a very PLUR attitude I know, I'm sorry). I'm still not that good, but I've been practicing a lot! And edm... ah I love it. I first started becoming interested in that type of music sophomore year I think, but I didn't really know where to start until I started dating Pierce. But now... I don't even know man, I love it. Happy hardcore is blasting in my ears as I type. Well, not exactly blasting, but you know. Edm stands for electronic dance music, for those who don't know. Popularly known as "techno", even though technically techno is like a certain type of edm. But whatever, it's all good. Haha

Oh also for those who don't know...

THIS is gloving:

fucking sick light show

But now today it's time to buckle down and write some college essays... back to real life again. I've already submitted to a bunch of schools, so I've finished the common app, including the essays. But I still have to finish the UC essays, and then submit those. And also I have some supplements that I have to finish and submit within the next couple of days. And since I'm applying for art for a lot of places, I need to figure out how to send my portfolio and all that.

I'm kind of wondering if I'm going in over my head with art though. I'm constantly wondering if I'm even good enough, or if I'll like doing art all the time, especially art not in my area of concentration, enough to be doing it as much as I will be when/if I major in art next year. When I did the early college program in Chicago though, for three weeks art was all I did and I loved it so much. But that was just in my concentration, and that was just for three weeks, with no other major distractions in my way, except for the friends I made. Ahh I don't know. We'll see. This is mostly why I'm not really going the art college route, so that it'll be easier to change my mind if I want to. Ah I don't know. Honestly though, since I'm applying to a LOT of schools, and I don't really have any top choices, I'll probably end up going wherever gives me the most money/aid.

I just want to be done with college apps honestly, but I know I'm probably not going to be for a while. But after I finish this group of apps, I'm going to be concentrating on Solo Fete, as it's coming up in a couple weeks. Solo Fete is the show that my ballet/dance company puts on every year, where every member of the company gets a solo. Since I'm a senior this year, I get to have input in my solo. We finished it last week, and now I'm just working on performing it and perfecting it. I'm supposed to show it in class tonight. I love my solo! I'm really nervous for the show though, because this will be the first time that Pierce and some of my other friends will have ever seen me dance, and Pierce's mom is going too, and my dance teacher from school. Basically just a lot of people that I kind of want to impress... so it's nerve-wracking. But I think I'll be ready. I hope.

Ah I could go on and on, but I really do have to do work on college stuff. Goodbye internet and edm, it's time to focus. Haha

oh HEY

It's been over a year since I've blogged on here...

But this whole blogger family thing on facebook has made me kind of want to try it again.

Ahh haha I don't know.

I go on tumblr a lot though! Like the rest of the world.

Things have been... crazy. Solo Fete is in a little over a month, I really like my solo. College apps... alskjflskd oh dear. And I'm going on Kairos next week which should be okay I guess. I don't really like a lot of the people in my class though... bitchy to say but true. But we shall see.

In the time between when I last posted and now... ohhh boy things have changed. A whole lot. For the better though.

Yeah... definitely for the better.

Um so I kind of forgot how to do this. I'm going to go for now (lots of work to do), but I'll definitely (hopefully) be blogging on here again sometime soon.

=]

BEDA 29-31 The End

Soo... the first half of BEDA was pretty good at least, right?

Haha kind of. Well, I tried. I probably shouldn't even be writing this post either, but since it's the last day of August, I thought I probably should. Wrap things up a little.

So school has been CRAZY. Oh my god. I can't believe it's only the second week... I've had so much work already. People at school weren't kidding when they said junior year was tough. And I haven't even started up dance at PCB again yet...

I'm going to have like no free time this year. None.

I'm in the process of writing my first Bernstein essay write now, due on Thursday. They're notorious at my school. He is a really really hard but really really good teacher, and I'm in his AP class. So obviously I'm a little nervous about writing this paper. Plus I've struggled with it SO MUCH already, it's crazy.

Soo... I've had tumblr for a loooong time right? But seriously, this addiction is only getting bigger and bigger. I love it, and I've found friends and communities I love and I've become addicted to reblogging... just like everyone else. And this is probably only the beginning. I still like blogspot though. I use them for different things.

Okay so I just turned the fan off in my room, and now it seems so quiet. I don't know how I'm going to write with it this quiet. But I can't listen to music and concentrate either. Actually it might be a good thing that it's super quiet. As long as there are no loud noises in the rest of the house.

I don't really have anything else to say. I could probably think of more... but I really need to get going with this essay.

So... August will be over in a matter of hours. And so will BEDA, at the end of this post. It's been fun. Haha, I guess :D Thanks to anyone who read. See you (kind of) soon!