Upstage lads

word vomit

2012-01-16T23:57:00.000-08:00

I've been so absentminded lately.

Just kind of bored with everything.

Something needs to happen. I think. But if something did I probably wouldn't even notice, or like it.

It's like I don't even need ~substances~ to fuck myself up sometimes, but I do it anyway.

Cause I like it and fuck the ones who judge

I don't know where I'm going to be half a year from now, and that should probably scare me a little more. But I'm finding it hard to feel a lot of things currently. Or well. That's not really true at all. I don't know. Maybe just... fear?

Pierce said I was a space case and I got annoyed that he said that but I guess it's pretty fucking true.

You know, I'm actually in a pretty good mood right now.

This is usually the blog where I spend a long time writing and editing my posts, and where I write specifically about my life and it's happenings, you know, all the boring shit or whatever. Or not so boring shit. But you know, fuck it here's some word vomit for you now.

Christmas and Things

2011-12-27T12:32:00.000-08:00

Hi. Let's skip the part where I say how bad I am about blogging regularly and jump right into the actual post, shall we?

So it's two days after Christmas and I'm sitting here in a towel (not even gonna lie), drinking some coffee and enjoying the empty house (for once). I definitely wouldn't be home if I had a car... but we'll get to that in a bit.

So far winter break has been an adventure. Mostly a good one. Started off the first night of break going on an actual adventure , trying to find a certain *event* in a sketch area of downtown LA with Pierce and Ian, kind of being followed by some cops, ending the evening at the Pantry, sleeping in my car (well trying to), and wandering around starbucks and petco at early hours of the morning with Pierce.

The rest of last week was just full of seeing family and friends and Pierce, some Christmas shopping and baking and just preparing for Christmas in general. Pretty low key, just relaxing you know. It's been nice. There's been a lot of tea and coffee involved. I do need my caffeine.

I've been making a lot of kandi! I think I'm getting pretty good at cuffs. My three year old neighbor saw mine in my room and wanted one so I made her a 3-year-old-sized mini cuff, it was pretty adorable. I should have gotten a picture of it.

Anyway so Christmas Eve and day were both... eventful. Christmas Eve was nice, my neighbor (the 3-year-old) came over and baked cookies with Kelly and I in the morning. She is the most adorable little girl... she legit looks like a pixar character. Big round eyes, roundish face, freckles, soft brown hair that like waves in just the right way, you know. She is so cute. It was so much fun.

And then later my family and I met up with some other families and we served dinner at this shelter like we do every year, which is always fun because the people there remember us from year to year, and they always get so happy. And then my family, just the four of us, actually sat down at a restaurant and all ate dinner together, which almost never happens. Which was nice.

Then later I picked up Pierce and we went to one of his family gatherings for a little bit. I really love his family, they're the nicest people. You know how when you meet someone's parents, that person starts to make more sense to you? Getting to know his parents over the past year (almost), it is SO true with Pierce. Just, so true. I don't know how to explain it.

Christmas morning was the same as always, my family sat by the tree and exchanged gifts. Then I went to pick up Pierce, and before I even got to the freeway, I got into a car accident. I don't really want to go into it, but basically I was an idiot. And I felt so bad... and now I don't have a car, which is why I'm sitting at home waiting for Ian and Pierce to pick me up later. But yeah. It was pretty bad. But it could have gone a lot worse if the other car had hit just a little farther back on the drivers' side, and I probably would be a lot more injured. So I'm just glad everyone is okay. But still... with expenses and insurance and everything... I'm just an idiot. But yeah. So that happened.

Anyway, the rest of Christmas was actually nice, apart from all the car crash jokes going around. We picked up Pierce and surprised my grampa, who thought he wasn't gonna see any of his family on Christmas. And then we went to my uncle's house for Christmas like we do every year, which again, was fun, apart from the car crash jokes. They mean it lovingly, haha.

Then we went back home and Pierce and I watched the long-awaited Doctor Who Christmas special! I thought it was... pretty good. Like it got really good in the last 10-15 minutes I feel like, but the rest was just okay. Adorable, but not great til the end. I don't know. It was very Christmas-y though.

Yesterday was fun, just chillin with Pierce and Ian and such. Today/tonight is probably going to be much of the same thing, which I'm looking forward to. We have a new spot that isn't the Crest, but is a mini-adventure to get to, I guess. I'll just leave it at that. Fun times, haha

This post has been long, so I'll cut it off here. I need to get better at blogging again, I feel like I probably just bored to death anyone who read this post. If you got through the whole thing, I congratulate you. You should let me know that you did :D

Stuck at the Crest, an Adventure

2011-12-12T16:07:00.000-08:00

Just a little story time...

Pierce and I decided to take a drive up Angeles Crest last night, which we do a lot because it's close by. Angeles Crest is this highway that goes through the mountains, and driving through it, especially with the windows down and the music blasting, is such an awesome experience. Pierce and I go a lot, sometimes bringing along other people. But last night it was just us.

It was around 9 at night, and it was pretty cold and foggy, but the fog actually looked really cool up there, with the full moon and the wide open space just under us. We have this one turnout that we always go to, and it's pretty high up the Crest. Last night we decided to go and film some light show videos, but we were really dumb about it. Because for the videos we needed music... like my car radio... which means leaving the battery on... basically we're just idiots.

But okay. I swear it wasn't even on for that long. I've been with people who left their car batteries on for a lot longer than we did, and their cars were fine. We just... have really bad luck I guess.

So anyway we filmed a couple videos and then I turned the radio off and the car and took out the keys etc etc so the battery was definitely OFF for a long time. And we just chilled out there... and it was nice. Going to the Crest during the summer is one thing, but during the winter... whoa. It looked so cool. And it was just really peaceful, even though it was freezing cold.

But anyway at around 10 we decided to go back, and so we got in my car and got ready and stuff. But then, of course, my car doesn't start. It doesn't start multiple times. At first we thought the engine was cold, so we waited a bit and tried to like move the car in neutral towards the highway and away from the edge of the mountain, hoping that would help start the engine, but as we did that my headlights and the lights in the car started to dim and we realized oh fuck it's the battery. We're idiots. We drained the battery.

So immediately we turned the car off cause we figured that if the battery dies we're even more fucked, and tried to call someone to bring up jumper cables. But of course, we're in the mountains, and we have no service. So we were stuck in the mountains in the middle of December at 10 at night in heavy fog, freezing cold, with a car that won't start and no service to call.

We started waving people down on the highway. And we actually met some really nice people! No one could help us though. The big trucks that drove by definitely would have had jumper cables... but they were the assholes that saw us waving and didn't stop. So that was cool -_-.

By that time you couldn't see outside of my car windows because it was so foggy, and we probably would have thought it was cool under different circumstances. But we were both FREEZING. And okay I know it's Southern California and all... and maybe we're just wusses because of that... but whatever we were COLD man. We were just like in my back seat for probably 20 minutes cuddling for warmth thinking like... shit what I are we gonna do...

And then my phone vibrated and lit up, and we thought it was a message but it turned out it was just saying it was low battery. But that gave me an idea, and so we decided to try to send a text even though the calls hadn't worked before. And the message sent! And so we decided to try calling again, and somehow that call actually went through!

So we got a hold of Pierce's brother, and like half an hour later he came up, completely pissed at us, with jumper cables. By this time it was probably around 11:15. When my car started... so relieved. Just so relieved man. But yeah. So that was a thing that happened last night. Never ever leaving my car on just for the radio for that long ever again. I will not be a dumbass twice.

A POST!

2011-11-23T11:53:00.001-08:00

Karen has posted and it's making me want to post! So here I go

Hi internet.

It's currently Thanksgiving break, I'm lucky enough to get the whole week off, which has been nice. The past two days have felt like summer again, which has been the best honestly. Spending hours in Pierce's garage with whoever else shows up, playing with lights and doing light shows, blasting edm, driving up the crest and spending hours at magpies... it has been great.

Pierce has gotten me so obsessed with gloving and edm, it's crazy. It started about a year ago, when Pierce gave me my first light show. We've gone to FNL, a glover thing kind of, a couple of times, but I sucked so badly back then that I was too scared to trade shows with anyone (not a very PLUR attitude I know, I'm sorry). I'm still not that good, but I've been practicing a lot! And edm... ah I love it. I first started becoming interested in that type of music sophomore year I think, but I didn't really know where to start until I started dating Pierce. But now... I don't even know man, I love it. Happy hardcore is blasting in my ears as I type. Well, not exactly blasting, but you know. Edm stands for electronic dance music, for those who don't know. Popularly known as "techno", even though technically techno is like a certain type of edm. But whatever, it's all good. Haha

Oh also for those who don't know...

THIS is gloving:

fucking sick light show

But now today it's time to buckle down and write some college essays... back to real life again. I've already submitted to a bunch of schools, so I've finished the common app, including the essays. But I still have to finish the UC essays, and then submit those. And also I have some supplements that I have to finish and submit within the next couple of days. And since I'm applying for art for a lot of places, I need to figure out how to send my portfolio and all that.

I'm kind of wondering if I'm going in over my head with art though. I'm constantly wondering if I'm even good enough, or if I'll like doing art all the time, especially art not in my area of concentration, enough to be doing it as much as I will be when/if I major in art next year. When I did the early college program in Chicago though, for three weeks art was all I did and I loved it so much. But that was just in my concentration, and that was just for three weeks, with no other major distractions in my way, except for the friends I made. Ahh I don't know. We'll see. This is mostly why I'm not really going the art college route, so that it'll be easier to change my mind if I want to. Ah I don't know. Honestly though, since I'm applying to a LOT of schools, and I don't really have any top choices, I'll probably end up going wherever gives me the most money/aid.

I just want to be done with college apps honestly, but I know I'm probably not going to be for a while. But after I finish this group of apps, I'm going to be concentrating on Solo Fete, as it's coming up in a couple weeks. Solo Fete is the show that my ballet/dance company puts on every year, where every member of the company gets a solo. Since I'm a senior this year, I get to have input in my solo. We finished it last week, and now I'm just working on performing it and perfecting it. I'm supposed to show it in class tonight. I love my solo! I'm really nervous for the show though, because this will be the first time that Pierce and some of my other friends will have ever seen me dance, and Pierce's mom is going too, and my dance teacher from school. Basically just a lot of people that I kind of want to impress... so it's nerve-wracking. But I think I'll be ready. I hope.

Ah I could go on and on, but I really do have to do work on college stuff. Goodbye internet and edm, it's time to focus. Haha

oh HEY

2011-10-24T00:19:00.000-07:00

It's been over a year since I've blogged on here...

But this whole blogger family thing on facebook has made me kind of want to try it again.

Ahh haha I don't know.

I go on tumblr a lot though! Like the rest of the world.

Things have been... crazy. Solo Fete is in a little over a month, I really like my solo. College apps... alskjflskd oh dear. And I'm going on Kairos next week which should be okay I guess. I don't really like a lot of the people in my class though... bitchy to say but true. But we shall see.

In the time between when I last posted and now... ohhh boy things have changed. A whole lot. For the better though.

Yeah... definitely for the better.

Um so I kind of forgot how to do this. I'm going to go for now (lots of work to do), but I'll definitely (hopefully) be blogging on here again sometime soon.

BEDA 29-31 The End

2010-08-31T20:40:00.001-07:00

Soo... the first half of BEDA was pretty good at least, right?

Haha kind of. Well, I tried. I probably shouldn't even be writing this post either, but since it's the last day of August, I thought I probably should. Wrap things up a little.

So school has been CRAZY. Oh my god. I can't believe it's only the second week... I've had so much work already. People at school weren't kidding when they said junior year was tough. And I haven't even started up dance at PCB again yet...

I'm going to have like no free time this year. None.

I'm in the process of writing my first Bernstein essay write now, due on Thursday. They're notorious at my school. He is a really really hard but really really good teacher, and I'm in his AP class. So obviously I'm a little nervous about writing this paper. Plus I've struggled with it SO MUCH already, it's crazy.

Soo... I've had tumblr for a loooong time right? But seriously, this addiction is only getting bigger and bigger. I love it, and I've found friends and communities I love and I've become addicted to reblogging... just like everyone else. And this is probably only the beginning. I still like blogspot though. I use them for different things.

Okay so I just turned the fan off in my room, and now it seems so quiet. I don't know how I'm going to write with it this quiet. But I can't listen to music and concentrate either. Actually it might be a good thing that it's super quiet. As long as there are no loud noises in the rest of the house.

I don't really have anything else to say. I could probably think of more... but I really need to get going with this essay.

So... August will be over in a matter of hours. And so will BEDA, at the end of this post. It's been fun. Haha, I guess :D Thanks to anyone who read. See you (kind of) soon!

Days 23-28 Birthdays and Esther

2010-08-29T00:05:00.000-07:00

Hey so. I just DON'T want to blog. I just don't. I haven't been able to at all this week because school started and I was sososo busy with homework and stuff. And then yesterday and today I just didn't want to blog. I can't bring up the energy. It's not that I'm tired... I'm just... not in the mindset to blog or whatever.

But BEDA is almost over and I feel like I should at least TRY to write SOMETHING.

Soo... school started. It's been hard. So much freaking work, and it's only been a week. Tomorrow is Sunday, and I'm going to be spending the whole day working.

I think I'm going to like this year in terms of school though. I mean, it's going to kill me. But I really like most of my teachers and classes, even though they're challenging. And I like driving to school and stuff, I like being in more control of my transportation and not having to depend on someone else for it.

Mockingjay came out and I've been sososo excited for it, and I have it but I haven't been able to read much of it because of school. But I'm trying. Slowly but surely.

John Green's birthday was the 24th. I always like to mention or celebrate in some small way when it's his birthday, since he's seriously had this huge impact on my life. Also, it's so close to my birthday, and it just feels like an important day.

The day after, Esther Earl passed away of cancer, the 25th. I saw what had happened on tumblr and twitter that day when I got home from school, and I was shocked. I'd heard about her and seen her around the internet, and watched a couple of her videos. But her death... I didn't think that it would affect me like it did. She really was an amazing person. I just... I have no words.

The day after that was my birthday, the 26th. At first it seemed like it wasn't going to be a good day, but then I ended up seeing some friends and it was fun, and I just kept thinking of John's birthday and then Esther and the nerdfighters and everything that had happened and how lucky I am.

It was a crazy week, full of a ton of mixed emotions, and no time to let anything sink in. It's all kind of a blur.

I'm happy for all of the people I saw and thankful for the gifts that I got for my birthday, and I'm thankful for the Green brothers and the nerdfighters and just for everyone in the whole community I'm a part of, and Esther reminded me of that.

And I never met her, but I'm never going to forget her.

Days 21+22

2010-08-22T17:22:00.001-07:00

I missed yesterday. Oh well. I don't really care all that much at this point.

Okay so I love driving by myself! Like before I got my license, and even after getting my license when I drove with my parents, it was always like I was going to get critiqued or something. But driving by myself, it's like therapeutic. It calms you down. I don't know. Unless you're lost, then I'm guessing it's not.

Yesterday driving back from my friend's house it was dark outside and I accidentally got on the wrong freeway entrance. There are two really close to each other, going to I think the same freeway, but in opposite directions. So when I got on and realized I was going the wrong way, I had a mini heart attack that lasted for like half a second. And then I realized I still knew how to get home. Crisis averted :D haha

Yesterday was full of firsts! I'm not going to get into it though.

Also, okay so I got my hair redyed yesterday but he did it darker than usual and at first I didn't like it but I don't really mind it now. It's not really a big deal because it's still close to the same red, just darker, and after washing it a few times it will be back to normal. It's just the first time I ever dyed my hair (other than highlights) it was reeeeally dark and almost looked purple, and I really didn't like it. And I was nervous because I didn't want to like relive that. But it's not that color at all. And I got a lot of reading done at the hair place!

This morning my mom, Kelly, and I helped at this back-to-school event thing for HIV positive kids. Kelly and I served ice cream sundaes, it was fun! I didn't know anyone else there, but everyone was really nice, all the volunteers were groups from different churches or schools or something like that.

School starts TOMORROW. It's crazy. I finished all of my homework two days ago, but I have a lot a LOT of reading to do for the rest of the day. It's around five right now, and I plan on spending the last few hours of summer cooped up in my room reading. Or maybe I'll go to the park or something. And read there obviously. I don't know. Also I want to make these things for my binders but I have to finish this book before I do that.

Soo good bye now
:D

Days 17-20

2010-08-20T22:45:00.000-07:00

soo..
sorry.
I missed, what, three days?
and this post is going to suck too

I don't know, maybe I should just give up. Nooo I won't do that. It doesn't really matter if I suck.

Okay so the past couple of days I've just been home and doing homework and other stuff. I've spent waaaay too much time on tumblr. But I have gotten a lot of reading and homework done! Two days left, and about 250 pages more to read, and two more articles to summarize. I'm going to do some of both after this post though.

I got a CAR! I'm so happy. My birthday is in like a week, so it's basically my present. We weren't sure if we were going to get one, but my parents found a good deal on a used car so we did =] It'll be easier on them, not having to always drive Kelly and I around. And of course I'm happy I have a car :D

School starts on Monday, and I'm probably just going to spend the last couple days of summer not doing a lot, just working and reading and stuff. Maybe see some friends. I don't know, nothing much. I'm definitely not excited for school to start, but it had to at some point I guess. The summer has been fun =] it hasn't exactly gone by fast, but not slowly either. It's always weird when something you've spent so much time looking forward to ends.

I'm going to go now because I have stuff to do.

bye!
:D

Day 16

2010-08-16T22:39:00.000-07:00

Oh god. School starts so soon. It's crazy. One week from now. Tomorrow we have orientation. Kill me noowww D: I mean, school is okay I guess. Except for the crazy amount of WORK that is going to pile on top of me until I suffocate and DIE. Junior year. yaaaay

In other news, I actually did like half of my homework today! So yay for being productive :D I'm thinking tomorrow I'll do the other half, and then I'll just spend the next five days after that reading. And hopefully hopefully HOPEFULLY I'll finish in time.

My camera is no better than it was yesterday. It's like spazzing out and just... not working properly. I told my dad I think we should just go somewhere and hopefully get it fixed. That'll probably be expensive though. That damn ENERGY DRINK just had to spill in my bag...

Also, the chances of me getting a car are getting higher! My parents and I (well mostly my parents) have been looking at used cars and such, and today they went out and found some potential ones. It'll basically be easier for all of us if I have a car.

I have NOTHING TO SAY like ALWAYS. Because I'm BORING. I mean today I've just been listening to music and doing homework and watching youtube. Oh, and I played piano! That was fun.

10 days until my birthday!
So that's exciting

I'm going to GO now because this post just sucks. Hopefully tomorrow I'll actually think of a TOPIC or something

g'bye
:D

Day 15- work and tumblr and sorry I'm so BORING

2010-08-15T22:48:00.001-07:00

I'm just not even going to give an update on my homework. It's just too pathetic to talk about.
Somehow, even though I was PLANNING on staying home all last week to do homework, I ended up barely at home and definitely NOT working.

Basically, I suck. End of story.

Haha soo today, I stayed home all day and managed to yet AGAIN not get anything done. I woke up this morning and went to video ministry. (Basically I help videotape church). And then I came home and went on the internet for a couple hours. And then I fell asleep, and didn't wake up again until like 6. Haha oops

I actually AM going to get some work done after this post though. I know I say that every time, and it's barely true half the time, but I actually am! I swear :D I have to watch this movie for APES and do work that goes with it. And I have the movie right in front of me, which we just rented from blockbuster about an hour ago.

I have nothing more to blog about. I am a boring person. Or at least a boring blogger. Also, a lazy one.

Also I've become addicted to Tumblr. Sorry blogspot, I don't mean to betray you or anything. But I have. And I mean, I've had a Tumblr for a looonng time, but I've always just been a casual tumblr person. But lately I've been spending more time on it, actually checking it like I check twitter (every day), and reblogging and stuff. It's not like I like it more than blogspot. It's just very different.

Alright I'm done. More tomorrow. Bye

:D

Days 12+13+14

2010-08-14T23:32:00.000-07:00

I SUCK, I know. I missed two days. I'm terrible. And also I have no excuse. Day 12 I was home all day, trying to work. I just did NOT feel like blogging at all I guess, I didn't really feel like doing anything that day. And then yesterday I was out all day, but I could have written a short post or something that night. Oh well. Didn't happen. Oops.

Okay so yesterday I went to Universal Studios and city walk with some school friends! It was really fun. Also- I got a Doctor Who patch! Of like the logo of the classic series. I'm going to put it on my school blazer, even though I don't think we're allowed to. Fuck it, if we can put pins we might as well be allowed to put patches. And it's fucking Doctor Who :D

And I also got a Hunger Games tshirt! They had a whole section of Hunger Games stuff at Hot Topic, I'm surprised. I didn't know the books had gotten so popular. Speaking of which I'm SO FUCKING EXCITED FOR MOCKINGJAY! August 24th, two days before my birthday :D

And then today I went with some other friends to Venice Beach. It was funn =] it was an adventure. We kind of got in a car accident and had to wait on the side of the freeway for a looong time and I the whole time I was just trying to stay awake. Also- I rode in a police car!

Ugh a big energy drink spilled inside of my bag. Everything, including my bag, was covered in this like bright pink drink, and smelled fruity. And the worst part is my camera was in my bag. I checked inside of it and everything, taking off the lense and making sure it was all dry in there, which it was, but I'm still worried about it. It's not turning on. My dad has it right now and is trying to fix it I think.

And I REALLY don't feel like blogging right now, so I think I'm going to stop. I get really really nervous for some things that I shouldn't really be worried about at all, and right now I'm just like really anxious and like jittery and UGH it sucks. I kind of feel sick from it. I think I need to just sleep or watch something and not THINK until tomorrow, because I hate this. So I'm leaving. Bye

:}

Day 10+11- ADVENTURES and CELLULITIS

2010-08-11T23:13:00.001-07:00

Alright so I missed another day. ssooorrryyyy. to the zero people reading this

Reason I missed: I was at my friend's house. No really I didn't go on the internet at ALL yesterday, except for like ten minutes on facebook at my friends house. And I slept over, and then spent like half of today over there too. Not that I'm making excuses or anything :D

And oohhh boy. It was a fun day-and-a-half. I don't really want to explain it all out but basically it was an adventure :D. It involved a LONG ASS HIKE through like the desert that none of us were ready for, lots and lots of sneaking around, lots and lots of illegal driving, sneaking out at night, GETTING CAUGHT sneaking out at night, waiting for Ryan to finish his FREAKING TACO while we were sitting there in the Jack in the Box parking lot getting in more trouble by the MINUTE, lots of yelling, a couple pissed off parents, lots saying sorry, lots of actually BEING sorry (and also lots of not meaning it at all), lots of silently LAUGHING our ASSES off, lots of "oh hellllllll naaaawwww" from Ryan, lots of bickering from Alex and Becca, lots of watching people fight from me. Haha but it was fun, which is all that matters right? hahaha :}

Also apparently I seem INNOCENT to people. Well, that actually doesn't surprise me. I mean I kind of am. Well, it depends. haha nevermind

Oh yeah and then the next day when Alex and I took the metro to LA we saw Gwen Stephani! We didn't go up to her or anything, we just saw her from like across the street in China Town. Still cool, right? I didn't know if it was her but Alex swears it was. Sooo haha guess it was :D

But anyways, I was going to try to write my day 10 post at Alex's last night, but then we got in trouble and I didn't really want to ask Alex if I could go across the house to the computer when her mom was trying to sleep.

ANYWAYS so what else?

Oh! Okay so about a month and a half ago I my eye got this infection, according to the doctor, called cellulitus. Which automatically makes me think of cellulite, but I don't think it's the same thing. It started swelling up a little one day and then the next day when I woke up my eyelid was seriously swollen SHUT. That's when I went to the doctor, and they told me it was cellulitis and gave me pills for it. It went away in a couple days, which was good because I had my dance show that weekend.

So I woke up this morning at Alex's and my eye, my OTHER eye, was a little swollen. It looked like how it had looked last time, on the first day when it wasn't that bad. But I kind of freaked out because I didn't want it to get as bad as last time, so after hanging out with Alex and all that, I went to the doctor. She gave me eye drops for it. So far it hasn't gotten any worse, whereas last time by this time it had gotten a lot bigger. So hopefully it just gets better and not worse from here this time.

Okay- school work review. Other than a little bit of reading at Alex's house, I've gotten almost NOTHING done since the last post. I have like 400 pages left of the last book I have to read, and haven't done any of the work. Tomorrow I plan on actually getting some stuff done. We'll -um- see how that goes.

I guess that's all I have to say for now. Soo um, bye.

:D

Day 9- SKINS and MUSIC and HOMEWORK

2010-08-09T23:36:00.001-07:00

So the day is almost over... and I just haven't felt like blogging today. I don't really have anything to say.

Today I just stayed home and tried to read but I COULDN'T because my sister had friends over. They were so LOUD it was ridiculous. Here I am trying to read about multicultural America and I just hear SCREAMING and LAUGHING every two seconds from a bunch of about-to-be-freshmen. And it's useless trying to tell them not to be so loud.

Oh yeah! That reminds me! I finished the second AP English book. I really liked it! I thought it was really interesting. And it was a whole lot better than that stupid advertising book. Now I'm reading the book for APUSH. It's like 400 something pages and the print is TINY, and it's basically a summary of how immigrants from a lot of different places came to America. I think I'll like it, I like what I've read so far, I'm just worried about finishing it and finishing my APES work in time.

And yet, I somehow have plans for tomorrow that I didn't have yesterday. I should just quarantine myself until all my work is done. But... it's summer. And I haven't really done a LOT this month so far. I mean last month I did a lot more, which is why I have all of this work to do now. And why I just shouldn't go out. But when friends ask me to do stuff, I don't want to say no. Is that stupid? yeah. Will it cost me my grade? hopefully not.

Oh well. I have all of those hours where everyone else is asleep to work as a last resort. And during those hours, right before school starts, I'll probably look back at this post and want to kick myself in the face.

No, it won't get to that. I swear.
Oh god I am RAMBLING.

Next topic.

OH GUESS WHAT????? I discovered the Urban Outfitters free music downloads today. They have this thing where you can download all this music for FREE. Seriously I just got like 50 free songs. And the music is so good. It's a great way to find new good music and see what you like without having to buy stuff without knowing if you'll like it. Just go to the urban outfitters website and go to the music section. They have music mondays, which is five free songs every Monday, and they also have download links to download LSTN playlists for FREE.

I'm listening to the music right now.

THINGS I'M EXCITED FOR:
-my birthday! (august 26)
-FYF Fest (a music festival Sept 4th)
-school (which I'm simultaneously NOT AT ALL excited for)
-tooommmoorrrrooowww (I'll blog about THAT later)
ummm I don't know. OTHER STUFF

aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh I don't know what it is right now, I just have all of this energy. I've been kind of working out for the past hour though. Maybe that's why.

Oh and I was watching Skins while doing that! I've been just rewatching certain episodes because I MISS it and can't wait for the new season!!! It's going to be a whole new cast, and a lot of people don't really like that. But last time the cast changed everyone was upset about it too, and now everyone LOVES that cast. So hopefully the same thing will happen. They announced the new cast a couple days ago, and they seem pretty cool. Also they're making a Skins movie! So we'll see the old casts again in that.

I'm going to do my hair because there's no way I could sleep right now. And maybe I'll read some. But probably not.

Umm. Bye.

:D

Day 8- I've been sitting here for ten minutes trying to think of a title

2010-08-08T23:40:00.001-07:00

After writing that post last night, I really WAS going to go read. Buut I don't know. I guess I just had a lot of energy. Or something. Basically I ended up just listening to wizard rock and dancing around my room for seriously like an hour. I haven't done that it like YEARS, so that felt pretty good. And then, I cleaned my room because I still couldn't sit still, and then I don't even remember what I did, just that it was on the internet. Probably youtube. And by then it was like 2:30ish, so I decided to actually get some reading done. But that didn't work, because I couldn't concentrate at ALL. I still had all this energy, but not even hyped up energy, just like my mind was still going a million miles and hour. So I stopped reading and just did other stuff until about 4:30, when I decided to try to sleep. And after what seemed like AGES, I slept. I guess screaming in your head "I CAN'T SLEEP I CAN'T SLEEP I CAN'T SLEEP" over and over again... gets you to sleep.

Anyways.
Long story short- I didn't get much reading done. I do however, have about 45 pages left of the book. Which I'm going to try to get through tonight.

Today was a pretty good day, I saw Toy Story 3 with my family, and then we went out and ate dinner. It was good because for once I didn't fight with ANYONE. Anyways, the theatre we went to was really cool. It's always been there, but I haven't actually been there since I was little. It's kind of different from a normal movie theatre, it's converted from an old really really big theatre. The room we saw Toy Story in used to be half of the balcony. It was neat. The movies it plays there are movies that have usually stopped playing in other theatres already. My dad says it's where movies go to die.

And, it was so cheap! The tickets were 2 dollars each, so basically paying for tickets for the four of us was less than paying for ONE ticket at most of the theatres nearby. Definitely going to be going there more often.

Uumm I can't think of much else to say. Okay something frustrating. I have to take this pills, right? And I take two a day. But I just counted how many there are left and it's an odd number. So. Um. Not sure what happened there.

Reading back over this, this is a REALLY crappy post. I think I'm just going to end it here. So long, fair blog, until tomorrow

Day 7- Flipped and Carney

2010-08-07T22:22:00.000-07:00

Guess what! I got so much reading done last night after I wrote that post! I read like half the book! Soo yaaay for me :D

And then today... well I WAS going to get a lot of reading done. But one of those American Next Top Model marathons was on. Soo I watched that with Kelly (my sister, haha by the way). And read during the commercials. Or, tried to anyways. And then I read a chapter after the marathon was over and then Kelly and I went to see Flipped!

Now, let me explain. Kelly and I are deeply and emotionally attached to this book. Don't laugh. This is serious :D It's our childhood. As you probably know (whoever you are), I'm a big reader and always have been, ever since picking up Harry Potter in my second year of 1st grade (I repeated 1st grade). But Kelly isn't a big reader. I remember when I found this book, back in 6th grade (soo... 2006?) I found it at the annual book fair that my old school had. And I LOVED it, and since then have read it many many more times. Anyways, so back in elementary school I tried and tried to get Kelly into reading, recommending all of these different books to her, hoping she would love reading as much as her older sister (me). Most of the time with the books I gave her she read the first couple of chapters and then got bored with it, but with Flipped she actually read the whole book and fell in love with it (she was in 4th grade at the time). She still says it's her all time favorite book.

Kelly and I have just like cherished and loved this book and reread it over and over. And so when we heard that it was going to be a movie, we flipped out (haha no pun intended).

The movie lived up to both our expectations. It's really cute (which satisfied my sister), and it doesn't degrade the story to being just "for kids". I think it did the book justice, and the acting, from the kids and the adults, I thought was good. I'm happy =]

Also I like going to the movies with Kelly because we always get candy :D

Okay, so I don't have much else to say today really. I plan on getting a lot more reading done before I go to sleep. It's 10:36, the night is young.

Okay one more thing. There's this band called Carney, and I'm absolutely in love with and OBSESSED with them. I have been ever since like April, when I went to one of their concerts at the El Rey in LA. It wasn't a very big concert, but oh my god. It was probably one of the best concerts I've ever been to. And I LOVE concerts, so I make sure to go to a lot of them. More than my sister and most of my friends anyways.

Anyways, so I didn't know any of the three bands that would be playing at this concert, but like the day before my friend texted me asking me to go with her, even though I don't think she knew a lot about the bands playing either. She's just like me, and loves to go to concerts. Anyway so she had two tickets but no one to go with so she asked me, and I'm SO GLAD I went because now I'm like a crazy obsessed Carney fan. They've only released one album but it is SO GOOD.

Here is their myspace: http://www.myspace.com/carney
I was just listening to an interview they did with NPR, which is why I was thinking about them and just decided to blog about them. (the interview if you're curious: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=128668128)
But seriously I really think you (whoever you are) should check them out

That's all I have to say today I think, so good bye. Time to read. See you, blog, tomorrow (kind of) :D

Days 5+6- WHAT am I even TALKING about

2010-08-06T18:50:00.000-07:00

haha soo... I didn't do a post yesterday. sorry.

And that's because, I fell asleep reading. Okay so I DID finish that horrible book when I said I would, and then yesterday I started the other book that I have to read for AP English. It's basically about the First Amendment and the history of the freedom of speech/press in the US. So far I actually like it, a WHOLE lot better than the liked the other book anyways. The thing is all day yesterday I had so much trouble actually concentrating on the book. I just wouldn't stop THINKING, until it got to be like 11 (so EARLY for me) and I had read a grand total of about 30 pages in a couple hours and I just fell asleep on top of my book.

Four hours later I woke up, looked at the clock, realized vaguely I didn't do my BEDA post, and then decided to go back to sleep. I could tell my body was exhausted, but for some reason I could NOT go back to sleep. I laid there for like an HOUR, with my body asleep (if that makes sense), but not my head. Not being able to sleep is normal for me (I don't have very healthy sleeping habits), but then even after I fell asleep it was like I still wasn't asleep.

It was like the whole night I was drifting in and out of vividly dreaming and being awake. Like, I'd be dreaming but be awake and then I'd really wake up and then I'd be dreaming again. And when I finally woke up for real and got out of bed I felt like I hadn't gotten any rest at all, like I had been awake all night. And I could remember all of the dreams, without struggling to remember at all. It's kind of been like this for about the past week.

Anyways, enough of that. Today, I played piano! I used to take lessons and actually practice and stuff when I was elementary school, but eventually I got too busy with school and dance and so I stopped. I can still play, but I'm not very good. Occasionally I'll go to the piano and just play around but I don't regularly practice or anything. And I only like to play when no one else is home. I'm not sure why.

Anyways so I have sheet music from the Chamber of Secrets movie so today I decided to teach myself one of the songs. I went painstakingly slow, but I think I actually made some progress! I'll practice more tomorrow when I'm home alone again.

For the past couple of weeks Kelly's and my textbooks have been trickling in, a sad reminder that school is almost here. Two more weeks, and I still have a lot of homework to do. Oohhh shit. Aside from the work though, I find myself just a little bit excited for school. Which is weird, because I do NOT like school. It's just that first week that's always a little exciting, because it's different. But after the first week... the newness wears off and the only thing left is HOMEWORK.

Agenda for tonight- read, eat, and read some more. I have to finish this book by Monday, I've decided. Because after that I have two weeks left, in which I have APES (AP environmental science) work to do and this crazy long and intimidating APUSH (AP US history) book to read. yaaay procrastination. Seriously though, I even procrastinate in things I LIKE doing (this blog is the perfect example). And also I like going completely go off topic. So I'm just going to end here before this post is even LONGER even more full of useless information. Um. Bye.

:D

Day 4- Short and sweet

2010-08-04T23:31:00.001-07:00

I don't have much to say today I think.

Today, I saw Charlie St Cloud. It was... ehh. Not too bad. Parts of it were good, but I wasn't blown away. It was nice to get to stare at Zac Efron for two hours, just saying :D

Also- I bought jeggings. Not something I ever thought I would do. But you know what? They're not that bad. They're quite comfortable, and they don't look bad (at least my sister and I didn't think so)

Right now I'm just listening to Tom Milsom, putting off the things I'm still planning on doing tonight. Also- I didn't finish that book that I said I was going to finish last night. I did, however, make a LOT of progress. I only have one more chapter, which I swear I'm going to read tonight.

Random awesome video:

Okay so basically I just discovered this guy today (thanks to sxephil) and he is AWESOME. All of his videos are so great. Seriously, if anyone is reading this, check this channel out. You'll be glad you did.

Day 3- this STUPID BOOK

2010-08-03T23:50:00.000-07:00

haha sooo... it's currently 11:50 pm. oops. again.

Umm sooo... this day has been pretty uneventful. I don't have dance or anything else for the next couple weeks, so I'm trying to actually get the work done that I need to get done before school starts again.

Like reading this book. Thiss stupid, stupid book that I HATE.

It's about advertising. Basically the author is just complaining about how it ruins lives and brainwashes people and blah blah blah and I'm just tired of it. It's only a little over 300 pages but it's taking me SO LONG to read because I can't stand it. I feel like I've been reading for a thousand pages, over and over and over. And I mean, the book was written 11 years ago. If the book wasn't all about media, that wouldn't matter very much. But a lot has happened in media since 1999. Ugh whatever. I just can't stand this book.

I'm nervous for when it comes time to 'discuss' it in english class when school starts. I want to say what I think about it (why I hate it basically) but I'm scared of being shot down by other classmates, and worst of all, my teacher.

See, I'm going to be in AP English, and I'm going to have this teacher that I'm reeeeeeally excited about having. I've been excited to have him since freshman year (he teaches all of the juniors). I got into AP at like the last second basically, talking to him and some other teachers during finals week to try and change to AP, even though it's one of the hardest classes at my school. I really want to impress this teacher, so I'm scared of saying the wrong thing about this book. But if I don't say anything, then I won't make any impression at all. Also, I shouldn't be trying to make an impression anyways. Whatever, I don't know.

haha ANYWAYS, point is, I have like 70 more pages of this book and I'm determined to finish it tonight, because I'm really behind everything I have to do before school starts again.

sidenote: I miss VidCon. I can't believe that was almost a MONTH ago. Those were seriously like some of the best days of my life. *sigh*

Day 2- damn spider.

2010-08-03T10:22:00.000-07:00

Okay so I'm late. Second day of BEDA and I'm already missing days. Oops.

The reason is actually pretty pathetic. I'll get to that in a minute.

First of all, yesterday (day 2) was really fun! My friend Harry and I had a Doctor Who Season One marathon. And we made a TARDIS cake! It was pretty awesome. Not much to say about it, we basically just sat and watched tv all day :D but it was Doctor Who, so definitely not a waste of time. Season two marathon will be happening shortly.

Okay, so then I got home at like 10. And I go to my computer and start checking all the websites right, and I was going to write my blog post around that time. But then after like 15 minutes a spider literally drops right next to me, onto my desk, and like starts crawling really fast and out of sight. Now I'm like deathly scared of spiders. Not your normal teenage-girl-scared-of-bugs type of scared. Like Ron Weasley scared. I just... god. It's pathetic, but it's true. I should point out that I had a MASSIVE headache, which had been building up all day. So I was a little like distraught anyways.

So I like freak out because as long as I can still see the spider, I can get someone to get it for me. But I couldn't see this one, and it had been crawling really really fast. And I knew my dad wouldn't try hard to look for it. So I like stood in my doorway for about a minute, and then I went to my parents room. But they were both like laying down watching tv, and my dad had a washcloth on his head which meant he had a migraine. But since I did too, I wasn't that sympathetic. Which I know isn't fair to him, but still. Anyways, I didn't want to make them mad so I just left.

And then I had no clue what to do, because of that damn spider. I sure as hell wasn't going to go anywhere near my computer or desk, because that's where it had been. And I was pissed because of that, and my head was pounding. So I grabbed a blanket and decided to go sleep on the couch, even though it was 10:30 and I had been in the middle of doing stuff on the computer, not ready to go to sleep at all. And of course I couldn't fall asleep no matter how hard I tried because for one, I was still thinking about the spider, and two because of the headache, and three because it was like four hours before I usually go to bed.

So like an hour later, when I was actually starting to fall asleep, I guess my mom decides to go see why I went into her room. I guess she just guesses there was a spider in my room, because she goes into my room and starts yelling at me FROM MY ROOM (instead of fucking walking over to WHERE I AM) about how she would have gotten it for me. I was kind of trying to yell back to her that I didn't know where it was, but I couldn't really yell because by then my head seriously hurt like HELL and I had been fucking asleep by then.

And then she just goes crazy and decides that THIS is a great time to start yelling ACROSS THE HOUSE at me about how my room is a mess and she keeps telling me to clean it and that's why the spider was in my room and that I never listen to her and blah blah blah. what the fuck mom. what the fuck.

And THEN she like stomps over to the kitchen, which is right next to the living room where I was trying to SLEEP, and starts doing DISHES as fucking loudly as she fucking can. Because she likes being a bitch I guess. I mean, it's midnight. And she was pissed at me. So she starts... doing dishes? Right next to where I'm sleeping?

So I'm laying there covering my head with the blanket, my head pounding, and I'm fucking furious with her right but I'm trying to sleep and my head is pounding harder than ever and I'm like almost crying I'm so mad at her and it's all because of a fucking spider.

And that's why I didn't write my blog post last night.

Day 1- Firsts

2010-08-01T23:08:00.000-07:00

Right now, it's August 1, 11:08 PM. The first day officially of BEDA/VEDA. I wasn't going to do it. I wasn't even thinking about doing BEDA, but I was toying around with the idea of doing VEDA (vlog every day august, instead of blog). But then it got late and I forgot about it. And then suddenly I was here, on blogspot, for the first time in who knows how long, and I was like, hey! Why the hell not. No one reads this blog anymore, which I find really really relieving. Like, FINALLY. Fuck it, I'm writing whatever I want :D

So today has basically been the most uneventful day of summer. Great day to blog about, right?

But yesterday on the other hand, was extremely eventful. So I'll start there.

Basically one of the owners of the dance studio threw a huge party for her daughter's baptism. When I say huge I mean HUGE. Her and her sister are both, well, rich. She had the party at her sister's house, which is really nice and really really pretty, and has a huge front yard. The party was themed Alice in Wonderland, which was the show we did in February. There was a teacup spinning ride and everything. Basically, a bunch of us in the Senior company preformed a couple of the scenes from the show. And I, was a giant teapot.

After the whole dancing-in-front-of-like-two-hundred-people-in-a-huge-foam-teapot part was over, the party actually ended up being fun. We all changed into normal (formal) clothes, we ate and got henna and Greek danced (OH PA! except no one actually said that) and regular danced and rode a couple times in the teacup ride :D

Also, Dakota Fanning was there! Her and her family are friends with the owners of the studio (who were throwing the party). And she saw me... in a giant teapot. Great.

This summer so far has gone by SO FREAKING FAST it's ridiculous. It's also been a weird summer, because I haven't travelled at ALL, and the weather has been really strange. But it's also been really fun, really just chill and laid back. Like busy but relaxing at the same time.

There have been a lot of firsts. First time Greek dancing, first time paintballing, first time doing vodka shots and drinking beer, first time meeting a TON of my heroes aka YOUTUBERS, first time going to a Con (VidCon), first time waiting in line for over two hours for a picture with someone, first time driving with a license, first time going to so many concerts in one month (like 6), first time having my eye swollen shut, first time singing in a rock band (even though it was my dad, and some uncles and cousins), first time ending something that was so big in my life, first time realizing I was more alone than I realized or wanted to be, first time telling that to someone, first time accepting it.

Today, I had planned on either finishing one of my summer reading books, or starting my summer homework. I did neither. But I did read about 50 pages. I'm going so slowly with my work and reading this summer because of this one book I have to read for AP English. I can't stand it. But I suspect I'll write more about that later on this week, when I'm trying to get through that blasted book.

And I think I'll end here. It's now 11:46. I think I'm going to curl my hair and watch old Doctor Who episodes from the classic series. Curl my hair because it looks terrible right now but hopefully it'll look okay tomorrow curled(ish), even after sleeping on it. And Doctor Who because it's basically the BEST TV SHOW EVER and since I've long since finished watching the new series, I've been going back and watching the old show, the one that started back in the 60's.

Random Awesome Video of the Day:

2010-05-31T18:52:00.000-07:00

there's honestly no point in having this anymore

"you smell just like Christmas"

2010-01-01T13:44:00.001-08:00

Hi. Hello blog, how are you. Long time no see. I'm a little rusty.

I'm blogging again because Aren, my awesome blogger friend, said I should, and because I'm probably going to be staying home all day and since I've started posting on other websites I've been neglecting too (flickr, ficly) I thought maybe I should here too.

It's 13 hours and 46 minutes into 2010, and basically all I've done is sit in front of the computer, eat, text, and sleep. Great way to bring in the new year.

ok I'm really really rusty with this whole blogging thing... I'm not sure I even remember how to.

What do I want in 2010?

Truthfully, I'm scared to make my expectations too high. I think I just want to let happen what ever happens. I don't know. Maybe... do instead of think about doing. Does that make sense?

These past couple months have been stressful and crazy with a bunch of different things going on... but also pretty amazing. Some pretty awesome things have happened that I've been waiting for forever basically. And that's all I have to say about that =]

This winter break has been such a relief. Like, everything making my life stressful and crazy and busy all the time stopped for these two weeks, and it was like I could finally breath, you know? So basically this break I've been doing almost nothing productive, watching a ton of doctor who and random movies on the internet, spending too much time on the computer, staying up late and sleeping in, and spending time with the people I want to spend time with.

Oh! Also for christmas I got a new camera that's really super awesome so I've been taking a ton of pictures.

Also I got my hair dyed a while ago, like this really dark redish almost purpley color. It didn't turn out really how I wanted it to, but I liked it nonetheless. Since then it's faded into the color that I originally wanted it to be though... (like closer to brownish red instead of blackish red) so maybe the guy that did it knew that would happen. Or maybe I'm just lucky =D

You know what I love? Udon. Like I just can't get enough udon. Probably my all time favorite food ever. Closely followed by indian food and chow mein (but not together of course) and then spagetti. I'm going to stop talking about food now. It's kind of making me hungry.

I've started driving. I'm a little late, I've been 16 since August, but better late than never I guess. I got my permit near the end of October, and since then I've driven with my dad in the Rose Bowl parking lot, but I hadn't actually driven in the streets or anything until I had a lesson with a driving instructor last week. So basically she drove down from my house (because where I live is really hilly and curvy and not good for someone who's never driven before) and then pulled over and we changed seats. I was so scared- probably unreasonably scared, for like the first 5 minutes driving on the actual road. But it's weird, after those first moments my fear completely went away. I'm actually kind of excited for the next lesson =D

You know what soundtrack I can't get over? The 500 Days of Summer soundtrack. I got it in the summer when it first came out (well, George burned it for me) and since then I've been obsessed. Every song is so good by itself but they still go well together as a whole. They're so different from each other but they go so well together. I just love it. Also, the Paper Heart soundtrack. I've had it on repeat all day. I love that one too.

I think for me 2009 was a music discovery year (along with other things). I came across and found a lot of music and the amount that I knew kind of exploded. Don't you just love when that happens? I love it. And it's not hard... music is like everywhere if you're looking.

Some pictures

-People-

George

family

friends

-taken by me-

-experiments-

Abbey

Kelly

all I know

2009-10-19T21:04:00.001-07:00

I'm hurting and I miss you and everything is going so fast and it's scaring me and I don't have time to breath or to think and I think something is wrong with me and I can't get past this and I'm always like this and I don't think I know an inbetween between happy and sad and I'm confused all of the time and my head hurts and my legs hurt and I don't know why I can't just not be like this and I don't know what's wrong and I need things to just stop and I need things to make sense in my head for just once and everything needs to stop spinning and all I know is I MISS YOU like crazy

I miss you

no time to catch up, need to keep up

2009-10-07T19:00:00.001-07:00

I'm getting lost in the music.
in the craziness of times like these.
tons of stress and no free time.
people. old friends, new faces.
lots and lots of new faces.
changes. new replacing old.
a never ending whirlwind of crazy, busy times.
no time to catch up, need to keep up.
colors and faces and places
and music.
only stopping when you hear the music.
and the the happiness you give me,
making me stop and feel,
making me stop and listen
to the music.
I'm getting lost in it

but I like it there

sometimes,

2009-07-27T21:28:00.001-07:00

my heart hurts a little

The Way the Night Works

2009-05-29T00:16:00.000-07:00

I explained how the night works to Amy at lunch today.

See, there's that period where you get tired. It's different for different people, but for me it's usually around 11:30. For people who go to bed earlier, it's earlier for them. That's when people generally go to sleep, or are supposed to. During the tired time period.

But then, after a certain point, you're not tired anymore. Or at least I'm not. You get sleepier and sleepier, but then as you kind of get used to not being asleep... you just stop being tired. And you're almost wide awake. It's so weird. For me, this time varies. Sometimes it's around 1, sometimes later. Today it's early, right now it's like 12:20. Actually, I never got tired today... maybe it's because of the caffeine. I'll probably crash sometime soon tonight. ANYWAYS.

And then after that period... if you stay up really late... you get to the surreal period. (anyone who's pulled an all-nighter or almost-all-nighter knows what this is like I think). I think this normally happens around 4, maybe a little earlier (or later...). It's where nothing feels real anymore. Like you look around and you're like... what am I doing? But then you just keep doing it because... well. Just because. For different reasons. Really, I mean, let's say you're doing homework. The restrictions or guidelines for whatever your doing start to become like... blurred. You allow more to go into your paper or project... and it either ends up improved or not making sense. If you're reading... your whole world kind of becomes the world of your book because the world your in is asleep... so much so that when you look up from your book you're a little dizzy.

See... you kind of just go from being normal (tired because it's night) to not so normal (not tired in the middle of the night) to kind of insane (making stuff up in your head)

So. That's the way the night works.

you should beware... half of what I say is usually me making up stuff and improvising in my rambling. it's all true and relevant to me... but may have no truth or validity in your life.

"Volcanic Vehemence"

2009-05-22T07:05:00.000-07:00

"I know no medium: I never in my life have known any medium in my dealings with positive submission and determined revolt. I have always faithfully observed the one, up to the very moment of bursting, sometimes with volcanic vehemence, into the other; and as neither present circumstances warranted, nor my present mood inclined me to mutiny"
-Jane Eyre

man, that's like, my LIFE right there

It's... Something

2009-05-19T19:40:00.000-07:00

I mean, maybe it's just me. Maybe I just can't stay in one spot for too long, maybe I just can't stick permanently.

Because it's the same feeling I've always gotten. The gut feeling. The sinking feeling. I got it there... I get it here too.

Maybe I'm meant to just be flakey and inconsistent, maybe that's how I am. Everything about me. Everything, to what I say... to what I think... to what mood I'm in even. It's that roller coaster all over again. Never ending. Always going.

I'm always going 100 miles an hour, never stopping to breath. And then freezing. Fucking freezing. And sinking. And then going and going and going and running and being on top of the world and never... I don't know. Never being in the middle.

I'm kind of a mess.
But when I stop to think about it... it's how I've always been. 2nd grade. 3rd grade. 4th grade. 5th grade. 6th grade. 7th grade. 8th grade. and... 9th grade. every year, every time... I'm looking back at everything and just... feeling that same sinking feeling. Knowing something is wrong... but not knowing what.

Never knowing what.

"the secrets of the worlds"

2009-05-16T19:01:00.000-07:00

It's weird, I first read Jane Eyre in 6th grade. I remember it clearly, I read the majority of the book in a condo in Las Vegas in the first week after the new year. We had driven there, my sister, my mom, and I, with my sister's friend and her mom on january 1, 2006. holy crap. 2006. I think I just realized... that really was a while ago. wow.

Anyways. There were a couple different reasons we all went there, I'm not going to go into those right now. But we know someone who owns a condo there, so that's where we stayed. And I just remember reading Jane Eyre whenever I got the chance, reading on the balcony, reading on the blow-up mattress, reading on the couch, on the carpet, at the table. It's like... ugh, so hard to explain the feeling. Like, remembering a place. I don't just remember the place, to remember it is to remember Jane Eyre, Casting Crowns, old mini ipods, that green roxy hat, the blue men, the blue men kiss on my cheek, sophia and victoria, the animals in the hotel, sudoku, the hospital, that tv (oh goodness), the blue and pink bathroom towels, that huge mirror, the bird's nest, the balcony, that car, making scrambled eggs, the card table... just. the whole thing. the whole trip for me, just kind of meshes into this whole blur of different... things. You know what I mean?

(haha... no, camille... I dont... you make no sense. we've never been there, camille)

Anyways. this post wasn't even supposed to be about that. It was supposed to be about Jane Eyre.

Ok, the point is, I had to read Jane Eyre over again for school this year. And... it's a completely different book for me. Like, the second time I read it... it just seemed completely different. I've reread books before, and they've changed for me in the past, but not to this extent. I guess the first time I read the book I didn't really understand all of it because of how it's written, but it's more than that. It's just... not the same book. It is, but it means different things now. And it doesn't really have anything to do with analyzing it in class.

I do remember some parts though. There are two spots in particular... that I remember, crystal clear. Like, not just remembering the scene, but remembering where I was, what I was thinking, while reading it. It was pretty insane. I mean, obviously usually when I read books I remember where I was reading it before, but it was different because I actually already knew what was going to happen in the book. This time, I really didn't remember a lot.

It just... brought me back to laying on that blow-up mattress, that barely fit in the space between the front of the bed and the drawers, reading late at night, after everyone else was alseep, and me trying to stay up and reading this- at the time kind of creepy- part of the book. It's a feeling I'm very familiar with, rereading books a lot and all... but I don't know. It was different this time.

I can't really explain it very well, sorry you had to read this atrocity of me failing to describe something that was pretty stupid in the first place. I kind of realize that there's really no way for someone to completely understand a feeling like that that's in someone else's head. Like, you could have something similar, but then again you can't really be sure that it's the same thing. And you don't have to be. That's kind of the beauty of each of our thoughts being our own in the first place.

You know?
just kidding.
Wait what?
haha... sorry.

On a completely different note... spell check is AMAZING =D

"crashing by desire"

2009-05-08T01:21:00.000-07:00

Current Obsessions

Ballet Dancer- The Twins

Accidents Will Happen- Elvis Costello and the Attractions

The Equestrian Statue- Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band

Beard Lust- Natalie Portman's Shaved Head

Mr. Tambourine Man- The Byrds

Jane Eyre

soda in cans

cookie dough

extravagant doodles

bright colors

purple

high-tops

wildly-straight hair

~~~~*~~~~*~~~~*~~~~*~~~~

I'm coming to realize that I just don't have much to say.

Not much to say at all.

I'd much rather show you.

It's a feeling. A feeling of the sun coming back. Of walking with your ipod on, an inner bouncing, an inner laugh, an inner smile. of feeling a little bit too cool because of the shoes you're wearing. of uniform skirts, uniquely worn. of cement-on-converse-shoes. of psychedelic pictures and colors and sounds in your head from the music you hear. of bright, bright colors. bright... bright but soft. soft edges, soft and smooth swirls of pen. of making something pretty out of something ordinary. of having your own color code- making the petals of the flowers green and the stems pink. of making the grass blue, the water green and the sun purple. of chipped purple nail polish. of drinking from soda cans and feeling a bit too cool doing it. of bare-feet and late night studying. of the stillness of the house after everyone else is asleep. of sunglasses. of new ballet shoes replacing old beat-up ones. of the smell of... the smell of summer. of laughing in the midst of the end-of-school-year madness. of being stressed during the day... and carefree at night. of smileys and talks with mom and jokes with dad. of not taking things too seriously. it's a feeling. The oddest feeling. I can't tell you. I might just be able to show you. But probably not =D

It's livng. It's finding your own way. I'm not you, you're not me. Let's not pretend to be. Let's just... let's just be free.

*all pictures are mine- taken by me, edited by me* ... just to let y'all know

BEDA 21: Epic Spontanious Shakespearian Harry Potter Stories

2009-04-30T07:13:00.000-07:00

I haven't done a post in a week. I'm not sure if we classify that as me just missing a LOT of days... or me just giving up.

oh well. either way... it's a FAIL.

But anyways... it's the last day! Last April post! or... last day feeling guilty for not posting! Except I'm not going to feel guilty about that today, since I'm actually posting =D

Today is Thursday, I get out of school early. I'm not sure why. And I don't have school tomorrow, I just have this mother-daughter thing to go to at my school. So that's pretty awesome.

These past two weeks back from break have been crazy. And busy. The dance concert went really well, by the way. Everyone pretty much loved our dance =D. It's really different from the rest of the dances in the concert. I'm not quite sure how that happened. Now my next show is in June, which is with the company and studio I'm with. I'm excited for that =]

On Tuesday, my friends and I had a potluck at lunch. We did it on Tuesday because that's my video day for 7awesomehorcruxes. But... alas... I forgot my camera. fail. But it was really fun. We're going to have one next week I think too. And they toasted to me! It was awesome =D

Yesterday, Wednesday, was pretty awesome too. There was a theater club meeting, where they were having a "talentless show". Only for theater club (theater club is HUGE at my school). Now, I'm not in theater club. The only one in our little group of friends that IS in theater club is my friend Nora. But she wanted to do something, so she got us to do it with her. Well actually she got Cathy to do it with her, and then I decided I wanted to do it with them, and then Cathy and I kind of put two other friends in it too (this was all that yesterday before lunch). Soo at the talentless show, people were doing the kinds of things you would expect, little skits, little one-person act things, little dances, even one person being Fred. She was pretty awesome too.

And then... we go up. It starts off with Cathy and Nora being Romeo and Juliet at the balcony scene, and then they somehow start singing The Circle of Life. Then I come on (I'm Harry Potter) and my friend Amy comes on from the opposite side of the stage (we never decided if she was voldemort or snape) and interrupt them, by me shouting "adavera kadavera!" and Amy falling, dead, to the floor. Then my friend Ali (who is Draco) comes on behind me, and we get into an epic slap fight. This whole time, romeo and juliet are wondering what harry potter characters are doing in their play. Then they decide to break up our slap fight, and amy rises from the dead, and we all do the Macarena. The end.

It was pretty awesome. I just found it really funny that only one of us was actually supposed to be there. The rest of us pretty much crashed =D

Soo... I have to leave in 20 minutes to go to school, and I still have to do my math homework. So, bye everyone. To everyone who ever commented, or even just read, any of my posts... thank you so much. Like, I really mean it. Thanks =]

Goodbye now =]

BEDA 20: Hey... you

2009-04-23T16:27:00.000-07:00

Hellooo everyone. Yeah, I missed three days of blogs. Um... yeah. sorry about that.

This weekend (actually tonight is the first show) is the dance concert at my school. I'm only in one dance, but I've been really busy with it. I'm doing video for the first half of the show since I'm only in the second half too. The rehearsals have been from 5-10 for the past three days, so basically I've been coming home for like an hour then going back to school for rehearsal. Then I haven't been getting home till about 10:30 or 40, and doing homework until I fall asleep basically. Soo yeah. sorry about that.

I guess I could have written the posts during that one hour at home... but honestly... I've been lazy about it. Oh well. I guess I fail =D

So I guess I don't really have that much else to say... and not really any more time to say it anyways... since I have to get ready to leave now... but the first show (of 4 shows) is tonight, and I'm actually getting a little excited.

The dance I'm in is really cool (well I think it is). It's hard to explain, but it has to do with little kind of creepy baby dolls for 5 of us, and long wedding 1800's style wedding dresses for the other 5. It's the "creepy dance" of the show I guess. I'm just worried I'm going to start laughing, because we know the audience is going to at a couple points in the dance. This show is cool because each dance or video (there are some videos being shown that were done by the video production classes) is based off of a piece or pieces of art.

Ok, I'm running late (in case you haven't noticed, I'm one of those people that's late to almost everything) so I gotta go now.

uggh 4 days back at school and I'm already behind on homework =/

BEDA 19: creating, dancing, movie-making, and indian food

2009-04-19T22:46:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone! I'm pretty pretty, goffy, awesome, and fantabulous. (haha pretty pretty)

I didn't really feel like writing my blog today, thats why George wrote it for me instead.

Notice how it's not three in the morning!? I'm going to go to sleep at a reasonable time tonight, because I have school tomorrow.

Today started off badly because I was still feeling really guilty because I mercilessly slaughtered a mosquito last night.

But then it got better because I had soggy rice chex!! About that...I kind of like soggy cereal, even though most people think that it is gross.

Anyways- cereal for lunch. pretty cool

Then I went to a dance rehearsal at my school. (I did amazing) My mom went with me too, and for some reason spent more time there than me.

I also sent off my wonderful "Creator" piece (that I wrote for YWS) to my teacher. I'm really nervous about that. I have no idea what other people will think of it. I really hope they like it.

After dance I went to the park with my AWESOME friends, and made a movie/short film/thing. It kind of has a complicated story line, but basically it's about a guy (a pretty cool guy too) who kills himself... by eating tic tacs.

I got to pretend to be dead in it!! I couldn't stop giggling though.

The movie isn't ready to be shown yet, but it will be eventually.
You should watch it when it's done! Look for it at:

http://www.youtube.com/user/7awesomehorcruxes

Also, watch the videos on tuesday.
Well.... the videos that are supposed to be made on tuesdays.

OH MY GOD!!! new postsecrets today!!

For dinner I got indian food!! I really like indian food. only vegetarian indian food though. cause im a vegetable.

Okay. Tomorrow
Bleh.

I have to go to school tomorrow. I really, really, really don't want to. I guess seeing my friends will be fun, and latin will be good. I really love my latin teacher.

Classes will suck though.

After school I have dance!! I'm such a lava rock. but im not actually going to go, because I have to go to another rehearsal for the dance show at my school. Sooo much dancing.

AND IM SOOOOOOO EXCITED FOR MONACO. (speaking of monaco, don't forget: may 24- monaco grand prix)

BEDA 18: Busy-ness, Movies, and Barbecues

2009-04-19T01:04:00.000-07:00

Hello, whoever you are, reading my blog.

I'm going to tell you about these last two days. Because that's all I seem to do in these BEDA posts these days, tell you about what I've been doing in my life. I've been strangely busy this spring break. I expected to have a lot of free time, hanging out at home, kind of wondering what to do, like what I usually do during breaks. But these past two weeks I really haven't spent that much time not doing anything. I've been on vacation, visiting family, hanging out with friends, just, doing different things. It's a nice breath away from my usual life. Which I'm also busy in, very busy, with homework and such. But I also usually spend an ungodly amount of time on the computer. It's been a nice break from that. I really like it.

Anyways. So. the last two days.

Friday.
My cousin, my sister, and I decided to walk to the movie theater near old town (did I tell you guys about old town? I don't remember...). Anyways, we walked to the movie theater from my house, it took us like 40 minutes. And we saw 17 Again. It was pretty good, better than I expected actually. Zac Efron did a good job, I think. Also, it had good music =] There was a Santogold song, and a song by The Virgins, both of which I got really excited for when we were watching the movie.

Then after the movie my cousin decided to go back to grandpa's and stay with him for a while before she and her dad go back to their home. And my sister had to leave for dance. I ended up meeting up with my friend Ali from school, she rode her bike over to where I was and we saw Monsters vs. Aliens in 3D. (yeah, I'm seeing all the movies for the kids. oh well =D) And then afterwards we ended up going back to my house, and my cousin, uncle, and grandpa came over, and we barbecued.

It was actually a really fun night, my parents, my sister, my grandpa, my uncle, my cousin, Ali, and I all hanging out and eating Mexican barbecued food. It was awesome =D. Later that night my sister, Ali, and I stayed in my room watching MadTV clips and other random youtube videos until we took her home at like 11:30 at night. That's why I didn't do my post, because when I came back home from taking Ali home I just watched more MadTV clips until I fell asleep.

ok. today. Saturday.
so like usual I had dance from 10:30-5. Then after dance I ended up going to the movies with some other friends from school, and we saw 17 Again. Then got Coldstone ice cream =D

So... I went to the movies 3 times over the past 2 days, but only saw 2 different movies. haha. fun times.

And tomorrow I have pretty interesting plans. A dance rehearsal at school, then making a movie/video with some friends at a park near my house. But you'll hear about that tomorrow =D

Ok, well, it's 1 now and I'm not tired at all. Earlier there was one of those HUGE mosquitoes in my room, and now I'm freaked out that it's still in here, even though I SAW it in the living room. I get really paranoid about bugs. Like once I see one, I feel them crawling all over me, even though there's nothing there. and I SEE them everywhere, when they're really not there. darn creepy bugs. It's going to take me a long time to get to sleep tonight...

anyways, goodbye now! hope everyone has/had a WONDERFUL day! =D

BEDA 17: BLEH

2009-04-18T18:40:00.000-07:00

I fail.

I didn't write a blog post yesterday. I mean, I was going to, but I fell asleep watching old MadTV clips on youtube. I know, pathetic, right?

Ok. So. I fail. fail fail fail.

I'll write a better post after dance tonight.

...I'm so late right now

BEDA 16: Writings, Videos, and Bad Habits

2009-04-17T03:37:00.001-07:00

So today it's not 2 in the morning... today it's 3 in the morning. Haha. But oddly, I'm not as tired. Probably because I haven't just been sitting here not really doing anything... but being busy. Well, kind of busy.

Ok. The first half of today was pretty uneventful. I woke up kind of late, it took me like an hour to actually get out of bed. And then I finally wrote this thing that has been kind of hanging over my head since the friday before break. You know that feeling? Where even when you're happy, you can't really ever be in a good mood because you keep being reminded by this THING that you can't get over being... nervous, anxious, or worried about. I don't know. Little things get like that for me.

So anyways. At school I'm in Young Writers' Society, and every year the club puts out this "literary magazine" thing. So I had to submit something since I'm in the club. But like... I really didn't like my submission, so the teacher said I could email her something during break to use instead. Now, those of you who've read past blog entries know, that I haven't really had a ton of free time just sitting in front of the computer. Well, not as much as usual during breaks anyways, for me at least. This was the first day I really had time to do it, so I decided I might as well. But it's been bugging me, I can't really... get it. I just, haven't been able to. For months. Just, ever since the writing website I used to go on shut down (ficlets), I haven't been able to do it. Just... I don't know. I can't explain it. It frustrates me. It frustrates me practically to tears sometimes. I just... the feeling just makes me want to rip my hair out.

Well, I wrote something. I don't know if I like it though. I don't know if I want people to read it.

Anways...
So then later on in the day my sister and I started filming a video. But then we had to stop because we had to go to dance. So that was... the usual. Hard.

After dance, my cousin (same cousin as earlier this week) came over, and is staying the night again (yay!). She's leaving to go back to her home tomorrow night though =[ The nights she wasn't here she was staying at our grandpa's house.

So anyways, from after dance to about 2:30 or 3 in the morning, we were making and editing the video. It's just a silly thing, but I'm actually kind of proud of it =D (I mean, come on, it took hours to do)
See, I have this bad habit of not admitting I'm proud of things. Like, for fear of other people not liking it or something, or people not taking it seriously, or something like that, I don't know, I kind of just wave it off. Hours of work. Whether it's something I've written, something I've made, something I've done, I'll just call it stupid. Say it's not good. Whatever. Beat the viewers to the punch I guess.
It's a bad, stupid habit. But I don't know, I do it, all the time. I mean, sometimes things really are bad or stupid, and I know it. But then sometimes I really actually like what I did. But, you know, it's easier to handle people's reactions if you act like you don't take it seriously in the first place.

haha, I'm getting off topic.
Video. We were just having fun =]
Here's the address if you want to watch it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MNj2vGSshoQ
There's no obligation to watch it if you don't want to though. Just, it's there if you happen to want to =]

goodbye! hope everyone has/had a great day! =]

BEDA 15: another one

2009-04-17T02:57:00.000-07:00

Soo... it's 2 in the morning again. I really shouldn't let myself not do a blog until this late. This post is going to be just as crappy as yesterday's, because I'm just as tired.

hahaha I read that post again this morning... all of the spelling mistakes and stuff... definitely showed how tired I was =D

So today was really fun. I went to a theme park with my sister and my dad. I LOVE roller coasters, so it was awesome =D big, fast, upside-down ones. The last time I went to this theme park, I hurt my back pretty badly, and i ended up having back problems for a couple months after (which is bad, for a dancer like me). So it was nice going back and still being able to WALK by the end of the night =D

ugghh I'm tired. Every time I yawn my eyes water up A LOT and it's like I'm crying. Tired. going to sleep now. sorry for 2 crappy posts in a row.

(grrrr blogger is unavailable right now. I guess I'll have to put this on my blog on blogspot in the morning =/)

BEDA 14: crappy post

2009-04-15T02:16:00.000-07:00

ah-ha, so I've kind of be freaking out a little bit about what this should be about.

It's 2 in the morning, and I'm so tired, I would like ot be asleep now.

I went to my grampa's today, it was night seeing and talking to the family that was there.

oh geez, I'm really tired.

tomorrow my dad, my sister, and I are going to an amusment park, I'm excited.

ok. sorry this is crappy. I need to sleep now. bye

BEDA 13: And another day goes by...

2009-04-13T22:39:00.000-07:00

Today has been an interesting day.

The morning was pretty uneventful, just the three of us (my cousin, my sister, and I) getting ready, hanging out, and watching gilmore girls. Then later on we decided to go walk around Old Town (basically like a town with a bunch of shops and restaurants and stuff). It's funny because my cousin doesn't live around here, she lives like 5 hours away, so she was very surprised by the crosswalks in Old Town. There are these two big intersections where you can cross diagonally too, so they have a point where no cars are going and everyone is crossing in all directions.

After old town, I met up with this guy and took pictures for his album cover. haha, there is a story behind this.

So this guy, he's a freshman at my school's 'brother school' because, you know, I go to an all girls school. He does confirmation with me, that's how I met him. In confirmation, he's in the same group as me when we go into our small little 'discussion groups'. So anyways. We're friends on facebook, and I posted some pictures I had edited and stuff, because I'm in to that. Photography and such. So yeah, he saw the pictures and asked me to help with his album cover for the album he's making. So that's what I did today, I met up with him and took some pictures. His friend was supposed to come who likes photography too, but he couldn't come apparently. So now I need to edit and email them to him.

Then after that I went to dance class. Our next show is in June, and we're doing this one Hades dance. There are demons and fire rocks, and some smaller kids are going to be flames or something like that. And there is going to be scaffolds that we dance and climb on too. It should be a really cool dance when it's done.

And then at night my uncle and grandpa came over and ate dinner with us, and we all visited and talked for like an hour or two. It was nice. My grandpa was telling stories from the war. I learned more about some of my cousins and one of my aunts. I'm always learning more about my family's history and lives and things, because I'm one of the youngest on both sides (since both my parents were the youngest siblings). I love my family.

And that was my day =D
Sorry this was just another update blog. Well actually I'm not really sorry, just, I don't know.

haha, anyways.

I'm going to go back and watch tv with my sister, mom, and cousin now probably. Oh yeah, my cousin is sleeping over again. It'll be fun =]

goodbye! =]

BEDA 12: My Lovely Day

2009-04-12T23:53:00.000-07:00

So today was Easter! And for me that means seeing family. Because I have a huge family.

So... this blog post is just going to consist of me talking about my day. To let you know in advance.

This morning I woke up at like 7 to do video at mass at church in the morning. I love doing video, because then I can be at church and not pay attention at all, but concentrate on something I have fun doing. (that's kind of horrible... the liking-not-paying-attention part... but oh well) And the thing is, I LIKE things like that. I mean, not only to I love video, but I just like... work. Like, being part of something like that, being on a crew, using a skill and getting better at it through routine. I don't really know how to explain it, so I just call it 'work'.

Anyways.

After mass my cousin in law came over early to cook prime rib, because apparently it takes like 4 hours. Which it did. It took 4 hours. I don't know anything about prime rib... it's not like I would really... being vegetarian and all. There were a bunch of people over at my house today, and they didn't all know each other. A lot of my mom's side of the family, a lot of my dad's side of the family, some family friends of ours, and even our neighbors from across the street. It was really fun.

There were 4 little kids here today too: 2 of my second cousins, my cousin's husband's second cousin (or something like that...), and our neighbor. So we had an easter egg hunt for them. Kelly and I had the pleasure of hiding that eggs =D.

And... my aunt dressed up as a Peep. I'm betting you guys probably know what peeps are... you know... the marshmallow easter candy things. She dressed up as one. It was so funny. Nerdfighter status right there.

Soo there are 12 minutes left of today, I'm going to wrap this up since my sister and my cousin are probably wondering where I am and why I'm being "anti-social" again, even though it's almost midnight and everyone has gone home except for my cousin. Because she's sleeping over. We actually just finished watching Slumdog Millionaire (yeah, I know, I FINALLY saw it). And it was really really good. But I'm betting that either you've seen it so you know that, or someone has told you how good it is already.

Anyways. Goodbye. Hope you had an awesome day, and an awesome easter for those of you who, you know, celebrate it and all.

I got chocolate too! It was awesome =D

BEDA 11: A Quiz Because I'm Tired

2009-04-12T00:42:00.000-07:00

There are 10 more minutes left of today and I don't really have the energy to come up with a topic and I know I say that a lot and I'm sorry about that but it's true right now and now this run-on is becoming a little bit ridiculous.

So... today I'm just going to do one of those slightly-annoying facebook survey things. Hey, you can read and get to know me a little bit more, or you can skip it and not miss anything =]. Well actually you can always skip these and not miss anything, but whatever.

Here goes nothing...

STEP ONE:
Spell your name with songs.

Crawling Towards the Sun- The Hush Sound
After the Gold Rush- Neil Young
Marching Bands of Manhattan- Death Cab for Cutie
I Can't Explain- The Who
Lady Stardust- David Bowie
L.E.S. Artistes- Santogold
Even If It Kills Me- Motion City Sountrack

STEP TWO:
– Name: Camille
– Birth date: 8/26/93
– Nickname: camillo, camillie, millie, camillio
– Eye Color: brown
– Hair Color: brown (and pinkish...)
– Zodiac Sign: virgo?

STEP THREE:
– The shoes you wore today: yellow converse (the rubber part was partly black and partly white
– Your weaknesses: a lot...
– Your fear(s): suffocation
– Goal you’d like to achieve: to be happy

STEP FOUR:
– Your best physical feature: eyes
– Your bedtime: HA right
– Most missed memory: late night ficlet-writing

STEP FIVE:
This Or That…
– Pepsi or Coke?: ew.. (HA sorry george)
– McDonald’s or Burger King: bleh, it all has meat
– Adidas or Nike: neither...
– Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: again, neither
- Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate all the way
– Cappuccino or coffee: ...neither...

STEP SIX:
Do You…
– Sing: not around people other than kelly belly
– Dance: haha... yeah... =D
– Take a shower: um, yes, I do take showers.
– Have a crush: =]
– Do you think you’ve been in love?: I don't think so
– Want to go to college: mhm
– Like high school: sometimes
--Want to get married: maybe
– Get motion sickness: sometimes
– Think you’re attractive: not really
– Think you’re a health freak: about SOME things
– Get along with your parents: ...sometimes

STEP SEVEN:
In the past month…
– Gone to the mall: nope, I don't think so
– Eaten an entire box of Oreos: nope
– Eaten Sushi: haha, nope. bleh.
– Been on stage: yep =D
– Gone skating: no...
– Made homemade cookies: haha yeah =D

Do you like candy necklaces?: mhm =]
When was the last time you fell over or ran into something?: a couple hours ago =D while hugging kelly belly (my sister)
Do you listen to music every day?: um, of course
Do you still go trick or treating? : well I did last year =D
What was the last thing you ate?: dibs and pocky with kelly. HA. it was funny.
Do you type fast?: yep
What is your favorite type of soda?: HANSENS. all the way.
Have you ever moved?: yep
Have you ever won an award?: mhm
Are you listening to music right now?: of course
How long ’till your birthday?: 4 months
When were you the saddest in your whole life?: I don't know...
Do you use Ebay to buy or sell?: no..
Who makes you mad?: people who try to act like they know what they're talking about.
Have you ever heard a song written about you?: no...
Something you want to happen in 2010?: be... better. at a lot of things.
Summer 2009: figure stuff out
Honestly, do you miss 2008?: kind of

HONESTY SECTION
1. Honestly, what color is your underwear? : what a stupid question
2. Honestly, whats on your mind?: god, so much
3. Honestly, what are you doing right now? : ...this quiz... and pretending to clean my room
6. Honestly, have you done something bad today?: probably
8. Honestly, who is the last person you talked to on the phone?: haha, dad
9. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?: mhm
10. Honestly, what makes you mad most of the time?: when you don't LISTEN
11. Honestly, do you bite your nails?: nope
13. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very moment?: mhm
14. Honestly, are you keeping a big secret?: ...maybe... =D
15. Honestly, do you have a friend you don’t actually like?: um...
17. Honestly, are you in denial?: about...?
18. Honestly, do you get up in the middle of the night and eat?: haha, sometimes
19. Honestly, do you like anyone?: wasn't this already asked?
20. Honestly, does anyone like you?: no

ANGER SECTION
1. What do you do when you’re mad?: pace
2. What’s the worst thing you’ve done when you were mad?: said things I didn't mean
3. Ever made anyone cry when you were mad?: mhm

CRYING SECTION
1. When was the last time you actually cried?: um
2. Ever cried yourself to sleep?: mhm
3. Do certain songs make you cry?: definitely
4. What usually makes you cry?: a lot

HAPPY SECTION
1. Are you usually a happy person?: depends on who I'm with
2. What makes you the happiest?: certain people
3. Do you believe in yourself?: not really
5. When people say they think you are good looking/pretty, do you get happy?: well, kind of yeah =D for a little while

alright... goodbye now =D

BEDA 10: Reconnecting

2009-04-10T17:27:00.000-07:00

So tonight I'm going to the movies with a couple of old friends on mine. Well actually, one of them I'm still really good friends with. The other one, I haven't talked to in a long time, except for the past few days.

See, a couple years ago I had a group of friends that have all kind of spread apart now. I'm still really good friends with 2 of them, the rest I don't really talk to anymore. A week ago I kind of started talking to one of those people again, and we decided it would be cool to all go to the movies sometime, and hang out with that old group of people.

So, that's what we're doing tonight. Except it kind of failed, because the only people that could go or that answered their phone were the one who I started talking to again, my friend who I'm still close to, and me. There was one other person we thought maybe would go, but he still hasn't answered us. We don't think he'll be going, since it's in an hour.

So our plan kind of failed, but it will still be a fun night. It's really cool, getting back in touch with people you never really thought you'd talk to again. There are a lot of old friends I remember that I wish I could see again. It's nice that we're doing this, or that we tried to do this. I don't know, it's just cool.

So that's what I'm doing tonight. Should be fun =]

BEDA 9: Regret

2009-04-10T01:26:00.001-07:00

I'm late. It's 1 AM, and I haven't written a blog post for today (technically yesterday) yet.

Today I got back home from the trip with my mom about 8:30, it was an awesome trip, I had a lot of fun.

Ok, I kind of bad about these posts. They're getting worse and worse. I just feel like I have nothing to say at all, which is weird for me, because it's kind of a first.

But I feel bad because these posts are kind of pointless. Ok. You know what? They're not going to be pointless anymore. Starting tonight. I was going to start tomorrow, but I have something I want to talk about today. It's pretty short, but it's exactly what I want to say.

It's about... regretting. For a couple of years, I've been kind of regretting this whole big thing that happened with someone. I'm usually pretty good about letting things go. I mean, for a while I wasn't, I held onto everything. But after a while, I decided to let things go, and things were a lot better after that. But I always kind of held onto this. I always regretted everything about it, I couldn't even stand to think about it without hating how stupid I was all over again. For a while I would get a little sick at the thought of it.

And you know, it's weird. It's really strange, what life does to you. I honestly thought I would go through the rest of my life hating this person and regretting everything. But you know... all it takes is one conversation, one honest conversation, to change things. See, I'm a lot more honest and open than I used to be, so when I started talking to this person a little again, that's how I was.

It wasn't like a big deal. I just... said sorry. Admitted how pathetic I acted, and we kind of figured out stuff that went wrong. It wasn't really a big deal, but just because of that, I can move on. I can, not regret it anymore, I can actually let it go. And I don't hate this person. Not at all. I don't have any hate or dislike for this person, and no more huge regret, at least about this. Something that had been kind of eating me up, is gone now.

It's a great feeling =]

BEDA 8: Great Day

2009-04-08T22:23:00.000-07:00

Today has been a really fun day. It might not still be April 8th where you are, but it still is here, and will be for aomost 2 hours.

Today I woke up at like 8 and went with my mom out to the ocean and took like 150 pictures (then deleted like 30). Then we drove about an hour to where my some of our family live and hung out with them the rest of the day. It was a really great day =]

And I got new shoes! They excite me =D

I really don't have anything to say, and not enough energy, or will, to come up with anything interesting or blog-worthy. Not that what I usually say is.

So goodbye, hope you had a great day too!

BEDA 7: Produce and youtube

2009-04-07T08:00:00.000-07:00

It's almost 8 AM right now, usually there is no way I would be up right now during break. But today I've been up since 5, getting ready to leave to go on vacation with my mom.

My mom works in the produce business, so basically buying fruit and vegetables from growers and selling it to like markets and stuff. So right now I'm at my mom's office, because we had to stop at her work before leaving. I'm not sure how long we're going to be here, probably like an hour. But before we came here we went to the grower's market, where they have all of the produce. So that was cool. I kinda felt like people were looking at us like "who is this lady with this teenage girl with a camera, and what are they doing here?" But it was cool.

Last night was really fun. As you (might) know, I went over my friend Nora's house. We swam in her pool, ate Chinese food, and played rock band. We played rock band for soo long. I suck so much at rock band. Like, it's not even funny. So basically I sang the whole time. It was so fun. I was rapping to Beastie Boys =D I brought my camera and we video-taped, because I had to make a Tuesday video.

See, I'm part of one of those many rip-off 5awesome/7awesome channels. We didn't meet online, however, we met in real life. The reason we made the channel was to help us stay in touch, when we all stopped going to the same school.

Anyways.
So yeah, when I got home last night I edited that video, and I guess you can watch it if you really want to. (it has really bad lighting though, which made the quality horrible)
I can't post a link though, because youtube is blocked at my mom's office. Our channel is called 7awesomehorcruxes though. I don't expect you to start watching our channel or anything, I'm just saying, if you're interested =D

Soo I don't really have anything to say. Haha, I've been saying that every day haven't I? Oh well. Blogging every day is odd, because usually I only blog when I have something to say, here it's the opposite. I know I need to blog, so I kind of create something to say. All you other BEDAers probably already know all of this though, since you're doing the same thing =D

Alright, so that's it from me today.
Have a great day!

BEDA 6: Favorites

2009-04-06T13:52:00.000-07:00

So today I've just been wondering around the house, watching gilmore girls, spending too much time online, not doing anything productive. I'm going over to my friend nora's house tonight, which should be exciting =D

Anyways, today I'm going to list favorite things. Because... I don't know. I don't really have anything interesting to say.
These are in no particular order

8 authors
-John Green
-J.K. Rowling
-Scott Westerfeld
-Roald Dahl
-Maureen Johnson
-Sarah Dessen
-Lemony Snicket
-Joan Bauer

8 books NOT by the authors mentioned above
-Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
-Flipped by Wendelin Van Draanen
-Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
-A Mango Shaped Space by Wendy Mass
-The Nature of Jade by Deb Caletti
-Bar Code Tattoo by Suzanne Weyn
-Loser by Jerry Spinelli
-Pay the Piper by Jane Yojen and Adam Stemple

8 bands/musicians
-The Who
-David Bowie
-The Beatles
-The Hush Sound
-Santogold
-Lauren Fairweather
-Harry and the Potters
-Death Cab for Cutie

4 tv shows
-Gilmore Girls
-Doctor Who
-Freaks and Geeks
-House

4 movies
-School of Rock
-Across the Universe
-My Cousin Vinny
-Rain Man

BEDA 5: Rant

2009-04-05T14:52:00.001-07:00

Alright so I have 10 minutes to write this before I have to leave...

Seirously, why do I always wait till the last minute to do this? I've been home all day, not really doing anything important.

Ok. So I'm going to use these 10 minutes to rant. Because I'm just in a ranting mood. If you've read some older posts on my blog on blogspot you might get a little bored with this because it's a little repitious of some things I've said on there. But it's a little different too.

also, I'm warning you, there is some language. I know some people care about that... so I'm giving you fair warning now.

So, if you've read my other posts you'll know that I go to a Catholic school. My parents are Catholic. I go to a Catholic church (because my parents basically make me). I was baptized Catholic as a baby. I have to leave right now to go to a confirmation class at church (parents).

But what if I don't want to be Catholic?
I don't. I don't want to be Catholic.
But you know what? I was never given a choice. No, because I was baptized as a freakin BABY. I mean, that doesn't seem very meaningful to me, baptizing babies. It's not like the babies were making a choice or anything. But, according to the church, and according to my parents, that means I'm fucking Catholic.

And, I don't want to be Catholic. By my standards, I'm not. I'm not Catholic. I never chose to be baptized.

The problem is the rest of the world. I mean, I've told my parents this. Everyone, my whole fucking family, whenever I say I'm not they just look at me and say, "Camille, you are Catholic."

And other people, people who aren't my family, then they ask, "then what are you?" It's a reasonable question I guess. But like... I dont' know. You know what? I don't. I'm not done figuring things out, I'm fucking 15. But the whole time I was at a Christian (not Catholic) school from 4th-8th grade, people have been making me choose. Like I have everything figured out. I've told people many different things. But I don't even know. I change my mind, like every day. I feel like I don't know enough of the possibilities to figure out what I believe. If that makes sense.

But don't call me Agnostic. Please, just don't put a name on me.

I kind of... just want to be my own thing. My own kind of Christian, I think. Like, don't give me a name, don't sort me into a denomination, don't give me rules. I want to find my own God, whoever that is, and believe what I think is right. And I want people to stop forcing me to have my mind figured out now, and stop forcing me to be what they want me to be.

I'm so late to confirmation right now.

BEDA 4: It's been a long day...

2009-04-04T18:46:00.000-07:00

It's Saturday. To a lot of people (at least a lot of people I know) Saturday means a day off, sleeping in, seeing friends, do no-productive things all day. Not to me. To me, Saturday means dance, from 10:30 to 5. joy.

Yeah, so on Saturdays there is a ballet class in the morning, 10:30-12:15. Then there is a one hour lunch break, where my friends and I usually walk two blocks to mcdonalds or to the mexican place across the street. Usually we go to mcdonalds, because we don't have enough money for the mexican place. (it is a REALLY good mexican resaurant though. really really good.) And then after lunch we go back to the studio and either have a jazz/modern or hiphop class. After that, is rehearsal until 5.

Tiring. I get a headache almost every Saturday from it. Afterwards though I have the rest of the night free, which is nice =]

So, last night was ok. The play (well, musical) that my friend was in was really good. It brought back memories from when I did that musical...
After the musical, we walked to a sushi place. I only ate rice, and the waiter was a little annoyed. But whatever. He got his tip. He was a funny waiter. My friend was like, "so what's the difference between a california roll and a california handroll?" and he when he was explaining it, when he got to the part about the handroll, he was like "you hold it, like the statue of liberty!" And he gestured like the statue of liberty holding the torch up in her hand. It was funny. (this is probably one of those "you had to be there" moments, but I don't know because I can't see your face as your reading this, whoever you are. so. if that was a completely boring and pointless story, sorry =D)

BLEH I wish I had something interesting to say.
I'm really just... not in the mood to be doing this right now. I started off ok... just... I don't know. Things.

I really want to just get out of this house and find somewhere quiet and just sit and listen to music or read a book and be away from everything. I really just want to go away

BEDA 3: Mites, David Bowie, and Break

2009-04-03T15:51:00.000-07:00

Alas, I've been sitting here trying to come up with something to say for too long. It's only the third day, and I'm already failing.

Guess what I learned today?
We can get MITES on our EYELASHES. That creeps me out a little. I think about them whenever I rub my eyes now, which I have been for the past 5 minutes, coincidentally enough.
I mean, I don't know if this is common knowledge or not... but I just heard about it today.

Speaking of random facts... did you know that David Bowie's left eye is permanently dilated? When he was 15 his friend punched him in the face. The guy had a ring on his finger, which (I guess) hit is eye. It took like 8 months for the doctors to repair his eye, which they couldn't fully do, which left his eye permanently dilated.

I just thought that was interesting. During earth hour, my dad and I were talking and that somehow came up in conversation. We decided to look it up. So there we were on my dad's computer, in the dark, looking up David Bowie on wikipedia and google images.

In other news...
Spring break!!! I am SO happy. Just, really really happy. I'm excited for these two weeks off =]

Tonight I'm excited because I'm going to a play that a friend on mine is in, and then (maybe) going to dinner or something afterwards (like a group of us).
And then on monday I'm (probably) going to my friend from school's house with a bunch of people (different group of people than friday) and going swimming (if weather permits) or something.
Then monday night or tuesday morning my mom and I are going to drive up to a bunch of places a couple hours away from where I live and just hang out there for a couple of days. My sister will still be in school and my dad has to work, so it will just be the two of us. It will be fun =]
I don't have any other plans for spring break (yet). I plan (or hope) to be spending a lot of time just at home reading, making videos, writing BEDA blogs, spending time outside. Basically spending time not being busy. The teachers at my school weren't allowed to give any homework to us unless it's an AP class. At all. So that means no work for me =]

Alright, that's it from me today. I'm going to go watch Freaks and Geeks until my friend comes over in two hours to go to the play.

Hope everyone has an awesome rest of the day!

BEDA 2: almost lateness

2009-04-02T17:38:00.001-07:00

So I just got home from school, I was at a rehearsal for the dance concert that's in JUST A FEW SHORT WEEKS
Actually, just a few hopefully long weeks, because that's when I'm on break =D

So... that's the reason for this being late in the day. It's only 5 here, but it's probably later where most of you are reading this =D (you and your different timezones, causing trouble =/)

And also, I have almost no time to be writing this, because I have to go to dance class for the company I'm in outside of school in 20 minutes.
I'm a busy busy girl =D

I promise I'll read and comment on my new friends' (yay!) posts on the ning after dance tonight

So sorry if this is a kind of crappy and not thought-out post. Not all of my posts will be like this, I swear because I only have ONE MORE DAY till spring break! I'm SO excited for those two weeks off. Like, ridiculously excited. I'll actually have FREE TIME.

I'm using a lot of all-caps. Sorry if it offends your eyes.

Now... on to the meat of the post. (except not really meat, I'm vegetarian)

I'm going to talk about ME. Introduce myself (you know, what I probably should have done yesterday =D)

umm, I'm Camille, I'm 15. I'm a freshman at, get this, an all-girls, catholic, private high school. joy. It's not that bad, I just kind of feel like I'm missing out on the whole "high school experience". You know?
anyways. I like...
hm.
I like minty gum. candy canes. sour patch kids. cards games. doodles on jeans. david bowie. harry and the potters. thin mints. mountain dew. green nail polish. beat-up shoes. cheerios. harry potter. and more =]

I definitely would have kept going with that, but I'M SO LATE RIGHT NOW

BEDA 1: Here We Go...

2009-04-01T10:54:00.000-07:00

hi =]

So this is it... the first day of BEDA.
I'm a little nervous, to be honest. all these people... who might read this...

how about some LISTS to break the ice =D

Things that are TODAY
-april fools day (bleh...)
-FRED AND GEORGE'S BIRTHDAY! happy birthday weasley twins =D
-wednesday =/... middle of the week
-the day that marks 3 more days till spring break!!!!!!! (even though I'm not at school again today)

Things I'm going to do today
-stupid reading logs for english
-make top ramen
-make TOAST
-play piano
-eat too much dry cereal
-procrastinate
-read outside again
-call kelly
-go to ballet (maybe)
-wish I wasn't at ballet (if previous one occurs)
-make sure I have no more goddamn homework I haven't done yet =/
-do the homework I inadvertently forgot I had =/ (or don't know I have yet)
-watch Freaks and Geeks
-watch Gilmore Girls
-(probably) watch House
-watch Doctor Who (I WISH)
(haha, when you're sick you do a lot of tv-watching)
-solitare
-edit pictures
-wish I had the rest of my pictures
-take more pictures!

Things I am particularly in favor of today
-my bed
-the piano
-the couch
-my computer
-the interwebz
-Lauren Fairweather's music
-Jane Eyre (and finally being caught up)
-my dog =D
-my calculator (and the fact that I did the math right =] thanks to george obviously, thank you george!! again)
-windows live photo gallery
-my backyard
-sweats
-mini bagels
-headphones (and my ipod)
-solitare
-spellcheck

Things I am particularly NOT in favor of today
-indecisive weather (just make up your mind already!)
-homework
-my messy room =/
-responsibility =/ (god, I'm so lazy)
-runny noses
-the heavy feeling your head gets after SNEEZING so much
-wasps and the wasps NESTS in my BACKYARD
-april fools day pranks =/
-my own procrastination =D
-things that STILL aren't working for me: windows movie maker and youtube uploaders
-pills

So... that's basically it for today =] it's 11 and gilmore girls is starting =D
happy first day of BEDA!

BEDA and nings =D

2009-03-31T12:53:00.000-07:00

I've decided I'm going to embark on this wonderful journey called BEDA (Blog Every Day April) something that the wonderful author Maureen Johnson made up.

I might run out of ideas, but I usually don't have a problem coming up with things to say (which means that I might go on and on without actually saying something important or making any kind of point. if you've read my blog before you might know this already)

So...read if you like =]

I'm supposed to be at school right now, but I left because I kind of feel like crap. So now I'm sitting at home, sick, and I'm about to go make some toast, maybe some soup, and sit down with a nice book.
Would sound like the perfect way to spend the time if I didn't feel so... bleh.

So anyways
hello
I am going to attempt BEDA.

See you =]

Also, I'm going to be posting on the ning Maureen Johnson has made too
( http://maureenjohnson.ning.com/profile/Camille if you're wondering)
I've been on there for only an hour, and people seem nice =D

Faces and Places

2009-03-25T01:06:00.000-07:00

Real
Maybe this one will actually make it to being more than a draft.

Mom
Mom is sweet. Mom is sad. Mom is trying. Mom works hard.
Mom is irrational, but mom is loving. Mom is unfair sometimes, but at least she tries.
Basically, the way she smiles when she talks about grandpa, makes up for it. I don't get how she genuinely cares so much, about every single person she knows.
I like listening to her talk about her family, her friends, her coworkers, these random people she knows. I like it when she gets on a role, and goes on and on about all of these people. Because it's actually real.

Grandpa
Grandpa has sad eyes, he misses his wife. It makes me want to cry.
Grandpa loves his children and his grandkids, every single one of them.
Grandpa doesn't have a shield, blocking him from saying what he thinks, grandpa doesn't need one. More people shouldn't, I think. In the right context.
He has his own way of saying things, and it's always worth hearing.
He's so sweet. He's so loving. He's so... I don't know. Grandpa. He... he lives for his family. He really does.

this family.
I'm not going to say their names, but just this family I know.
The parents are broken up, I don't know why, I can't imagine how.
How can two people deteriorate so fast?
And the daughter... got hit by a car. She can barely walk, but she looks healthy. She looked a lot better than I expected her to when I talked to her. She's not like, sick. Not like "woe is me, I got hit by a car." She's happy and laughing and talking, and healing.
I'm sure they'll make it through ok, they're such wonderful, strong people.

Ali
Ali is so cool. Ali likes to make things, ali likes to create. Ali goes to anime cons, ali makes kimonos.
Ali is so real. Ali never isn't ali, like sometimes I'm not me.
Ali and I have a lot of fun. We dance around to the tetris song, and throw notes across the religion room.
I probably think more of her than she thinks of me. But that's ok, we have fun. Maybe one day she'll actually see me "freak out", like we were talking about.

Teresa
One thing she said to me stuck out, it was about ballet. One thing she said, back in September, about how she liked it, how it was pretty, graceful. (She's not a ballerina)
I remember thinking then... that that was the realest statement I'd heard from someone my age in a long time.
Maybe I'm exaggerating a little, maybe not everything said around me was fake.
But people say so much crap that they don't mean. They don't even realize it. Even when they're writing like this, "honestly."
It's fluff.
It's stupid, it's fake, it's unnecessary.
But we all do it, including me.
It's not that I first realized it was there or anything, but it actually hit me when she said that.
Basically, when she said anything, it was real. And she doesn't say the truth like it's a treasure. She says it normally. That's probably why I think it's so incredibly cool.

Rick
Rick, someone I haven't seen for a while. Since a retreat, at church, near the beginning of the school year.
We had these groups they called "families." He was our group leader, our group of 5.
The 6 of us, we got kind of close. Just at the retreat though.
But he... some things he said in our "discussions", or in the letter he wrote, or even in some of the KK's he sent, meant a lot to me. Because I knew he actually meant them.
He actually believed the things he said, he didn't just say them because he was our group leader.
In the group "discussions" we had, the group leaders shared too. I'm not going to say anything about what anyone said, we're not supposed to. I wouldn't anyways.
But... I hope he gets through everything. I'm sure he will.

Irene
my aunt, Irene. Irene lives in my most favorite place in the world.
Irene is a talker, but she's one of those special talkers. The kind that listens too. The kind that's more of a sharer than a talker.
Irene tells stories in the best ways, not because she's a great story-teller, but because she means what she's saying.
Because her eyes smile that whole time, they sparkle and crinkle at the edges.
Irene is incredible in how down-to-earth she is, how sure she is. How her sureness actually has something behind it instead of just ego.
Irene notices a lot, but she doesn't say that, which is what I like. You can tell not because she tells you, but because she shows you. Not on purpose, but because of how she acts, what she says.
Because she's real.

Just some thoughts. Just some things.
Last year I was so wrapped up in a tiny world. It's not that my friends aren't awesome and wonderful, because they are, but last year I made them practically my whole life.
This year... nothing is my whole life. This year I've really, actually seen a lot more people.
This year, I might still be wrapped up, but I'm not in a tiny little world.
Now... I don't know what to call it.
Not... open, exactly. Just, out.
And it's scary.

And that's all I have to say.

"then her soul sat on her lips, and language flowed"

2009-03-15T12:16:00.000-07:00

"The refreshing meal, the brilliant fire, the presence and kindness of her beloved instructress, or, perhaps, more than all these, something in her own unique mind, had roused her powers within her. They woke, they kindled; first, they glowed in the bright tint of her cheek, which till this hour I had never seen but pale and bloodless; then they shone in the liquid lustre of her eyes, which had suddenly acquired a beauty more singular than that of Miss Temple's- a beauty neither of fine colour nor long eyelash, nor pencilled brow, but of meaning, of movement, of radiance. Then her soul sat on her lips, and language flowed, from what source I cannot tell; has a girl of fourteen a heart large enough, vigorous enough to hold the swelling spring of pure, full, fervid eloquence? Such was the characteristic of Helen's discourse on that, to me, memorable evening; her spirit seemed hastening to live within a very brief span as much as many live during a protracted existence."
-Jane Eyre

Wiping off makeup, laughing at the sky

2009-02-24T22:38:00.000-08:00

How come I'm so honest with you? I really... trust you. I hope you know.

Like, I don't think you get it. I don't think you get how much it... it helps.

I'm trying not to say too much here. I'm trying to not add fluff to make it sound pretty, like I always do. I'm trying not to make stuff up. You get what I mean, I think.

Just... yeah.

I just wanted to say that.
I think this may be a thanks.

Red Lipstick and White Chocolate, Grey Tights and Overcast skies

2009-02-23T16:56:00.000-08:00

"Can I keep you?"
-Casper

"Do not consider me now as an elegant female, intending to plague you, but as a rational creature, speaking the truth from her heart"
-Pride and Prejudice

"every view was pointed out with a minuteness which left beauty entirely behind"
-Pride and Prejudice

"I certainly have not the talent which some people possess, of conversing easily with those I have never seen before. I cannot catch their tone of conversation, or appear interested in their concerns, as I often see done."
-Pride and Prejudice

"Miss Darcy looked as if she wished for courage enough to join in it; and sometimes did venture a short sentence when there was least danger of its being heard"
-Pride and Prejudice

"Elizabeth, agitated and confused, rather knew that she was happy, than felt herself to be so"
-Pride and Prejudice

“Gratiano: You look not well, Signior Antonio;
You have too much respect upon the world.
They lose it that do buy it with much care:
Believe me, you are marvellously changed.
Antonio: I hold the world but as the world, Gratiano;
A stage, where every man must play a part,
And mine a sad one.”
-The Merchant of Venice

“Christ what I wouldn’t give to live through an era where pop music, youth culture, social change & some intelligent ideals went arm in arm, tongue on tongue together. Did one ever exist? Can I create one? Do I need anything more than energy & a photocopier. I want to create a band that people will be sorry to miss, and obliged to adore. The Smiths had a special power. As did the Roses, the Jam, and, according to taste, many others. Something very English - imagine having melody, range, emotion, something to say and wear that attracts, interests and informs even instructs those that buy your records & mouth your words. I want to have a crack before I outgrow this youthful urge to be worshipped….”
-Peter Doherty, journal entry from 1999.

"To share the same space for a minute or two"
-Talking Heads

"I'll give him that blissful oblivion, I bet I can make the room spin"
-Lauren Fairweather

"Isn't it funny how some people have problems with freedom?"
-Mrs. Hunnewell

"Cause rain drops will hide my teardrops and no one will ever know, that I’m crying"
-The Temptations

"I don’t mind living in a man’s world as long as I can be a woman in it."
-Marilyn Monroe

"best thing I know is to do exactly what you want for a while"
-Roman Holiday

"You've got a lovely way with words, must be the way you see the world"
-The Virgins

clickable circles and squares

2009-02-22T23:49:00.000-08:00

Ridiculously Happy Times

2009-02-22T02:14:00.000-08:00

Eating chocolate cake on the kitchen floor at midnight with my sister, laughing our asses off and falling on top of each other the whole time... it doesn't get much better than that.

Tired of serious things.
Exhausted actually.

Let's break the rules.

=D

Books and Toast and Other Things

2009-02-15T14:52:00.000-08:00

"'Look at that. Look at all those people. They look like ants. Sometimes I get the feeling that's all we are- ants. Do you ever feel that way?'
'Sometimes'
'I told it to my father once.'
'What did he say?'
'He didn't say anything. I told you, he never talks to me except when we study. But a few days later, while we were studying, he said that man was created by God, and Jews had a mission in life.'
'What mission is that?'
'To obey God.'
'Don't you believe that?'
'Sure I believe it. Sometimes I'm not sure I know what God wants though.'
'That's a funny thing for you to say.'
'Isn't it? I've never said that to anyone before.'"
-The Chosen

"I had lived in it all my life, but I never really saw it until I went through it that Friday afternoon"-The Chosen

"It's awful to have someone give you an image like that of yourself"-The Chosen

"There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of merit or sense."-Pride and Prejudice

"'Your defect is a propensity to hate everybody.'
'And yours, is wilfully to misunderstand them'"
-Pride and Prejudice"

Both, for I have always seen a great similarity in the turn of our minds. We are each of an unsocial, taciturn disposition, unwilling to speak, unless we expect to say something that will amaze the whole room, and be handed down to posterity with all the eclat of a proverb."
-Pride and Prejudice

"When someone sees the same people every day, as had happened with him at the seminary, they wind up becoming a part of that person's life. And then they want the person to change. If someone isn't what others want them to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own."-The Alchemist

“We live in this culture where everything is supposed to be so hip and so cool, and it’s not cool to love, and it’s not cool to take care of each other, and it’s not cool to stand up for ourselves. But you know what? Fuck all of that. I believe in love, and I believe that the only way that we are going to survive this fucking craziness that’s going on in our world today is if we just learn to look at love, turn our heads the other way from all the bullshit, and fucking love.”
-Andrew McMahon

“When I was a girl, my life was music that was always getting louder. Everything moved me. A dog following a stranger. That made me feel so much. A calendar that showed the wrong month. I could have cried over it. I did. Where the smoke from a chimney ended. How an overturned bottle rested at the edge of a table. I spent my life learning to feel less. Every day I felt less. Is that growing old? Or is it something worse? You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”
— Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

"The world is hungry to hear about ideas"
-Monsignor

"I know if I feel this sad, then I'm alive"
-Sarah (sarahtheteenager)

"The thing I love most about life is you don't know where it's gonna go"
-Alex Day

"It's because it's not easy to tell a story that makes sense"
-John Green

I love Sunday mornings like these. The ones where I wake up in yesterday's clothes and Breakfast with the Beatles is on in the kitchen, where there is actually some beakfast-y food cooking (rare in this house). The whole house is loud from the sounds in the kitchen, and I can hear it from my room when I wake up. These only come around once in a while.
I love it because they don't change. Because no matter how different my life was last time one of these mornings came around, this is the same.

Becuase I apparently like offending people and being difficult...

2009-01-29T21:37:00.000-08:00

My parents are Catholic. My aunts and uncles for the most part are either Catholic or Christian. I go to a Catholic school. I used to go to a Christian school. I go to a Catholic church. Most of the people in my life, are Christian.

Basically all of my life, I've been told about God. Not just any god, a certain kind. The Christian God. I was brought up to believe in this Christian God.

But... here's the thing. Here is, what I think. I think that what someone believes in is more personal than a religion and generalizing it to make it fit into a religion just doesn't really work.

I mean, it may work for some. Some people I'm sure can be stronger than this. Maybe I'm just not being strong, maybe I'm giving up. If that's the case, I'm not doing anything to stop it now.

Ok... this isn't working. We have to start at the beginning, the beginning for me. The beginning is 4th grade. 4th grade is when I started going to a Christian school. There is where I was "saved," if you believe in that. I believed it at the time. Right there, in Mrs. Gower's class. Yeah, Mrs. Gower. I know some people hate her.

And in 4th grade, is where I also decided I didn't want to be Catholic anymore. Maybe it was the reason I fooled myself into believing: that I never really became religious at all until I went to a Christian school, so I wanted to only be Christian, not Catholic too. But... maybe it was because my friends weren't. Maybe it was because of what we had learned about the original split. Maybe it was because of the stupid accusations I always heard coming from a certain little 4th grader in my class named Josh. Maybe... maybe I didn't want to be the stereotype everyone in my class seemed to believe at the time, even though I knew it wasn't true.

Yeah, that's right, the little 4th grader me bent to that kind of stuff. Oh well.

Thing is, as I got older, I never went back. In 8th grade, I just got sick of people asking me all of the time, so I gave everyone different answers. Yeah, so if you talked about my religion with me in 8th grade, chances are I lied to you at some point. Sorry.

Now in 9th grade, things are kind of changing. Really, a bunch of things are happening at once. A whole load of different information and opinions were kind of presented to me throughout the last semester... which is just the kind of thing I love. But it's also a little disconcerting.

On the one hand, my view had already started changing, to what I said at the beginning of this post. But on the other hand, I've kind of started to really appreciate Catholicism sooo much more. Like, I've learned more about it, in and outside of school.

But mostly... I've met some really amazing people. Really just... amazing, awesome, and yes, Catholic, people. It's like... there are two different forces pulling me in different directions. Like, if all of these people are this, if they all believe in this, they can't all be wrong, right? If they are this strong... there has to be something to it. Something substantial.

But on the other hand... something, else. I don't know. Just, something. Maybe it's some other people I know, or know about. Or maybe it's just some things I've gone through over and over in my head that just... make a whole lot more sense. Maybe it's that stubborn person in me who has always despised, to the point of ridiculousness, being like other people. Maybe it's the wrong choice. But it's the choice I... I'm close to making.

Thing is... there are all of these things that my mind puts into trying to decide... this. Whatever this is. I'm not sure what I'm deciding here.

I think what I need to do is take away all of the other factors. But when I do... it's like I have nothing left. Just... nothing. I'm trying to figure out who this "I" person is, what this "I" person should do... and "I" have a big, fat question mark. I just come back to... images. Of people, of places, of everything that is... that has made me. If that makes sense.

Like one thing people typically ask when trying to "help" someone like me is "well, what do you actually believe? What do you think?" But... I don't know. That's what I'm trying to say. I have no idea, no clue. I draw from other people... other things... but that doesn't work. I just... have. no. clue.

I think...

I think I don't want a name. I don't want to be in a group. Whether it be Catholic, Christian, Atheist, Agnostic, Jewish, Buddhist, Hindu... or anything else. I'm not saying I'm rejecting all belief, I'm not saying I'm objecting to religion... I'm saying... I don't know what I'm saying.

But I'm not rejecting anything right now.

That's all I had to say on the subject.

I have one other dilemma though:
Ok, so I kind of have a list in my head of things and people I'd like to "pray" for. Like, how I used to when I was sure about things. I used to just sit and close my eyes and just... talk in my head to God.

Now, I feel guilty doing that. Like, I don't know what I believe, honestly. So I feel guilty, like I'm only asking something from a ghost.
I don't get how to explain it. Like I want to "pray"... but I don't know how anymore.

I mean... what do you do when you can't even figure out what you believe?

Obligation

2009-01-25T23:20:00.001-08:00

I kind of want out.

I kind of don't want to be tied down anymore.

I'm tired of having to say the right thing. I'm tired of having to not say things. I'm tired of having to make sure I do nothing that might even hint at something directed towards you.

I'm scared of saying this, and think that you might think this is about you.

It's not about a person. It's about an idea. It's about something that I somehow am attached to that, I want to be free from.

I have an obligation towards you. To tell you everything I say, everything I do. To make sure that you're all updated on everything.

I have an obligation towards you. To make you feel welcomed. To make you feel important, special. Like you matter. To make sure you don't get hurt. To lie to you so that you feel ok.

I have an obligation towards you. To clean up after you, before people notice. To make sure you are all pretty and polished and ready for the world.

I have many obligations to things and people and just... you. You big ugly monster. Responsibility.

I... want to cut the ties. I want to break... away. I want out.

There is this song by The Monkees called "I Wanna be Free." One time when I was [considerably] younger, I was listening to it in the car with my dad, and he said, "wow, he's being kind of selfish. Kind of whiny." It's true. He is. And I'm being just like him, him in the song. Different situations, but same feeling.

It's true.

I just... want out. Out of all of these invisible obligations.

Stubborn Little Me

2009-01-20T18:28:00.001-08:00

One time, probably in (my second year of) 1st grade, I was over at Rebecca's house. Well, I was over her house a lot. Like, a lot a lot. We had this game, called the Indian and the Pilgrim. And also the Pharaoh game. But... that's besides the point. This is about one particular time.

Anyways. This one time I was at her house, I was a little frustrated with all of the screaming going on, I guess. You guys... it's hard to explain Rebecca's California house through the eyes of 1st grade-year-old me. But, yeah. So. What did I do? I decided to stop talking. Period.

I don't know if any of you guys have done that before... but it's really fun. I mean, it's horribly frustrating to the other person, but if you're the one not talking at all, it's really really fun. As mean as it sounds (and is) it's funny to watch them get frustrated. Especially when they tell you you're going to crack and say something. And then watch them be wrong. It's just... really really fun.

So anyways. Back to the story. Geez, I'm almost as bad at this as Sara is. =D

Yeah. I stopped talking. Rebecca and Gaby were like "camille, you're going to have to say something." "camille, you can't stay quiet forever." "camille, you shouldn't keep things bottled up inside."

I finally spoke. But because I decided to, not because they were driving me crazy. Because they weren't. I hate doing things that will umm... prove people right. I hate doing what people want me to do. This has gotten me in a lot of trouble with my parents over the years.

See, that's kind of a weakness for me. If certain people... tell me to do something that I was already going to do... I will most likely not do it. Even though I was going to. I don't know. It's kind of... not a good trait.

I mean, I'm not just saying this. This isn't me trying to like, "define myself" or crap like that. This is me... the same me I was in 1st grade. Like, ok example.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Kelly and I were at mom's work, and I was reading it, because it had just come out. Kelly had been asking me and asking me to play with her. I was going to, after I finished the chapter. I didn't tell her that though. I had like half a page left. Then she said "ok, after you finish the chapter." And of course, impossible me hated that. Impossible me did not want to do what she wanted me to do.

See, it's little things like that. Little silly things.
But like... things aren't always little like that. Like, being more reasonable would probably be a good idea.

Yeah. That's all I had to say.

Just... don't

2009-01-18T01:07:00.000-08:00

I think I'm a little bit tired of this.

Everything... having to mean something else. Everything said... is remembered. Everything said... is turned over and over in someone's mind. Everything done... is scrutinized until you make it mean something that it was never meant to be.

Because... at a certain point, nothing is much more than it... is. Stop trying to find a hidden meaning. Because you will always find one. Which more often than not is just a figment of your imagination. You grossly misunderstand me by thinking I am saying something else that I'm not saying.

I want to be able to say something and not have it mean something else to you. When it fucking doesn't.

So... just... don't.

god. please?

I can ask all I want. But you do it without realizing it.
It's just so fucking annoying.

I hate that when I stopped feeding you things so that you could make it mean something, when I just started being, I can see what it's doing. I can see that I was wrong. I can see that I will always have to think... think about what you will think before I say anything.

Because... I just end up not saying it at all.

god, just let me be. Will you?

No.

And, god. Don't assume you know what I'm talking about.

Proud Mary

2009-01-10T17:57:00.000-08:00

Let's talk about Mary.

No, not that Mary.
Not even that Mary.

No, the Mary in Pride and Prejudice.

Proud Mary. Proud, proud Mary. Reminds me of the song, Proud Mary.

She...
she is one of those people.
One of those people who... I don't know. Has a picture in their mind of what they think they are. And then they try to fit in to being that person. Instead of just... being. They go backwards. Instead of being and going from there, they try to fit into something they created. They be that person, that they want to be.

Well. Maybe I'm getting off topic. I haven't even read most of the book. I'm like, 10 chapters behind the rest of the class. I don't know if Jane Austen thought that about Mary. But, from what other people in the class said about her, and from what I've read, it seems like she's like that, to me.

Because... I know that kind of person. I definitely know that kind of person. I wrote a ficlet about it. (http://ficlets.com/stories/48914#review-107919 if you're interested)

I used to be like that, in a way. I guess. Just.
I don't know.
I know that when a person is like that, they can't really tell. They're usually... confused. Trying to figure out "who they are." Trying to "be themself." They feel like they're failing.

And you know why?
Because they're trying too hard.
Just stop.

Stop trying. Ok?
It sounds really stupid. And hard. Because yeah, it's really hard to stop trying. Stop trying to fit into that person you were trying to be, the person you decided to be, instead of doing it the other way around.

Just...
I don't know.
I feel like Mary is like that.
And I think some people in my class were being kind of harsh about her. I don't think they realized how hard she was trying. Because she's always going into these little sermon things in the book. Like, preaching a little. Trying to sound smart... philosophical. They ridiculed her about that a little. That's when I realized... in class... that she was a lot like me. That she was this kind of person, the kind I described. I think.

I mean, I don't like start preaching all of the time, like her.

But like... ok. This wasn't said in class, what I'm saying. Because I don't talk in class. That's probably partly why I got a B minus. Anyways. One thing my teacher said: "Mary is one of those people who has the curse of knowing what smart is, but isn't smart."

I turned that over in my head. Several times. I think... I'm like that too. Like, I know what I'd like to be. I know the things I should do, the people I should talk to, the things I should like... to be that person. But, I'm just not. I'm almost that person. But I'm a little different too, I think. And I know that because I'd have to try really hard if I were to be exactly that person. And that, that took me a long time to realize.

I could be wrong, but I think I know some other people like that. Like Mary. Like... me.

I don't... I don't know what I should say now.
I guess that's because that's all I had say.

Proud Mary. Proud, proud Mary.

Don't Wait

2009-01-04T23:34:00.000-08:00

You know? I don't believe I'll ever be fully ok. Like, how some people believe... once I'm done with this... once I'm done with that... then I'll be fine.

I don't believe that.
At least, I don't believe that for me.

And I'm kind of starting to be ok with that.

I think... I don't know.
The thought is like... just out of grasp.
Maybe... if everything is real quiet... just give me a second... ok.

Ok.
So.

Here is the thing.
I'll never be done.

You know, the day you've been hoping for... where you'll be completely fine, you'll know exactly who you are, you'll be self-actualized?
That's never going to happen to me. Don't tell me it is. If I know one thing about myself- it's that.
Because I'd never be satisfied. Of course.

I'll never be done.
Because if I was... I'd be done doing something we all know no one is ever done with... and that's changing.

Of course.

So- I just have one more thing to say.
Please, please, don't wait around for that moment. Even if you're not like me- even if someday you think you will be perfectly fine- don't wait for that. Don't wait.

I'm probably not in any position to be giving advice, but that's never stopped me before.
Actually, it has.
But it's not now.

Sooo yeah-
I'm not waiting.
And even if you're not like me,
I don't think you should wait either.

Come on, let's be non-waiters together.
Let's go on adventures, let's take risks, let's be imperfect together.
Let's love it.
Let's actually have fun not waiting.
Let's live.

You wanna come?

4 1/2 Topics.

2008-12-31T03:44:00.000-08:00

Visiting.

It's 3:44 AM, December 31, 2008. I just read/scimmed through all the way back to my first post. It's... odd. Going back and seeing my old self. Especially seeing her... back in July. July and August I think. Back when she wrote a lot of those "serious" posts. It was interesting. I felt like I was going back and shaking her hand, looking her in the eye, and saying "I definitely know what you mean."

Really, that's what it feels like. I feel like I can see directly eye-to-eye with her, and even though she wasn't getting her thoughts out clearly at all, I know what she was saying. There is an understanding. But I could see the difference too. It was so clear, so so so so clear. I'm different than her. Just a few months, and I feel so different. Visiting those old feelings... I could almost smile. They are still true, still relevant, but... I don't know. I just... I felt like I really was looking her in eyes, the girl, the old me, who wrote those, and having a conversation with her.

It cleared some things up.

Future.

So... I really don't know what I'm doing with my life. I just know... one thing.

I'm leaving. I just... I want to go. Leave. Start over, in a new place. A new state. Maybe even a new country. I don't want to stay here.

And, I don't picture myself staying in one place. I mean, maybe once I like, get married and have a family and all of that stuff I'll stay in one place. But before that... I want to go places. I want to go all over. Not necessarily all over the world, but all over the country, definitely.

This isn't rational or anything. I don't know where I'd get the money. But I could just... picture myself moving around. Not settling in one spot for too long.

Now, I have no idea if that's gonna happen. It's just... what I could see. I don't know. It's just a crazy... picture I have in my head. Because I do, I actually have a picture... in my head.

I just know that... I'm already sick of high school. All of the little things everyone seems to worry about. That seem so irrelevant, once you leave high school. I can't wait to just leave. Get over that.

Pills

I hate pills. For some reason, I always feel like throwing up after I swallow one.

I've been sick. I've actually been better the past like, two days though. We went ice skating, which was fun.

My voice sounds odd, but I actually kind of like it like this. I think no one else agrees with me though. (except maybe George)

Missing/Remembering

I miss some people. In different ways. Some feelings... I'm kind of just now... digging up I guess.

First is easiest: you guys. I mean, I know I just saw you guys. I'm just going to miss this past year. I already miss seeing you guys everyday at school, because I don't anymore. I've gotten used to the way things are now, but I think sometimes reminding myself how much I actually miss you guys is important. I don't know why.

Um. next. harder.
Um. An old friend... I just kind of miss an old friend. Like, it was years ago, but sometimes I still miss them. Miss the closeness, I guess.

Next.
I miss my uncle. Thinking about heaven and hell always reminds me of how scared I was for him when I was younger... at his funeral. And it reminds me of how mad I used to get at God. Still do, actually. Part of the reason I'm so... conflicted.
And I keep remembering my grandparents. My dad's parents. I remember wishing I could have gotten to know them better, because of how amazing everyone says they were.

Family is important. Whether blood related or not, family is important. I take that for granted, I don't really think about my [big] family much. But I've kind of been remembering important things... lately.

There. Four and a half topics for you, fleshed out a little by me. I started writing this just because I wanted to do a blog post, but didn't know what to write. It's now 4:12 AM December 31, 2008. This year will be over soon. It was a... big year for me. I hope you had a good time too. I hope you learned some things, and I hope you remembered some things. I hope you didn't throw it away. I hope 2009 will be a year to remember... I hope for the best. For all of you.

Now, I really should be going to sleep.

so tired.

2008-12-23T18:07:00.000-08:00

I'm so tired of you acting like it's all my fault.

I don't care how sick you are... it doesn't give you the right to treat everyone around you like crap.

I'm so tired of you not listening to me. I'm so tired no one around here listening to me.

I'm so tired of all of this.

I went outside. Even after I turned off the camera... I wished the tape hadn't ended. Because I wanted to stay out there longer. I wanted to stay out there for hours and hours and hours. Because I'm so tired of all of this. I wanted to leave. I love you, but I wanted to leave. Not just this. Everything.

Staying out there would be much easier.

Way Back When

2008-12-19T12:49:00.000-08:00

Way back when... back in those Crestview days. Even the first couple of years at PCS. Way back when...

The people I used to know. The schedule I used to follow. The things I used to do, the things I used to believe.

Oh my god... wow

The Conservatory.
Those white walls... white, quiet walls. You'd understand what I mean if you'd been there. Maybe you have, I don't know.

I remember the first time I went there, to meet Phillip, and for my first class. I was in, what was it, 2nd grade? I think so. I was scared that if I talked above a whisper in the hall that someone would appear out of no where and yell at me. The hall was always empty. And silent, except for the occasional violin or piano.

I haven't been there if over 3 years, but I remember it perfectly.
I loved that place.
Almost as much as I loved what I played.
still do, by the way

But it wasn't that kind of love that you might be thinking of. Like, a passion or anything. I wasn't even 12 years old. Some 11 year olds probably think like that... not me. ha, not me.

I miss Phillip.
And I miss Andrew.
And I miss that place.
This isn't a sad blog or anything though. I'm smiling =] Because sometimes you forget those feelings and vibes. Like, that you get at a certain place. A certain feel. It's cool to remember them again.

And, oh my god, I'm not even going to get started about the karate studio. Because that place is so loaded with stuff I could write about... yeah, no. And I'm not going to talk about LACC either. Or the armory. Or... anywhere else.

But... I don't know. This isn't for you, it's for me, so not knowing what I'm saying is ok. I kind of prefer it. Um... yeah. You can just discard this last paragraph. Why am I talking to someone? Saying "you"? I'm not talking to anyone. When I write these, I'm not talking to anyone. (except for a couple posts... but those, for the most part, it's pretty clear that I'm talking to someone. well. kind of clear.)

ANYWAYS. Just... that last paragraph... you can ignore that. ^^

I kind of... have a "thing" for places. Buildings, rooms. My whole life.

coffee doesn't go with candy canes more has beed added... a lot more

2008-12-13T22:16:00.000-08:00

"English is a language that lurks in dark corners, beats up on other languages, and rifles through their pockets looking for spare vocabulary" -I don't know where it came from, but it's hanging in the latin room"

"We as humans can't be perfect unless we're dead" -latin teacher

"the unforunate part of learning is that it's embarassing" -latin teacher

"this is my favorite, I think it's the most beautiful molecule in the universe" -bio teacher

"we're all creatures of our context" -english teacher

"perversion of human nature" -english teacher

"aftificial affection" -english teacher

"I hate you because you can make pretty things with pens" -kelly

"really good literature asks more questions than it answers" -english teacher

"you can't assume anything in the English language" -latin teacher

"English has more acceptions then there are rules" -latin teacher

"If you had learned English as a second language, you would have a completely different understanding of how it worked" -latin teacher

"Living the life of a gentleman" -english teacher

"our stud is going to be an obese man" -sara

"Mary (from Pride and Prejudice) is one of those people who has the curse of knowing what it is to be smart, but isn't smart" -english teacher

"It's so much fun being a teacher, it's a contact sport really" -latin teacher

"empathy is a necessity for knowledge" -english teacher

"they don't have any sense of self-worth because they don't have anything to base it on" -english teacher

"I can see the courage in your eyes, right next to the absolute fear" -Chris Stefanick (he talked at this thing I went to Saturday night)

"I hate the word crowd, I love the word multitude" -Pope John Paul II

"Test everything, retain what is good" -somewhere in the bible

so... um...
what about the goats?
you're not supposed to get that, don't worry

Torn

2008-12-09T23:30:00.000-08:00

This roller coaster is making me sick... I want to get off now

Up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down with no breaks in between.

I'm really happy... really excited... really optimistic... smiling... laughing... hugging . . . then comes the down part

I'm sad... I'm angry... I'm worried... I'm paranoid... I'm shaking... I'm crying... I'm second-guessing...

And it seems to never stop.

This isn't new, no, the new part is feeling sick about it.

Every time I feel the bad part coming...
I'm shaking, my throat blocks up, my stomach hurts, I feel like I'm going to puke, I don't want to eat

I'm nervous.

I'm so behind in school... I can't concentrate with all of this.
It's mostly in my head, but I live in my head.

I only have so many hands.

Finals.

a lot of late work...

It's 11:44
that's my time.
I don't know.

I think I just need to quit all of this for right now.

It's 11:45 now.

Anyways, just wanted to say, I don't think I should be hiding behind a different blog. I think everything I need to say I should be able to say on here.

because this isn't for anyone else.
this is for me.
I'm done monitoring what I say on here.

god, memememememememe.

do whatever you want.

Some Thoughts

2008-12-04T17:12:00.001-08:00

Doubt... does it make you weaker or stronger?

You can never go back to ignorance.

One of the most important parts of education is learning how to learn.

I really don't care that it sounds melodramatic

2008-12-03T20:23:00.000-08:00

Ficlets...

I can't even begin to describe how much ficlets means to me. I've been trying to... I can't.

I don't know what I'm going to do after January 15.

January 15... the day the world stops. Or at least... it will seem like it to me.

It seems silly...

Yeah. It seems really silly.

But seriously, that's how I feel about it.

Lone Writer started a petition: http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/ficlets?e

THX came up with some good ideas too.

We (the ficleteers) need to do anything we can. But I don't know how much it will help. The only thing I know is... my life will be worse without ficlets.

I'm copying everyone else because I'm lame and don't want to clean my room or do any of the other things my mom told me to do

2008-11-27T13:37:00.001-08:00

I'm copying Camille and Keegan, but mostly Keegan because Camille copied her in the first place.

mwhahahahahhahah. a.

I'm thankful for...

my sister

my mom

the one and only: dad-i-o-da

my baby

the cool people

one of our main ways of communicating:

books, and the people who write them =]

photography

music

harry potter. I'm serious.

Nerdfighters. And nerds in general. They make the world suck less.

John.

Hank.

ficlets and writing

Dance

"up north" and Morro Bay

the Otter Rock Cafe

and all of the memories

happy thanksgiving

A Day to Remember

2008-11-24T12:55:00.001-08:00

So like... what Camille said about certain things sparking memories, that's kind of what I meant in the song post I did a couple weeks ago. I didn't get that across very well.

So I don't really have much to say.

Except that, a year ago today I published my first ficlet.

That just shows... how far we've come. I mean, just think about everything that's happened since then.

This past year has been stuffed so much awesome, and so much crazy, and so many things, worth remembering. More than any other year in my life.

And I know Camille and Keegan just did posts kind of about 8th grade. I'm not really... writing because of those. (though I did love both of them)

I'm writing because of Ficlets. I'm writing because I remember November 24, 2007. It was a Saturday. I was getting ready to go to dance. But I had gotten a note from another ficleteer, because I had left them a lot of comments about a week before. They said that they had looked at my page and saw that I hadden't written anything yet.

And so I wrote my first Ficlet. "3 Years Ago" That's the title.

And that kind of seemed like the start. I mean, it wasn't really. But it was around the time when The Island first came into existance.

Can you believe that was only a year ago? Because it seems like a million. It seems like the rest of my life before then, and since then, has been gray in comparison to how bright that year was.

It's kind of ironic, because my first ficlet is about a girl leaning against a tree, looking up at the sky, remembering what had happened at that spot exactly 3 years ago. And I'm sitting here at my desk remembering what happened here one year ago. And everything in between.

I guess I did have a lot to say.

mm

2008-11-20T22:48:00.000-08:00

FUCK

did I offend you? I'm sorry.

I'm lying... I'm not sorry at all.

because I'm speaking my fucking mind.

For once.

On Religion... again

2008-11-09T11:31:00.000-08:00

You know, I never realized what a small world I was in at PCS. I never realized that what you see is... such a small part of the big picture.

When I first came to PCS in 4th grade, bible class was hard. I had never gone to a religious school before that, and everyone at PCS seemed to know so much more than me.

For example, looking up a verse in the bible. Those of you who came before 7th grade, do you remember the sword drills? Those were so hard for me, seeing as before PCS I had never learned how to look up anything in the Bible.

And all of those Bible stories that everyone just seemed to know. I had gone to Religious Ed when I was little, but that didn't even begin to cover it.

So for the little 4th grade me it seemed like the whole world (or at least the whole Christian world) knew all of this, and I didn't.

But now, at a Catholic school, where a lot of these girls went to Catholic middle schools, the tables have turned.

We were taught how to look up a bible verse. We watched The Prince of Egypt and people didn't know how it ended. I was kind of amazed that people didn't know the Moses story. And now that I think about it, I don't know why I was amazed. What did I think, everyone knew it? How ignorant is that?

I guess because even before PCS I knew the Moses story well. Because of Religious Ed, but also because of Rebecca. Rebecca and I used to pretend we were Jewish slaves trying to escape from Egypt. We played this every day at recess in (my second year of) first grade.

Anyways. I digress. I point is, PCS is a really great school, with really great Bible classes. I owe a lot to those teachers, from 4th grade on. But it's really only one side of a several-sided story. Story isn't the right word... I don't know the right word.

The thing is, now at a Catholic school, at Confirmation classes, at the last couple of retreats I've been to this year, I've started to see the other sides. There is so much I don't know. So much about religion, all of the differences, all of the different beliefs, practices. It's kind of amazing. All of the different things you learn once you leave a strict school like PCS. Please get what I mean by strict. I mean, what they taught was one belief. And they taught it like "this is what is true," whereas the school I'm at now and at confirmation classes, they teach like "this is what some people believe, and this is what other people believe. Now what do you think?"

The first way of being taught is so much easier. They lay it out, so you can understand it. So when you go from that to where I am now, where it seems like all of these different things are being thrown at me from all directions, it's disconcerting. But it's also eye-opening, and really, really, interesting. It's like taking a risk, scary but thrilling. I wouldn't say this is thrilling really, but it is interesting. Seeing different people's point of view.

Thing is, I'm not really sure where I belong. Kelly and I were talking about this last night. (by the way, there is a blog post about that under this one.) I almost just don't want to give myself a title at all, I just want to believe what I believe and not have to stick to a certain group. I'm not saying groups are bad, because they're not. I'm just not really sure where I am at the moment.

So don't challenge me, don't ask me "why aren't you this?" or "why are you that?" because the thing is I don't know either. It's, (I know, I know, this is going to sound cheesy and cliche) it's kind of a journey. Because Taylor Mali is right, "changing your mind is one of the best ways of figuring out whether or not you still have one."

I wrote that on the back of my Religion notebook to remind me to keep my mind open. I want to know as many different people's views as I can in life. Not just on religion, on everything. That's why when I ask people "why?" about their views, I'm not being condescending. I really, genuinely want to know. I want to hear their side of the story, I want to see their point of view. I want to give them the ear to listen to what they have to say without judging, the ear that they want so badly.

Do you get it?

Intellectual Discussion

2008-11-09T11:08:00.000-08:00

Kelly and I had Intellectual Discussion last night.

Let me tell you what that means.

We have a "spot" in old town. I've taken you guys there, it's not secret or anything. We just go there whenever we go to old town and stay there for like, hours.

Like last night we stayed up there talking and eating Johnny Rockets and Starbucks for like 2 hours.

Seriously though, it seems so much easier to talk up there. But it seems so much easier to talk to Kelly then anyone else, sooo yah. But we won't be overheard by our parents up there in old town, so it's easier.

We talked about religion, we talked about high school, we talked about theology, we talked about observing, we talked about minds, we talked about mom, we talked about cars, we talked about harry potter, we talked about solitare, we talked about Yoko Ono (well not really, but there was a short documentary thing showing in One Colorado last night and she was talking in it), we talked about hair, we talked about... I don't know. A lot.

It's our favorite thing to do in old town, go up there and pig out and talk.

I really hope she gets over this emo-loving phase thing that she's in. I can get where she's coming from though, I was the same a couple years ago. But she's like, really "popular" or whatever so it's different. And when she's with her friends it's way too hard to talk to her...

ANYWAYS
and then we hung out for like, the rest of the night in my room, and then her room. And then we decided to have a sleepover on the floor in her room. And then after my dance rehearsal today we're going to the mall. And then we're going to watch old Monkees episodes. (because you know, I have the box set) =]

It's a good thing I don't have homework this weekend.

Straightening out some thoughts... came up with this..

2008-11-03T23:10:00.000-08:00

There are songs that... bring back, not really a memory or emotion... but a certain feel.
And whether it is bitter or sweet... you find yourself almost missing those old times, that feel, who you were back then

So this is my timeline... those songs, for me.
[some of these may be a little surprising...]

6th

What if His People Prayed- Casting Crowns
Sweet Child of Mine- Guns N' Roses (Sheryl Crow version, really)
I'll Stand by You- The Pretenders
Brass In Pocket- The Pretenders
1921- The Who
Janie's Got a Gun- Aerosmith
Neighdorhood #1 (Tunnels)- Arcade Fire

7th

Used To- Daughtry
Over You- Daughtry
All These Lives- Daughtry
Runaway Love- Ludacris
Sweet Escape- Gwen Stephani
Outside Looking In- Jordan Pruitt
Unfaithful- Rihanna
Welcome to the Black Parade- MCR

Summer before 8th

Basket Case- Green Day
Collide- Howie Day
Waiting on the World to Change- John Mayer
Crawling Towards the Sun- The Hush Sound
Wannabe- The Spice Girls

8th
Magnolia- The Hush Sound
Lighthouse- The Hush Sound
A Martyr For My Love For You- The White Stripes

I Am the Walrus- The Beatles (Across the Universe Version)
Hourglass- The Hush Sound
Slow My Down- Emmy Rossum
For a Pessimist I'm Pretty Optomistic- Paramore
Summer Skin- Death Cab for Cutie
She Had the World- Panic at the Disco
Born for This- Paramore
Antonia- Motion City Soundtrack
Wine Red- The Hush Sound

..
If you have some of your own, you should post them (if you want to) =]

...
I think it's kind of interesting... seeing the past couple of years just shown through the songs you remember most, or rather what make you remember the most, and no other explanation. What do you think?

hey...

2008-10-16T19:48:00.000-07:00

If you were fully human... why didn't you ever mess up?

I'm not like you

All that we needed

2008-10-12T20:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes all someone wants... needs... is a hug.

http://ficlets.com/stories/43055
http://ficlets.com/stories/43221

I don't care if you read them or not, but if you do decide to, please read both of them. Not just one or the other. Please.

Also.

You Are

You are my foundation.
You are my handle, my railing.
You are what keeps me from falling.

You are the green skittle,
the red m&m.
You are the little piece of chocolate,
at the bottom of the drumstick.
You are my favorite, the one I wait for,
the one I get excited over.

But you are a wall.
My wall.
My barrier.
My cage,
closing me in, limiting me.
Keeping me from going where I want to go…

So I have to let you go,
and take my chances.

But you will always be my memory
The one I look back on,
and smile.

I posted this on ficlets a couple weeks ago

Efforts

2008-10-08T20:18:00.000-07:00

My efforts often go unnoticed.

All I did was try to make people happy...

but it always backfires.

And then they get mad at me instead.

Because I guess I can't make keep one person happy without pissing another person off.

I'm just really tired of trying.

stupid people...

2008-10-07T21:40:00.001-07:00

...with their stupid condescending tones of voice...

Something isn't right

2008-10-02T21:24:00.000-07:00

I don't know

It just isn't

Nothing works right... I always seem to mess them up. And don't go saying that's not true before you even know what I'm talking about.

Why do I always pretend like everything is alright?

Because it's just easier that way.
Because I'm not good at confrontations, or explaining. Anything.
Because whenever someone tries to help me, I get extremely pissed and annoyed at them, and I'd rather not get pissed off at anyone. It's completely irrational.
Because I find those situations extremely awkward... or maybe it's just that I trusted someone as much as I trusted you guys. And then I think he gave up on me. I told him a lot. But I didn't make myself very clear, and I think he got tired of me being depressed all of the time, for no apparant reason. I don't blame him.

This was a while ago, by the way. None of you guys are this person.

Right now I can't see straight. It's not like I'm dizzy, just that my vision is like a video, and the person's hands that were holding the camera were shaking.

I have a lot of homework. Why does she insist we come up with "something creative" for like, every scene in Romeo and Juliet? And I'm already practically failng bio, and only getting A's in three classes.

I need sleep. But that's just not going to happen.

Sonnet

2008-09-29T00:27:00.000-07:00

This is the Shakespearean style sonnet I wrote for school. I posted it on ficlets too.

Helping Hand

Why would they go to such extremities?
Sometimes you cannot help but wonder why
Had their life gotten to such bad degrees
That the only answer left was to die?
Please listen, don’t follow their example
There is another way for you, you know
Stop me before I get emotional
But I think I’d die if you were to go
I wish I had the answers here and now
But I’m trying to be strong, as much as you
I cannot offer much, but this I vow
To be there always if you do feel blue
For if there was one thing that I would lend,
I’d be my helping hand to help my friend.

Today

2008-09-24T22:19:00.000-07:00

A week ago today... I was trying to make the collage for Religion.

A month ago today... I was silently freaking out because school started the next day.

Half a year ago today... I posted two ficlets: a poem for school, and a sequel for George's story challenge on ficlets, with an (exaggerated) true story

A year ago today... I had an english worksheet, p. 125 in my math book, and ch. 2 science terms for homework.

A year ago today... John Green was at an awesome hotel at M.I.T. (but I hadn't heard of him yet...)

A year ago today... I had never written a ficlet.

A year ago today... I was probably listening to The Hush Sound, considering they were all I listened to for like a month

A year ago today... I had no idea where I was going for high school (but I was dreading it)

A year ago today... I had dance class with Diane

A year ago today... I had no idea I would become who I am today

In just a year from today... so much had changed

Quotes... from all over, and a ficlet

2008-09-23T20:31:00.000-07:00

http://ficlets.com/stories/42747#review-94330

This is my way of describing the past week:

"you've gotta face with a view"

"ballet is pure geometry"

"my dreams aren't as empty, as my concience seems to be"

"you learn more from the person sitting next to you, than from the person sitting at the front of the room"

"can only imagine what you've been through, I know what it is to be an outcast too."

(on the English language) "It needs to follow rules because it has so many exceptions"

"Last week I had the strangest dream, where everything was exactly how it seemed"

Well...

2008-09-22T00:22:00.000-07:00

The ringing is back.

So... I wrote a lot of ficlets this past week. 10. This used to be pretty normal for me, but not lately. I've really missed it. But for a long time I just couldn't write. I still kind of can't. Well, not like before. The ficlets don't just come out anymore, at least not as often.

My last post. I meant what I said. That took a lot to write. More than it seems like. More than it probably should have. I don't really know what anyone thought... that might actually be a good thing. (Um, no offense, really. I'm sorry.) Well, I know Camille's thoughts on it. Thank you Camille =]

So you know those ficlets I was talking about? I wrote the last 5 in the past two and a half hours. And they aren't really... ficlets. Well they are, technically, but not like normal. And neither is one other one that I wrote this past week. But I wanted to get it out.

Anyways, I just want to say this. Thanks for putting up with me.

If you don't like reading about religion... or God... or anything like that... then don't read

2008-09-17T19:48:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to do this collage that's due tomorrow. I'm supposed to show my "faith journey" through experiences in my life.

What?

I can't really think of anything. I don't remember in terms of events, or even in terms of how old I was, what grade I was in. I remember things through people. That's why I recognize so many people, who don't remember me at all. I remember, people... their faces... their personality... not events.

So I find myself just wanting to put all of these people who I guess have "influenced my faith journey." (Not my own words... that's the assignment) instead of events. Because I can't think of any.

So I did something that I don't normally do. I let my mom help me. She told me about this time when I was in kindergarten. Now, I don't remember this. At all. But apparently I came up to her and asked her when I was going to start "learning about God"

She enrolled me in Religious Ed at the church we [sometimes] went to the next year. (The one we still go to, the Catholic one.)

We were talking about this. She kept wondering out loud, "What influenced you to say that, to wonder about things like that?" Because we didn't go to church often, and the school I went to at the time definitely didn't push religion. It was "progressive" to use my mom's word. I love that school so much.

I realized something though. I realized that that kindergarten kid is a lot like me today.

She was curious. She had heard some things I guess, and she wanted to know what the truth was. Like me today. I've heard different opinions about religion. I've heard Catholics' point of view, since my parents are Catholic so we go to a Catholic church. I've definitely heard Christians' point of view. At PCS, for the 5 years I went there. And I've also heard a lot of Atheists' and Agnostic's point of view on the nerdfighter ning. Not like hater comments and stuff, but real, actual debates. Most of the time I've watched, not really participating.

So sometimes I don't really know what to think.

Yes I believe in God. I definitely believe in God. And Jesus, and about Him dying to save us. But, I don't want to have to choose between something like being Catholic, and being Christian. I almost just want to be "spiritual" without being "religious". (which is something we've been talking about in religion class.) I mean, I understand the split and everything, but I just really don't want to choose things like which denomination and things like that. And I don't really know much about it. All I know is that I want to have a relationship with God. And everything about the Catholic Church, and the Christian Church is kind of confusing me. And distracting me from what is important.

And now I've gone off on a rant, when I really need to be doing my collage. I just had to get something out. *feeble smile*

Religion... Whining... Unrealistic Expectations (on my part)

2008-09-16T23:23:00.000-07:00

Ok so when school first started, I loved my religion class. I loved it sooooo much. I was so excited for the discussions every day, the collage project we're doing (which is due on Thursday... crap), and EVEN sometimes doing the assigned reading. I participated in the discussions everyday even though it was hard for me... I actually raised my hand.

But now... it's kind of deflated. I'm not really sure why. But now during discussions I just listen with my head down, doodling. (My agenda and binders look cool from it too) But I don't... try extra hard anymore. For a couple of days I tried harder than I usually do in classes. Now I'm turning back into the old me... the one who just does enough to get by.

And I'm not sure why. I try a couple of times to form an opinion and raise my hand... but then I get frustrated. Get frustrated because I can't come up with anything original to say. And so I stop trying so hard. And doodle.

Where did the ethusiasm go? My love of the class? It was like I was proud of having a cupcake and then someone else comes in with a huge layered cake, and it makes my tiny cupcake look like crap.

And I heard some things about the teacher that kind of... made me lose a little respect, I guess. That's a horrible thing to say. He's still awesome, just... I don't know

Maybe I realized he's human. He's not some amazing genius, he's a regular person. His class won't always be amazing and completely out of the ordinary.

And it doesn't have to be. I think I was just looking for something to look forward to at that school.

Maybe tomorrow... maybe tomorrow I'll participate a little bit more. Maybe I'll get back into it.

I just have to get enough sleep tonight...

Sometimes

2008-09-14T21:14:00.001-07:00

I'm not perfect ok? God, I'm so far from it. Sometimes people make mistakes, forget things. Sometimes they do it over and over, in a row. Sometimes it may fucking infuriate you. Sometimes you may wonder how the hell I may have made a mistake, or the same mistake, over and over and over. Sometimes you don't understand. And you're not going to. I'm not gonna try to get it into your head, when I know you're not going to listen.

Sometimes there is more than one side to the story, more than your own side. Sometimes they are both right. So how come I never get a say? How come the only one that is allowed to be told is yours? How come I always have to stand there sucking it up?

Sometimes there are no answers.

oh darn...

2008-09-03T20:33:00.000-07:00

Maybe I don't belong anywhere. Maybe I wasn't meant for that. Maybe I was meant to just watch everyone else belong, from the outside. Maybe I'm supposed to know all of the facts, but never be a part of it. Maybe I'm supposed to know about life... but not experience it for myself. Maybe I'm not supposed to be known. Maybe I'm the one pulling the curtain, controlling the lights. Maybe I did what Mrs. Farrar-Perkins hoped we wouldn't. Maybe I peaked in junior high.

I'm too picky. Whenever I'm with the two people I talk to at school, I just sit there wishing I was with you guys while they talk about the Jonas Brothers and a bunch of actors and movies I've never heard of. I'm closing myself away from anyone else, because they're not you guys. Why? Why do I act like they're not good enough or something? It's horrible. Damn. When I write it out like that, it's even more horrible. See? Can't you guys see it? The selfishness? No matter how much I say it... people refuse to believe me.

What do you think of me?

I... somehow people come up with ideas about other people very quickly. (yah... I know that was like, a "duh" statement) But... I don't even know what to think about myself anymore. What made we interesting was... you guys. Without you, at dance... at school... I feel empty.

You guys hold me up, and you're so amazing that you don't even realize it. You guys keep me from thinking my life is worthless. You guys keep me from completely falling apart. Well, falling apart more than I do.

How do you make friends? I've been wondering... my whole life. I'm just... so bad at it. Whenever I've had friends, it's because they've started talking to me. Seriously, for most of my elementary career (hehe... career) I played by myself, walked around the playground over and over and over, and my imaginary friends' lives were WAY too planned out. Seriously, I made up a whole new imaginary world. With bad guys that we had to defeat and everything.

There were a few good friends over the years... but they usually left me after a while. Except for you guys, you guys are... so amazing.

...

2008-08-28T22:11:00.001-07:00

I'm pretty sure you're gonna hate me after this. You... I love you. Do you not know how much I care about you? You are one of the best friends I could ever hope of having. But I don't know what to do. What I can do, considering what you think of me. You must think I'm horrible. I'm sorry that I made it seem like that. I mean, I am pretty horrible. I just... I'm not ignorant. I'm not oblivious. I don't want to have to tiptoe around people.

Don't... if you leave, I don't really know how I could really, survive. I'm selfish, I know it, but you're one of my best friends, I've known you forever, and I've kind of always thought of you as one of my best friends. Someone who would always be there. Yes, that's incredibly selfish, and I'm a bitch. But I couldn't stand losing you.

Just, I don't know. Just continue talking to the person you want to talk to. She's more stable, and smarter. Wiser. More considerate. She can help.

I want to help. But I don't know if that's possible.

God, I'm like, in tears. I'm so weak.

Oh God, you're gonna hate me so much when you read this, if you do.

because everyone else seems to be doing one

2008-08-28T16:31:00.000-07:00

I'm seriously enjoying this David Bowie cd.

I just recently noticed something. I've started saying pwn. Like, a lot. vlogbrothers, what have you done? Well you know what, it's an awesome word.

My latin teacher was talking about that today. About the our changing language, and how Latin will never change. Because it's a "dead" language. But really she wasn't talking about Latin, but about English. Yah. It was cool. She is one of those teachers who will just spend the whole class talking to the class, and telling us stories about her life and stuff. But, she is so interesting to listen to. Like, it's not boring, like you would expect it to be. She's awesome. And really interesting, and like, intriguing to listen to.

And my religion class is awesome. Every class is just basically discussion. It's awesome. I really like discussion classes, except for the fact that I can't talk in them. I hate talking out loud in class. I can never get my thoughts straight, and then say them out loud. It just, doesn't work for me. Anyone who has seen me do a presentation or heard me in like bible or something can attest to that. But I do like the discussion classes. Especially this one. The topics are actually interesting, and not all religion-y like at PCS. This class (or maybe just the teacher) is so much more like, open. And you know what? I actually talked! Like, voluntarily! More than once! And the first project is a collage. lol. =]

I also love my english class. Again, discussions. And I love listening to this teacher talk too. This may sound weird, but I love the way she talks. It makes you want to listen. I'm so excited.

I don't like biology. not at all.

I'm still seriously enjoying this cd. Something about glam rock makes me smile. =] lol see?

I want to go vegan. Like really. I do. At least vegetarian. I might just go vegetarian, partly because I don't to make it hard on my parents. There's actually a lot of options of food for vegans these days, you just have to do your research. But, I might just be vegetarian. My mom is already started lecturing me when I told her I wanted to be vegetarian.

hehe, I love this cd.

Roller Coaster

2008-08-24T18:21:00.000-07:00

So. Um. Today is John Green's birthday. I know, you probably don't care. But. I do, because he's really a great writer, and a great role model, and inspiration, and just, an awesome person. So yah.

I just used a lot of commas, but I really don't feel like going back and editing. Ok this is strange. There was like a really really loud ringing in my ears, but now it just went away. And now it's coming back. It's the same ringing I kept hearing at Harry's house, remember? Ugh, it's so annoying. I can't concentrate. It's so hot in here, I should probably turn the air on. But I kind of have the chills. So I'm not.

School starts tomorrow. Ugh. I want to write some more stuff about school, but I'm going to get contradicted again. So I'm not.

I love the armory. The classes there are awesome. And I was going to take this class there, but I can't. So I'm going to try to take this other class that my mom's friend's friend wants to start, if she starts it. And then I'm gonna try to take the class at the armory next year, and I'll get high school credit for it. I love volenteering with the little kids. In the last class, one of the girls was deaf, so my job teh whole time was to like, help her and write stuff down for her. She was awesome. She was so funny. And one day I was wearing my Draco and the Malfoys shirt and she knew it was Harry Potter!! =]=]=]

I finally finished my summer reading. But I didn't write in the book or take notes or anything. Oh well. Oh Camille, I need to give you your book don't I?

uumm. What else. I get mad, or sad, or happy, or excited, or depressed really easily. Like any emotion, once it's there, it's on high. It's like a roller coaster. That sounds really... ugh I don't know. Just.

Ok. Don't judge.

That's pretty much impossible though.

How come whenever I actually try to do a normal blogpost for once, it always turns out all weird and impossible to figure out?

wow I won't blame you if you stopped reading a long time ago.

Bye. sorry

ok I changed it

2008-08-10T16:45:00.000-07:00

bah bah bah, bah bah, sha do be do

2008-08-08T23:55:00.000-07:00

I did it!!!

I have a better, more normal, post under this one, if you would prefer (yah, they're two days apart)

2008-08-04T23:17:00.000-07:00

I really have no reason to be writing this. It's kind of sad, I post blog posts for reassurance, for clarity, and for letting stuff out. But I'm not really accomplishing, or getting any of that anymore. I just post, and post, and post, because I'm hopeful. And this post is more for me than ever, because I'm not making myself clear to anyone but me. That's nothing different than usual I know, but this time it's kind of on purpose. So I don't expect anything from this. The 0 is always frustrating, but never unexpected. This may seem selfish to you, and that's because you're right. I don't know if anyone will read this, but that doesn't really matter. Because all I needed was to write it out. This probably doesn't seem like anything, but it's kind of meant that way. I don't really know what I meant by that, but whatever. I'm not gonna take it out. Because I like it. A lot.

=]

Cheater Cheater Napkin Eater. lol. wow.

2008-08-02T20:39:00.000-07:00

Yay!! I can get to my blog now!! I don't know why my computer wasn't letting me before...

Anyways, Breaking Dawn is awesome so far. Kind of disturbing, but not like really bad disturbing, just like Peeps and The Last Days by Scott Westerfeld disturbing. Camille, I'm jealous. How can you read so fast?! I'm such a slow reader.I'm on 305. Ugh.

Footloose last night was AWESOME!!! Everyone was so good. And yes, that guy was eating a napkin. It was so funny. My phone and george's phone kept vibrating at like the same time. The person behind me was breathing REALLY LOUDLY, which was annoying. But whatever, it was so good. And I have seen the movie before! Or at least the second half of it... When I was little. I remember the bridge scene, and the big dance at the end. And my mom explaining it to me. That's it.

So camp is over. I'm kind of sad, because I was in senior outpost, which means that was my last year as a camper. =[ But I didn't start crying or get really depressed or anything, like some people did. Because, I never really made any friends except for Becca and kind of Abbey and Tatiana. I'm always really quiet at camp. When I was little I think some of the other kids were a little scared of me because I never talked. I think the only other reason I was a little sad on the last day of camp (other than that I would never be a camper again) was because I was watching everyone say goodbye to all their friends that they had made. Yeah, kind of stupid, but I was.

So now I have to rush to post this because we're leaving to go to the movies. And I'll probably end of up reading a little during the movie if it isn't good. So yeah. Bye. =]

Pleasing People

2008-07-23T23:18:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry Keegan, the only reason I say it is because... I tiptoe. Yah. Tiptoe. Whenever I'm around my parents. I'm walking on... um.. something fragile. I can't make a mistake, or everything will crumble. I can't fall, make one wrong move, say one wrong thing. They just don't see through the same lense as me. They view me differently than I view myself, so they expect me to be something different than I expect from myself. That's not completely their fault. I don't know whose fault that is. But in a way, it's kind of mine.

I tiptoe a lot. See, all my life, I've wanted to please people. I've tried to please people. I've kept a lot to myself, theres been a lot I've wanted to say, but I haven't. Because, man this is hard to explain. I think you're getting the wrong picture. The picture of someone who wants to please other people by being like them, doing what they say, keeping things to themselves so as not to upset other people. That picture is not me.

That picture is too simple, too cliche. Though I am cliche, in a way. Hm. maybe only I see that. I see a lot. A lot more than I let on. I keep it to myself. I'm not sure why.

Anyway, I try to please people. I become what they want me to be, in a way. I don't mean like peer pressure or whatever. I just mean, I'll become a listener if they want me to. I'll become that quiet girl, or the silly one laughing at everything, or the fall-back friend. More like I become what people have expected me to be, what I have become in their mind. It's simpler that way. I just, I want them to be happy, I want them to know I want them to be happy, but I don't want them to know how much I tried to make them happy.

In a way I'm a manipulator.

Add that to the list of bad things I am.

I think that's what I meant when I said I think a lot. You know? When I said that in the hotel room on the east coast trip, and then I think I said it on my blog a while ago.

Everything I'm saying right here, about pleasing people, and being what they want me to be, this all comes second-nature. It's subconscious. I'm just now beginning to realize it myself. That's why it's jumbled, and my thoughts aren't in the right order. It's exactly how it came out of my mind. [minus a few points I decided to take out. for my own reasons]

I'm going to ask a selfish favor. Just, if you have any thoughts, please say them. Not only on this post. On my blog in general. If you're reading my blog and you think you have something to add, please do. It doesn't have to make sense, it doesn't have to be related to the current topic at all, just anything you really thought. I just, I kind of want to know that I'm not completely crazy, and you haven't given up on my just yet.

Told you what I was gonna ask was selfish.